


The Courage of the Stars

by bookwormforalways



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Accidental Pregnancy, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, Kid Fic, Mutual Pining, POV Multiple, Slow Burn, platonic co-parenting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-18
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:49:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 87,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26532400
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookwormforalways/pseuds/bookwormforalways
Summary: Years ago, Clarke had a secret summer fling with her best friend’s older brother while he was home on leave. Only she messed up - not only did Clarke fall in love with Bellamy, she fell pregnant too. But before she can tell him the news, Octavia receives a call that Bellamy has been killed in action.Now, four and half years later, Clarke’s entire world changes with a few words from Octavia - “Clarke, it’s Bellamy. He’s alive!”*The last time Bellamy saw Clarke, he broke her heart. Even after a four year separation, Bellamy doesn’t regret his decision - he only hopes Clarke will forgive him.After spending the last four years held captive as a prisoner of war, all Bellamy wants is to go home and see his family and friends again. Upon his rescue, Bellamy quickly discovers that the life he’s returning to is nothing like he’d expected. He never imagined he’d come home to a three year old daughter.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 604
Kudos: 889





	1. The Courage of the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> A couple notes:  
> \- Hey! So this is officially the longest story I’ve ever written. It's been in the works for a few months now, and I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it. 
> 
> \- FYI, a double line indicates a POV change.
> 
> \- Fic title and chapter title from "Saturn" by Sleeping At Last
> 
> \- Come say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)

You taught me the courage of stars, before you left  
How light carries on endlessly, even after death  
With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite  
How rare and beautiful it is, to even exist  
 **“Saturn” - Sleeping At Last**

After checking in on a patient, Clarke looked down at her watch. She sighed, noting that she still had three hours left on her shift, and stretched her back and shoulders. Heading down the long hallway, Clarke made her way back to the nurses station. She was caught up on her patients, and if Indra had no updates for her, Clarke planned on taking a fifteen minute break, to sneak down to the hospital daycare to say a quick hello to her daughter. 

“The patient’s stitches are closing nicely in 614, and we’ll have to keep an eye on that rash in 623.” Clarke said, as she approached the nurses station and picked up a tablet to log her patient’s updates and new information. 

Indra stoically offered a single nod that she had understood before turning back to the computer.

“Need me to check in on anyone else right now, Indra?” Clarke asked, still looking at the tablet that catalogued the patient’s files. 

“Not right now, Dr.Griffin,” Indra began to say, but was interrupted by the phone ringing on the desk beside her. 

Finished with the tablet, Clarke set it back down, docking it on the charger. At the desk, Indra was nodding at whatever information was being said over the line. 

Clarke turned to walk away, rolling her shoulders up and down to release some of the pressure and tightness that came with a twelve hour shift. She loved her job, she really did. But the long hours were more difficult than usual when she had been up all night with a three year old crying over nightmares. 

“Clarke, come back,” Indra said, hanging up the phone with a click. “Change of plans.”

Spinning on her heel once again, Clarke quickly returned to the main desk, looking closely at Indra’s face for any indication of the news. 

“That was the psychiatry floor upstairs. Dr. Santiago needs you there, floor eleven. Immediately.” 

“Wait, the psych ward? Do they need a consult?” Clarke was confused. She was a doctor on the surgical unit. Sometimes she helped out in the emergency room when they needed an extra set of hands. But never in the psych ward. 

Indra only pointed to the elevator. “It sounds urgent. Go on upstairs now, I’ll page someone to cover the rest of your shift here if needed.” 

“Thanks, Indra. I’ll keep you posted.” 

Clarke jogged over to the elevator and smashed the up arrow, reaching her hand into the pocket of her scrubs for her cell phone. 

Only to find it empty. 

Letting out a frustrated groan, Clarke remembered that her phone had died right as she arrived at work this morning. She had been too distracted getting Julia ready and packed for a long day at daycare to notice that it needed to be charged. And now her phone was still plugged in at her locker, and she hadn’t looked at it all day. 

She stepped into the empty elevator and pressed the button for the eleventh floor - the psychiatric floor of the hospital. Her brain couldn’t figure it out. Why had _she_ been summoned to the psych ward? Clarke had met Dr. Santiago a few times over the years, but they had never worked together in the past, so why would he call her for a consultation? Or maybe it wasn’t a consultation, maybe it was personal. Was her mom alright? Her friends? The faces of her loved ones began to flick through her mind, spinning faster and faster as she worried, growing more impatient as the numbers climbed. 

The elevator pinged to announce its arrival, the little red lights flashed, indicating the number eleven on the display above the doors. And then the doors opened. 

Clarke took two steps out of the elevator, scanning the reception area for Dr. Santiago, only to be interrupted as Octavia ran over. Enveloped in a tight hug, Clarke could barely breathe, but instinctively knew something was wrong. 

Why was Octavia, her best friend, at the hospital? 

And on the psychiatric floor? 

Something was definitely wrong. 

_Why_ hadn’t she checked her phone all day?!

Taking a half step back, Clarke loosened the hug so she could see Octavia more clearly. She saw the tear stains on her friend’s cheeks and the heavy bags under her eyes. But underneath it all was a joyous smile. 

“Clarke. Clarke, it’s Bellamy.” Octavia took a deep breath, “He’s here. He’s _alive_.”

Clarke’s vision faded to a fuzzy slow motion. 

There was no noise aside from an alarmingly loud roaring in her ears. Her limbs felt like jello and she clung to Octavia to stay upright, her knuckles white as she gripped her friend’s arms. All the while, her brain tried to process the words Octavia said aloud. The words that flipped her whole world upside down. 

Bellamy. 

He’s here.

Bellamy isn’t dead. 

He’s alive. 

* * *

* * *

Everything hurt. 

His arms, his legs, his chest, his head. It felt like he had been run over by a truck or beaten by a mob, while simultaneously having the worst headache of his life. 

Dazed and confused, he didn’t recognize any of his surroundings. So he closed his eyes to ignore it all. He could faintly hear voices talking around him, but couldn’t comprehend any words. It all sounded like muffled gibberish. So he stopped trying. 

There was a small pinch on his arm, and a tingling sensation. The numbness came first, and then the darkness overwhelmed him. He welcomed the dark, the slumber, the freedom. 

…

There was a strange beeping noise that didn’t go away. It was incessant, like a mosquito buzzing. But more jarring and painful to his throbbing skull. 

His eyelids felt like dead weights, sealing his vision shut. Attempting to open his eyes, he glimpsed the colour white briefly through his lashes before the brightness overpowered his senses. He kept his eyes shut. 

Everything still hurts. 

There were voices around him now, joining in the cacophony of the beeping noises and the buzzing in his ears. Two voices, he observed. One was a deeper voice, a man, speaking softly. The other sounded female, emotional and crying. 

Where the hell was he? 

* * *

* * *

Clarke’s head was spinning, her mind rattling endlessly as Octavia’s words echoed. She tried to piece together this new truth, contrasting it with the reality she knew. For the last four and a half years she had thought she lived in a world without Bellamy Blake. Four and half years ago, she had been told he was dead. But now, Bellamy Blake was very much alive. 

How? How was it possible?

Her logical mind tried to run the facts once more. She logged through the details of what she knew. Between the sparse information Octavia had received, along with the more detailed story from Miller, who had survived thanks to Bellamy’s actions, Clarke reviewed the facts. 

Four and a half years ago, Bellamy had been deployed in the north. His crew had set out on a dangerous mission, but they didn’t return as planned. When they didn’t report back, all of the soldiers were presumed ‘Missing In Action’. Rescue missions had been sent out, and a week later, everyone in Bellamy’s troop had been rescued - everyone except for Bellamy. 

The militant Azgeda group who had captured them had demanded a hostage. Bellamy had sacrificed himself for his friends, insisting that they all had families to return to: wives, boyfriends, children. Only, before demands could be made to negotiate for Bellamy’s freedom, the Azgedan compound exploded. A rogue shot hit the wrong pipe and exploded. The warehouse toppled, collapsing on itself - with the militants and Bellamy inside. 

Four years ago, Sergeant Bellamy Blake was declared ‘Killed In Action’ and hailed a hero for his bravery and sacrifice. Even though his body was never found, the declaration stood, as there was no way anyone had survived the blast. 

Four years ago, Clarke had held Octavia’s hand tightly while they stood at Bellamy’s funeral. Octavia had received a flag, to honour her brother’s sacrifice for his country, and held it tight with shaking hands. Clarke’s heart shattered, tears streaming down her face as she cradled her pregnant belly. 

But that was four years ago. 

And now... 

Now everything had changed because Bellamy Blake had survived. 

Dr. Santiago found Clarke and Octavia near the elevator, and pulled them aside to talk. He had already spoken with Octavia about her brother’s condition, but Gabriel explained everything once more for Clarke, to help her understand. 

Bellamy was truly alive. 

And he was here, in the same hospital. In a room right down the hall. 

After being separated by four years and a funeral, now only a few feet of distance stood between them and Bellamy. 

Clarke’s heart palpitated wildly, as she tried to focus on the doctor’s words, as he read the file on the tablet. Somehow, Bellamy had been rescued from the Azgeda war territory to the north. He was airlifted to the closest hospital. There he had woken up, but was non responsive. Once Bellamy was deemed stable to fly, they had transferred him here, to Arkadia, his hometown.

“I - I didn’t believe it at first, when I got the call,” Octavia explained, her eyes glassy with unshed tears. “I thought it was a joke, someone playing a prank.” 

If Clarke had received a phone call like that, she would have thought it was the cruelest joke. 

Gabriel continued to explain, “Bellamy is dehydrated, malnourished, and very weak. He suffered a head wound during the extraction, so we will be watching for signs of a concussion. He will likely suffer from severe PTSD, and which will escalate any pre-existing depression and anxiety.” The doctor looked up from the file to Octavia and Clarke. “It’s a miracle. He’s lucky to be alive.” 

The brunette shook her head, “I just, I can’t believe he’s here.” Wiping her eyes swiftly, Octavia looked up at Gabriel and pleaded. “Please, let me see my brother. Please!”

Clarke squeezed Octavia’s hand, where their fingers were still linked. They were in this together. 

Gabriel’s expression softened as he nodded, looking between the two friends. “Immediate family only. At least for right now. I’m sorry, Clarke.”

Numbness threatened to take over her body, but Clarke felt pressure in her hand. Octavia’s hand was there, squeezing her own, grounding her. 

“Clarke, I have to see him…” Octavia pleaded, her green eyes were desperate. 

She nodded, “Go, go to him. I’ll wait out here. It’s fine.” Clarke stiffened at the loss of physical contact as Octavia followed Gabriel down the hall. “I’ll be out here,” she said softly once more, mostly to herself. 

Finding an empty seat near the reception desk, Clarke sank down, her limbs heavy with exhaustion. Fact and fiction were running rampant through her mind. How many times had she dreamed about this moment, fantasizing about a miracle that would bring Bellamy back home to them, alive. Far too many times to count. 

But this time, it was real. 

Clarke’s dreams wouldn’t morph from joyful bliss into nightmares as reality set in when she awoke. No, this was certainly not a dream. But she pinched her arm quickly, just to make sure, and choked back a sob once she felt the stinging pain from her nails. 

Clarke was wide awake. And Bellamy Blake was alive. 

Bellamy was here, right down the hall. Clarke would be able to see him soon, to feel his touch once again. She would be able to hear the voice that both haunted her nightmares and starred in her dreams. 

And, oh.

Oh, no.

Clarke’s eyes flew open wide with realization. She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, her palms to her forehead, and her fingers threading through her hair. 

Oh, _fuck_. 

How on earth was she going to tell Bellamy about Julia?

And how was Clarke going to explain to her daughter that the father she’d never met, the father whose grave they visited every year, was still alive?

…

“Clarke?” 

Hearing her name, Clarke lifted her head from her hands, turning toward the gentle voice. 

“Lincoln, hey.” She stood and quickly wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand. She stepped into his open arms to give Lincoln, Octavia’s husband, a big hug. 

“How are you holding up?” he asked, his concern lining his features, as he rubbed her arm. 

Squeezing her eyes shut, she felt the moisture from the next round of tears threatening to spill. “I, I don’t know. They won’t let me see him yet. Just Octavia for now.”

Lincoln rubbed her back softly, a comforting gesture. 

“I get it, really, family only. But I’m his family too. Not by blood, but…” Clarke trailed off, her voice a painful rasp in her throat as she fought the emotion. Wearily, she fell back into Lincoln’s embrace, letting her friend hold her up. 

And that’s how Octavia found them, moments later. 

Lincoln must have seen his wife appearing in the hall, as he loosened his hold on Clarke and enveloped Octavia into their hug. 

“Clarke, you can go see him now,” Octavia said softly. “Dr. Santiago said it was okay. Bell’s awake, but…” she bit her lip, her eyes shiny once again. “He’s not talking, barely aware of anything. And he doesn’t want to be touched. It took almost fifteen minutes for him to let me hold his hand, and I’m his sister-”

Her voice cracked on the last word, and the tears came streaming down her face. Octavia ducked her head into Lincoln’s neck. 

Clarke took a step back and deep breath, and glanced down the hallway.

But after two steps she turned right back around. “Lincoln, can you call my mom? Have her pick up Julia from daycare? I don’t have my phone on me and-”

“Clarke. Go to Bellamy. I’ll call your mom and take care of Julia. I’ve got this.” Lincoln said, his voice calm and reassuring. 

She mouthed a quick ‘thank you’ and walked down the hall, eyes scanning the names on the doors, until the familiar name caught her eye. 

Taking another deep breath, Clarke placed her hand on the wooden door and pushed it open slowly. 

Instantly, she found a pair of familiar brown eyes meeting her gaze. Clarke could feel the exhaustion and discomfort radiating off of him, but the very sight of Bellamy was comforting all the same. Seeing those eyes felt like coming home. 

“Bellamy?” Clarke whispered, reverently, as if she were talking to a ghost. In a sense, she was. 

She took a hesitant step into his hospital room, entering the same room as Bellamy for the first time in four and a half years. And then Clarke took another step closer. 

He was hollow and gaunt - far thinner than she remembered, as the sharp lines of his bones were visible under his skin. His arms were laced with pale scars, and her stomach twisted at the thought of Bellamy in pain. Long hair and an untrimmed beard covered his face, and she couldn’t help but contrast this version of Bellamy with the one lived in her memories - with the short curls and pronounced jawline. But underneath it all, was Bellamy. He was alive, and that’s all that truly mattered. 

Bellamy didn’t move at all, and showed absolutely no sign of recognition beyond his eyes tracking her movement. His gaze followed Clarke as she took yet another step closer, to the empty chair and sat down beside his bed. 

Close enough to touch. But she kept her hands to herself. 

“Bell, it’s me. It’s Clarke,” she spoke, despite not knowing what to say. Or how to say what she needed to tell him. What could she say to make up for the last four years?

He didn’t respond, but the words just kept flowing from her lips anyway, as tears tracked down her cheeks. “I- I can’t believe you’re here, Bell - that you’re alive. God, Bell. I- I missed you, I…” She choked back a sob. Curling her hands into fists, she dug her fingernails into her palms, willing herself not to cry. 

Taking a shaky breath, she continued. “I know you’re not talking, but can you let me know that you can hear me? Just, just give me a sign?” she pleaded. 

Bellamy didn’t move, completely still aside from his eyes, which blinked slowly as the moment passed. The room was eerily silent, the only sound was the rhythmic ticking of the clock, and the gentle drip from the IV. 

Clarke was desperate to reach for him, to clasp his hand in her own. But she remembered Octavia’s warning. She felt her tears drip from her face, landing on her blue scrub top, making a dark wet spot on the material. “Bellamy, can you- can you blink twice for no, and three times for yes?”

“Can you try that? Can you do that for me?” she pleaded, wringing her fingers in her lap.

And Bellamy blinked, once, twice - three times. _Yes_. 

Clarke gasped, her hand coming to cover her mouth as she choked down another sob. 

“Is it, is it okay that I’m here, or do you want Octavia?” Realizing he couldn’t answer that question, she rephrased. “Do you want me to go?”

He blinked twice. _No._

Wiping the hot tears from her cheek, Clarke took another deep breath, feeling the air expand in her chest. 

“Bellamy, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” she managed to say. “I was so mad at you the last time I saw you, and you didn’t deserve it, any of it. I was so mad, I didn’t say goodbye when you left. And then- and then you didn’t come home.” 

A sob escaped, and her eyes flooded with tears as the weight of her guilt threatened to overpower her. Her guilt had haunted her nightmares over the past years. 

Eyes glazed with tears, Clarke barely noticed the flicker of movement on the bed in front of her. 

Bellamy’s hand moved. It was only a fraction of an inch. But his hand moved on the blanket, toward her, as if he were trying to reach out. 

She glanced at his hand, and then back up at his eyes, his gaze still watching her. 

“Can I- can I hold your hand?” she asked, fully expecting him to say no. 

But he blinked slowly, three times. _Yes._

Carefully she reached out to him, not wanting to startle him, but her own arm shook slightly. 

He flinched at her touch. Clarke hesitated for a moment, pulling her hand away from his skin. But there was something in Bellamy’s eyes that encouraged her to try again. This time, when her fingers connected with his, he was steady. 

She was surprised by his warmth. His absence had felt cold and numbing. 

Gently, as if he were fragile and delicate, her thumb stroked the back of his hand. This was real, Bellamy was here, and his touch was warm. 

“I can’t believe you’re here, that this is real.” Clarke said softly, glancing up to meet Bellamy’s eyes again. The same warm, brown, familiar eyes she knew. “I keep waiting to wake up, and find out that this is all some sort of sick, twisted dream. A cruel joke of some sort...”

She squeezed his hand, “But you’re real. This is - this is…” she trailed off, not knowing what else to say, or how to describe what she was feeling. 

Because it was miraculous. Her wildest and most unrealistic dream coming true. Bellamy was back from the dead. People don’t come back from the dead, and her brain argued that it wasn’t logical or realistic. But Clarke couldn’t deny the tangible proof in front of her. 

“I know Octavia and Dr. Santiago said you weren’t ready to talk, and Bell, I get that.” Clarke kept talking, feeling the weight of his gaze on her. “But I’m here for you, however you need me. I’m still your friend. Take your time, but when you’re ready to talk, just know I’m here for you, okay? You can tell me anything.” 

Her thumb continued absently tracing circles on his hand, but at her words, she felt him softly squeeze her hand back. As if to say, ‘I hear you’ and ‘thank you’ when he couldn’t voice the words. 

A wry grin crossed her face. “I just realized that’s something you totally would’ve said to me, years ago. Back when Octavia and I were still in high school and my dad had just died. Wow, that feels like a whole other lifetime ago.”

“Tell me to shut up if you want me to stop talking, but remember that time when Octavia and I tried to make cookies for the bake sale, and the mixer broke and cookie dough splattered all over your kitchen? We thought you were going to be so mad at us, but you just teased us and helped us make a new batch.” 

Clarke kept talking, letting the minutes tick by as she retold story after story. Some of these were the stories that she had shared with Julia, late in the middle of the night when her daughter woke up crying because she missed the father she’d never known. Other stories were ones she wouldn’t tell Julia until her daughter was much older. 

Completely unaware of the time, Clarke’s only indication that time had passed was Bellamy’s eyes growing tired as his eyelids fluttered with exhaustion. 

“You’re tired. You should sleep, that’s what Dr. Santiago said.” Clarke told him, giving his hand another squeeze, once again grateful that he had allowed her that lifeline. 

“I should go, and leave you be. I can go get Octavia…” but she trailed off as Bellamy shook his head. 

His grip on her hand tightened. 

“You want me to stay?”

Bellamy nodded, ever so slightly. 

“Okay, yeah, I’ll stay,” she assured him, as tears once again sprang to her eyes. “I’m not going anywhere, so you can go to sleep. Get some rest, okay?”

Bellamy stared at her for a beat longer, and then let his eyelids fall shut, as he fell into a deep sleep. 

Clarke looked down and checked her watch. It was just past seven o’clock in the evening. Her shift had ended, and her mom would be putting Julia to bed. 

It had only been three hours since she received the life-altering news that Bellamy was alive, but it already felt like days had passed. 

“Hey, he’s asleep?” Octavia whispered, as she quietly slipped into the room, sitting down in the chair on the opposite side of Bellamy’s bed from where Clarke sat. 

Clarke nodded, and felt her friend’s gaze rest on where Clarke and Bellamy still held hands. “He let me hold his hand, while I talked. He was answering yes and no by blinking. And he didn’t want me to leave, so here I am.”

Octavia bit her lip, holding in her emotion as she wrapped her arms around herself. “It kills me to see him like this, Clarke,” she whispered. 

“I know, me too," Clarke replied. “Did Lincoln get a hold of my mom?” She hated to change the subject away from Bellamy at a time like this, but as a mom, her first priority would always be her daughter. 

“Yeah, Lincoln picked up Julia from daycare and drove her to your place, and your mom met them there. He’s on his way back here now, and said to text if you want him to pick up any food for you.” 

Offering a small smile, Clarke said, “I’m alright.” But her hand fell down to her scrubs pocket once more, patting the empty space. Her phone was still downstairs in her locker. 

“Actually, my phone’s still in my locker. Let me run downstairs and grab it quickly.” Gently, she disentangled her hand from Bellamy’s and stood up. “And maybe change too,” she added, noting the tear stains on her top. 

…

Quickly, Clarke raced from the elevator to her locker. Picking up her phone, Clarke understood why she had been paged to the psych floor - she had over twenty text messages from Octavia and a dozen missed calls from both Octavia and Lincoln. Swiping open her phone, she called her mom, and put it on speaker while she changed out of her scrubs.

“Clarke?” Abby Griffin answered, her voice echoing through the phone. 

“Mom…” she began to say, swallowing down the emotion threatening to choke her throat again. “Is everything okay there? Julia’s asleep?”

“Yes, Clarke we’re fine. Julia’s asleep and Madi had fed Arlo by the time I met Lincoln here.” 

Right, Clarke had forgotten that she had asked Madi, the young teenager who lived across the street to walk and feed her dog today. She made a mental note to pay her dog walker and babysitter later.

“Lincoln told me everything. I can’t believe Bellamy’s alive,” her mom said in awe, keeping her voice soft to not wake the sleeping child. 

“Mhmm,” Clarke managed to say, as a sob wracked through her body. Tears spilled from her eyes and her shoulders shook, as she clapped a hand to her mouth to silence her cries. 

“How are you doing, hon?” Abby asked. 

After a moment, Clarke managed to take a shaky breath. “I’m still in shock, Mom. It doesn’t feel real, that he’s here.” Finding her composure, Clarke quickly swapped her scrub pants for a clean pair of sweatpants.

“I assume you’re staying the night?”

“Yeah, if that’s okay,” Clarke answered, pulling a worn oversize hoodie over her head. It was actually one of Bellamy’s old hoodies she had stolen before Octavia had emptied his old room years ago, packing up a few things, and donating the rest. 

“Of course, honey. Keep me posted if you’re coming home in the morning. If not, I can bring Julia to day care.”

“Thanks Mom,” Clarke said, wiping the tears from her face with the long sleeves of the sweater. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Clarke.”

Taking another deep breath to calm herself, Clarke’s eye caught the single photograph she had taped to the inside of her locker. Lincoln had taken the picture at Christmas a few months ago, of her, Julia and Octavia cuddled closely together on the couch, all smiling happily at the camera. 

Julia. 

How on earth was she going to start that conversation with Bellamy? 

Running her fingers through her hair, Clarke gathered it into a messy bun on the top of her head. She swung her bag over her shoulder and started to close her locker, before pausing, looking back at the photograph one more time. Clarke peeled the picture from her locker and tucked it into her bag, and then set off back upstairs.


	2. Haunt All of My What-Ifs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Thank you times a million to everyone who left kudos, comments, bookmarks, and shared the [moodboard](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn) on tumblr. I am blown away by your support! 💜
> 
> I hope you enjoy chapter two! 
> 
> Chapter title from "Cardigan" by Taylor Swift.

But I knew you'd linger like a tattoo kiss  
I knew you'd haunt all of my what-ifs  
The smell of smoke would hang around this long  
'Cause I knew everything when I was young  
**“Cardigan” - Taylor Swift**

Clarke woke up to the sound of quiet whispers, and a painful crick in her neck. Falling asleep in the chair beside Bellamy’s bed probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but there was nowhere else she’d rather be. 

Fluttering her eyes open, she saw Octavia sitting on Bellamy’s other side. She was holding his hand, and softly telling him a story about her work as a physical therapist. 

Bellamy was awake again, but not yet speaking out loud to his sister. He seemed to be listening, nodding or shaking his head to communicate.

“Good morning sleepyhead,” Octavia teased gently, her mouth pulling up into a smirk as Clarke groggily sat up and stretched out her sore arms. 

Tentatively stretching her neck from side to side, she groaned at the tension. “Ugh, remind me why I thought sleeping in a chair was a good idea?”

She noticed Bellamy smile slightly at her remark. 

“We try, Clarke, but you’re stubborn as hell,” Octavia muttered, squeezing her brother’s hand as the siblings shared a brief grin. “Oh, and speaking of stubborn Griffin women, your mom wanted you to call her when you woke up.”

Clarke’s attention snapped to Octavia’s face, trying to read the quiet subtext in her friend’s face. It must be something about Julia, but of course Octavia wasn’t going to bring that up in front of Bellamy right now. Clarke was grateful for that.

“Okay, I’ll call her now and grab a coffee. Want anything, O?” Clarke asked, standing and stretching, and winced as back cracked loudly.

When Octavia declined the offer, Clarke grabbed her phone and wallet and waved goodbye. She promised to be back soon. 

Twenty minutes later, Clarke was on her way back upstairs, freshly caffeinated and content after talking to her mom and daughter. Everything was fine at home, in fact, Abby had taken the day off work to stay home with Julia to make sure Clarke didn’t have to worry about anything else. 

As she entered Bellamy’s room, she heard the soft sounds of someone crying. It was Octavia. Bellamy was sound asleep in his bed, and Octavia had her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking softly. 

“O? It’s okay, I’m here,” Clarke slid into the free chair beside Octavia and pulled her friend into a hug. She rubbed Octavia’s back and stroked her hair, muttering softly that everything was okay - everything that she would normally do to comfort and calm Julia down after a bad nightmare. 

After a shuddering breath, Octavia finally calmed down enough to speak, whispering through choking breaths. 

“I just feel so damn guilty, Clarke. I- I gave up on him. I used to hope that there was some big mistake and he was really alive, and he would come home to me someday. And then I just stopped hoping. I gave up on him. I’m the worst sister ever, after everything he’s done for me, how could I?”

Tearing up at her friend’s words, Clarke simply held Octavia close and continued to reassure her. 

“You know, Lincoln was in the room too when Bell woke up this morning, and I- I had to explain everything to Bell. I mean, I had only been dating Lincoln for a few months when Bell left, and Bell hated the fact that we were together, remember? Because Lincoln’s so much older than me? And now, Bell comes home and I’ve been married to a guy he hates for more than two years.”

“I’m sure Bellamy doesn’t hate Lincoln, O. He’ll be happy that you had someone to take care of you while he was gone,” Clarke tried to reason. 

“But that’s just it, that’s why I feel so guilty. I gave up on my brother, and just started living my life as if nothing had changed - I got married, started my career, and renovated the whole house so it wouldn’t remind me of him. It’s as if I just planned Bell’s funeral and then made myself forget he existed. I sold his truck, gave away all of his things, and even gave away his dog!”

Clarke interjected, “Hey, you didn’t give Arlo away. I insisted on taking him, remember?” 

Octavia wiped the tear tracks off of her cheeks with the sleeve of her sweater. Her voice cracked as she spoke again. “I know. But how could I just give up on him like that? Why did I do it?”

Clarke hugged Octavia close again, and stroked her hair again. “Babe, you had to do that. It wouldn’t have been healthy for you to wait for him to come home. Because as far as we knew, he wasn’t supposed to. You would have driven yourself crazy if you hadn’t moved on, and wasted years being delusional, living in the past.” 

Clarke kicked herself mentally, knowing that’s _exactly_ what she had done herself. She had been delusional for years, hoping and wishing and dreaming that Bellamy was alive and would come home to her. But it was supposed to be a fantasy - she had never once thought that she might be right. 

“And something tells me, when Bellamy talks to you about all of this, he’ll be happy you lived your life. It might take some time for him to get used to everything, but he’ll be happy that you were happy, and weren’t stuck.” 

Clarke squeezed Octavia’s hand again, as she continued, “And sure, Bell wasn’t at your wedding, but that doesn’t mean you can’t tell him all about it. And I’m sure he’ll be thrilled that you finally had the time and money to fix up the house, he always wanted to do that anyway. So you don’t have to feel guilty, O. You don’t.”

Octavia took a deep breath, sighing as she leaned into Clarke’s shoulder. Together, they sat there in silence, watching the blankets slowly rise and fall, moving in time as Bellamy breathed. 

In the quiet, Clarke’s racing thoughts picked up where they had left off the night before, as she wondered how she was going to explain to Bellamy that he was a father now. Not that he was _going to be_ a father, with time to prepare himself; but that he was _already_ a father to a little girl who was almost four years old. A little girl who was the perfect mix of her two parents: Julia had Bellamy’s dark curly hair and caring soul, and Clarke’s blue eyes and bold stubborn streak. 

A soft knock on the door caught their attention, and Lincoln quietly stood there, leaning against the door frame. 

“Everything okay?” he asked, nodding at Clarke and Octavia, where they sat with arms wrapped around one another. 

Ever so slightly, Clarke shook her head side to side. No, she tried to tell Lincoln. “Hey, O. Maybe you should go home for a few hours. Take a shower and nap.”

Pulling away from watching her brother, Octavia looked between Clarke and Lincoln. “No, I can’t. I can’t leave him alone. Not again.”

Clarke rubbed Octavia’s arm. “C’mon O, you need to sleep and eat. And he won’t be alone. I’ll stay with him. Besides, he’ll probably sleep all day anyway.”

Octavia frowned, “But what about you? You’ve been here longer than us, after working all day yesterday.”

“Don’t worry about me. My mom’s at my place for the day, and I’m used to spending way too much time at the hospital. I can use the time to catch up on my paperwork anyway. And then I can go home once you guys come back later.”

Reluctantly, Octavia agreed to go home with Lincoln. Granted, she made Clarke promise not to leave Bellamy’s side, and to text as soon as he woke up. And that was certainly a promise Clarke could keep. 

The hospital room was once again silent. The only noise came from the soft ticking of Clarke’s watch, the electronic beeping from a machine down the hall, and Bellamy’s gentle breathing. Clarke sat on the chair beside Bellamy’s bed where he lay asleep, but quickly grew uncomfortable after a few minutes. It didn’t help that she was still exhausted from her shift the day before. 

While she promised Octavia that she would stay at Bellamy’s side, she never said anything about staying awake the whole time. So Clarke scooted her chair closer to the bed, and rested her head and arms on the bed beside his legs, which were covered by a hospital blanket. 

In the comfortable quiet, Clarke dozed off. 

* * *

* * *

Bellamy woke up and the room was quiet. Octavia had been sitting with him when he had fallen asleep earlier, but now she was gone. 

Instead, Clarke was here, resting her head and arms on his bed, near his legs. From the slow pattern of her breathing, she must be fast asleep. 

Time had no real meaning, so Bellamy didn’t look at the clock. Instead the brightness of the sun told him that it was later in the day, mid-afternoon perhaps. 

It was surreal, being here in the hospital. It was a clean, white environment. A blank page. A fresh start.

Part of him, likely in an attempt at self preservation, tried to reason that this was a dream, that this couldn’t be real. While he had imagined his rescue and reunion with his sister many times, there were obvious details far beyond his imagination. 

It was real. He was alive, safe, and back in Arkadia. 

The proof was in the way his name was written on the patient board across the room, though the numbers in the current date looked foreign. It was in Octavia’s face, and the way his sister had grown to resemble their mother even more as she matured. And in the pair of wedding rings she and Lincoln shared. Clarke’s hair was shorter too, cut to her shoulders when he’d only ever known her to have long blonde locks. Her hair was always long in his fantasies, but here she was in front of him, with short hair. 

He still couldn’t bring himself to talk, but it was a joy to hear Octavia and Clarke’s voices. The last friendly voice he had known had been Riley, another prisoner who shared his cell. But that had ended far too soon when Riley took his own life to escape the hell they were in. 

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, Bellamy vowed to put the past behind him. There was no point dwelling on memories of those awful years, or lost friendships. There was no hope there. 

No, he had too much to catch up on here. 

He’d only heard a few select stories and snippets from Octavia and Clarke, but he already felt left behind. 

Octavia was married to Lincoln, for over two years now. Bellamy had only met Lincoln a few times before he left, and remembered disparaging Octavia for the age difference. All that was water under the bridge now, and Bellamy could only be grateful that someone had been around to take care of his little sister while he wasn’t able to. 

And she had only briefly mentioned her job, but Bellamy was already insanely proud of her. Somehow she had found a way to merge her love of exercise and physical activity into a role that helped others. Octavia was all grown up, and happy, surrounded by good friends. That was all Bellamy had ever hoped for his little sister. 

A soft exhale from the foot of the bed caught his attention. 

And then there was Clarke.

With a careful movement, Bellamy stretched out his hand a few inches, twining his fingers around the loose ends of Clarke’s hair. It was softer than he remembered. But then again, everything seemed to be softer and cleaner than he was used to. 

For the last four years, Bellamy had wondered if Clarke would ever be able to forgive him for the callous way he had broken her heart. It had been cruel, there was no denying it. But he didn’t regret his decision. He couldn’t. In fact, as each day had passed in captivity, he grew more confident that he had made the right decision. It meant she was free to move on and forget about him - there was nothing tying her to him. 

During lonely nights in years gone by, Bellamy had wondered what his life might look like if things were different - if he hadn’t broken Clarke’s heart, if he had agreed to try a long distance relationship, if he hadn’t been captured, and if he had been able to go home to her. But the what-if’s had only left him heartbroken, dreaming of lazy mornings and blonde hair and blue eyes. 

Bellamy certainly didn’t deserve it, but Clarke must have forgiven him. She was here now, staying by his side. She even apologized for that night years ago, even though it was all his fault. 

As he toyed with the ends of her blonde hair, Bellamy wondered what had changed in Clarke’s life these past few years. From her scrubs and her hospital badge it was obvious that she finished medical school, achieving her goal of becoming a doctor. 

Selfishly, he wanted to know if Clarke was seeing anyone. She wasn’t wearing a ring, so at the very least she wasn’t married. For Clarke’s sake, he hoped she had moved on and found a person worthy of her love. 

But he did recognize the hoodie she was wearing. It used to be his. Clarke had a terrible habit of stealing his shirts and sweaters all the time back when they were friends, and especially when they were hooking up. It was nice to know that this one thing hadn’t changed. 

He sat there for a few more quiet moments, holding a few golden strands of Clarke’s hair, grounding him in this moment of peace and stillness. And then Clarke stirred. 

* * *

* * *

Clarke’s eyes flickered open at the sensation of her hair being pulled. 

No, not pulled - stroked. 

Slowly, she lifted her head from the bed, and turned to face Bellamy. He was awake and had his arm outstretched toward her, the end of a blonde strand still between his thumb and finger. 

“Hey,” Clarke whispered, as he released her hair and she sat up fully. 

A small smile flickered across his face, so quick she thought she must have imagined it. 

Clarke stretched her arms above her head. “You got some sleep?” she asked, and Bellamy nodded to say yes. 

“Good. Lincoln took Octavia home to shower and sleep for a while,” she filled him in, grabbing her phone from her pocket to quickly check her messages. 

There was one from Lincoln saying that Octavia finally passed out, so they would be another few hours. And one from her mom updating her on Julia. 

She typed out a few quick replies and looked up to find Bellamy watching her closely. “I guess we’ll need to get you one of these,” Clarke said, a note of laughter in her voice. “I’ll ask Raven to find you a phone.” Clarke swallowed, as emotion took the voice from her voice. “Now that we have you back, we’re not losing track of you again.”

Bellamy reached out a hand, which she quickly grasped in her own, and was surprised to feel him squeeze her hand. _He_ was comforting _her_. 

She swallowed, her guilt an uncomfortable obstacle in her throat. 

“Bell, I don’t even know what to say. Honestly, I’m still in shock that you’re here. And I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re feeling right now.” Clarke shook her head softly from side to side, but didn’t break eye contact. 

“I’m _so_ happy and grateful that you’re alive. These past four and a half years have been, well, nothing compared to what they must have been like for you. But I was a mess, Bell. Octavia too.” 

Bellamy’s face had flinched when she had mentioned the years apart, but softened once more when she spoke of herself and Octavia, and he squeezed her hand again. 

“Four years is a long time, Bellamy, and I need to tell you something.” Clarke gripped his hand with both of hers. “Something really important, but I can tell you later if you’re not feeling awake enough...”

A worried glance passed his face. 

“No, don’t worry. It’s good news. At least, I hope you think it’s good news,” Clarke clarified. 

Bellamy nodded in understanding, despite the curiosity that was evident on his face. 

“Yeah, you want me to tell you now?” she asked one more time. She was torn between him wanting to say no, so she would have more time to figure out what she wanted to say; and wanting him to say yes so she could get it over with already. 

Bellamy nodded. 

Clarke exhaled, letting out the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding. She lifted one hand to push her hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear. “I don’t know where to start, Bell. So I guess I’ll just start at the beginning…”

“The last time I saw you, when you left that summer… well, I was so mad at you for the way you ended things between us. You remember, right?” Clarke referenced the summer fling they’d had in the two months he had been home, on leave from active duty. Two months where everything had changed between them. They had gone from reluctant friends who constantly bickered to stealing away in quiet hours to dark rooms and hadn’t been able to keep their hands off of each other. They had spent the summer sharing stolen kisses and intimate moments. 

But they’d kept it a secret from Octavia and the rest of their friends. Bellamy didn’t want to start anything serious before he left for duty again, and Clarke had gone along with his reasoning, also claiming that she’d hate to mess up her friendship with Octavia. 

Only, by the time the two months had flown by and Bellamy’s bags were packed, Clarke felt completely different. After being with Bellamy for two months, even in secret, she wasn’t ready to let him go. Clarke insisted that they could try long distance - writing letters, FaceTiming and phone calls to bridge the distance until he came back home. 

But Bellamy had refused. And in doing so, Bellamy had broken her heart. 

Their fight on that final day, the screaming and the tears, haunted Clarke as her very last memories of Bellamy. She had been too heartbroken and stubborn to go with him to the airport, let alone say a proper goodbye. Clarke didn’t know then that she would never have another chance. 

“I’m so ashamed of the way I left things between us. I should have at least said goodbye. I should have…” she trailed off as the weight of her guilt pressed heavy, and formed a lump in her throat. 

Bellamy patiently waited for her to continue speaking, but Clarke needed to be closer to him. She moved from her chair to sit on the edge of the bed, her body now brushing his legs as she pulled their clasped hands to rest on her thigh. Their eye gaze was level now. 

Clarke took a deep breath and continued. “About three weeks after you left, I tried to contact you, because I needed to talk to you. I called whenever I could, but you were never able to take the call. They said you were busy, but I thought you were just avoiding me. Finally, I pretended to be your sister and someone told me that you weren’t on base, that you had been deployed on a mission. And well, a week later, Octavia got the call that you were missing in action. And the week after that, we got news that your troop had been rescued, but you weren’t.”

Bellamy’s thumb gently brushed the back of her hand. A single tear slid down Clarke’s cheek. 

“I was trying to get in touch with you because I needed to tell you that I had forgiven you, for our fight, and for everything. And… and to tell you that I was pregnant.” 

Bellamy’s eyes flew wide in surprise. His thumb halted it’s motion, and he sat there entirely still and unmoving. He was in shock. 

A few more tears spilled down her cheeks, but Clarke was smiling. “We have a daughter, Bellamy. You’re a father.”

It was quiet in the room for a moment, only the sound of Clarke’s watch ticking echoed through the silent room. 

Bellamy blinked. “Daughter?” he whispered, his voice heavy and hoarse from lack of use. 

Clarke nodded, tears of joy spilling down her face as she heard his voice for the first time in over four years. 

“Yeah, Bell, a little girl. Her name’s Julia, and she’ll be four in May.” She freed one hand from his grip, and used the sleeve of her sweater to dry her tears.

“Julia.” Bellamy whispered again, saying the name reverently as he processed the news.

“Here,” she said, and pulled her phone from her pocket again, swiping through to find her photo album of Julia. Though in all honesty, ninety percent of the pictures on her phone were of her daughter. _Their_ daughter. 

Clarke held out the phone to him, her eyes tearing up once more as Bellamy took in the sight of his little girl for the first time. His own eyes welled with tears, as he lifted his hand to hers, cradling the phone and the precious picture toward himself. 

“Julia’s with my mom right now, but I can bring her here to meet you. If you want that?” Clarke asked, but didn’t have to wait for his answer, as he began eagerly nodding. 

“You’re sure? I know you’ve already been in the situation where you had to unexpectedly take care of a child, when you were younger, with Octavia. I don’t want to force all of this, being a parent, on you if you’re not sure. If you want a few days to think about it…”

Bellamy shook his head. No. 

Clarke bit her lip, and said, “Well, once Julia meets you, there’s no getting rid of her. She knows all about you - you’re her hero, her dad.” 

Another small smile passed over Bellamy’s lips at being called _dad_. 

“In the meantime, I thought you might want to have this.” Clarke leaned off the bed, reaching for her bag, and picked up the photograph she had tucked inside. 

Passing it to Bellamy, he let go of her phone and stared at the picture. 

“It was in my locker downstairs, but I’d rather you have it here, to keep with you.” Clarke rested one of her hands lightly on his leg. 

“I framed a couple pictures of you for Julia’s room. She says goodnight to your picture every night now. When she began asking questions about her dad, I told her that you were up in heaven, up in the stars, watching down on her every day. But then she started to get these terrible night terrors. She would wake up screaming, and it would take forever to calm her down, so I’d tell her stories of you, and me and O too. Of all of us growing up. But she likes the stories about you best. So we put the pictures of you right beside her bed, so that you could watch over her in her sleep and keep her safe from the nightmares.” 

Clarke lifted her head to see his face, and felt heat pool in her core when her eyes met his. The intensity of his gaze sent her right back to those late summer nights years ago. “I, uh, I figured you could have this picture here, so your girls could watch over you. Your sister and your daughter, I mean.” Clarke quickly clarified when she realized that she was in the picture too- and had just insinuated that she was one of _his_ girls. 

Bellamy’s expression softened. “Clarke,” he whispered her name softly. 

She had imagined hearing him say her name so many times, that this moment seemed too good to be true. Biting her lip to keep the tears at bay once more, Clarke simply looked up at him again, unable to say anything else. Now that her big secret was out, the relief was overwhelming. 

Bellamy pointed down to her phone, where it lay on the blankets. “More?” he asked, his voice rough. 

He must want to see more pictures. 

“Of course, yeah. Here, you can swipe through the whole album.” Clarke held out the phone to him, but he didn’t take it from her. Instead he moved in the bed, shifting over to the left a few inches, and looked back up at her, patting the space beside him. 

Accepting his invitation, Clarke moved, finding her place next to him. They were touching shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip. Slowly she rested her head on his shoulder and lifted her knee toward her chest to anchor the phone so they could both see. 

Navigating through her photos, she scrolled back in time, finding her baby announcement pictures from four years ago. She slowly swiped through each picture, sometimes pausing to explain certain moments and share funny stories about her pregnancy and Julia’s birth. 

As they sat there, looking through pictures, Clarke felt Bellamy rest his head against hers, leaning into her even more. It was comfortable, an easy understanding between them. With everything that had changed over the last few years, it was nice to know that this hadn’t. 

Clarke wasn’t the one who had been missing or presumed dead for years. But sitting here with Bellamy, she felt like she had finally arrived at home, and could finally breathe for the first time since he’d left.


	3. A Little Brighter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title and lyrics below from "Daughter" by Sleeping At Last

If you only knew  
The sunlight shines a little brighter  
The weight of the world's a little lighter  
The stars lean in a little closer  
All because of you  
 **"Daughter" - Sleeping At Last**

The next morning, the sun was just beginning to rise when Julia woke up and climbed into Clarke’s bed for a morning cuddle. 

“Mommy, when are we going to see my dad?” she asked, sliding under the covers as Clarke pulled the duvet around them. 

Keeping her eyes closed, Clarke answered, “In a few hours, Jules. Let’s sleep a bit longer.” 

Clarke had told Julia about Bellamy the day before. And Julia had been incredibly excited to hear that her father was still alive and wanted to see her. But as delighted as her daughter was, Clarke knew that Julia didn’t really understand what having Bellamy in her life would mean. The little girl had no idea what having a father was like.

Tucking herself into her mom’s open arms, Julia snuggled close. But instead of falling back to sleep, like she normally did, Julia was wide awake, and her small fingers played with Clarke’s hair on the pillow.

“Mommy?” she asked, in a quiet, timid voice.

Curious, Clarke peeked through her lashes at her daughter. “What’s wrong, baby?”

“What if my daddy doesn’t like me? What if he doesn’t want to be my daddy?”

Julia’s words shocked Clarke wide awake. She cupped her daughter’s cheek with one hand and swiped away the tears that were beginning to form. “Julia, no, it won’t be like that at all. Your daddy is so excited to see you, I know he is.”

Brushing her fingers over Julia’s dark curls, Clarke watched her daughter closely. 

Her bottom lip quivered for a moment, before she asked, “You promise?”

Clarke nodded, and kissed Julia’s cheek. “I promise.” After a few more whispered reassurances, she nudged her nose against Julia’s, making her daughter giggle. “Let’s go find some breakfast, okay?”

Yesterday had been a long day, and today was going to be a big day, Clarke thought to herself as she poured cereal into two bowls. The red duffel bag waiting by the front door was a reminder of that. 

When Octavia and Lincoln had finally returned to the hospital the day before, Clarke had been able to tell that her friend was upset again. Lincoln had pulled Clarke aside and explained that Octavia had broken down that afternoon, the guilt of believing her brother had died instead of keeping up hope he might be alive was still eating her. Especially after seeing Bellamy in the thin hospital gown. 

Octavia felt horrible for throwing out Bellamy’s clothes and books, for selling his truck, and even giving his dog away to Clarke. Lincoln calmed Octavia down, reassuring her that at least Arlo was still in the family, and everything else was material and could be replaced. 

But Lincoln also knew something that Octavia didn’t. 

He knew that before Octavia could drop off the boxes of Bellamy’s things to the thrift store, Lincoln had let Clarke sneak into their house and raid those very boxes. Octavia knew that Clarke had borrowed a few shirts from Bellamy over the years, but not that Clarke had stolen enough of Bellamy’s old clothes to restock half of his wardrobe. 

So, after tucking Julia into bed, Clarke had gone through her closet and pulled out all of the tshirts, sweaters, and sweatpants that used to belong to Bellamy. They had long since lost their Bellamy-smell, but the softness of the fabric was nostalgic and comforting. 

Those articles of clothing held memories of the summer nights years ago when she and Bellamy were together. Memories of being hidden away in a quiet room, as she pulled those same shirts over Bellamy’s head, needing to be closer to him and feel his skin on hers. And memories of the nights a few months later, as Clarke cried herself to sleep alone, cradling her pregnant belly, Bellamy’s oversize t-shirts hugging the swell of her bump in his absence. 

A quick stop to Target had allowed her to pick up a few more things Bellamy might need, like socks, underwear, deodorant, toothpaste and a toothbrush. She had packed those in the duffel bag too, along with a pair of moccasin slippers she had found. The slippers were exactly the type of old man footwear Bellamy would pretend to hate, but secretly love. 

At least, that’s what she remembered about Bellamy from four years ago. And she prayed that hadn’t changed. 

Bustling around her house, Clarke tapped into her supermom powers. Within the next few hours she and Julia were fed, showered, and dressed for the day, and even took Arlo for a walk. There were never enough hours in the day, but Clarke was happy to let the rest of her chores slide in favour of their hospital visit.

Julia’s knapsack was packed with a few toys, books, and her favourite blanket, and Clarke had the duffel bag slung over her shoulder, filled with clothes and toiletries for Bellamy. And before she knew it, they were on their way to the hospital to introduce Julia to her dad for the first time ever. 

No pressure, right? 

Clarke found a parking spot at the hospital, grabbed their bags from the trunk and walked with Julia hand in hand. She smiled brightly down at her daughter, who was dancing on her toes with excitement. The whole drive over Julia had been asking questions about her dad - what his favourite colour was, and his favourite animal. Hopefully soon, Bellamy would be able to answer those questions for his daughter. 

Stepping inside the hospital doors, Clarke spotted her mom waiting across the lobby. 

“Nana!” Julia let go of Clarke’s hand to run toward her grandmother. 

Abby picked up Julia, and kissed her granddaughter’s cheek in greeting. 

“Are you ready for this?” Abby asked, reaching out to squeeze Clarke’s arm. 

She shrugged, and dropped the duffel bag to rest by her feet. “As ready as I’ll ever be. I just hope everything goes well with...” she trailed off as she pointed her gaze toward Julia. 

Abby nodded in understanding. “It’ll be fine, Clarke. It’s a huge change for you both, and it might take some time, but it will be okay.” 

Clarke smiled softly at her mother’s words, willing them to be true. 

“Alright, my darling,” Abby said to Julia, tucking a stray curl away from her face. “Do you want to come with Nana to find some coffee? Maybe we can find you a cookie too.”

Julia agreed happily. Luckily she didn’t insist on going with her mom, because Clarke wanted to see Bellamy alone first. 

“Thanks again, Mom. I don’t know what I’d have done without you these last few days.” Clarke picked up the bag again, slinging it across her shoulder. 

“We’ll see you soon, okay?” Abby set Julia down on the ground, and they walked toward the food court hand in hand. 

Clarke watched them for a moment, and then walked over to the elevator, so she could go up to the eleventh floor alone. 

As excited as she was for today, Clarke was also incredibly nervous. She had to see Bellamy first, and make sure that he was still ready to meet Julia. He wasn’t simply meeting someone he’d never met before - it was Bellamy signing up for a lifelong commitment to his young daughter. 

If anyone was willing and able to make that commitment on such short notice, she had to admit, it would be Bellamy. But Clarke still felt apprehensive, and needed to double check. 

The elevator pinged her arrival on the eleventh floor and she stepped out, walking the now familiar route to Bellamy’s room. 

“Knock, knock,” she said as she stepped into the open doorway. 

Clarke was greeted by the sight of a short-haired and clean shaven Bellamy sitting up and smiling. She was so surprised by his new appearance, that she almost didn’t notice the way his eyes quickly darted to the empty space behind her, already eager to meet Julia. 

Octavia and Lincoln were there too, almost empty coffee cups in their hands, sitting next to the bed. 

“Hey Clarke,” Octavia said in greeting, as her gaze dropped to the bag on Clarke’s shoulder. “We thought you were bringing Julia, not moving in.”

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Julia’s waiting with my mom, but I wanted to bring you this first, Bell.” She stepped forward and placed the duffel bag on his bed next to his legs, unzipping it as he watched curiously. 

“After everything happened,” Clarke waved her hand in a gesture to signify the breakdown of their relationship four years ago, “I may have, um, stolen some of your clothes. Okay, maybe a lot of your clothes. And I figured you might want them back now.” 

Octavia gasped, her hand coming up to cover her mouth as she realized what Clarke had held on to. Clarke only hoped that Octavia would be grateful - and not feel even more guilty that Clarke had held onto Bellamy’s things when his own sister couldn’t bear to. 

“I picked up a few other things from the store that you might need too, if you wanted to get changed before more people show up.” 

Lifting a dark grey shirt out from the middle of the bag, and a smile slowly formed across Bellamy’s face. “You kept this?” he asked softly, his eyes glancing up to meet hers. 

Tucking a loose piece of hair behind her ear, Clarke nodded. “Of course! It’s one of my favourites. I almost kept it for myself, so you’re lucky you’re getting it back at all.” 

It was a concert t-shirt from the time that Clarke dragged him to an Imagine Dragons show. It was her senior year of high school, and Octavia had caught strep throat, leaving Clarke without a concert buddy. Abby wouldn’t let Clarke go alone, so she had begged Bellamy to take his sister’s ticket, and they’d ended up having a pretty great time. That night was one of the first times they had hung out without Octavia, and it cemented the start of their friendship. 

“What are these?” Bellamy asked incredulously, holding up the fuzzy moccasin slippers warily. 

Lincoln and Octavia laughed, but Clarke shrugged her shoulders, “What? They’re totally your style, grandpa. Plus, I know how much you hate wearing just socks on cold floors, so you might want them for today if we’re walking around.” 

Sometimes it surprised Clarke just how much she still knew Bellamy, all of the things that made him happy, and all of the little things that bothered him. So much time had passed, and she had wondered how many of those little Bellamy quirks had changed - but so far, she hadn’t been proved wrong. 

Octavia teased Bellamy about a few other t-shirts he pulled from the bag, throwbacks to their years of constant sibling rivalry and teasing. Seeing the two Blakes banter and joke around warmed her heart, and Clarke shared a grin with Lincoln. 

Bellamy went into the bathroom to change. Right as the door shut behind him, Octavia wrapped Clarke in a tight hug. 

“How did you know?” her friend whispered in her ear. 

Clarke squeezed Octavia back. “How else? Lincoln.”

The pair of friends exchanged a warm smile, breaking their embrace just as Bellamy exited from the washroom. With his new haircut and shave, along with his old shirt and sweatpants, and even those fuzzy moccasin slippers, it was as if their old Bellamy had walked right out of the past and returned to them in that hospital room. In a sense that was true, but as he stepped closer, the only indication that years had passed, along with pain and suffering, were the faint scars visible on his hands and arms, and the worry lines on his face. 

Bellamy was closest to Clarke, and took one step to her, gathering her in his arms for a hug. 

She had dreamed and longed for this day, to be held in Bellamy Blake’s arms again. It honestly didn’t matter if it was a friend hug or a more-than-friends hug - she really didn’t care. All that mattered was that Bellamy was alive and safe, and here in her arms right now. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, his voice soft in her ear, his breath tickling the hollow of her neck. 

“You’re welcome. I just thought you might want to look like you again, feel like our Bellamy again,” she answered, not letting go of the embrace quite yet. 

“I don’t think I can ever fully be that person again,” he began sombrely, ending the hug gently. Only to tease as he added, “But this shirt certainly helps.”

He stepped away to hug Octavia next, and Clarke shook her hands at her side, hoping to alleviate the strong electrical current running through her at his touch. 

**…**

“You ready?” 

Bellamy nodded, though he was clearly nervous. 

“It’ll be fine, don’t worry. Julia’s just as nervous.” Clarke tried to reassure him as they walked, slowly, down the hallway. They were meeting Julia and Abby in the patient lounge on the eleventh floor - a room full of big windows, green plants, and comfy chairs - vastly different from the white, sterile hospital room. It was a minor thing, but Clarke didn’t want Julia’s first memory of Bellamy to be in a frightening hospital room. 

“If you say so,” he answered. 

Bellamy’s voice seemed to have returned in full now. Dr. Santiago said Bellamy’s initial mutism was both physical and psychological, from a lack of using his vocal cords during his captivity, and from the sudden shock to Bellamy’s system with his rescue. Clarke understood that it was one of the body’s survival mechanisms, but she was ecstatic to _hear_ Bellamy’s voice again, and to hear it frequently. 

Reaching a hand out, Clarke squeezed his arm, gently leading him along. “When I first told Julia about you last night, she was so excited and bouncing off the walls. She ran from room to room, trying to figure out what toys she should bring to show you, and even picked out her favourite dress to wear. But this morning she was scared and worried that you weren’t going to love her, Bellamy. I tried to tell her that you already loved her, and would love her no matter what, but she didn’t seem to believe me.” 

Bellamy stopped walking, and his eyes searched hers. “Clarke…” he said, his voice breaking.

But she cut him off. “I’m not telling you that to scare you, but to make it clear that all you have to do is show up. Just walk in the door and talk to her. Be there for her. And before you know it,” Clarke couldn’t help but tease as they walked the last few feet to the lounge doors, “You’ll be wrapped around her finger, like a good dad should be.”

Biting his lip, Bellamy nodded at her words, but she could see him thinking and worrying. 

“Ready,” Clarke asked once more. She tucked her hair behind her ear. It had fallen down out of her messy bun, and she hadn’t bothered to tie it back up again. 

“Yeah, I am,” he answered, though his voice sounded anything but confident. 

Clarke reached for the doors and pulled them open, stepping into the lounge with Bellamy following right behind. 

“Hi Jules,” Clarke called, waving at her daughter. Julia had been sitting with Abby looking at a picture book - but in an instant, the little girl had jumped up off the couch and ran across the room, launching herself at her mother. 

“Mommy!” she squealed, wrapping her small but strong arms and legs around Clarke who quickly gathered the little girl in her embrace. Julia hid her face in her mom’s shoulder, and Clarke hugged her close. 

Taking a small step backwards to balance herself, and then another step to angle herself towards Bellamy, Clarke rubbed soft, soothing circles on Julia’s back. 

And Bellamy stood there in awe, unmoving, eyes watching them carefully. 

“Look who’s here, baby girl. It’s your dad,” Clarke whispered loud enough for both Julia and Bellamy to hear. 

The corner of Bellamy’s mouth twitched upwards, a half smile again, at being called ‘dad’. 

“Umm, hi,” Bellamy said quietly, but the little girl didn’t look up. 

“She’s a little shy,” Clarke explained, as Julia seemed to burrow herself even more snug into Clarke’s neck, hiding under a shield of blonde hair. “Want to sit?”

Clarke walked over to the couch, and sat down as Abby stood to greet Bellamy. 

“It’s so good to see you Bellamy,” Abby murmured, with tears in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around him in a tight hug. 

Bellamy seemed apprehensive and unsure for a moment, but then leaned into the motherly hug. 

While things had always been rocky between Abby and the Blakes, Clarke’s mother could not deny how much they loved and protected her daughter. But after Julia was born, a switch had flipped, and Abby had all but adopted Octavia as her own daughter. And it seemed like Abby was now welcoming Bellamy as a son too. They were family after all, linked by a precious little girl with blue eyes and dark curls. 

“I’ll leave you guys for a bit. If you need me, I have my phone,” Abby said, reaching out to affectionately squeeze Bellamy’s shoulder once more, and leaning forward to kiss Clarke’s cheek and then Julia’s head, before exiting the lounge.

As the door closed behind Abby, silence enveloped the room. Bellamy sat on one end of the couch, one leg tucked under the other as he sat facing Clarke and Julia on the opposite end. 

Finally Clarke broke the silence. “Julia loves books,” she said to Bellamy, pointing down to her daughter’s knapsack on the ground, a stack of picture books falling out the side. “She gets that from you I bet.” 

Clarke tickled Julia’s side, “Don’t you Jules. You remember that I told you that your daddy was a bookworm, and loves to read, right? Maybe if you’re lucky, he can read you a story today. What do you say?”

Timidly, Julia began to uncurl from Clarke’s lap, turning her head slightly. Her little hands were over her face, so she peeked at Bellamy through her fingers. 

From his spot across the sofa, Bellamy smiled and lifted his hand tentatively, waving at his daughter. “Hi Julia.” 

At the sound of his voice, Julia retreated once again to the safety of hiding in her mother’s hair. 

Clarke bit her lip. She really hadn’t expected Julia to be so shy today. Especially not after the way Julia was talking and dancing around this morning. 

But Julia’s shyness was not helping Bellamy’s confidence. If Clarke wanted this introduction to go well, she’d have to keep talking. “Dr. Santiago said you’d be able to go home tomorrow?”

Bellamy nodded, not taking his eyes off of them. “That’s the plan.”

“That’ll be good for you, to get out of the hospital, and go outside,” she continued to speak, as her hands kept rubbing Julia’s back and legs softly, comfortingly. “I have tomorrow off too, so maybe Julia and I can come by, and bring Arlo over. I bet you’re excited to see him.”

His eyes lit up with excitement. “Really? You’d do that?”

Clarke agreed, “Of course, he’s your dog after all. Arlo will be so excited to see you.” 

He rubbed his freshly shaved jaw with his hand. “I can’t believe you kept him, I figured Octavia wouldn’t, because she was never a pet person… I just assumed Arlo would be long gone, and I wouldn’t see him again.”

“You know my dog?” a tiny, timid voice spoke up, as Julia turned her head slightly to peek at Bellamy through the strands of her mom’s hair. 

Bellamy swallowed. His voice cracked as he answered, “Yeah. Arlo used to be my dog, before he started living with you and your mom.” 

Julia turned toward him a little bit more, and asked another question, her voice becoming stronger and more confident. “But he’s my dog now. Are you going to take him away?”

Shaking his head, Bellamy quickly looked up to Clarke, looking for an assist on answering their daughter’s question. 

“No, Jules, Arlo will stay with us,” Clarke answered. “But he’s going to be really happy to see your dad. So maybe you and your dad can share Arlo now? How does that sound?”

The little girl smiled up at her mom, “Okay, we can share.”

“Yeah, Arlo can stay with you and your mom,” Bellamy confirmed for them. “That way he can look out for you, and keep you safe. And I can come see him during the day, and take him for walks. Sound okay?”

Julia was quiet, looking over at Bellamy, and then slowly nodded her head. “Okay.”

It was quiet in the room for another long moment. Finally, Julia crawled out of Clarke’s lap. She sat on the middle couch cushion between her parents, curiously looking up at Bellamy still. 

“Are you really my daddy?” the toddler asked. 

Clarke noticed Bellamy blink back tears for a moment as he replied, “Yeah, Julia. I’m your dad.”

“Okay,” Julia said again, simply accepting the fact. 

Bewildered, Bellamy looked up at Clarke again, and she smiled at him in reassurance. And when the worry lines on his face remained, she flashed him a quick thumbs up, and mouthed, “You’re doing great!”

Oblivious of her parent’s silent communication, Julia leaned over the edge of the couch and grabbed a story book from her bag. 

“Daddy, can you read me a story?”

Bellamy’s jaw dropped, and his eyes were watery with tears. 

If he was feeling anything like Clarke did, when Julia called her ‘mom’ for the first time, his heart was ready to burst with joy. 

“Of course,” he said softly, holding out his hand. 

Julia gave him the book, and then scooted over on the couch, curling up against his side, already half in his lap. Bellamy wrapped his arm around his daughter’s small body, and opened the book to the first page. His voice was soft, gentle and soothing as he began to read. 

Clarke’s cheeks hurt from grinning, watching Julia and Bellamy, and her heart swelled with joy. She had imagined this moment so many times, wondering what it would be like if Julia had been able to know her father. Often it came in her dreams, where she was teased and taunted by her subconscious, always wondering what it would have been like if Bellamy was around when Julia was born, or took her first steps. Those cruel moments of imagining a future that never could be had always left Clarke devastated and aching for more. 

But now that she was watching Bellamy and Julia together, it was beyond anything she had hoped for in her wildest dreams. 

Trying to be quiet and not disruptive, Clarke slipped her phone from her jacket pocket, and took a sneaky picture. She had a feeling this was an important memory to capture, one that they would all appreciate in the years to come. At the very least, it was a picture she wanted, one that would be able to prove that this moment was real. It was undeniable proof that Bellamy was home and safe, and Julia would get to know her father. 

Maybe she would even print the picture, and frame it by Julia’s bed, replacing one of the older, outdated pictures of Bellamy that Julia insisted on keeping there. 

When Bellamy reached the end of the book, Julia said excitedly, “Another one, Daddy!” scrambling off the couch to pick up her knapsack. She placed her bag and all of the books on the couch beside her, before climbing back up and sitting fully on Bellamy’s lap. 

His arms naturally wrapped around his daughter, holding Julia close as she handed him another book to read, and picked up her stuffed giraffe toy also. 

Biting her lip, Clarke tried not to laugh as Julia introduced her giraffe, Chester, to her dad. 

Clarke snuck one more picture as Bellamy began to read again, and quickly sent it off to Octavia and her mom. This moment was far too precious to keep to herself. 

A handful of books later, the lounge doors opened again, to reveal Octavia and Dr. Santiago. 

“Auntie O! Guess what!?” Julia squealed at the sight of Octavia. “I have a daddy!”

Octavia grinned from ear to ear, as she walked over to the little family seated on the couch. “I know jelly-bean.” She pushed the tiny backpack out of the way and sat down in between Bellamy and Clarke, keeping her focus on her niece. 

“You know, I’m your Auntie _because_ your daddy is my smelly big brother.” 

Julia frowned, “My daddy’s not smelly!” 

Everyone laughed as Octavia tickled Julia’s side. “I know, I’m just teasing you Jules.” 

“What up, doc?” Bellamy asked, looking over to where Gabriel stood with his hands in his pockets, removed from the family gathering. 

The doctor clasped his hands together. “It’s noon, time for our meeting. We’re going over our plan for your release and out-patient treatment?”

“Right,” Bellamy answered, glancing down at Julia, who was still in his lap, laughing at her aunt. “Can we have a few more minutes here?”

Gabriel looked down at his watch and sighed. “Okay, five minutes. And then, my office. Okay, Blake?”

Bellamy agreed, and Gabriel left the room. 

“It’s okay, Bellamy. Julia and I should be going anyway,” Clarke assured him. 

Once Julia had warmed up to Bellamy, the introduction had gone along splendidly. It had only been about an hour of time together, but it was a great first meeting for Julia and Bellamy, and Clarke was glad for that, even if it was about to be cut short.

“I don’t want to go, Mommy. I want to stay with Daddy,” Julia whined. She wrapped her arms around Bellamy and burrowed her face into his chest. 

Clarke sighed, and ran a hand through her hair, mentally preparing herself for another toddler meltdown. 

Octavia stood up and helped pack up Julia’s toys and books into her bag. 

And Bellamy held his daughter tight, gently rubbing Julia’s back, and looked up at Clarke helplessly. Of course he didn’t want to let Julia go. They had already missed so much time together, it would be cruel to separate them now. 

Which meant Clarke had to be the bad guy this time. “I know you don’t want to go Jules, but your dad has to meet with his doctor before he can come home. And once he’s home, you can see him all the time.”

That caught Bellamy’s attention, and his head whipped up to catch Clarke’s eye. “Really? You mean that?”

“Of course! Bell, she’s your daughter. We’ll figure out the details of this co-parenting stuff eventually, but you can definitely see her whenever. We’ll make it work.”

Bellamy swallowed again, his throat bobbing with the action. And then he ducked his head down toward Julia, to whisper softly in her ear. 

It was too quiet for Clarke to hear, but she could hear Julia giggle at something he said. A moment later, he kissed her cheek and Julia unwound her grip on Bellamy’s neck and climbed off the couch, allowing Bellamy to stand up as well. 

Octavia passed Clarke the fully packed knapsack, and pulled her phone out of her back pocket. 

“Big brother, this might help too,” Octavia passed the phone over to Bellamy. 

Only, it was a plain black phone case - no signature red tribal design on the case - which meant it wasn’t Octavia’s phone. 

“We picked it up from Raven this morning,” Octavia explained. “It’s under my phone plan, but she got it all set up for you, with all of our numbers programmed in.” 

Bellamy stared at the cell phone, holding the foreign object in his hand. After spending over four years without a phone, holding the device must feel unnatural. 

Octavia grinned, “We couldn’t find an old flip phone, like you had before, you dinosaur. So you’ll have to get used to the touch screen. But I had Raven put a ton of old pictures on it for you, to make up for that.”

Clarke held her hand out toward Julia, and her daughter quickly latched onto her mom’s hand. “Maybe we can call you later tonight,” Clarke said, glancing up at Bellamy. “Around Julia’s bedtime? So you can say goodnight to each other?”

Bellamy agreed, another genuine smile on his face. 

After a few more quick hugs goodbye, Clarke and Julia left the hospital to go home. 

As she drove home, Clarke began compiling a long to-do list in her head. If she was going to spend the day with Bellamy and Octavia tomorrow, that meant she had to do laundry, grocery shop, and clean the house today. And somehow find the time to walk the dog and make dinner. 

Pulling into her driveway, she groaned softly, realizing she would have to clean Julia’s room if they were going to video call Bellamy later. While Clarke never really cared about the messes, Bellamy was always far more organized and clean. And she kind of wanted to impress him, to show that she could take care of their daughter well. Being a single mom was hard enough on its own, and who knew how much more difficult it would be to navigate co-parenting her daughter with Bellamy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! comments and kudos are much appreciated! as always, come say hi on [tumblr](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


	4. Wrap Stars Around You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for all the love and kind words on the last chapter! reading your comments makes my day!  
> I hope you enjoy this chapter - it was one of the small scenes that inspired this entire story. 
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "King of the Lost Boys" by Sara Bareilles

Oh, honey, don’t you cry  
The absence of the light  
Even the sun must rest his weary eyes  
So let the night wrap stars around you  
Weigh the anchor, and sail into the night’s joy  
You can be king of the lost boys  
 **“King of the Lost Boys” - Sara Bareilles**

Bellamy stood at the window of his small hospital room, pushing the blinds to the side, trying to catch a glimpse of the night sky. 

It was dark outside, but the bright lights from the hospital and the streetlights outside made it impossible to see the stars. 

It had been five nights since he hadn’t seen the stars. Five nights since he wasn’t able to look up to the galaxies before falling into a restless sleep. This was probably the longest Bellamy had gone without seeing the stars in four, almost five years now. 

The last few days had been overwhelming to say the least. 

He had spent years desperately hoping and wishing for freedom and escape during his captivity. And now his dream had finally come true, and Bellamy felt lost. It was surreal and the highest high; yet he was numbed by the reality around him. He felt like a stranger in his own life. 

How could he even begin to comprehend the time he had lost? 

It fucked with his mind to think that his sister had thought he was dead for over four years now. How messed up was it that Octavia had lit a candle in his honour at her wedding, because he wasn’t there to walk his baby sister down the aisle. 

Running a hand through his hair, still surprised by how short and clean it felt, Bellamy sighed. He had known that this was a possibility all along. He had a lot of time to think these last four years, either alone in his cell at night, or during the mind-numbing menial labour he endured every day. 

He figured that there was a fifty-fifty chance of people still searching for him and hoping he was alive, versus if they had accepted his death. Either they were, or they weren’t. Well not really, that math wasn’t right. It was likely a higher percentage believing in his death after the explosion of that warehouse… but now wasn’t the time to think about that. Math was never his strong suit anyway. 

Over the last few years, Bellamy had run every scenario through his mind. He had thought through every option or possibility he could imagine of what his life would look like when he came home. 

Never if, but _when_. 

He wondered if his friends and his sister had held out hope, or if they had given up and moved on. If Miller had made it home safe. If Clarke had moved on and found someone more worthy than him. If Octavia had kept Arlo, or if she had given him away. If they still had his truck, or if he would need to go car shopping. Even something as ridiculously pedantic as whether he would be rescued before his driver’s license expired, or if he would need to wait in a long DMV line to renew it had crossed his mind. 

But never did he ever imagine that he might have become a father. Not even once had he imagined returning home to a child. 

Never. 

Clarke’s revelation was a bomb; the explosion disrupting everything he thought was true, and the shrapnel had altered every fibre of his being. 

Not to imply that his daughter was a weapon or something ruining his life… No. But after years surrounded by war and weapons, it was the only metaphor he could think of. The revelation had changed everything and turned his whole world upside down mere days after having his world flipped right side up again. 

Bellamy glanced down at his arm, where the soft skin below his elbow was still red and pinched, reminding himself that this was real. He wasn’t delusional. He wasn’t lost in a daydream. He pinched his arm again, and felt the sharp sting. 

It was dark outside, but he couldn’t see the stars. He could only see his own reflection in the dark window. Bellamy stared at his reflection and tried to remind himself of what was true. 

_This is real._

_I’m free._

_I’m home. I am safe in Arkadia._

It was all real. He had longed to be rescued for years, and it finally happened. So he ran through more reminders of what was true. 

He was still a big brother to Octavia, even though she got married and doesn’t need him to take care of her anymore. 

He still has his friends, eager to catch up with him, if the notifications lighting up his new phone were any indication. 

And he still has Clarke in his life. 

And holy shit, he has a daughter. 

A beautiful, wonderful, intelligent, and spunky little girl. Julia, who has Clarke’s eyes and his dark hair. 

Bellamy stepped away from the window and sat down on the hospital bed, reaching out to the photograph Clarke had given him. He stared at the picture, memorizing the face of his daughter, the little girl he had met that morning. Julia, the girl who introduced her toy giraffe, and asked him to read stories out loud. His whole world had changed once she hugged him close and called him ‘Daddy’. 

His finger traced the curve of her jaw in the picture, the flimsy paper nothing in comparison to holding her in his arms earlier that day. 

His precious daughter. Julia. 

_Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz_. 

It was his new phone, vibrating on the night table, the screen lighting up as the noise continued. It was a different sound to the single buzz from all the other text notifications that had been rolling in from Raven, Jasper, Miller, Monty, and even Murphy. Bellamy had ignored all of their texts, not knowing what to say. He would much rather see them in person anyway. 

But this new sound caught his attention, and he looked over. 

It was Clarke calling, requesting to video chat. Right, so he could say goodnight to Julia, he remembered. 

Bellamy answered, and couldn’t help the smile that escaped when the screen lit up with Clarke’s face. 

“Hey! You answered,” she grinned, as she walked through her house, the background moving around her. 

“Did you think I wouldn’t?” he asked, reciprocating the teasing tone. He leaned back, propped up by a pillow, and settled in comfortably. 

Clarke laughed, “No, I just thought you would have turned off your phone by now. Jasper keeps texting me to ask why you’re ignoring him.”

Bellamy bit his lip. He knew he should reply to his friends, because _of course_ they were excited that he was in Arkadia, back from the dead. But he honestly didn’t know what to say. “Yeah, I almost turned it off, but I didn’t want to miss your call.”

In the background of the call, he could make out a shrill screaming voice coming from somewhere inside Clarke’s house, as she paused in the hallway. Clarke winced as the screaming grew louder, raking her fingers through her hair in frustration. 

“Sorry, it’s Julia. She’s, ah, she gets upset about the littlest things sometimes. She wanted to wear her purple jammies tonight, but she spilled cereal on them yesterday and I haven’t had time to wash them yet. I suggested her pink pyjamas instead, but apparently it’s the end of the world and I’m the worst mom ever,” Clarke said dryly, an edge of humour in her voice. 

Bellamy chuckled at the scene, “Julia prefers purple pyjamas. Noted.”

Clarke stuck out her tongue at him. “Okay, but since you’re officially her dad now, I’m calling you in for the assist. Hopefully when she sees you on the phone she’ll calm down.”

“You think?” he asked, unsure. Julia wasn’t even four years old yet, and she had spent less than an hour with him. Would she even remember who he was, let alone want to talk to him on the phone?

“I hope so, I mean, she hasn’t stopped talking about you all day. It’s been _‘can daddy take me to park? Can my dad colour pictures with me? Will daddy watch Moana with me?’_ on a constant loop, all day.” 

His chest swelled with pride at each and every reference to _dad_. “Wow. Um, what’s Moana?” he asked, hoping his voice would stay steady, and not reveal how much he loved being called ‘dad’. 

“Fuuu...dge.” Clarke closed her eyes briefly, “Right, I’m going to apologize right now for all the times I’m going to forget that you won’t know something, especially a pop culture reference. Because I’m going to mess up a lot. Moana’s a new Disney movie, and honestly, it’s not terrible.” 

“Well, with that ringing endorsement, how can I say no. You can tell Julia I’ll watch it with her.”

“Tell her yourself,” Clarke teased, and Bellamy watched the phone screen closely as Clarke opened a door and stepped inside a room with bright turquoise walls. He could have sworn he heard Clarke groan, but had no idea why. Thankfully, Julia’s tantrum had calmed down, and she was no longer screaming. Instead she was chatting quietly, talking to her toys probably. 

“Julia, look who it is!” Clarke called, and held out the phone toward their daughter. 

Bellamy bit back a laugh when he realized Julia had pulled off the offending pink pyjamas and was sitting on her bed, stark naked save for her white underwear. Yes, Julia was certainly a Blake, as that very moment triggered a flashback of Octavia as a stubborn toddler running through their apartment in only a diaper. 

“Daddy?!” Julia cheered, reaching out to hold the phone in her hands. 

“Careful with the phone, Jules. Remember, use two hands,” Clarke cautioned, as she sat down on Julia’s bed. As she pulled the toddler into her lap, she slipped a t-shirt over Julia’s head. A purple t-shirt. 

“Hi Julia…” he said, before being cut off - 

“Daddy! Guess what!” Julia rambled, babbling away to tell a story about something silly. 

Bellamy held the phone delicately in his hands. The screen framed a perfect picture of Julia sitting in Clarke’s lap as they snuggled close - though the image was shaky as Julia kept moving the phone around. All the while, Julia kept chattering away. 

“Can we go to the park tomorrow, Mommy? With Daddy and Arlo?” Julia asked, twisting around to ask Clarke. 

But as Julia moved, so did the camera, revealing a wall of pictures hanging over the headboard of Julia’s bed. Framed images that Bellamy recognized as pictures of himself. And around the frames, little plastic stars dotted the wall, ones that would glow in the dark. 

That must have been what Clarke had been referring to yesterday. When she had explained that she had told Julia that her dad was up in the stars, watching down on her. 

“Maybe not tomorrow, babe. We’re going to Auntie O’s remember?” Clarke answered, smoothing down Julia’s dark curls, still damp from her bath. 

Clarke’s voice through the phone pulled Bellamy back to the present moment. 

“Your mom’s right, Julia. But maybe we can go the day after tomorrow?” he said, watching as the camera spun back to normal, bringing his girls back into view. 

Wait, he thought - not _his girls_. His daughter and Clarke. Clarke wasn’t his, at least not anymore. He had messed that up a long time ago. 

Julia cheered with excitement, so she must have liked his plan. Bellamy was beginning to learn that it didn’t take much to please Julia, especially if he agreed to whatever she asked of him. Clarke had been right, he would be wrapped around Julia’s finger in no time. 

Once their plans to go to the park had been confirmed, Clarke asked Julia to pick out a book to read together. Clarke propped up the phone on a table beside the bed, so Bellamy could watch and listen along. He had thought he would only be on the call to say goodnight to Julia, and certainly hadn’t expected to be included in Julia’s whole bedtime routine. But he wasn’t complaining. He had already missed out on so much of his daughter’s life. 

Clarke’s voice was soft and calming as she read aloud a story of a baby animal looking for its mother. On every page the baby animal asked another character if they were its mother - but Bellamy wasn’t really listening to the story at all. Instead, he watched Julia’s eyelids begin to softly flutter, as she grew tired. He watched his daughter snuggle closer to Clarke, and wished he could be there too. 

From his vantage point, it looked like a Hallmark movie moment, far too good to be true. Bellamy pinched himself again, feeling the sharp zing of pain in his arm to confirm that his magical moment was truly real. 

“... and they all lived happily ever after. The end.” Clarke said quietly, closing the book, and kissing Julia’s head affectionately. “Let’s get you all tucked into bed, little one,” she whispered softly, slowly and carefully moving their daughter from her lap to the bed, tucking the blanket around her. 

“Say goodnight to your dad,” Clarke encouraged, bringing the phone a bit closer. 

“G’night daddy,” Julia mumbled. Her eyes were heavy with sleep, and her hair fanned out on the pillow. 

“Goodnight Julia, sweet dreams,” Bellamy said softly, his free hand instinctively reaching out to the phone, as if he could tuck her hair behind her ear through the phone. It was an instinctive gesture from a different lifetime ago, back when he was a young boy tucking Octavia into bed. 

Clarke whispered goodnight to Julia as well, and kissed her forehead gently. 

As Clarke stood up and turned off the light, leaving only the small nightlight and the glowing stars to illuminate the room, Julia called out. “Mama, wait! We didn’t say goodnight to daddy in the stars!” 

Her little voice was full of desperation, and Bellamy froze, feeling his heart thump loudly in his chest as he waited for Clarke’s answer. He wanted to be the one to reassure Julia, but he didn’t know how. It was the same desperate feeling he used to get when his mom lost her job, or Octavia scraped her knee, or when Finn made Clarke cry - all he wanted to do was help make it better, but he didn’t know how. 

“Oh Julia, honey, you already did.” Clarke kneeled beside Julia’s bed, still holding the phone while she tried to console their daughter. “Your daddy in the stars is the same daddy you met today, he’s here on the phone. See?” 

Bellamy waved at the little girl, who was still visibly upset even in the dim light of the room, through the phone screen. “I’m right here, Julia. And I promise I’ll come see you tomorrow.” 

Julia’s lower lip trembled. “Really?”

Bellamy nodded, “Of course.”

“O-Okay,” she whimpered, exhaustion getting the best of her little body, as she flopped her head back down onto the pillow. 

“Alright, enough excitement for one day, hey, baby girl?” Clarke soothed, tucking the blanket back around Julia. “Goodnight Julia, I love you.”

Julia’s eyes fluttered shut, and Bellamy watched as Clarke quietly left the room, holding up one finger to her lips as she stepped down the hall to the living room. 

“Thanks for, well, everything,” she said softly, once she had sat down and settled on the couch. 

“No, thank you for calling me, and letting me say goodnight to her,” Bellamy countered, as a breathy laugh escaped him. “Honestly, I never expected to come home to this, to Julia. So I really appreciate you letting me be a part of her life.”

Clarke didn’t move, and he thought she might have frozen on the screen for a second, but then she blinked. “Oh Bell, of course I want you in her life. Don’t say things like that, you’re going to make me cry.”

“Well, we don’t want that now,” he teased, hoping to lighten the mood. And he was rewarded when Clarke smiled through the screen. 

“No, we don’t. Oh! I was hoping someone else would be awake to say hi to you, but your fat turd of a dog is asleep, passed right out.” She angled the camera to a dog bed on the other side of the living room where a golden retriever was sound asleep and snoring. 

He couldn’t help but laugh, even though his chest squeezed at the sight of Arlo. “He probably wouldn’t recognize me through the phone anyway.”

Clarke shrugged, “Who knows. But he’ll be excited to see you tomorrow. Just be careful that he doesn’t pee on you. He does that sometimes, when he gets too excited.” 

Bellamy laughed again, “I can’t wait.”

They chatted for a few more moments before he brought up the question that had been on his mind since yesterday. “Hey, Clarke?”

“Yeah?” She was playing with the ends of her hair, and the sight had him recalling what it was like to hold her hair in his own fingers the day before. The memory was almost enough to distract him from his question. 

“I was wondering, how did you pick the name Julia?”

She giggled, “I should have known you’d ask me this. But don’t laugh, okay?”

Bellamy agreed, and then stayed silent, watching the phone screen closely for her explanation. 

“Okay,” she exhaled. “So obviously I wasn’t in the best headspace all things considered - you were gone, and I was hormonal and emotional. It wasn’t great. Anyway, once I found out I was having a girl, I started trying to figure out names. And I knew why you chose Octavia’s name, so I wanted to figure something in that theme, to honour you in a small way.”

There was a sickening feeling at the pit of his stomach, as once again Bellamy was reminded that Clarke had to go through all of this alone. He should have been there. Even if they weren’t together romantically, he should have been there to support Clarke while she was pregnant with his child. He should have been there to help her pick out a name. 

“Raven and I found a few names that we didn’t hate, like Cecelia and Tatiana, but we also didn’t love them. Then one night, Harper suggested we look for names that were Roman-adjacent, so our kid wouldn’t be teased on the playground like Octavia was.”

“Hey, that only happened one,” Bellamy countered. 

Clarke rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because Octavia’s big scary older brother took care of that problem. But our daughter didn’t have an older brother to look out for her, so I had to be preemptive.”

Bellamy grinned at her logic, and waited for her to keep talking. 

“Anyway, one of the names we found online that night was Julia, and it became a top contender.”

“So what made you choose it, when she was born?”

“Don’t laugh, you promised you wouldn’t.” Clarke bit her lip, pausing for a second. “So when I couldn’t sleep at night, I’d end up watching tv, and they were always old Seinfeld reruns on. And the more I kept seeing the name Julia in the credits, the more it just seemed to fit. Then one night, I was uh- I was talking to my bump, and straight up asked if she wanted to be called Julia. And she started kicking, so I took that as a sign. So your daughter got her name from my insomnia and a thousand Seinfeld reruns.”

Bellamy smirked, “Well, as long as her middle name isn’t Kramer, we’re good.”

“Hey! You said you wouldn’t laugh at me!” she countered, but laughed along with him anyway. 

“No, it’s a great name, Clarke. It’s perfect for her.”

She beamed at his compliment. 

He sat up talking with Clarke for a few more minutes before she yawned. It wasn’t too late in the evening, but he figured she must be tired anyway. It must be exhausting being a single mom working full-time. 

In that moment, Bellamy decided that he would help her with Julia and Arlo as much as he could. Once he was allowed out of the hospital, he would do everything and anything he could to help. He already had experience raising Octavia, so how hard could it be? Because if anyone deserved a break, it was Clarke. 

After they said goodnight, Bellamy silenced the notifications and turned the phone face down on the table, done with it for the night. 

When Bellamy finally closed his eyes to fall asleep, the stars dancing behind his eyelids weren’t tiny pinpricks of light from the night sky like usual. Instead, they were little plastic glow-in-the-dark stars this time, matching the ones on Julia’s wall. 

And they were the last thing on his mind before the nightmares began.


	5. Lost In The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! happy thanksgiving! I'm so thankful to all of you for reading this fic, and leaving the kindest comments. so here's chapter 5 a few days early and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "Holy Ground" by Banners

All we are, we're distant stars  
Lost in the dark, I know how to part  
Searching high and low for life  
A paradise, a light in your eyes  
I knew it's you, it's true  
And we're standing on holy ground  
So heart don't fail me now  
And even if the walls were falling down  
It will always be us, be us  
This is holy ground  
**“Holy Ground” - Banners**

The wind was cold and nipping at her skin, as she sat on Octavia and Lincoln’s front porch. Clarke tugged her jacket tighter around herself. In the front yard, Julia was playing with Arlo, giggling as the sweet dog continued to fetch the tennis ball over and over and over. 

She checked the time on her father’s old watch once more. Octavia should be back any minute now, with Bellamy. It would be a big night for him - the first night out of the hospital and back at his old house, seeing his dog again, and getting to see his sister’s new independent life with Lincoln. To call it overwhelming would be an understatement at this point, considering everything he had gone through. 

Clarke had tried to convince Octavia that she didn’t want to intrude on the family time, or to burden Bellamy, and she could simply bring the dog by. But Octavia had insisted that Clarke and Julia  _ were _ family, and her brother would be happy to have Clarke there. 

Clarke agreed when Octavia didn’t take no for an answer. And she would be lying if she said she wasn’t excited to see Bellamy again, and to watch as he and Arlo reunited. She had even opted for waterproof mascara because she knew she would probably cry more than once today. 

The crunch of tires in the driveway caught her attention, and she looked up to see Octavia’s car pulling in. 

“Jules, stay with me for a minute,” she said softly, standing up and lifting Julia into her arms, her daughter’s body warm in the cool evening air.

Arlo stood still watching the car carefully from his place beside Clarke, his snout fluttering as he sniffed the breeze. 

The passenger door creaked open, and Bellamy stepped out, eyes wide as he looked at the house. It was the house he had grown up in and raised his sister in, and probably thought he would never see again. 

He barely noticed Clarke and Julia waiting on the front porch steps, before Arlo jumped up and ran across the yard. The dog was a golden blur speeding by, leaping up toward Bellamy. 

Bellamy crouched down  _ just _ in time before the excited dog bowled him over. He opened his arms and gathered the wriggling, writhing golden retriever into his embrace. 

Arlo’s tail wagged so fast his whole body shook, and he whined in excitement, sniffing and licking Bellamy’s face. Clarke had never seen the old dog so happy, and she laughed at the joyful scene, tears lining her eyes. 

In a matter of seconds, both man and dog were lying on the ground on the cold, snow-covered grass. Bellamy hugged his dog close, and Arlo grew more and more excited. 

And Bellamy was laughing, the rich deep sound was unrecognizable at first, but quickly brought a smile to Clarke’s face and tears down her cheeks. 

Julia was wriggling in Clarke’s grip, eager to go see her dad and join the excited hug. But Clarke held her close, wary of the toddler running into the mix and getting kicked, scratched or knocked over by accident. Instead Clarke took a few pictures on her phone. She had a feeling Bellamy might want to remember this moment too. 

Octavia joined them on the porch, with Bellamy’s duffel bag slung over her shoulder. 

“Hey big brother, you coming inside, or you going to play with your dog all day?” she teased, pulling out her key to unlock the front door. 

Despite Arlo’s attempts to keep his human close, Bellamy managed to stand up and brush the snow off of his sweater and pants. “Fine, I’m coming, O. Let’s see how big of a mess you made with the house.” 

As Bellamy walked up the porch steps, with the dog close on his heels, Julia reached out her arms toward him, calling “Daddy!”

Clarke easily passed off her daughter into Bellamy’s waiting arms and Julia snuggled in close, burying her face in his neck. “I missed you, Daddy,” she whispered. 

Glancing over her shoulder as she walked in the house, Clarke saw Bellamy gently kiss Julia’s head and rub her back. The gestures of fatherhood came to him naturally. 

It completely warmed her heart to watch Julia trust Bellamy so quickly, and to see that Bellamy was so eager to be a part of Julia’s life. But, if she was being honest, it also scared her to think that Julia might not need her mom as much as she used to. There were definitely some huge changes and adjustments lying ahead for their dysfunctional family, if they could even call it that. 

Julia didn’t let Bellamy put her down until Octavia had completed the full house tour, which Bellamy had requested. It was like a mini parade through the house led by Octavia, followed by Bellamy and Julia, with Arlo following closely at his heels, and Clarke bringing up the rear. Bellamy quipped and commented on the tiniest details, but Octavia fired shots right back. The familiar sibling banter brought Clarke back to her high school years, where she had spent countless hours at the Blake house listening to the siblings fight and tease. Only this time it was about paint colours and furniture choices rather than boyfriends and parties. 

Eventually Clarke enticed Julia with an iPad, and the little girl was content on the couch while Bellamy and Octavia were upstairs in the guest room unpacking. His new room was actually Octavia’s old room, as Bellamy’s old room was now Lincoln’s home office. Clarke could see that Bellamy was slightly irritated by that fact, though he tried to hide it from his sister. 

In the kitchen, Clarke made herself at home, turning on the radio as she prepared the salad for dinner. Lincoln should be home from work any minute now and he was picking up pizza on the way. Apparently Octavia had needled Bellamy to list a few things that he had missed over the years, and their local pizzeria was high on the list. 

And it was so worth it, to see the smile on Bellamy’s face when he sat down at the full dinner table, surrounded by his family. Everyone at the table watched expectantly as Bellamy took the first bite of his meal and laughed when he moaned with excitement and happiness at the taste. He even claimed it was better than he remembered. 

Despite the wide smile stretched over his face, Clarke could see the exhaustion in Bellamy’s face. He wasn’t used to any of this anymore. For half a second she wondered how long it would take everything to go back to normal - only, there was no normal. It was all new now, and it would be all uphill from here. 

**…**

After dinner they sat in the living room, Bellamy sitting on the floor with Arlo half in his lap, while Julia bounced around the room. She migrated from adult to adult, to whoever would give her the most attention. She had her hair braided by Auntie O and she giggled with Uncle Lincoln, also known as the tickle monster. Finally she flopped on the floor beside Bellamy to play with Arlo. Bellamy was telling her stories about Arlo when he was a puppy, and Julia listened intently, gobbling up every word. 

Clutching a warm mug of tea in her hands, Clarke felt at peace surrounded by her favourite people. The last few days had been a roller coaster of emotion and had flipped her whole world upside down. Or rather, it seems that Bellamy’s return had flipped her life back right side up, returning things to normal - or what should have been normal if he hadn’t gone missing. 

She knew it was probably time to go home, as it was almost Julia’s bedtime, and they still had to walk the two blocks back to their house. But her daughter looked so peaceful and content with Bellamy. Clarke couldn’t bear to disrupt them. Julia had already missed so much time with her dad, so Clarke could push back her bedtime and wait a few more minutes. 

A knock on the front door caught everyone’s attention, and before Lincoln could get up to answer the door, it swung wide open, and the peaceful quiet disappeared. 

“Hey guys!” Jasper called, walking inside Octavia’s house like he owned the place. Monty, Harper, Raven, Miller and Murphy filed in behind him, all chatting away and waving to say hi. 

“Bell! You’re really here!” Jasper called excitedly, bouncing on his toes. He started to cross the room with arms spread wide to hug his long-lost friend. 

Bellamy sat there frozen. His eyes wide in panic as he stared at his old friends, the people he used to know in another lifetime. And then he stood quickly and raced out the back door of the house, escaping to the back deck. The kitchen sliding door slammed, echoing through the now quiet house as Arlo sat at the door whining to be let outside, wanting to follow Bellamy. 

Clarke quickly glanced at Octavia, and they shared a worried look before Octavia followed Bellamy outside. 

“Umm, what are you guys doing here?” Clarke asked, standing up and looking at her friends, who were wearing looks of confusion and surprise. Though Jasper looked absolutely devastated. 

“He wasn’t answering our texts, so we thought Bellamy would rather see us in person,” Monty explained. “Octavia told us she was bringing him home today, and we figured he’d be settled in after dinner, and well, we miss him -”

“It’s been four and a half years, of course we miss him,” Jasper cut in, sounding defeated as he collapsed on the free seat on the couch that Clarke had just vacated. 

“I get that, Jas, I really do,” Clarke said, picking up Julia from the floor, and holding the small girl on her hip, as she tried to diffuse the tension in the room. “But it’s really overwhelming for Bellamy right now. You caught him off guard. He needs time to process all of this, leaving the hospital and being home again. He’s not quite the same person he was before.” 

After a pause, Jasper nodded in understanding, though he still looked crushed. 

Lincoln invited everyone else to sit down, and began offering water and tea to anyone as they waited for an update from Octavia. 

Minutes later, the kitchen door slid back open and Octavia appeared to address everyone. “Hey, he’s okay. Seeing everyone all at once was a lot for Bell. He was surprised, but he is really happy to see you guys, I promise.”

Clarke sighed in relief at her friend’s words. The last thing Bellamy needed was to have a panic attack the first night he was home safe and sound, and to be triggered by the sight of his friends no less. 

“Jas, you can come outside,” Octava said, waving him over, while explaining to everyone else. “Bell would rather talk to you guys one at a time rather than all at once, so you can take turns. But Jasper’s first.”

When the sliding door closed behind Jasper, Clarke met Octavia in the kitchen, and whispered, “Is he really okay?”

Octavia’s face was guarded, but she answered, “Yeah, I think so. I thought it might get really bad for a minute there, but being outside seemed to really help, with the fresh air and Arlo too.” 

Clarke rolled her eyes, and tried to make a joke, “I guess I can finally get him certified as a therapy dog now.”

But Octavia didn’t laugh. Instead, she walked over to the kitchen counter, where Lincoln was making tea for Harper, and leaned against her husband’s strong shoulder. 

Feeling Julia grow tired in her arms, Clarke realized she either had to leave right away, or put Julia to bed in Octavia’s room. But there was no way she could just leave without seeing for herself that Bellamy was okay, so she spoke to Octavia and headed upstairs. 

* * *

* * *

Bellamy sat on the back deck steps, running his hand over Arlo’s head. The soft silky feeling of the dog’s fur was entrancing and calming. Slowly he felt his heartbeat return to normal, and now that he couldn’t hear his pulse echoing in his ears, he could appreciate the soft rustle of the wind in the barren tree branches. 

Reassured by Arlo’s steady breathing, Bellamy released a long breath. He could do this, he could figure out how to talk to his friends. After all, it was what he had spent years longing to do. 

When the kitchen door squeaked open, Bellamy stood up. 

Jasper had a sheepish expression on his face. “Hey, man, I’m sorry.”

Shaking his head slightly, Bellamy replied, “Hey Jas,” and opened his arms to hug his friend. 

Instantly excited again, Jasper dove into the hug, clapping Bellamy loudly on the back. 

“Dude. You’re here, it’s- it’s fucking unbelievable!” Jasper grinned, eyes lit up with excitement. 

Bellamy huffed out a laugh, and sat back down on the steps. “You can say that again.”

Sitting down next to him, Jasper kept talking. “So how’d you do it? Stay alive all these years? And how’d you escape? I bet you’ve got a couple cool stories.”

Squeezing his eyes shut, Bellamy dug his fingernails into his palms to find some sort of escape. Anything to stop the flood of memories returning, the constant loneliness, cold, and locked doors caging him in.

“Umm, I’d rather not talk about it,” he finally answered, his voice rough and raspy with the weight of his anguish. “If it’s okay, can you just tell me what you’ve been up to all these years?”

With a wary look, Jasper nodded, leaning back on his hands as he began to talk. 

Bellamy stared out at the empty backyard, lit with hazy moonlight, and listened to his old friend share stories of a life he would never understand. Stories of his job at a bar, of a girl named Maya, and a prank he played on his boss. 

He stayed silent, listening to Jasper ramble on. Eventually, Jasper turned to him with a raised eyebrow. 

“Are you ever going to fill us in on what the hell happened between you and Clarke? One minute we’re having a wild summer, and then you leave and Clarke gets sad. When we got the call that you, you know,” Jasper grimaced awkwardly, brushing past the word  _ died _ , “Clarke cried more than Octavia. None of us knew why, until she told us she was having your baby.” 

Bellamy exhaled loudly, trying to gather any words while the air left his lungs. “It’s not really any of your business, Jasper. Besides, it was just a fling. A stupid, secret summer fling.”

His voice may have been confident saying those words, but regret lined his heart. If he knew then what he knew now, he never would have let Clarke go. He would have held on to her as long as he could. 

Somehow Jasper was satisfied with that answer. 

“That’s what Clarke told us too, that it was a one time thing. Either way, you have a kickass daughter, so that’s cool.”

Tucking away the knowledge that Clarke had brushed off their fling as a ‘one time thing’ to deal with later, Bellamy shot Jasper an incredulous look. “Thanks, I guess. I wouldn’t describe Julia as ‘kickass’ though.”

Jasper snorted. “Dude, wait til you’ve seen her dressed up as Wonder Woman and hopped up on Halloween candy. The kid can karate chop you like no one’s business.”

While Jasper laughed at the memory, Bellamy felt broken. It was completely unfair that his friends had so many memories of  _ his _ daughter - memories that he could never relive or replace. It was fucking unfair, and honestly, the last thing he wanted to hear about right now.

Luckily, Bellamy was saved by the squeaking kitchen door, as Monty poked his head outside. 

“Hey, just checking everything’s okay?”

Before Jasper could reply, Bellamy was quick to answer, “Yeah. Jas, it was great to see you. Can I talk to Monty for a bit?”

After another quick hug, Jasper returned to the house happier than he’d been before. Bellamy took a deep breath, steeling himself to find the energy to talk to more of his friends. He was exhausted, but it would make his friends happy. 

* * *

* * *

Thirty minutes later, after Julia finally settled down and fell asleep, Clarke crept back downstairs, unsure of what she would find. Jasper was back in the living room, now in a much better mood after spending a few minutes with Bellamy. In fact, almost everyone was excitedly chatting away now, as they sat around joking and laughing like it was a regular group movie or game night. 

The kitchen door slid open again, and Harper stepped inside. “Clarke, hey. We’ve all talked to Bellamy now. He wants to see you next.”

“Me?” she asked, and Harper confirmed, giving her a quick hug. “We’ll leave now, so he can come back inside.” 

After saying a quick goodbye to everyone, Clarke grabbed a blanket off the couch, and wrapped it around her shoulders as she stepped outside into the chilly air. 

Bellamy was sitting on the back porch steps, with Arlo curled up beside him. He absently scratched the dog’s fur as he looked out at the yard and up at the night sky. 

“Hey there, stranger,” Clarke said softly, as she sat down beside and bumped her shoulder against his. “You wanted to see me?”

Bellamy looked over at her, and a small smirk crossed his face. The intensity of his eyes caught her off guard and sent a spark through her veins. She was thankful it was dark outside, so he couldn’t see the flush on her face. 

A small flash of worry creased his brow. “Where’s Julia?”

“Asleep in Octavia’s bed. But you don’t have to worry about her. Right now, we’re worrying about you.”

His eyes grew dark, a mixture of brooding and affection. It was a look that sent her pulse racing. Clarke ducked her head to hide her blush. 

It definitely didn’t help that sitting out here in the Blake’s backyard reminded her of the last time she had been out here with Bellamy. Everyone had been over for a games night, the last one before Bellamy left for his next tour, his last tour. And a few drinks in, Bellamy had pulled her outside to the warm summer night, away from the prying eyes of their friends. Hidden away at the back of the yard, in the small space behind the shed and the fence, Bellamy had kissed her breathless, pinning her to the shed and caging her in with his strong arms. They kissed with lips, tongues, and teeth; their hands tracing and mapping each other’s bodies. When her lips grew numb, his mouth moved down, sinking hot kisses along her neck, to her collarbone, to the tops of her breasts. He dropped to his knees in front of her, his hands scorching hot as they ran down her hips to her knees, and back up her thighs under her dress. Dropping a kiss on the inside of her thigh, he slowly, oh so slowly kissed his way higher and higher, her hands tangling in his hair to hold him close. And then-

“Yeah. Remember when you said you’d be there if I ever needed to talk?” 

The sound of his voice pulled Clarke out of her memories, and back to the present. 

She nodded slightly, and reached over to pick up his hand in hers, wanting to be closer to him and to comfort him. Though she was determined to be focused in this moment, and not lose herself to the memories of all the times she had held his hands before. “Yeah, of course. You can tell me anything.”

He paused and began to play with her fingers, tracing them with a soft touch, rubbing small circles on her palm. 

“Aren’t you cold, sitting out here? I can get you a blanket, or a coat?” she started to ask. 

But Bellamy shook his head, no. “I’m fine, really. It’s refreshing after being cooped up in the hospital for so long.” 

“Okay. Well, I’m cold, so…” she scooted closer to him, to lean against his warm body. 

He chuckled at this, and picked up both of her hands in his, to keep them warm. And then he began to speak, softly, staring up at the stars. 

“Everyone keeps asking how I am, and I don’t fucking know. It’s like a fever dream, these last few days… I honestly don’t even know what I’m feeling. I think I’m constantly in a state of being overwhelmed. I’m excited that this is actually real, but it’s completely exhausting. But I also don’t want to miss out on anything else anymore.”

Instead of commenting, Clarke stayed silent, encouraging him to keep talking.

“The only thing I want to remember from the last few years is the time I spent looking up at the stars. I could see them every night, and they reminded me of home.” He glanced down, and chuckled softly, “It sounds stupid to say out loud, but I liked knowing that the same stars I could see were looking down on my friends and family back home, back here in Arkadia.”

Clarke swallowed, to hide the breathy laugh that threatened to escape. She wanted him to keep talking, but she couldn’t help but notice how ironic it was that this was  _ exactly _ what she had told Julia, to find comfort in looking up at the stars.

“I think it just really hit me tonight, when I started sitting out here that I’m allowed to decide things again, and choose things for myself. It’s- it’s unreal now, having the freedom to  _ choose _ to simply sit outside when I want to, instead of being locked up, and told where to go and when. It’s mind boggling to me right now, this feeling of freedom. I mean, it might sound ridiculous, but I  _ like _ feeling a little cold right now, because I know I have the option to go find warmer clothes, and I won’t be shivering all night.”

She gasped in reaction to his words. He hadn’t revealed much, but every detail she learned about his captivity and the awful treatment he endured added to the pit in her stomach. 

He looked over at her, and a worried expression crossed his face.

“Sorry, that’s too much. You don’t need to know the details,” he reasoned. 

Clarke turned her body so she was facing him, and her eyes began to well with tears. “No, that’s not it. I’m just- I’m so mad that you had to go through that and I couldn’t do anything to help you then.” 

She took a deep breath to steady herself, and continued, “But I want to help you now, so you really can tell me anything. But I will be heartbroken and outraged because you’re still one of my best friends and I am furious that this happened to you.”

He stared back at her for a moment as he processed her words. She felt a single tear slide down her cheek. And then he stretched out his arms toward her, enveloping her in a hug. 

Once again, it felt like coming home to be wrapped up in Bellamy’s warm, strong arms, as he held her close. She could feel the gentle thump of his heart beating in his chest, and found comfort in the steady, reassuring rhythm. 

“Thanks for listening, Clarke,” he murmured. His lips must have been close to her ear as she felt a shiver run up her spine at the reverberation of his voice. 

She hugged him closer, rubbing soft circles on his back, like she would when comforting Julia. It must be comforting for him too, because when he exhaled she felt some of the tension leave his weary body. 

After a few moments he pulled away from the embrace. 

“Ready to go back inside?” she asked, wrapping the blanket back around her shoulders from where it had fallen down sometime during their hug. 

Seeing his wary look at the kitchen door, she reassured him. “Everyone went home. It’s just O and Lincoln.” 

He nodded, and slowly stood up. “I really appreciate it, Clarke, talking to you,” he said, his eyes focused on hers intensely, grounding her in place. “I don’t think I can talk about much with O, because I just want to shield her from it all, you know. It’s weird, she’s all grown up but I still want to protect her. I’m glad I have you.”

Clarke bit her lip and nodded, trying to hold back the tears. “Anytime, and besides, what else are friends-slash-’the mother of the child you just found out about’ for?” she teased. 

He chuckled and she saw the flash of his teeth. Stepping forward, he led her back inside the warm kitchen. 

Clarke knew they would be okay. It wouldn’t always be easy, but they would figure it out, one conversation at a time. They always did in the past, and they would continue to now. 

But it would certainly be a whole lot easier if his touch didn’t send sparks like fire through her veins, and if seeing him smile didn’t warm her whole heart in a ‘more-than-friends’ type of feeling. Shaking the thoughts out of her head, Clarke mentally scolded herself. She couldn’t worry about any of that right now, not when it was so much more important to make sure that Bellamy and Julia were handling everything okay. They were her number one priority, listed far above her own wants and desires. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, come say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


	6. Starting To Feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's the next chapter, hope you enjoy! 💜
> 
> chapter title & lyrics below from "Grows Old" by Thirdstory

Can I take your hand?   
Do you understand?  
You found my heart broken and  
You helped me make it whole

I'm starting to feel I've found something real  
The thought of you fills me with a warmth I've never known  
Hold my heart til' it grows old  
Hold my heart til' it grows old  
 **“Grows Old” - Thirdstory**

There was no air. He couldn’t breathe. Frantic, his hands scratched at the stone walls. Under his fingernails were lines - no - tick marks, paired off in groups of five. Last he’d counted there were one thousand five hundred and eighty seven lines, over four years worth. But now the lines were endless, spanning decades. They were scratched into the highest corners of the cell, scrawled across the stones right up to the bars sealing him inside. 

Endless. There was no escape. His lungs burned.

The jangling noise of metal clanging echoed in his ears, growing louder and louder as the chains shook around him. 

He fell to his knees, barely noticing the sharp crack of his bones against the stone floor. 

The bars on the door and window seemed to grow thicker, wider, sealing off the space. Stealing away the light. 

Desperate, he looked up through the window, hoping to glimpse the night sky through the rapidly shrinking space. Instead he saw nothing. A black void. 

There was no air. There was no escape. 

It grew darker. He was suffocating. There was no light. Sharp pain seared through his veins, and he clawed at his chest, desperate for relief, desperate to fall unconscious. 

Warm sunshine streamed through a crack in the window blinds, and Bellamy gasped for breath as his eyes flashed open. He bolted upright and threw the blankets off, his heart pounding in his chest and his lungs on fire. 

It was a dream. A terrible dream.

It wasn’t real. 

Bellamy glanced around the room trying to figure out _where_ he was. It must be his mind playing tricks on him, because it reminded him of Octavia’s childhood bedroom, except with grey paint on the walls and new furniture. 

He took a deep breath and rubbed the sleep out of his tired eyes. 

Bellamy saw the red duffel bag from the hospital sitting beside the dresser. Beside it, three cardboard boxes with his name written in messy sharpie, that he knew held the few books and memories Octavia had saved in the attic. And on the night table was a picture of Octavia, Clarke, and Julia-

_Oh_. 

This was real. This was not a dream. 

But he pinched his arm once more just to make sure. 

The sharp sting of pain made his heart leap in excitement. Because this was all real, and the nightmares were only a dream. 

Glancing over at the night stand, he saw his phone. He picked it up and unlocked it, and saw the picture Clarke had set as his lock screen - the picture she had taken when he met Julia for the first time, when he was reading a story to her. Bellamy stared at that picture for a long moment, so long that the screen faded to black and he had to hit the button again. 

It was all real, and he had a daughter waiting to see him. 

Bellamy got up for the day, taking notice of everything around him. The smallest things now felt like a luxury - a shower with hot water, soap to use, and clean clothes to change into. A tight hug from his sister downstairs, as she asked if he slept alright. And a full breakfast laid out for him with real crispy bacon and hot coffee. These were all little things he had taken for granted in his old life, but now he truly appreciated how lucky he was. 

He devoured his breakfast. He hadn’t noticed how hungry he was until Octavia added seconds and thirds to his plate. It might make him feel sick later, but it was too damn delicious for him to care. 

Before he knew it, it was time to meet Clarke and Julia at the park. Bellamy followed Octavia out to her car, and tried to ignore how weird it was for his little sister to be chauffeuring him around. He wanted things to go back to normal, where he always drove. But he would have to find a new car or truck before that could happen. 

It was a chilly February day, and small patches of snow dotted the grassy fields, but Bellamy found the wind was refreshing and invigorating, so he kept the window open a crack. 

“It’s freezing, Bell. You’re letting all the warm air out,” Octavia complained, using her controls to roll his window back up. 

Shooting her a glare, Bellamy lowered the window again. “Suck it up, O. A little fresh air won’t hurt you.” 

He hoped she would buy the excuse, because the last thing he wanted to admit right now was that the car was too suffocating. Claustrophobia was probably the better word for how he was feeling, but acknowledging it would mean admitting how on edge he felt. So he let the freezing air hit his face, pushing his hair and his worries away. 

Bellamy wore a coat borrowed from Lincoln that was a size too big, though it kept him warm. But the sneakers he wore wouldn’t help against the snow. He missed the nice pair of winter boots he had left behind, but Octavia had donated them years ago to the thrift store along with most of his other possessions. He hadn’t expected his sister to hang on to everything he once owned, but he was surprised by how little she kept. Even Clarke had held on to more of his things than his own sister did. 

“Besides a coat and new boots, is there anything else you need right now?” Octavia asked as they drove through the suburban streets toward the local park. “I’m going to the mall later and I can get you anything you want.”

Bellamy shook his head, and grumbled, “No, O. I’ll be fine.” 

He stared out the window at the neighbourhood, trying to catalogue everything in his memory as either something he remembered or something new. The house on the corner still had a yard full of garden gnomes, but the roundabout at the intersection was new. There was now a Starbucks where his favourite local coffee shop used to be, but his favourite Thai place was still next door. 

“What about gloves? And we should probably look for new jeans and shirts too.”

“I said, I’ll be fine,” Bellamy repeated, his voice firm. 

Octavia shot him a look of exasperation, as she turned left in the parking lot. 

“Really, I don’t need anything else. Unless you have a time machine, or some other way of figuring out how I can get my life back. And my stuff back,” he shot at her, the anger he had been holding back for days was surfacing, evident in his voice. He squeezed his hands into tight fists, trying hard to remember that he wasn’t mad at his sister - she wasn’t the enemy here - but all of her questions were getting on his nerves. 

“I’m sorry, Bell,” Octavia answered through gritted teeth as the car slowed to a stop. Her knuckles white as she gripped the steering wheel. “I know. I get it. I’m a terrible sister because I let myself give up on hoping you were alive. I’m awful because I threw out your clothes, gave away your books and your dog, and sold your truck. I’m-”

“Enough, Octavia.” He said sharply, staring straight ahead and not meeting her eye. Bellamy had to get out of the car, now that they weren’t moving, the small enclosed space was even more suffocating. “I - I can’t do this with you right now. I’m going to go see Julia and be the good, perfect dad Clarke expects me to be, and …” Bellamy groaned, and rubbed his hands over his face, hoping the action would lift the heaviness weighing down his soul. “And, we’ll talk later, okay?”

Without giving Octavia the chance to comment or agree, Bellamy exited the car and slammed the door shut. 

Taking a deep breath of the cold air, Bellamy forced a smile on his face and walked down the path toward the play structure, where Clarke and Julia were waiting. Arlo was already running, and the dog was by his side in a minute. Bellamy scratched the dog’s ears in greeting, but looked up when he heard a little voice call out. 

“Daddy!” Julia was bouncing with excitement at the top of the play structure. She scooted down the little red slide, and once on the ground raced toward him as fast as her little legs could carry her. 

Bellamy crouched down and held his arms out for his daughter, and gathered Julia up in a hug, kissing her on the cheek. “How’s my girl today?” he asked, his smile becoming genuine as he watched Julia’s blue eyes shine bright with excitement. 

“Come play with me,” Julia insisted, and he willingly agreed. Holding Julia’s tiny hand, he followed her back to the slides and climbing equipment, Arlo following right at his heels. 

Waving at Clarke, he saw the wide smile on her face as she watched him interact with Julia. She waved back, beginning to laugh as Julia continued to pull him along toward the playground. Julia might be little, but she was determined. 

“Up.” Julia pointed to the built-in ladder, and stepped onto the first rung. Out of habit, his hand automatically hovered an inch from her back as she climbed. It seems the protective instincts he had when Octavia was young had only doubled now that he was a father. 

Once Julia was up on the play structure, he scaled the ladder quickly to follow her. Arlo whined on the ground when he couldn’t follow them up, but he quickly trotted back to Clarke and laid down. Bellamy felt Julia’s hand in his again and she led him across a bridge toward the tallest slide. 

With a quick glance over his shoulder, he saw Clarke and Octavia talking. They sat side by side on top of the picnic table, with Arlo lying at their feet. 

“Come on the slide with me, Daddy,” his daughter insisted, tugging on his hand. He maneuvered to the top of the slide and placed Julia in his lap, his arms holding her tight like a seat belt. 

“Ready?” he whispered in her ear, smoothing a stray curl away from her face. 

She clapped her hands together, “Yes!”

Bellamy pushed off and the wind was chilly on their faces as they slid down together. Julia’s adorable laughter was infectious as it tinkled through the air. He couldn’t help but grin, a small burst of happiness blooming within him. 

“Again!” she cried, squirming to get out of his lap, but grabbing his hand anyway to pull him back to the ladder. 

Again and again, Bellamy followed Julia up the ladder and down the slide. The little girl’s laughter and tight grip on his hand was constant and reassured him that he was doing something right. He could feel his heart softening a tiny bit every time he heard her call out “daddy” in excitement or giggled at something he said. 

At age three, Julia could never create world peace or end the war with Azgeda, but she could start to heal his fractured soul with each and every smile. And for that alone, his daughter was his hero. 

It was only when Julia decided she wanted to go on the swings that he realized Clarke was sitting by herself. Octavia was gone, and Clarke’s car was the only vehicle in the parking lot. 

“Higher, daddy! Push me higher!” 

“Hold on tight,” he said, grinning as he pushed Julia a tiny bit higher on the swings. 

Clarke sauntered over then, a knit cap pulled down over her ears and her hands plunged deep in her coat pockets to keep her warm. 

“Having fun?” she teased, mirroring Bellamy’s grin as she approached. 

“Loads,” he answered, pushing Julia forward again. 

She giggled as the swing went up in the air. “Mommy, watch! I’m so high!” 

“I’m watching,” Clarke said, waving quickly before stepping closer to Bellamy. 

“Where’s O?” he asked, curiosity piqued. 

Clarke shuffled on her feet, glancing at the ground. “She, uh, she said you had a fight in the car, and asked if I could drive you home.” 

“Oh. It wasn’t really a fight…” he started to explain.

Waving a hand, Clarke interrupted. “She told me, and I get it. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. And it certainly can’t be easy coming back home to find that everyone moved on without you and all your stuff is gone, like you were erased from your own life.”

Bellamy bit his lip, nodding slightly. 

She was right. He didn’t want her to be right. Bellamy wanted to be mature about this, and handle his reintegration to his old life well, and hadn’t expected the loss of his old possessions to cut so deeply. It was childish, stupid even, but it hurt all the same. 

“Just, please go easy on her,” Clarke cautioned, referring to Octavia. She lowered her voice, and spoke softly so Julia wouldn’t hear. “She’s my best friend and she went through hell with you gone, Bell. It was, well, she should probably tell you herself, but it was really dark for a while there. She was drinking all the time, smoking who knows what, leaving town without telling anyone, driving carelessly… We were all so worried, but she wouldn’t let us in, said she didn’t want our help.”

Bellamy blinked, standing still as he processed Clarke’s words, only moving his arms automatically to continue pushing Julia’s swing. He had no idea that Octavia had gone through anything like that. When he talked to her at the hospital, she had simply said she had a hard time with her grief and anger, but Lincoln and her kickboxing class had helped her cope and move on. Now that he thought about it again, Octavia had brushed that conversation off too easily, changing the topic quickly. 

He looked back up to Clarke, who was watching him carefully. 

“She came around for Julia though, in the end. I tried calling her when I went into labour, but she didn’t answer. Raven took me to the hospital, and Lincoln must have got through to Octavia, because she showed up just in time and held my hand through the delivery.” Clarke had been watching Julia swing while she spoke, but now she turned to look him in the eye. “Octavia promised me that day that she was going to change, determined to help raise your daughter, because she owed you that.” 

“She doesn’t owe me anything,” Bellamy said softly. He looked down at the ground, nudging the frozen dirt with his shoe. 

Clarke’s brow furrowed, “Have you told her that? Because she is drowning in guilt right now.” 

He shook his head and exhaled, “I, uh, no. I haven’t.” Pushing the swing forward once again, he finally admitted, “I was kind of hoping to wait until after I meet my new therapist tomorrow. Maybe the doc can tell me what to say to O. Lord knows we have enough crap to work through from our childhood, let alone these last few years.”

She smirked at his words. “You have a point, a second opinion won’t hurt. But you should probably still say something today, and take the first step.”

As always, Clarke was right. But Bellamy wasn’t going to admit that right now. He wanted to take the easy way out and ask a professional about how to deal with his sister, but Clarke was right and he shouldn’t wait until tomorrow. He would try to make an effort to talk to Octavia tonight, even if he had no idea what to say. 

Luckily, before Clarke could offer any more wise words, Julia announced that she was done swinging, and Bellamy slowed the swing. 

“I think it’s time to go home. What do you think, Jules?” Clarke asked, picking her daughter up and hugging her close. 

Julia shook her head, “No, I want to stay and play with Daddy more.” Her bottom lip jutted out in defiance. 

“But it’s so cold,” Clarke shivered dramatically, bouncing Julia. “How about we go home and warm up with hot chocolate?” Clarke offered, using the treat to entice Julia. 

“Can Daddy come?” 

“Of course. We have to drive him home anyway, otherwise he’ll have to walk, and we don’t want that.” Clarke nudged her nose, pink with cold, against Julia’s and soon they were both giggling. 

Bellamy watched the mother daughter interaction closely. The two of them were so in sync. Clarke knew exactly what to say to avoid mood swings and meltdowns from Julia, and yet Julia charmed her way into getting exactly what she wanted. Julia was a miniature version of Clarke, and with the exception of their hair colour, they matched in every way - blue eyes, determined spirit, and completely adorable.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of the oversized borrowed coat, trying to warm his fingers as he followed Clarke to her car. 

While he knew that his relationship with Julia was going well so far, it was likely only because having a dad was new and exciting to the little girl. He wondered how things would be once the new-ness wore off, and if he and Julia would ever be as close as she was with Clarke. For a fleeting moment, jealousy flared at the fact that Clarke had spent over three years being Julia’s sole parent. Once his head caught up to his heart, Bellamy realized how illogical and unreasonable it was to be jealous of Clarke - it wasn’t her fault in the slightest. In fact, it was fully his own damn fault for not being there. But it still crushed him to know he had missed so much time with Julia. 

**…**

In all honesty, Bellamy was avoiding his sister. Which meant that every time Julia asked him to do something, he simply said yes. 

Bellamy spent the rest of the day at Clarke’s house with the two people who seemed to actually want him around. They had hot chocolate with extra marshmallows, and curled up on the couch with blankets to watch Moana. Clarke was right about that too, for the record, it wasn’t terrible for a Disney movie and he’d have those songs stuck in his head for the rest of the day, and most of the night too. He joined Clarke and Julia when they took Arlo for a walk around the neighbourhood, and then spent the rest of the afternoon reading books and drawing pictures with his daughter. 

It was the best day he had in a long time. Though the thought of a confrontation with his sister was eating away at him. 

Clarke had just invited him to stay for dinner when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. The weight was still unfamiliar in his hand when he answered the call, feeling clumsy trying to press the right buttons. 

“Raven?” He raised an eyebrow, and looked to Clarke, curious to see if she knew what was going on. She only shrugged and walked over to the kitchen to start preparing dinner. 

“Hey! Bellamy, how are you?” Raven said, her voice echoing as if in a car. She must be driving. 

“I’m fine. What’s up?” he stood up from the floor, and began pacing slow circles around Clarke’s living room, while keeping an eye on Julia who was colouring a princess book on the floor. 

“What?” she answered, teasing him, “Do I need a reason to call one of my best friends who spontaneously reappeared from the dead?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“You take all the fun out of things, Blake. I’ve missed that.” 

“Raven, what’s up?” he repeated. 

“Right. I’m on my way to Octavia’s place right now. Meet me there in five minutes?”

He ran a hand through his hair, messing up his curls. While he wanted to avoid Octavia by spending more time with Julia and Clarke, he knew he couldn’t use that same reason on Raven. “Ah, yeah. I can do that. I’ll see you soon.”

“Great. Later, Blake,” Raven confirmed before the call ended with a beep. 

Sighing, Bellamy went to the kitchen to find Clarke and explain the situation. 

Clarke immediately understood and offered to drive him home, but he declined, preferring to walk. It was only two blocks away anyway. When she scowled, he knew she would rather drive him so she would know he got home safe, so he promised to text her. 

But after he hugged Julia goodbye, he noticed Clarke had pulled up the maps app on his phone, highlighting his route home. So he wouldn’t get lost, she had explained. Even though it was an obvious straight line with one right turn, it was nice to know she cared enough about him to worry like this. 

**…**

As Bellamy turned the corner onto his street, he immediately noticed the extra vehicle in Octavia’s driveway. It wasn’t hard to miss as Raven sat on the back tailgate of the pickup truck in her bright red jacket, waving wildly. 

She jumped down when he stepped onto the driveway, and pulled him into a tight hug. 

“Hey, Raven,” he said, “What’s up?”

It was only then that he noticed Octavia approaching from the house. “Hey, big brother,” she said, her voice softer than normal, apologetic even. 

Bellamy looked back and forth between Raven and Octavia. 

Raven shrugged her shoulders, “Well, this is awkward. My ride’s here,” she pointed to the motorbike that was parked on the road, and the man waiting there waved. “That’s Shaw, my boyfriend. But you can meet him later. So, here are your keys...”

She tossed a key ring from her pocket at him, which he caught on reflex alone. “My what?”

“Your keys. I checked the truck over this afternoon and everything looks good, but if you have any questions just call, okay?” Raven smiled, flipping her long ponytail over her shoulder. 

“Thanks Rae,” Octavia said, hugging her friend goodbye quickly. 

But Bellamy stood awkwardly in place, glancing between his sister, Raven, and the truck in the driveway. “This is… for me?” he finally asked. 

Raven laughed as she began to walk away, “Bye Blakes!” The motorcycle roared to life as Raven strapped on her helmet and climbed on the back. And she was gone as quickly as she had arrived. 

“O, what’s going on?” Bellamy asked Octavia, looking down at the keys in his hand. 

“I’m sorry, Bell. Okay? For this morning, and for everything.” She smoothed a piece of hair behind her ear. “I know I can’t get everything I gave away back for you, but I tried to get your old truck back. Raven called the guy she sold it to, but he wouldn’t sell it back. So we bought this one instead. I hope that’s okay?”

“Okay? O, it’s - it’s a great truck. But I can’t, it’s too much...” Bellamy looked the vehicle over carefully. It was the same colour and make as his old truck, but a much newer model. It even had a second row of seats in the cabin, instead of one bench seat up front like his old truck. A quick glance in the window told him that Octavia and Raven had thought of everything as he spied the car seat strapped in the back. They had picked out a truck that was so similar to his old truck, but would also allow him to drive Julia around. 

“No, Bell, it’s not. It’s yours,” Octavia insisted. 

“You sure? It looks expensive…” he tried to reason. He couldn’t expect his baby sister to buy him a new car, especially when she couldn’t have made more than a couple hundred dollars by selling his old truck. Especially when they had grown up living paycheck to paycheck, and the last thing he wanted to do was compromise her financial stability. 

His sister waved away his concern. “Honestly, don’t worry about the money, Bell. Please.” She stuffed her hands in her pockets. 

Raising an eyebrow curiously, Bellamy goaded her into explaining. 

“This is so fucking weird to say out loud now, but a few years ago I- I got money from the army because of you. They paid out your life insurance, and it was a lot. And before you worry about what happens now that you’re back, because _I know_ you will worry about all that. Lincoln called already, and we got in touch with Pike. He looked into it for us, and assured us that we won’t need to give the money back. There’s a bunch of legal shit you’ll need to sign, but basically, as long as you don’t sue the army for abandoning you, we get to keep that money, and you’ll get an additional payout to thank you for your service.” 

Bellamy was blown away, completely shocked. Sure, he had signed all the documents years ago to certify what would happen if he lost his life in service - the life insurance, his will, and more - and found a small comfort knowing Octavia would be taken care of in his absence. But he never imagined he would be around to see the payout. 

Running his hand through his hair again, he tried to focus, but there was so much to take in. He took a deep breath. 

“I get that it’s a lot. Insane, really.” Octavia continued to talk, “We have all the paperwork on file with Emori and her law office if you want to see it. But we were smart with the money. You taught me well. We set up a college fund for Julia, and child support for Clarke too. We were going to pay off Clarke’s mortgage, but her mom did that first. And we used some for our wedding and the house renovations, and I bought this truck. But the rest is yours, Bell. We just have to go to the bank and I can sign it over.” 

“Seriously?” he asked, still taken aback by the influx of information. Bellamy took a step backwards and leaned against the side of the truck. _His_ new truck. 

Octavia nodded. “Yeah, seriously.”

“Wow, I- I don’t know what to say…”

“How about, we take your new ride for a spin around the block?” she offered, a smile returning to her face. 

It was too much. The brand new truck. The nicety from his sister. Not having to worry about money. 

Scratching his head, Bellamy sighed. “No, I need to be by myself right now.”

A flash of hurt crossed Octavia’s face, before her eyes turned apologetic again. “Bell, I don’t think that’s a good idea. You just got home, and you’d be driving without a license. What if you get pulled over?”

Shrugging, Bellamy opened the driver’s side door of the truck. “What are they going to do? Lock me up?” He laced a challenge into his voice, daring her to fight him on this. 

Octavia opened her mouth, as if to say something, but then closed it again. Crossing her arms, and with a cold expression on her face, she finally said, “Just come home eventually, okay?”

Bellamy agreed with a curt nod, as he climbed in his new truck and closed the door. Turning the key, the engine purred to life, and he could feel the energy pulsing beneath him, the power at his disposal. 

Backing down the driveway onto the street, Bellamy couldn’t contain the smile on his face. Now _this_ was freedom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, come say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


	7. So Far Away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey friends, another chapter, here ya go!   
> chapter title & lyrics below from "From Where You Are" by Lifehouse
> 
> *Also, the characters talk about some heavy topics in this chapter. Content warnings listed in the end notes below.*

So far away from where you are  
These miles have torn us worlds apart  
And I miss you, yeah, I miss you  
So far away from where you are  
Standing underneath the stars  
And I wish you were here   
**“From Where You Are” - Lifehouse**

When Bellamy showed up for his first therapy session last week, he had not expected to be talking to someone like Charmaine Diyoza. Sure, he assumed that his therapist would have military connections and specialize in post traumatic stress, but meeting Diyoza caught him off guard. She was blunt, and cut straight to the point with no nonsense and a handful of swear words that would make a sailor blush. 

If he was perfectly honest, Bellamy had been dreading these sessions. The last thing he wanted to do was rehash the awful life experiences he had left behind. Those memories should stay in the past, where they belonged. He only wanted to look forward, to enjoy the time he now had with friends and family. 

Bellamy told Diyoza that much during their first meeting. To which she retorted that they should begin to work through everything now, on his terms, before the stress and trauma of it all caught up to him. He begrudgingly admitted that she might have a point.

And Diyoza was sneaky too, encouraging him in ways he couldn’t argue with. Once Diyoza found out about Julia, she began to use the ‘father’ card to motivate him. And Bellamy hated that she could use that strategy so effectively against him - because  _ of course _ he wanted to work through the hard things now so he could be a good father to Julia. 

Reluctantly, Bellamy agreed to continue seeing her, and set up a regular appointment twice a week. If Bellamy had to see a therapist, he might as well continue working with Diyoza, who seemed to be almost as messed up as he was, though by some miracle it seemed she had turned her life around. 

To Diyoza’s credit, she had encouraged him to talk to his sister sooner rather than later, echoing Clarke’s sage advice. Working things out with Octavia would be one of the major stepping stones in his healing process. Octavia was the person he had the strongest bond with, and shared a history and a home with her too. 

After avoiding his sister for another full day after his first session with Diyoza, Bellamy finally worked up the nerve. He borrowed Arlo from Clarke so he and Octavia could go for a short hike along the trails of Mount Weather. It was where their mom used to take them for hikes and picnics when they were kids. It was also where the two siblings went to talk through some of the harder conversations they needed to have after their mom passed away. If Bellamy was going to have a difficult conversation with Octavia, it might as well have a good view. 

Bellamy led the way up to their favourite trail. It had the best lookout over Arkadia. There was something about the view and the change in perspective that made all of their problems seem smaller and less significant. He hoped that might work again today. 

Taking a deep breath of the cool fresh air for courage, Bellamy brought up the fight they had started in the car on their way to the playground a few days before. He tried to explain as best as he could why he was so frustrated to come back home to find that everything had changed. Nothing was the same, and he couldn’t even rely on having his own things to regain some sort of normalcy. He still had most of his favourite clothes, thanks to Clarke’s hoarding, but all of his favourite books and games were gone, as was his old truck and his laptop. And while they were all items that could be replaced, it still hurt having the memories cut out of life. All of those things had been a part of his life before, shaping the identity of the old version of himself. Now, he barely knew who he was anymore. 

“In my head I get it, O. Why you got rid of my stuff. I was supposed to be dead, and dead people don’t come back to life.” He knew his words were harsh, but there was no way to phrase his thoughts delicately. 

“I’m not mad at you, O. It can all be replaced. But I guess I just want to know what you were thinking, and why you had to erase all traces of me to cope.” Bellamy hated how brutally blunt the question was, but he had to know the answer. And he knew that Octavia needed to say the answer out loud, to his face. He was prepared for her to yell or scream at him. At least out here in the woods there would be few witnesses, if any.

“Shit, Bell. It sounds so horrible when you say it like that.” Octavia stormed a few steps ahead, going further along the trail. 

After a moment of silence between them, the only noises coming from the rustling of the trees and the crunch of their boots on the gravel, Octavia spun around to face him. “Honestly, it killed me to see all of those reminders of you all the damn time. Every day it was a reminder that you weren’t coming home and I was all alone… You left me...” Her voice trailed off, and a tear traced down her cheek, falling onto her scarf. 

Bellamy swallowed the lump in his throat. “O, stop. Don’t say that,” he whispered. 

He squeezed his hands into fists, taking a deep breath, trying to remember that he was really angry at the universe, and not his little sister. 

“I’m here now. I came home,” he said finally, looking her in the eyes. Octavia’s eyes were red, tears tracking down her face. “I’m not mad at you, I promise. It’s just been a lot, and coming home to see that you moved on and threw everything away… It made me feel like I never existed. It fucking sucks for me, but I do understand why you did it.” 

“I really am sorry Bell. I couldn’t handle having it all around me, reminding me of you. It was my way of surviving my grief, and it crushed me to do that. And really, I’m just, I’m…” she trailed off as she breathing shook, “I hate myself, that I gave up on you.” 

He reached out and grabbed her hand, starting to speak, but Octavia had more to say. “I mean, even Clarke never stopped hoping that you would come back. She believed in you, and I told her she was crazy. But me, your own sister, I gave up on you.”

She shuddered, as a sob wracked through her body. It killed Bellamy to see his sister in so much pain. He closed the distance between them, enveloping her in a hug in the middle of the trail. Luckily the weather was still far too cold for the trail to be busy, so they didn’t have to worry about getting in anyone’s way. 

“Shh, O, I’m here now,” he tried to console. 

Her head bobbed, as she tried to nod despite her tears. “I- I know that, but Bell, for how long? How long until you disappear again? I don’t know if I can handle you leaving me again…”

“No, O, no. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving,” he tried to reason, his own eyes growing watery with tears. “Besides, I have you and Julia here, why would I want to go anywhere else?” 

Octavia nodded and held on to him tightly. After a minute, they unfolded from their hug, and continued walking down the trail. 

They crossed the bridge where they used to spend afternoons as children, dropping sticks into the water on one side of the railing, and running to the other side to see which stick was the fastest. He had always tried to convince O that her stick had won, all while their mother would watch from a picnic blanket nearby and laugh at his antics. Bellamy glanced up at Octavia, and from the small smile on her face, he knew she was thinking of the same memory. 

“Hey, Bell,” Octavia said, her voice hesitant. “You know when I filled you in on what I was doing these last few years?”

“Back at the hospital?” 

“Yeah. So, I kinda left a lot out,” she admitted, kicking a pebble in her path.

“Really?” he asked, but left her the space to keep talking. 

“Yeah,” she continued. “When I found out you weren’t coming home, I lost it. I-I started drinking way more than I should, and spending time with people who were, well, they weren’t great. I pushed Clarke away, broke up with Lincoln for a while, and almost lost my job because I was drunk or high all the time.”

Bellamy vaguely knew this already, from Clarke’s brief explanation, but it still pained him to hear these words from his little sister. Especially since it was his fault - his absence had triggered her breakdown. 

“They never gave up on me though. Clarke invited me to every doctor’s appointment, and still wanted me to be in her child’s life, even though I was a mess. And Lincoln, well, he saved me. Right before Julia was born, I almost got into a really bad accident, I was driving recklessly, and was probably half drunk. Either way, I almost died. And I realized that you would have been pissed at me for acting this way. So I called Lincoln, he picked me up, held me while I cried. Somehow he never gave up on me.”

Octavia paused to snap a twig off a nearby tree, and fiddled with it in her hands as they walked. Bellamy stayed silent, listening to his sister as they followed Arlo down the trail. 

“He told me that when life knocks me down, I have to get back up. And an hour later, we got a call from Raven that Clarke went into labour. I decided right then and there, that I had to change. I would get back up and live. If you couldn’t be there for Clarke and your child, then I would step in and help raise my niece like you raised me.”

“Thank you for that,” Bellamy managed to say, despite his voice being raw with emotion. “For being there for Clarke and Julia when I couldn’t. I appreciate it more than you know.”

And remembering his conversation with Clarke at the park a few days ago, he cleared his throat and added, “But you don’t owe me anything, you know that right? Just because I helped take care of you when we were kids, doesn’t mean you have to pay me back by helping with Julia. I never wanted you to feel guilty.”

“I know, Bell, I get that now. Jules is my niece, and I love her. But I also wanted you to be proud of me,” she looked up at him with a wry grin on her face, “plus, she’s a Blake. I had to teach her everything you taught me.”

Bellamy felt the emotion rise in his throat again, and tried to swallow the choking feeling away. He shared a nod of understanding with his sister, but didn’t dare trust himself to speak. 

They turned one last bend on the trail, and the trees began to thin as they approached the viewing platform. From this vantage, Arkadia looked like a small toy-town below them. 

Bellamy sat down on the bench, taking a few moments to soak up the view. Arlo quickly flopped at his feet, and Octavia sat down next to him a moment later. 

“There’s uh, one more thing I wanted to tell you. But it’s hard for me to talk about,” Octavia began, keeping her focus entirely on the view. 

“You don’t have to tell me, at least not now,” he offered, leaning forward to scratch Arlo’s ears. 

“No, I do. Before I chicken out again.”

“Okay, I’m listening,” Bellamy said softly.

“After Lincoln and I got married, I was doing okay for a while. And then life knocked me down again, and I almost fell into all of those bad habits.”

Octavia kicked her foot back and forth in the dirt, digging a small hole. After a breath, she continued. “We, uh, we got pregnant right after the wedding. But I lost the baby, I miscarried. And it broke me. And having to see Julia all the time, well, it crushed me because it just wasn’t fair. I lost my brother and my baby, and I almost lost myself.”

“O,” Bellamy sighed, glancing over at his sister. “I’m so sorry.” When he had left for his last tour, she was still a child in his eyes, his baby sister who knew no fear and lived life wildly. But now, he could see her for the strong woman she had become. The woman who had walked through pain and grief, yet survived, and came out stronger and more determined on the other side. 

Octavia inhaled sharply, and then exhaled slowly, using the long breath to calm herself. “The whole point of me telling you this is that Lincoln encouraged me to talk to someone. So I went to therapy, and began to sort out my crap. And it’s been really, really good for me, to work through everything that came from our dysfunctional childhood, and all the loss.

She placed her hand over his on the bench, and squeezed softly. “Basically, I wanted to say that I’m proud of you for going to talk to someone. I know it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it in the end. Life’s not fair, and what happened to you was really shitty. But I want you to heal, and I want you to be happy again.”

“I want that too,” Bellamy agreed. He wanted to say more, but the words were stuck in his throat. Blinking back the tears that were threatening to spill, he stared out at the horizon. 

The tension that had been lingering in the air between them for days now had disappeared, and there was a peaceful feeling left in its place. Bellamy knew that getting used to life back in Arkadia wouldn’t be easy and it would take time, but clearing the air with his sister was a needed first step. 

After a long few minutes, Bellamy finally found his voice again. “Thanks for talking to me, O. I’m sorry I wasn’t around for all of that. But I promise I’m here now. And I’m here to stay.” 

He had missed so much, too damn much. He hadn’t been there when Octavia needed him most. Bellamy was determined to do everything in his power to not let that happen again, no matter the pain, sacrifice, or uncomfortable conversations in his therapy sessions it would cost him. 

**...**

“Blake, you came back. That’s a nice surprise,” Diyoza said dryly when Bellamy showed up for his second appointment a few days later. 

“Anything to make you happy, doc,” he replied smartly, sitting down in the leather armchair near the window of her office. If he ignored the filing cabinet of patient’s files and the framed diplomas on the wall, he could almost pretend he was simply sitting down with a friend or professor, instead of someone trained to help him navigate the trauma lingering in his brain. 

“Ah, well it would make me happy if you said you did your homework. How did that go?” 

Bellamy leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. “If you’re asking if I talked to my sister this week, then yes. Many times. Funny how often you talk to someone when you live with them.”

Diyoza rolled her eyes. “Wow, you’ve got a smart mouth today, Blake.” She moved the notebook and pen sitting in her lap to the table beside her chair, giving her full attention to Bellamy.

He certainly appreciated how informal the sessions were, far more conversational than he had expected. It made him feel like he was somewhat normal still, and not a totally messed up person for a doctor to study. 

“Okay, so last week we worked through some different strategies to talk to your sister, Octavia, about the guilt she was experiencing and the anger you were feeling. I don’t care if you talked about cars or movies this week - did you two talk about that?”

Bellamy nodded slightly, his chin still resting on his clasped hands. “Yeah, we talked.” 

He recalled his conversation with Octavia from a few days ago, when they had hiked on the mountain, and relayed it to Diyoza. 

“Look at that Blake, you really did do your homework. Gold star for you,” Diyoza complimented, a surprised yet smug grin dancing across her face. “So things with your sister have been better this week?”

Bellamy nodded, leaning back in his chair again. “Yeah, now it’s back to constant bickering and teasing. So, the old normal.”

“Good,” she answered with a nod. “What about your new normal? How are things with Julia, and Clarke?”

“Fine,” he answered. 

But Diyoza raised an eyebrow at him, and he knew he couldn’t get away with a one word answer. 

“It’s a life I wasn’t expecting, that’s for sure. But I’m trying to spend as much time with Julia as I can. I lost so much time not knowing about her, and sometimes, I guess I feel like I’ll never be good enough for her, because I never knew her as a baby. I mean, Clarke knows Julia so well - she can calm her down when she cries or has a tantrum, and when Julia gets hurt, she wants her mom first. But it all comes down to the fact that I should have been there, but I wasn’t.”

Diyoza sat quiet for a moment. “It sounds to me like you’re feeling guilty for something completely out of your control. Tell me, if you had been able to come home sooner, would you?”

Bellamy blinked at her, processing the absurd question. “What kind of question is that? Of course!”

“Okay. And from what I can see, you have been a dedicated father ever since you found out about Julia. Would that be any different if you had come home and found out about her a year ago? Two years ago?”

“No, of course not. Why does this matter?”

“Bellamy, I’m just trying to widen your perspective a little. I haven’t known you long, but I can tell you would have been there for Julia and for Clarke too if it had been within your power. But it wasn’t.” Diyoza clasped her hands together. “The fact is that the situation was completely out of your control. Which means that this guilt is misplaced. Tell me, does Clarke hold it against you, that you weren’t there for Julia these last few years?”

“No, she hasn’t mentioned anything to me.”

“See, there’s your answer. I’d be willing to bet that Clarke wouldn’t want you to feel guilty either. If she knows you at all, then she knows you would have been there if you could, if it was within your power.”

Bellamy sighed, resting against the back of the chair. He tried to absorb Diyoza’s words as he spared a glance out the window, looking at the resilient evergreen tree branches. 

“What do you mean by my guilt being misplaced?” he asked finally, breaking the silence in the office. 

Diyoza fiddled with the pen in her hands as she answered. “Misplaced guilt comes from feeling guilty about a situation or circumstance that you had no control over. You weren’t to blame for the outcome, yet you still feel the guilt.”

Bellamy nodded, understanding the point she was trying to make. 

“Though, sometimes it can lead you to feel guilty about one thing, when really, deep down, there’s something else triggering the feeling. Could there be any other reason for having these feelings of regret or shame? Anything to do with Clarke, perhaps?” She watched him with careful eyes. 

Bellamy lowered his gaze, as the knot in his stomach twisted tighter. He couldn’t keep eye contact with Diyoza, not when he knew the exact reason that was causing him to feel this way. But he wasn’t ready to deal with it yet, not when it would open a whole entirely new set of problems. 

“Maybe we don’t have to talk about it today, but I’d like to hear more about your relationship with Clarke at some point. Especially seeing as she’s the mother of your child, and your sister’s best friend.”

“As fun as that sounds, I think we can hold off until another time,” Bellamy muttered, leaning back into his chair and rubbing his face. These conversations took a huge toll on his mental endurance, and honestly, he was ready to leave. 

It seemed like Diyoza could sense his hesitancy and anxiety, because she was all too willing to wrap up rather than badger him to open up. 

“Alright, homework for this week. What do you want to work on, Bellamy?”

He shrugged, “I don’t you, you’re the expert.”

Diyoza’s smile was unsettling. “Right you are, I am the expert. Okay, even though you don’t need to feel guilty about not being there for Clarke, maybe you can still do something, an action of some sort to show her and yourself that you’re committed to being there for Julia now. Something to show that you’re in Julia’s life to stay, something that could make Clarke’s life easier. Any ideas what that could be?”

Bellamy shrugged noncommittally once again. 

“I trust you’ll figure something out. You must have a smart brain to go with that smart mouth,” Diyoza teased. 

“Oh, piss off,” he muttered.

“And there’s the Bellamy I’ve come to know and love,” she said with a smirk. “And this next bit, it’s not homework, but I’d like you to start thinking about what you want to do next. Once you’re cleared, will you want to find a job, go back to school, or travel? Or maybe just take some time off?”

His heart began to race at the thought of having to start making those big life altering decisions. Hadn’t his life already been altered enough in the last few years?

Diyoza must have seen the anxiety on his face. “I don’t say that to scare you. And there’s no time limit to making a decision, just start thinking about it. Float some options, make a pro and con list for all I care. You’re alive and the world is your oyster, or whatever the saying is. Either way, you get to choose what’s next for you. Okay?” 

Bellamy nodded, and stood, following Diyoza to the office door. He shook her hand as he left, and begrudgingly promised to return for his next appointment. 

He didn’t want to think about the questions she had prompted. All he wanted was a nap. Well, he really wanted a drink, but Dr. Santiago had warned Bellamy to stay away from alcohol with the new anxiety medication he was on. So a nap it would be.

**...**

Though he physically hadn’t done a lot that day, besides taking Arlo for a quick walk through the neighbourhood, Bellamy was exhausted. The mental toll of his session with Diyoza had him ready to pass out for the night. 

Octavia had been surprised when he excused himself after dinner. Earlier that day he had promised to watch a movie with her but he backed out. Opting instead to read in his room for an hour or two after calling Julia to say goodnight. And once he had started yawning, Octavia didn’t argue and shooed him up the stairs. 

After skimming through a few chapters, Bellamy rubbed his weary eyes and closed his book, too tired to continue reading. With the lights off and the window blinds wide open, he could just catch a glimpse of the stars in the sky above him. Resting on the bed, Bellamy propped his feet up on the headboard above his pillows, and kept his head near the window sill so he could look up at the stars. 

Taking the moment to breathe, he stared up at the stars. He tried to relax his whole body, willing the tension out of each muscle, one at a time. 

His whole life had changed enormously in the last two weeks, and he could barely begin to comprehend how lucky he really was. But seeing the stars above him once again grounded him in the reality that this was his new life now. And it was better than all of his wildest dreams. 

He didn’t know how much time had passed as he watched the night sky, but soon a soft thumping noise caught his attention, coming from somewhere in the house. The rhythmic tapping grew louder and faster, and- 

Oh. 

Oh  _ hell no _ . 

It couldn’t be… Octavia and Lincoln wouldn’t be that noisy now that they shared a house with him.

But they also thought he was asleep. 

Shit. 

Covering his ears with his hands, he began to brainstorm a solution to this new, very loud, very disturbing problem. 

But before he could come up with any good plan besides leaving the house entirely, he heard a soft moan cutting through the air. 

No. Nope. That’s it. 

Bellamy leapt off his bed, wide awake now. All traces of his earlier exhaustion had vanished. Grabbing a hoodie from the back of his chair, and his phone and keys from the desk, he left his room. To his misfortune, he realized the noises were even louder out in the hallway, so he ran down the stairs, slid on his shoes and left the house as quickly as possible. 

Figuring he would walk around the dark, quiet neighbourhood for a while, Bellamy lifted his head back up to the night skies. Where they weren’t diminished by the glowing streetlights, the stars glittered across the dark canvas of the sky. He kept walking, and unbeknownst to him, his feet led him on a very direct path. Before he realized it, Bellamy was standing in front of Clarke’s house. 

The lights were off, and the driveway was empty, reminding him that Clarke was on a night shift, and Julia was sleeping over at Abby’s house. 

Even though Clarke wasn’t home, Bellamy felt like he still wanted to talk to her, to hear her voice at the end of a very long day. He sat down on the front porch swing, and pulled out his phone, dialling her number.

She picked up on the third ring. “Bellamy? Are you okay?” There was an edge of panic in her voice. Understandably so, as there was no other reason for him to be calling at eleven o’clock at night. 

“Hey Clarke, no I’m fine,” he assured her. “You’re at work?”

“Yeah, why? What’s going on?” 

Bellamy pulled the sleeves of his sweater down around his hands, to block out the chilly wind blowing in the night air, as he tried to explain the awkward situation. “I-uh. I had to leave the house. O and Lincoln thought I was asleep, and they umm, were really loud, and-” He was cut off by Clarke’s sudden outburst of laughter. 

“Oh my God, Bell! You got sexiled?!” she asked, still laughing through the phone. 

Bellamy groaned, scrubbing his hand over his face. “Ew, no. Don’t say that. I don’t want to think about that…”

But Clarke was still laughing, no - she was giggling now. It sounded lighthearted, and magical over the speaker. 

“It’s one thing to know they’re married, but another thing to  _ hear _ it. Ugh,” he sighed, dropping his head into his hands. 

“Where are you, Bell? Outside somewhere?” she asked. 

He looked around the front of her yard, as if she could see him. “Yeah, I’m at your house actually. I just started walking and ended up here. If it’s okay with you, I’ll just wait here on the porch for a bit, and then head back to the house.”

“No, Bellamy. You can’t do that,” Clarke said firmly. 

“No? Okay, I’ll leave --”

“Not what I meant, Bell. Sheesh,” she interrupted him. “I meant, there’s a spare key under the flowerpot. Go inside where it’s warm. You can stay for a few hours or the whole night, whatever you want.”

“Really?” he asked, in disbelief. 

“Really,” Clarke confirmed. “Besides, Arlo might go crazy if he sees you sitting outside, ignoring him.”

Touched by her generosity, Bellamy stood up and located the flowerpot, and instantly found the spare key hiding underneath. “I guess that’s true.” He unlocked the front door and returned the key to it’s hiding spot, before stepping inside Clarke’s house. “Thanks for this, Clarke. I really appreciate it.”

Arlo woke up at the sound of the door, and silently padded over, tail wagging as he nudged Bellamy gently in the leg to say hello. Bellamy scratched the dog’s ears and knew that despite the circumstances, he was exactly where he wanted to be. 

“Anytime, Bellamy. Make yourself at home. Oh, and while you’re at it, go find my other spare key, and keep it. You’re going to be over with Julia all the time, so you should have it. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it until now.” 

He followed her directions, and located the key in a junk drawer under the microwave. Adding the key to his keychain, Bellamy tried not to get excited about the fact that Clarke had just given him a key to her house. Maybe if he hadn’t messed things up between the two of them years ago, he would have received a key from her a whole lot sooner. And maybe it wouldn’t be a key to her house, it would be a key to  _ their _ house. No, he couldn’t think like that - not now, not ever. Not when everything was already ruined and buried in the past. 

“I have to get back to work now, but I’m glad you called me. Stay as long as you want, and help yourself to anything in the kitchen, okay?”

Bellamy smiled to himself, as he settled comfortably on the living room couch. He patted the space beside him for Arlo, and the dog jumped up beside him. “Thanks, Clarke. For everything.”

“You’re welcome. ‘Night, Bellamy,” she said softly, before ending the phone call. 

With Arlo curled up beside him, a warm comforting weight against him, Bellamy finally closed his eyes and fell asleep, finding the rest his body desperately craved. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warnings: mentions of mental health struggles; mention of miscarriage


	8. See You Through My Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title and lyrics below from "See You Through My Eyes" by The Head and the Heart ❤

This could be so easy  
If you could see you through my eyes  
I tell myself not to let it go  
Hold on to something so beautiful  
**“See You Through My Eyes” - The Head and the Heart**

“Hmm,” Clarke tapped her chin as she thought, looking over the long list of items on a yellow legal pad on the counter in front of her. She was leaning on the counter while Bellamy and Julia sat on the stools across from her, snacking on apple slices. 

“Octavia got all the good ones. The only thing I can think to add is this one,” she offered, using a pen to scrawl another item to the long list of items under the label  _ Movies _ . 

“Really, adding another one? I’m never going to get through this list in the first place,” Bellamy said, a note of frustration in his voice. And then he stole another apple slice from the dish in front of Julia, making the little girl laugh. 

It had been just over a week since Bellamy had found out about Julia and the two of them were already thick as thieves. Clarke was convinced that Julia’s laugh was Bellamy’s new favourite sound, because every time they were together, he always tried to make her giggle. 

“You’re just lucky you showed this to me, instead of Jasper or Harper. It would have been five times as long then,” Clarke smirked, tapping her fingers on the countertop. 

When Bellamy had arrived at her place today, he was carrying a notepad with a long list written out. Apparently Octavia was becoming more and more frustrated by Bellamy’s lack of pop culture knowledge. Mostly because he didn’t know any of the references to movies and shows that had aired in the past few years, and therefore didn’t find her jokes funny. So his sister had taken it upon herself to create a  _ ‘must catch up on to be a normal human being’ _ list. 

“Why can’t there be more books on there? O knows I never watch TV…” Bellamy trailed off, dropping his head on his arms in defeat. 

“It’s not so bad, not really. How about we work through the list together? I haven’t seen about half of these anyway.” Clarke offered, telling herself it was a completely innocent offer to help a friend. 

“You’ve got a deal,” he agreed.

She spun around, reaching for a glass and filled it with water at the sink. 

Of course, inviting Bellamy to stay after they put Julia to bed, to work their way through a long list of tv shows had absolutely nothing to do with how she felt about him. Sure, they could sit side by side on the couch, and she would pay attention to the screen. And somehow she would ignore how much she wanted to be held in the arms of the man next to her. 

When Clarke looked back at Bellamy, he was smiling up at her. Normally, his smile alone would cause her to blush. But Bellamy had picked up his new glasses that morning, and the sight of him smiling at her along with those thick dark frames, stirred up butterflies in her stomach. Honestly, if she didn’t have to worry about Julia, or Bellamy’s PTSD, or figuring out how to co-parent with him, she would be tempted to throw herself at him right then and there. 

Luckily, before she could say or do anything to ruin their friendship, Clarke heard the front door open. 

“Hey Clarke, hi Jules!” a voice called from the hallway, as the front door slammed shut again. 

Julia climbed down from her stool and ran to the front door, as Bellamy spun around on his stool to catch a glimpse of the teenager who babysat Julia all the time. 

Seconds later, Madi walked into the kitchen, with Julia perched on her hip, as the two girls shared a laugh. 

“Hey Mads. This is Bellamy, Julia’s dad,” Clarke said, gesturing to the man sitting at her kitchen counter. 

“I could’ve guessed, you’ve got like a million pictures of him in Julia’s room. It’s a little creepy,” Madi teased back, before returning Julia to her seat and holding out her hand to Bellamy. “I’m Madi.”

“Bellamy,” he replied, shaking the teen’s hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you, good things.”

Madi raised an eyebrow, “And I heard a lot about you… mostly the fact that you were supposed to be dead, but-”

“Madi!” Clarke interjected. 

“What?” the teen shrugged, rolling her eyes. “It’s true.” 

Clarke sighed, and leaned back against the counter. 

But Bellamy was chuckling softly. “Ah, it’s fine, you can joke all you want, but maybe not in front of Julia, okay?”

Madi agreed, and reached in front of Julia to take the last two apple slices out of the dish. 

Bellamy smirked and looked up at Clarke, “She reminds me of a young Octavia.”

Clarke laughed, shaking her head from side to side. It was a fair comparison, and honestly, Clarke had thought the same when she had first met Madi years ago. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Madi grinned wickedly. “Your sister is bada-- Your sister is very cool.” She quickly corrected her words, careful not to swear in front of Julia. 

“On that note, I think we’re ready to head out,” Clarke announced, clapping her hands together. “You know the drill, emergency numbers on the fridge, my credit card is on the counter so you can order pizza. Oh, and we took Arlo for a walk earlier, so he’ll be fine for the night. I think we’re set,” Clarke said as she tidied up the dishes into the dishwasher. 

Bellamy opened the back door to let Arlo inside. In the two seconds that his back was turned, Madi whispered dramatically “Wow, he’s hot!” to Clarke, and faked fanning her face. 

Clarke shushed Madi by throwing a dish towel at her face, which Madi easily caught as she sat down on the free stool beside Julia. “You’re trouble,” Clarke muttered, under her breath. 

“But you love me anyway,” Madi teased back, as Arlo trotted over to say hi by nudging his nose into Madi’s leg. He was quickly rewarded as Madi scratched at his ears. 

“I do,” Clarke rolled her eyes. “Come on Bellamy, let’s leave these two troublemakers.” She leaned over and kissed Julia’s cheek goodbye. And for good measure, Clarke smacked a kiss to Madi’s cheek as well, ruffling her long curly hair as Bellamy hugged Julia goodbye. 

**…**

They drove in Bellamy’s new truck, en route to Monty and Jasper’s house. It was game night with their friends, and the first group night since Bellamy had returned. Clarke had offered to drive, but Bellamy insisted on showing off his new truck. And who was she to deny him this one freedom?

Once she climbed inside, Clarke immediately felt right at home in the passenger seat. It might have been a different truck back then, but Clarke had spent a lot of time sitting next to Bellamy as he drove around Arkadia over the years. Usually it was on their way to pick up Octavia or one of their other friends. But there had also been those two months of summer where their relationship had changed. His truck had been their getaway, the one place where they could be alone and not worry about being interrupted. And they had spent a lot of time cruising down old country roads and finding quiet places to park where they could enjoy their time together.

“Madi’s a cool kid. She seems right at home with you and Julia.” Bellamy commented as he turned left onto a main street. 

“Yeah, sometimes she feels like a younger sister to me, and other times like an extra daughter. But we love having her around.” Clarke stared ahead, forcing herself to watch the streetlights pass as they drove along, instead of staring at Bellamy. There was something about him in glasses that she just couldn’t get enough of. 

“How did you meet her?” he asked, adjusting his grip on the steering wheel. 

It was a fair question for Bellamy to ask, especially since Madi spent so much time babysitting their daughter. And Clarke was grateful for the distraction, as she began to speak. 

“Madi’s a foster kid. Her parents were killed in a house fire when she was four. She bounced around in the foster system until she moved in with Mrs. Thompson across the street about four years ago now, just before Julia was born.” Clarke began her explanation. 

Bellamy was listening closely to every word. Most people were quick to judge or stereotype Madi solely based on the fact that she was a foster kid. But Clarke knew that Bellamy had a soft spot for kids growing up in difficult situations seeing as his own childhood hasn’t been easy. And she knew the teen’s history wouldn’t change Bellamy’s opinion of Madi. 

“She had a rough start here those first few weeks. Had a bad attitude and she was fighting kids at school, and almost got sent back to the group home. But I was seven months pregnant and needed some help taking care of Arlo, so I asked Mrs. T. if I could hire Madi as a dog walker. And it turns out long walks with that dog helped and gave her purpose. Madi totally transformed. When Julia was born, she started helping me out a bit more. She started watching Julia so I could shower or make dinner, or run to the store.”

“Wasn’t she young to be watching a newborn?”

Clarke shrugged, “Maybe, but I trust her. And I had her take a babysitting course at the community centre, and she’s first aid certified too.”

“Ah, you covered all your bases,” Bellamy grinned, glancing over quickly. 

“You know me, what else did you expect? Anyway, Madi is the best babysitter we could ask for. She loves Julia as if they were really sisters, and I love her too. Plus, she’s an investment to me now,” Clarke grinned. “Thanks to me, Madi has a hefty college fund in place, and she’s saving for a car.”

Bellamy laughed, “Smart kid.” 

“That she is.”

After a quiet pause, Clarke asked, “Are you ready for tonight?”

Tonight would be the first time Bellamy would be seeing all of their friends at the same time. And their group game nights were known for being loud and wild. She had offered to plan a quiet movie night with Julia instead, but Bellamy was insistent on attending.

His fingers tapped the steering wheel as they waited at a red light. “Yeah, I guess? I really did miss everyone. And now I know what I’m walking into this time, so it’s not a complete surprise. That should help.”

Clarke swallowed a laugh, the memory of that insane night last week coming back to her. “I bet. Make sure you talk to Jas though. He’s still mad at himself for messing that up.”

Bellamy nodded, eyes focused on the road as the light turned green. 

“It’ll be fine, stop worrying,” Clarke teased. “Want to have a secret signal, if it all gets too much and you want to leave?”

He shot a glare at her. “I think I can handle my own friends, Clarke.”

She held her hands up in front of her innocently. “Just making sure. Because we can totally work something out here… what about this?” Clarke tugged her earlobe. “Or this?” And tapped her chin. 

When Bellamy smiled, she knew her plan to lift his mood had worked. By the time they parked in front of Monty and Jasper’s house they were both laughing, and ready for a fun night of stupid games and greasy pizza with their friends.

**…**

Once they let themselves into Monty and Jasper’s house, Bellamy was immediately hug-tackled by Jasper. Luckily, Bellamy was prepared for the ambush this time, and was able to return the bear hug enthusiastically. 

Clarke worried for a moment, but when she was sure that Bellamy was alright, she quickly slipped to the kitchen to pour herself a glass of wine. Since she wasn’t driving for once, she could enjoy a drink. Lifting the glass to her lips, she took a quick sip before smiling at the scene in the living room. 

Bellamy was the centre of attention, receiving hugs from everyone. All of their friends had given him space throughout the week, respecting his need to have a little time to himself to figure out his new normal. But now that he was finally back for game night, they were thrilled to have him around. 

She couldn’t help but be glad that she hadn’t needed to give him space too. Because of Julia, Bellamy had come over to their house everyday. And that meant Clarke could see him too. 

“Do you think he’s ready for this?” Octavia joined Clarke at the kitchen counter, where they were both watching their friends. 

Clarke shrugged. “I think so. He had a great day with Jules, and finally met Madi too.” 

She watched Raven introduce Bellamy to her boyfriend, Shaw. The two men shook hands, and laughed at something the brunette said. Clarke found it heartwarming to see Bellamy genuinely happy surrounded by friends who had missed him dearly. 

“Besides, we came up with a secret signal if he decides he wants to leave,” Clarke joked, bumping her shoulder against Octavia’s. 

Instead of laughing, Octavia looked up and caught Clarke’s eye with a mischievous smirk on her face. “Oh, more secrets for you and Bell? You two are something else.”

Before Clarke could reply, the front door opened as Murphy and Emori arrived. 

“Hey, stranger!” Emori called, opening her arms wide for a hug, which Bellamy returned. “It’s so good to see you!” 

“You too,” Bellamy answered, hugging her back tightly. He shook Murphy’s hand next in greeting. 

“You guys!” Jasper called, bouncing with excitement, “Everyone’s here! It’s time for charades! Everybody team up!” 

On a normal game night, Clarke was the only person who didn’t arrive with a partner in tow. So she would pair up with whoever’s partner couldn’t come - with Miller when Jackson was on shift, or Raven before she started dating Shaw. Other times, Clarke would referee the games instead of participating. But tonight, as she and Octavia joined their friends in the living room, squished in on couches and sitting on the floor, Clarke looked around the room and realized she and Bellamy were the only ones not yet paired up.

Catching his eye across the room, she asked, “What do you say, Bell? Partners?”

“Definitely,” he grinned, leaning back in his seat as he patted the armrest beside him. 

Stepping over a jumble of crossed legs, Clarke crossed the living and sat next to him on the chair’s armrest. Only it wasn’t the most comfy place to sit, so she leaned toward Bellamy, resting her elbow on the back of the chair behind his head. She bumped his shoulder by accident as she maneuvered, but instead of pulling away, Bellamy leaned against her, his bicep brushing her thigh and his neck leaning against her arm. It was already warm enough in the house with so many people crowded inside. But having Bellamy right next to her, touching her, Clarke felt her skin flush at the contact. 

As Jasper placed a bowl full of prompts on the coffee table in the centre of the room, Clarke quickly glanced around the room to make sure no one noticed her blush. 

Monty and Harper were up first, and Monty’s wild gestures had everyone laughing. When it was Clarke and Bellamy’s turn to play, Clarke jumped up from her seat to pull a piece of paper from the bowl. Seeing the prompt, Clarke smiled over her shoulder at Bellamy. This would be a piece of cake. 

“Hey, no flirting. That’s cheating,” Miller called, from where he sat on the floor, leaning against Jackson’s legs. 

Raising a middle finger in Miller’s direction, Clarke moved to stand in the clear few feet of space in front of the television. 

“Ready?” Bellamy asked her. 

Her stomach swooshed at the sight of him standing in front her. Maybe a day would finally come when the sight of Bellamy in his glasses and a plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves wouldn’t leave her hot and bothered. But today was not that day. 

“Yeah,” she answered, taking a breath to rebuild her composure. With a small dramatic flare, Clarke began acting out her prompt, miming someone singing a big musical number. Really, she was acting out what Julia had been doing all afternoon. 

Without a moment of hesitation, Bellamy yelled, “Moana!”

“Yes!” she cheered. Caught up in the excitement, Clarke jumped toward Bellamy and wrapped him in a tight hug. He must have been excited about their quick win, because he hugged her back, lifting her off of the ground to spin a small circle. 

“What?!” Jasper gasped, shock etched on his face. 

“How the hell did he know that?” Murphy questioned. 

Around the room, everyone was surprised. It was easily the fastest correct answer of the night. 

Setting Clarke down, Bellamy simply shrugged. “I’ve only been a dad for nine days, but I’ve watched Moana five times already.”

“Well, shit, he’s a ringer,” Miller muttered. 

As Raven and Shaw stood up for their turn, Clarke followed Bellamy back to their seat. Somehow, as Clarke sat back on the arm rest, she ended up closer to Bellamy than before, her arm went around the back of his neck purposefully, and her foot wedged under his knee. He didn’t shy away from her, and only leaned closer to her. They had never cuddled like this during their brief fling years ago, but Clarke couldn’t help but enjoy his touch. 

Laughing at Raven’s ridiculous antics, Clarke began to let her mind wander, wondering what it would be like to date Bellamy, to be able to sit this close to him all the time. What it would be like to always be partnered with him for games night, and to be able to hold his hand while they drove home together.

On their third round of competitive charades, Clarke and Bellamy were eliminated after Bellamy ran out of time to guess. As the timer sounded, everyone else yelled out their guesses. 

“White Claw!”

“What the fuck is a White Claw?” Bellamy asked, his hands on his hips. 

An awkward silence echoed around the room, as everyone clued in that Bellamy was genuinely curious. Clarke could see the realization appear on their faces that Bellamy had no idea what it was and  _ why _ he didn’t know. 

“Trust me, you don’t want to know, it’s shit,” Murphy finally answered, breaking the awkward silence. 

“Jas, were you high when you wrote these prompts?” Harper asked, an eyebrow raised. 

Jasper shared a conspiratory grin with Monty. 

“Of course he was,” Emori answered for him, laughing as she leaned against Murphy’s shoulder.

Harper sighed, and then turned to Monty, “And that’s why you weren’t answering my texts last night, right?”

Monty shrugged, feigning innocence, as everyone burst into laughter around the room. 

Relieved, Clarke grinned and nudged Bellamy to return to their spot. Perched on the armrest, Clarke continued to lean close to Bellamy, happy to use the crowded space as an excuse to sit closer to him than she should. 

* * *

* * *

The next few hours passed by in a blur, as Bellamy surrounded himself with his friends' laughter. Jasper and Maya were crowned the reigning champions of charades. Monty queued up a tournament of Mario Kart races on the tv, and everyone took at least once turn to race before the guys took control of the game. 

All things considered, it was one of the more tame games nights that Jasper and Monty had hosted. And Bellamy knew it was for his benefit, to keep from spooking him or making him feel uncomfortable. 

But he had missed this, simply spending time with his friends. He made plans to meet up with Miller and Murphy for lunch the next day, and promised he’d visit Jasper at work in a few days. He shared embarrassing stories of Raven with her new boyfriend Shaw, and Clarke crushed him and Octavia in a game of Uno. But he won a rousing game of Scrabble against Emori, Lincoln, and Harper, re-establishing his undefeated reign from years ago. 

However, it didn’t surprise him when his exhaustion hit hard and fast. Not when he has seen more people tonight than he had throughout the last four years. 

Bellamy was ready to go home, but he couldn’t leave without talking to Clarke as he was her ride home. But he couldn’t talk to her here - he needed air, and a few minutes to breathe. 

Scanning the living room for a familiar head of blonde hair, he found Clarke in the middle of a conversation with Harper. He shifted slightly and Clarke looked up, catching his eye. Subtly he raised a hand to tug his earlobe, and nodded his head toward the back door. 

Bellamy stepped out into the backyard, and hoped she remembered the signal they had joked about earlier. Taking a deep breath, he tried to centre himself, repeating reminders that he was safe and alive, and happy to be with friends. 

A moment later, the door creaked open and Clarke joined him in the yard, leaving the door slightly ajar. She smiled up at him, with only a hint of worry in her eyes. “Hey, what’s up? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just exhausted,” he answered sheepishly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. It was only ten thirty, and normally their games night would continue past midnight. “I mean, it’s great to see everyone again, but it’s a lot.”

“I bet,” Clarke replied, shivering slightly in the cool night breeze. 

A pang of guilt ran through him for asking her to come outside without her coat. The cold didn’t bother him, but he knew Clarke would freeze if they were outside for more than a few minutes. 

“You did really well, being around everyone,” she said, wrapping her arms around herself, trying to keep warm. 

For a single moment, he wondered if he could hold Clarke close to help keep warm. But he pushed the thought away. That wasn’t his place. He’d be better off to make his point and end the conversation so she could go inside.

Bellamy scratched his jaw. “I was hoping to head out now. I can still drive you home, or if you want to stay, that’s fine. I can ask Miller to drive you home.”

Clarke glanced over her shoulder at the back door, where they could see the crowded living room and all their friends through the glass, and paused for a moment. “No, I’ll come with you now. I have to be up early for work tomorrow anyway.” 

His lips quirked up in a small smile, grateful she wanted to come with him. Before he could reply, they heard a shout from the doorway. 

“Hey, Bell! Clarke!” It was Jasper. “What’s taking you guys so long? Please don’t say you’re making out out there.”

Laughter echoed from the living room, and Bellamy purposefully averted his eyes to the sky. Running a hand through his hair, he tried not to think about what kissing Clarke again would be like. Once he gave in to that tempting thought, it would never leave his mind. 

When he finally glanced down, he saw Clarke biting her lip, her cheeks flushed red. She looked every bit as embarrassed as he felt. 

Looking up at him through her lashes, she finally broke the awkward silence. “Come on, let’s go home.”

They quickly said goodbye to their friends, with Bellamy promising once more to meet up with Miller and Murphy for lunch the next day, and went outside to the truck. 

“Did you have fun?” Bellamy asked, as he turned onto the road. 

“Yeah.” Clarke smiled at him. 

If sitting in the driver’s seat was where Bellamy belonged, then Clarke’s spot was next to him in the passenger seat. So much had changed in the last four years, and he had missed so much time, but it was reassuring to know that at least one thing hadn’t changed, and Clarke’s place was still beside him. 

Her voice shook him out of his thoughts. “Did you have a good time?”

Bellamy nodded and felt his face flush as he remembered that she had spent most of the night practically sitting on his lap. It had been tempting fate to be so close to Clarke, but he couldn’t resist her. Just being next to Clarke made everything better. 

“Who knew we’d be so good at charades. I guess we make a pretty good team after all.” She had a small grin on her face, barely visible in the dark truck cab. 

“I guess we do,” he agreed, smiling back at her. “Good thing too, if Julia is going to be anything like Madi as a teenager.” 

Clarke chuckled at that, and replied, “No, Julia’s not allowed to grow up.” 

In the silence that followed, Clarke reached out, and gently squeezed his right hand where it was resting in the middle console. Her touch was reassuring and comforting, all while sending a swooping feeling through his stomach. Bellamy turned his hand under hers, planning to lace his fingers through hers, wanting to keep holding her hand. Wanting to keep her close, anchored to him. 

But she startled at his movement, and her hand quickly retreated back to her lap. 

Focusing back on the road, Bellamy sighed. Maybe he was reading this all wrong. Maybe Clarke had only spent the night half in his lap because there was nowhere else to sit besides the floor. Maybe she kept talking to him and checking in on him because she was a good friend and the mother of his child, with no interest in anything more. 

He had broken Clarke’s heart years ago, so why should she give him another chance? He didn’t deserve her love - not then, and certainly not now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks to everyone for leaving kind words and kudos! you all make me so very happy!


	9. Afraid of Change

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello lovelies! we've officially reached the halfway mark of this fic! I wanted to say thank you once more to each and every one of you! thank you for all the kind words, encouraging comments, kudos, and shares on tumblr! you're the best! 💜
> 
> happy reading! 
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "July" by Noah Cyrus (feat. Leon Bridges)

Feels like a lifetime just tryna get by  
While we're dying inside  
I've done a lot of things wrong  
Loving you being one  
But I can't move on  
You know I, I'm afraid of change  
Guess that's why we stay the same   
**“July” - Noah Cyrus (feat. Leon Bridges)**

Curling one last lock of blonde hair, Clarke looked in the mirror critically, making sure every hair was curled, and her make up flawless. Octavia, Raven, and Harper would expect nothing less for their monthly girls night out. Satisfied, she set down the hot tool, making sure to unplug it and place it far out of Julia’s reach. Grabbing her mascara once again, she touched up her lashes as she heard the knock at the door. 

Julia’s excitement echoed down the hallway, and Clarke could hear the door open as Bellamy, Lincoln, and Octavia let themselves inside. Instead of asking Madi to come over for the night, Bellamy offered to watch Julia for her, though he made it clear he would bring Lincoln along too. Bellamy brushed it off as wanting to spend some time with his new brother-in-law, but Clarke knew that Bellamy wasn’t quite ready to watch Julia on his own yet. She wasn’t sure what was holding him back, as Bellamy stepped into fatherhood naturally and Julia adored him. Either way, Julia was excited to spend the evening with her dad and favourite uncle. 

Taking one last glance in the bathroom mirror, Clarke smiled at her appearance. She might be a single mom, but she knew she was still attractive. Especially when she put in the effort with her curled blonde hair, sleek makeup, and the tight purple dress Octavia had insisted she wear. As the only single lady in their girls night group, Octavia was adamant that Clarke dress her best so they could find her a hot man or woman to dance with. But after the last few weeks, hooking up with a stranger was the last thing on Clarke’s mind. 

Grabbing her black jacket and clutch from her bedroom, Clarke walked down the hall to the living room, her heels clacking noisily against the hardwood floors. 

Octavia catcalled loudly when Clarke stepped into the living room. “Who’s that hot mama,” she teased. 

Fighting to keep the blush from showing on her cheeks, Clarke’s eyes looked around for the one person she wanted to see a reaction from. 

And Bellamy was staring at her with dark eyes. “Wow, you clean up nice, Clarke.” He may have been trying to tease her, as the last time he saw her, she had been covered in spilled yogurt thanks to their daughter. But Bellamy’s voice cracked on her name, eliminating all notion of joking, and becoming dangerously close to revealing something else, something deeper. 

“Mommy, you look so pretty,” Julia called, jumping up from the carpet where she had been wrestling with Uncle Lincoln. 

Clarke kneeled down to reach Julia’s level, a feat made quite difficult in her tight, short dress and high heels. Hugging Julia close, she softly said, “Thanks baby. You’ll be a good girl for your dad tonight?”

The little girl nodded earnestly, her tiny fingers playing with the beads on Clarke’s necklace. 

Smiling, Clarke kissed Julia’s forehead. “Have lots and lots of fun tonight, okay? I love you, baby girl.”

“I love you too, Mommy,” Julia whispered back, reaching her little arms out for one more hug, which Clarke eagerly returned. 

“Alright, jelly-bean, it’s time for your mom and I to go,” Octavia said loudly, like she did everything else. “Keep an eye on your dad and your Uncle Linc for us, okay? They’re lots of trouble,” she smirked, ruffling Julia’s hair, and Julia giggled at her aunt. 

Pulling herself back onto her feet, Clarke caught Bellamy’s eye one last time before she left. “Call if you need anything, okay?”

Bellamy smiled softly, and held out his hands to Julia. She ran over to him and held onto his fingers, spinning herself in circles and laughing as she grew dizzy. “We’ll be fine, Clarke. Go have fun,” he assured her. 

Satisfied that Julia and Bellamy would really be okay, Clarke waved once more and let Octavia drag her outside to the car. 

**…**

It was a short ride over to Sanctum, the only club in Arkadia that they, as mostly self-respecting adults, could tolerate. Inside the building, the heavy beat of the music pulsed in Clarke’s chest as Octavia pulled her through the crowds to a table in the back, where Raven and Harper were already waiting with a round of shots. 

She was greeted with a hug from Harper, while Raven only held out a shot glass. Clarke eagerly accepted the drink, ready to let the night begin. 

“Clarke, that dress is amazing on you!” Harper squealed, already tipsy. 

“See, I knew it’d be perfect.” Octavia caught Clarke’s eye knowingly, and then winked, “Now let’s put it to work and go find you a special someone.” 

After another shot of liquid courage to help her loosen up, Clarke joined her friends on the dance floor. As she moved in time to the beat, and twirled around with Harper, Clarke felt all the worries and stress of the last two weeks start to roll off of her shoulders. Bouncing on her toes, she let go of all the responsibilities weighing her down. 

A few songs in, a handsome blonde man neared their group, and Clarke felt Octavia’s hands on her back, pushing her toward the attractive stranger. The man had a devilish grin, as his eyes obviously traced up and down Clarke’s silhouette and nodded in approval. He held out his hand, reaching for her, not to talk but to steal her for a dance. 

Clarke held her hand out, ready to accept the stranger’s offer to dance like she would on any normal night out, before she quickly retracted her arm. For some reason, tonight she felt a beat of hesitation, as if something was holding her back. A flicker of doubt flashed through her, ruining the buzz of energy she had from the dance floor, and guilt weighed heavy on her mind. 

Instead, Clarke took a step backwards, standing still in the middle of a dancing crowd. Shaking her head, she mouthed ‘sorry’ to the man, and tried to tell her friends she needed a break. Clarke pushed her way through the throngs of people around her and headed to the bar. Her thoughts were running wild now that her earlier buzz was gone, and she needed a drink or three to calm them. 

Finding the quietest relief she could in a loud, busy club, Clarke took a seat at a table in the back, removed from the intensity of the dance floor. She sighed, happy to be out with friends, but her toes were ready for a break from the heels she was wearing. Glancing out at the dance floor, her friends were lost in their own little bubble, bouncing away to the beat of the song. While they were distracted, Clarke fished out her phone from her clutch, checking it for messages. 

There was nothing from Bellamy - which left her feeling both relieved that Julia was okay, and disappointed because she wanted to hear from him. 

Wait, she caught herself - why was she waiting to hear from him? 

Clarke pushed the thought from her head, and opened the one unread message from Lincoln. It was a single picture with no explanation of Bellamy and Julia sitting at the small table in her room having a tea party, laughing at each other. There were teddy bears, and of course Chester the giraffe seated around the table as well. But the best part was both Julia and Bellamy were wearing long beaded necklaces and tiaras. 

Clarke felt her heart burst as she stared at the picture. It was for reasons like  _ this _ that she had hoped Julia would have a father one day. And it was that much sweeter knowing that it was Bellamy who got to be Julia’s dad. 

Right as she was about to save the picture to her phone, the device was pulled out of Clarke’s hands. 

Raven was standing right in front of her, staring down at her, with a questioning eyebrow raised as she glimpsed the picture on the screen. 

“Ah, now I know why you’ve been staring at your phone for so long,” Raven glared, and then tucked Clarke’s phone into her own clutch. “I’m holding on to this for the rest of the night.” 

“What? Rae, no. I need to be able to check on Julia,” Clarke argued back, reaching for her phone back, but knowing full well it was useless to fight against Raven. 

“She’ll be fine.” A troublesome grin crossed Raven’s face. “Let’s make it interesting then. I’ll give your phone back right now if you tell me what’s going on between you and Bellamy,” Raven offered, taking a seat beside Clarke and a slow sip of her drink. 

“What? There’s nothing going on,” Clarke shot back defensively, tightening her grip on her drink. 

Raven raised her eyebrow again. It was Raven-code for  _ ‘I’m not taking any bull-shit from you, so tell me the damn truth right now’ _ , and it was highly effective. 

But Clarke didn’t say anything, fighting to keep all emotion off of her face as she took a sip of her own drink. 

“Oh, come on, Clarke!” Raven called, “There can’t be nothing going on with you two. Bellamy’s always with you or talking about you, and I saw you two at games night. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him, and were practically in his lap. And he was always reaching out to you, touching your leg or your back. There’s gotta be something, so spill!” 

Biting her lip, Clarke looked away from Raven’s stare, shaking her head. She sighed, as she played with the drink in her hands. “That’s the truth, Rae. There’s  _ nothing _ going on.” 

It only broke her heart into a million pieces to say that fact out loud. Because no matter how hard Clarke tried not to, deep down she still had feelings for Bellamy. And having him back in her life, wasn’t helping her move on at all. In fact, her feelings for him were probably growing stronger every time she saw him interact with Julia. Every time Bellamy looked at her and smiled, heat would pool in her stomach and her skin would flush. But everyday Clarke pushed those feelings away, because their life and this whole situation was messed up and dysfunctional. And there was no room for her to be having more-than-friends feelings for Bellamy. Right now, they had to focus on helping him grow his relationship with Julia and re-adjust to normal life. 

“But that’s it, isn’t it? You want  _ something _ to be going on, don’t you?” Raven asked, softly, greatly opposed to the blunt manner with which she had started her line of questioning. 

Glancing back at Raven, Clarke felt her face flush with embarrassment. All the words she had been holding in and ignoring for days began to bubble up to the surface. “Yeah, Raven. If my life was perfect, then sure, I imagine I’d be happily married to Bellamy with our two point five kids, a dog, and a white picket fence.” She shook her head at the ridiculousness of her statement. 

“But everything is so far from perfect and nothing is fair. Why did Bellamy have to lead me on and break my heart years ago? Why did I end up pregnant? And shit, why did he have to be captured, and let us all think that he was dead? It’s all so fucked up, and I hate that I still feel this way about him.” Clarke was close to tears now, and felt Raven’s hand on her arm, trying to comfort her in the noisy club. 

“You’re right, none of this is fair. But Bellamy’s home, and that’s a miracle. So what if there’s a bad history between you two, at least he’s alive and you’re friends. He’s home, which means you have a chance to fix everything else now. I mean, if that’s what you want, to be with him.” 

Shaking her head, Clarke disagreed. “But that’s just it, Rae. He broke my heart and then died. I grieved for him and had his baby. I tried so hard to move on, but it’s impossible, because I see him in Julia. And then, he just shows up out of the blue, miraculously alive after four years, and I’m supposed to let him waltz back into my life. Because he deserves to know Julia and be her father. Yet I have to pretend that I’m happy about it all when I’m barely holding it together.” 

She felt Raven’s arm wrap around her shoulder and she leaned her head on Raven’s shoulder. The tears came freely now, dripping down her cheeks and splashing onto Raven’s lap. 

“Oh, Clarke, I’m so sorry,” Raven murmured. “I had no idea…”

Clarke inhaled sharply and sat up, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. “That’s the point. It’s  _ my _ problem, so I have to deal with it myself. I can’t be worrying or stressing about my feelings when my priority needs to be Julia, and making sure she’s okay and getting used to having her dad around.”

Raven watched her cautiously. “Of course Julia is number one, but Clarke, you can’t keep everything else to yourself. You need to talk to Bellamy.”

“I-I can’t tell him. No,” Clarke shook her head back and forth, her curls bouncing side to side. “He’s already going through so much, coming back home and finding out about Julia and working through his trauma. I can’t give him another problem to worry about. And besides, it’s not worth the risk. What if we started something and it failed? Julia’s just getting used to having a dad in her life, and I can’t ruin that for her.”

“Who says it would fail?” Raven asked, swishing her long ponytail over her shoulder. 

“Raven, just stop. I can’t take that chance. I just can’t. Not right now, and maybe not ever. I need to figure out how to have Bellamy back in my life, as a co-parent and friend, and nothing more. Julia’s too important for anything else to change.”

“Guys, you’re missing all the fun!” Harper interrupted, marching toward them on a mission, with Octavia following close behind. “What were you talking about?” 

“Oh, nothing important,” Clarke said, waving a hand in front of her face and praying that her tears hadn’t smudged her makeup. Hopefully the dim lighting of the club would hide the redness in her eyes and any other trace that she had just been crying. 

“Clarke-” Raven tried to reason, but Clarke shot her a look to shut her up. 

The whole point of girls night was to forget the mess of her life. Which meant that she definitely should not spend the whole evening talking, or even thinking about Bellamy. Raising her glass to her lips, Clarke finished it all at once, letting the bite of the alcohol drown her thoughts. 

“I’m fine. Let’s go dance,” she squealed. Linking her fingers to Harper’s outstretched hand, they joined the crowd, and Clarke was unaware of the look of concern on Raven’s face. 

**…**

It was late. Really late. Clarke could barely keep her eyes open for the drive home, leaning her head heavily on Octavia’s shoulder in the back of their Uber. From the way everything was spinning, Clarke knew she had too much to drink. But alcohol was the only thing that could help her forget her conversation with Raven. So she had kept ordering one drink after another. She had simply needed one night to turn all of her feelings off and forget a certain man with dark eyes and tan skin. 

But that was impossible now as a strong pair of arms held her upright, and she recognized the woodsy scent that belonged to that very same man. Somehow Octavia had managed to get Clarke out from the car and to the house. Bellamy sprang up from the couch where he had been watching tv, and immediately held her steady. 

“I’m fine,” she slurred, trying to take a step forward, but the floor seemed to move beneath her feet and she stumbled. Or, she would have stumbled to the floor if Bellamy wasn’t holding her so close. 

“Easy there, Clarke,” he said softly, sweeping an arm beneath her knees, effortlessly carrying her down the hall. 

She was vaguely aware of hearing Octavia’s voice, explaining to Bellamy and Lincoln that Clarke had been drinking far more than normal. But Clarke was far more focused on the feel of Bellamy’s arms around her, nuzzling her nose into his neck and breathing him in. She was so comfortable and warm, and could feel herself calming down as she listened to the steady rhythmic beat of Bellamy’s heart through his t-shirt. 

Unfortunately, that feeling was fleeting and gone far too soon when Bellamy gently laid her down on top of her bed. 

“I’ll go find water and aspirin. O, help her get changed,” Bellamy said, leaving the room. 

“Oh, Clarkey. What got into you tonight?” Octavia muttered, as she pulled off Clarke’s heels, and unzipped her purple dress. 

“I wanted to turn off my brain. I needed to forget for one night,” Clarke whispered back, as Octavia pulled her arms through an oversize t-shirt. She hadn’t planned on admitting that out loud, but inebriation loosened her lips. 

Frowning, Octavia asked another question. “What did you need to forget?”

Clarke tried to shake her head, but the motion made her dizzy, so she flopped backwards onto her pillow. “I can’t tell you.” Her head was pounding and the room began to spin, so she closed her eyes. 

She felt Octavia tuck the duvet over her bare legs, and heard the door click as Bellamy came back in the room. 

“Clarke, open your eyes, and drink this,” he said softly, kneeling beside her bed. Bellamy’s hand was searing hot on her back as he helped her sit up, and guided the glass to her lips. 

It took all of her effort to focus on swallowing, and managed to drink two thirds of the water, before pushing the glass back into Bellamy’s hands. “You...” she whispered, peering at him through heavy eyes. “I had to drink to forget  _ you _ … that’s why. But I can’t tell anyone, especially Bellamy...” She trailed off as her weary eyes fluttered, struggling to stay open. 

“Clarke, what do you mean?” he asked softly, his fingers warm against her face as he brushed her hair out of her eyes. 

“I just want to sleep…” she groaned, pushing his hands away so she could lay back down on her pillows. 

Clarke closed her eyes again. She heard Octavia’s soft goodnight, and the siblings’ quiet whispers before hearing the light switch flick off and the door close. 

**…**

_ She felt a body lying next to her, warm, and holding her close. Cracking her eyes open, Clarke saw the blue walls and overstuffed bookshelves, letting her know where she was.  _

_ Bellamy’s room. In Bellamy’s bed. In Bellamy’s arms.  _

_ A shiver traced her spine as his nose brushed the back of her neck, awake beside her. He softly kissed her skin, the whisper of his breath raising goosebumps along her arms. He held her tightly in his arms, as if he never wanted to let her go. Her body fit perfectly next to his, the warmth of his skin lighting her on fire.  _

_ It was morning, and she had spent the night in Bellamy’s bed. She hadn’t snuck out, like she normally did. Octavia was away, that’s why, she remembered. They had the house to themselves, so they didn’t need to hide for once.  _

_ Bellamy’s hand began to move, exploring gentle touches along her stomach, tracing the curves under her breast. Closing her eyes again, she let herself get lost in his touch, letting the sparks shoot through her veins as his hands trailed down her body. His legs tangled with hers, his kisses hot along her neck and back and shoulder. He was all around her, the woodsy smell of his body wash surrounding her, overpowering her senses.  _

_ She wanted more, she wanted this, him, all the time. No more hiding in shadows and stolen moments, but to wake up with him everyday, to hold hands in the car, and for their friends to know.  _

_ It may have begun as a fling, stolen moments, hot and heavy with tongues and teeth. But now it was love, it was soft caresses on her skin and tender touches in the morning light. There was no way he could make love to her like that without returning her feelings in full.  _

_ She’d tell him soon, but the countdown was on, with only six days until he’d leave again, taking her heart with him. She should at least tell him he had her heart before he stole it away, across the oceans.  _

_ Spinning in his grasp, Clarke faced him, opening her mouth to speak. Only, he captured her lips in a kiss instead. Kissing Bellamy was an addiction, one she’d indulge in over and over and over again. Once his lips touched her own, all rational thought left her mind, and she kissed him back, touched him back, held him close.  _

_ His weight shifted, covering her body as he kissed her neck greedily. She purred at his touch, letting her own hands explore his muscled back. Eager to follow his lead, they moved as one, enthralled in the moment.  _

Sunlight flicked through the blinds the next morning ripping Clarke from her dream, interrupting her favourite moment. 

It was a familiar dream, a sacred retreat to relive waking up in Bellamy’s arms. One that she played over and over again, wearing the memory thin. But if she couldn’t have him in real life, these dreams would have to suffice, even though she always woke up lonely and sad, aching for his touch. 

But this morning, her exhaustion and grogginess overpowered her emotions. Her mouth was dry, and a headache throbbed at the base of her skull, thanks to her irresponsible drinking last night. Still half asleep, she stretched her arms and reached blindly for the watch on her nightstand to check the time. 

It was almost ten o’clock in the morning. Which meant not only had she slept in, but Julia hadn’t woken her up by climbing into her bed for a cuddle before seven, like most mornings. 

She jolted upright in bed and threw off the blanket, ready to dash down the hallway to check on her daughter. Something must be wrong if Julia wasn’t here. 

But as she opened her bedroom door, she froze at the noise coming from the kitchen. Julia was giggling, and someone was talking to her. A male voice. 

Clarke wrapped her robe around herself quickly and padded down the hall, only to pause at the surprising sight in the kitchen. 

“Hi Mommy! We’re making muffins!” Julia squealed, clapping her flour-covered hands together where she stood on a chair beside the kitchen counter. Bellamy was there, one hand helping Julia stand steady on the chair, and the other mixing something in a bowl. 

“Morning, Clarke. How are you feeling?” he asked, looking up at her with a small smirk flashing across his face. 

Clarke shrugged, using the gesture as an excuse to run her fingers through her hair, hoping her bed head wasn’t completely ridiculous and frizzy. She honestly hadn’t expected to see Bellamy so early this morning in the kitchen, but quickly chastised herself. Because if anyone was going to be in her kitchen entertaining Julia so Clarke could sleep in on a Sunday morning, of course it would be Bellamy. She should have expected it. 

“A lot better actually. Thanks for letting me sleep in,” she admitted gratefully. 

“No problem, it looked like you needed the rest. You were pretty smashed last night,” he smirked again, as he helped Julia stir the muffin batter in the bowl. 

Shooting him a glare, Clarke shuffled to the counter where there was hot coffee waiting for her in the pot. Pouring herself a full mug, she inhaled the scent and took a sip. Okay, she could forgive his smartass comments because this coffee was a godsend.

“Thank you, for the coffee,” she said, watching Julia excitedly add more chocolate chips than the recipe called for. 

Bellamy intercepted and placed the bag of chocolate out of Julia’s reach. “There’s pancakes in the microwave if you’re hungry, or these muffins will be ready in about twenty minutes.”

Clarke’s mouth watered at the word ‘pancakes’, and quickly warmed up her breakfast. Applying a healthy layer of sweet maple syrup, she ate at the kitchen table, watching the adorable domestic scene a few feet away from her. Seeing Julia and Bellamy together, doing something so simple as making chocolate chip muffins and spooning the batter into the pans, confirmed everything she had been wrestling with the night before. 

There was no more need to think things through, her decision was made. 

No matter how Clarke felt about Bellamy, she needed to keep things completely platonic between them. Introducing anything to their relationship besides being friends and figuring out how to co-parent was an enormous risk. And it was a risk she was not willing to take. Not when Julia’s happiness was on the line. 

Clarke couldn’t help but smile to see the streak of white flour across Julia’s cheek as she giggled at her father with whole-hearted adoration. And seeing her daughter so full of joy, Clarke knew she would sacrifice her own heart a million times over just to keep that smile on Julia’s face. 


	10. What You Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter title and lyrics below from "My Girl" by City and Colour
> 
> happy reading!

I wish I could do better by you  
'Cause that's what you deserve  
You sacrifice so much of your life  
In order for this to work  
  
Please, know that I'm yours to keep  
My beautiful girl

**"My Girl" City and Colour**

Clarke’s phone had been buzzing in her pocket for the last five minutes now, the vibrations along her thigh distracting her from the chart in her hands. Out of respect for her patient she was trying to ignore the phone, but when it kept buzzing, Clarke’s mind immediately went to emergencies and worst case scenarios. Rushing through her last few questions, she excused herself and stepped into the hallway to pull her phone out. 

Eight missed calls and a handful of texts from Madi, who was babysitting Julia today. Only, Clarke glanced at the time, it was four o’clock in the afternoon, which meant Bellamy was supposed to be watching Julia now, relieving Madi who needed the night off to work on a group project for school. 

“Madi, hey, what’s going on?” Clarke asked, calling her babysitter back right away.

“Hey, Clarke. Julia’s fine, so don’t worry. I don’t want to bother you at work, but Bellamy isn’t here yet, and I have to leave now or I’ll be late.”

“What do you mean, he’s not there?” Clarke asked, stepping into a quiet alcove. She was in disbelief that Bellamy hadn’t shown up on time. He was always a stickler for punctuality, and considered being fifteen minutes early on time. 

Madi huffed on the phone, “I mean, he was supposed to be here for three-thirty, but he hasn’t shown up yet. I’ve tried calling and texting him, and no answer. I even called Octavia, but she hasn’t heard from him since he left for a therapy appointment at noon.”

Clarke remembered Bellamy had another therapy session that afternoon, which is why he couldn’t watch Julia all day. But he had willingly offered to babysit after his appointment when Madi had asked to leave early for her project, even though it would be the first time he watched Julia without another adult around. 

“Shoot, I’m sorry Mads.” Clarke immediately went into planning mode and offered, “Let me try calling him now, and I’ll see if Octavia can come over…” 

“She’s out of town at her conference, remember? And Lincoln’s at work until seven. I already called them,” Madi interrupted, adjusting all of the plans running through Clarke’s head. 

“Crap. Okay, can you wait another twenty minutes? I’ll leave work early and meet you at home.”

“Yeah, that’ll work. I’m sorry to pull you away from work, Clarke,” Madi said, her tone apologetic. 

“No, Madi, it’s not your fault at all. You did the right thing calling me,” Clarke reiterated, taking a deep, slow breath to calm the anger spiking through her veins. 

Where on earth was Bellamy Blake, and why wasn’t he answering his phone? It wasn’t like him to be so irresponsible, so that must mean something was really wrong, or he was hurt. What if something had happened to him and he was _really_ dead this time? 

But, she tried to reason with herself to avoid complete panic, Bellamy also had a terrible habit of forgetting his phone at home or in the truck, as he was still not used to carrying it around all the time. Maybe he had simply lost track of time? Either way, Clarke hated not knowing where Bellamy was. 

“I’ll be there soon, Madi, I promise.” Clarke ended the call, and dialled Bellamy’s number as she turned down the hallway to find Indra. There was no answer, so she left a worrying message on his voice mail. 

Five minutes later, she was out of the hospital and in her car, speeding down the highway to get to Julia. Luckily, she had been able to convince her boss that it was an emergency, and Indra kindly offered to check in on her patients. Clarke tried calling Bellamy another ten times on her drive home, but as each call went unanswered, and her frustration and worry grew. 

* * *

* * *

Hiking along the trails on Mount Weather, Bellamy kicked at the loose pebbles on the gravel, as he followed the trail loop back to his truck. After being outside in the fresh air, alone in the forest, he was already feeling better than he had been after his therapy session with Diyoza. Sitting at the mountaintop lookout, staring at the bird’s eye view of Arkadia while listening to the silence around him was the real therapy Bellamy needed today. 

Maybe he hadn’t slept enough last night, or maybe he could blame the full moon approaching, but somehow Diyoza had managed to push all of his buttons in their limited time together. She asked him endless questions about his childhood, his decision to serve in the military, his relationships with his sister and Clarke. The last thing he wanted to talk about was his relationship with Clarke. Especially after that night when she had come home drunk, and had voiced those words that haunted his dreams and sleepless nights alike. Her drunken confession admitting that she wanted to forget him - that’s how much he had ruined her life, by leading her on, knocking her up, and abandoning her. So no, he definitely didn’t want to talk about Clarke today, not with Diyoza. 

He tried to give noncommittal one word answers, but every answer he did give seemed to spur on multiple follow up questions that he desperately tried to avoid. But Diyoza saw through his act, and weaseled the truth out of him anyway. Bellamy had watched the clock tick by slowly, feeling his anger and frustration rise with each question, coiling within him like a snake ready to strike.

By the time he left Diyoza’s office and got in his truck, his hands were wound into tight fists, and he felt ready to fight or yell at anyone who stepped in his path. Which was exactly what happened when someone in a little sporty car cut him off on the highway. The surge of aggression activated the tension he felt, only it spurred on the hot-tempered feelings rather than allowing them to fully dissipate. 

Bellamy knew he needed to cool his temper, especially before he spent the rest of his day with Julia. He could forgive himself for yelling at a jackass in a sports car, but it would be unforgivable to let his temper flare in front of his young daughter. 

He took the next exit he saw on the highway, and somehow he wound up at the Mount Weather trailhead. Knowing he had a little over two hours to hike the short path, he locked his phone in the truck, and stepped into the forest, losing himself in the fresh air and isolation. He just needed a few minutes alone, to breathe and take some space away from everything. 

Over the last few years, time meant nothing to Bellamy, except that the concept did theoretically exist. There were no clocks or watches in his cell, and his days were only measured by the earth’s rotation as the sun rose and then set, showing him the galaxy of the night stars each night. His hair grew longer, his body thinner, and every day he added another tick mark to the stone wall. The pattern of his days blended together as he woke up, slaved away on the factory assembly line, and ate whatever meager option was placed in front of him before the night sky returned. 

Now, everything was measured in minutes and hours, days and weeks. It had been three weeks since he had been rescued, and nineteen days since he discovered he was a father. It took five and a half minutes to walk to Clarke’s house, and he spent as many hours as he could with Julia everyday. Time used to be an unmoving concept, but now the hours and days were speeding by. 

Overhead, the kaleidoscope of tree branches starkly contrasted against the dull grey March sky as the parking lot came into view. The lingering cold air snuck under the layers of his coat and sweater, but he didn’t mind the chill. It numbed his thoughts and grounded him in the moment. Bellamy wished he could stay on the trail for another few hours, where he could escape from all his responsibilities and relationships, but he knew it would soon be time to babysit. Clarke was counting on him, and he couldn’t be late. 

Bellamy started his truck and was halfway out of the parking lot before he saw the time on the dash. 

It was 5:37pm. 

His heart sank in his chest, as the gravity of the situation hit him full force.

“Fuck,” he swore, slapping the steering wheel as he slammed on the brakes. He grabbed his phone from the passenger seat, and to his horror, saw over thirty missed calls from Madi, Octavia, Clarke, and even Lincoln, and just as many texts as well. 

Another litany of swears flew from his mouth, and he slapped the steering wheel once more for good measure. _Crap_ , Clarke was going to kill him. 

Knowing he’d rather face this conversation in person, he sent off a quick text to Clarke.

_I’m on my way now - I lost track of time. I’m SO sorry._

The gravel spun under his tires as he pealed out of the parking lot, and sped down the backroads of Arkadia far above the speed limit. He was more worried about letting Clarke down than being pulled over for speeding anyway. 

**…**

Bellamy turned onto Clarke’s street, wondering what her reaction would be. Hopefully understanding. Hopefully she’d forgive him. 

He didn’t have to wonder long, as he saw the blonde outside in her driveway, pacing back and forth in front of the house waiting for him. 

_Shit_ , he was in for it now. 

Clarke’s arms were crossed, and she stared him down as he parked the truck. Her face was emotionless, but her eyes were fiercely angry. He had seen that look many times before, back before they were friends but their paths crossed because of her friendship with Octavia, back when they fought and argued every time they saw each other. Seeing that cold stare on Clarke’s face now, so many years later, sent a shiver of fear down his spine as he exited the vehicle.

“How dare you, Bellamy! How can you be so irresponsible!” she seethed, somehow managing to scream at him all while keeping her voice at regular decibel level to avoid disturbing Julia or the neighbours. 

“I’m so sorry, Clarke. I lost track of time--” he tried to explain, holding his hands out in front of him in surrender. 

“That’s no excuse, Bellamy. You’re a grown ass man, get a fucking watch! Or better yet, keep your damn phone on you, so that we can call you!” she spat at him, pointing an accusatory finger at him. “Do you know how worried we were about you?! Octavia left her conference early to come find you, when you weren’t answering your phone. We thought you were hurt somewhere, or dead - _again_.”

His shoulders slumped, and his eyes darted down the driveway in embarrassment. Bellamy assumed she would be mad about his being late, but it never crossed his mind that Clarke and Octavia would be worried that he had been hurt or worse. It had been so long since someone had cared about him enough to hold him responsible for his actions that he had forgotten what it was like. 

“I’m sorry I made you think that, Clarke, I really am. I’ll call O and clear everything up with her, and you’re right, I should have kept my phone on me…”

“Of course you should have. Bellamy! You’re a parent now, and I get that it’s not an easy thing to manage all the time, and I know it’s only been a few weeks for you. But I need to know that I can count on you. I thought I could trust you with _my_ daughter, but…”

“You can,” he cut her off. He tried to take a few steps toward Clarke, but she raised her arms back up, crossing them in front of her, a barrier of body language signalling him to stop. 

“Clarke, please,” Bellamy pleaded again. “You can trust me. I know I messed up today, and I’m sorry. I promise I’ll do better.”

Clarke bit her lip, and Bellamy knew she was fighting not to say whatever was on her mind, instead carefully preparing her next words. Her chest heaved as she took a deep breath. “Look, Bellamy, I’m glad you’re okay. But yeah, you really messed up today. You’re a parent now, and that comes with responsibility. I need you to be all in, or not at all. I can’t leave work early to cover your ass. I need to be able to trust you with Julia if you want to be in her life.”

Her words cut deep into his heart, because as always, Clarke was right. Soberly, Bellamy nodded and forced himself to keep eye contact. “You’re right, I understand. And I am - I’m all in for Julia. Let me make it up to you.” 

Her blonde ponytail swished from side to side as she shook her head. “No. You don’t have to make anything up to me.” She exhaled and pressed her fingers to her temples as she composed her next thought. “But it’s not just me. You let Julia down today. She was so excited to spend time with you and had a meltdown when I told her you weren’t coming.”

Bellamy took another step forward, but Clarke returned to her cross-armed stance. “Can I go in and see her now?”

Clarke shook her head. “No. I don’t think that’s a good idea, not tonight at least. I may have calmed Julia down, but I’m still mad at you.” She sighed, lowering her voice. Her tone was no longer dripping with anger, instead, she sounded disappointed in him. “I’m not trying to stand in the way of you seeing our daughter, but I don’t want you in my house right now because I need time to think. You should probably do the same. I hope you can understand that. ”

He sighed, feeling the air pass over his lips in defeat as he exhaled. “That’s fair,” he agreed finally. 

Clarke nodded curtly, “I’ll call you later tonight so you can still say goodnight to Julia.”

His heart lifted slightly at the teeny tiny olive branch she extended. “Thank you, I appreciate that.”

Turning on her heel to walk back to the house, Clarke stopped, and turned back to face him, releasing a sigh of exhaustion. “Just make sure you pick up your damn phone this time, okay?”

“I will. I promise,” Bellamy called, even though her words made him feel horrible. He lifted his hand in a slight wave, but Clarke already turned her back to him. 

Ashamed of himself, Bellamy hopped into his truck and drove back home, dialling Octavia’s number in his phone. He hoped his conversation with Octavia wouldn’t be as humiliating as the one he had endured with Clarke. 

He wondered, not for the first time today, if he could blame this day on his lack of sleep or the full moon rising. But he would be delusional to do so, because the fault was entirely his own. He messed up with Clarke, _again_. And now he was paying for it. 

**…**

The next morning, after a long night of tossing and turning, Bellamy sent another apology text to Clarke. It was literally the least he could do, seeing as she was already at work for the day. Last night, he had checked the calendar on his phone that Clarke had generously shared with him, detailing her work schedule and the days designated for daycare, and he realized he wouldn’t be able to see them until later tonight. 

He spent the day wallowing on Octavia’s couch. The TV was playing something, but he wasn’t watching, and he caught himself staring at the pages in his book rather than reading the words. His attention was elsewhere. 

Diyoza had planted a seed of thought in his head yesterday, but it was forming more clearly after yesterday’s events. Having Julia in his life was a gift greater than he deserved, but everytime he saw his daughter’s face, Bellamy felt guilty that he had been absent the last four years. And even worse, that had left the entire parenting burden on Clarke’s shoulders. Sure, Octavia had made sure that Clarke was supported financially, but Bellamy still felt like he owed Clarke a debt he could never repay. 

At his appointment yesterday, Diyoza had encouraged Bellamy once again to brainstorm how he could take action, to find tangible ways that he could ease Clarke’s burden. The obvious answer then had been childcare. And obviously he had fucked that up within a few hours. He needed a different approach now. 

Mulling this thought through his head for the rest of the day, a spark of inspiration finally hit when he stopped by Clarke’s house to take Arlo out for a walk. As he followed the golden retriever along their neighbourhood loop, Bellamy’s thoughts began to take shape, an idea forming in his mind. 

Returning to Clarke’s house, he went inside and rooted through the kitchen junk drawers until he found what he was looking for: a notebook, a pencil, and a measuring tape. Glancing at the clock on the stove, Bellamy noted the time. He had an hour until Clarke was due home, and after yesterday’s brutal exchange, he didn’t want to be an unwelcome surprise. 

Arlo followed him down the stairs to the unfinished basement. Bellamy switched on the light and looked around the mostly empty space. There was a washing machine and dryer, a big chest freezer, and a bunch of storage totes stacked haphazardly in the corner. There was so much potential for this extra space - to add guest bedrooms or a playroom for Julia. Clarke had mentioned her plan to renovate the space eventually, but she had never had the time to hire someone.

He may be new to fatherhood and apt to make mistakes there. But a construction project like this, now that he knew how to do, and he certainly wouldn’t mess this up. Flipping the notebook open to a blank page, Bellamy began to take measurements of the basement and started sketching out his plans. 

**…**

Hours later, after Julia was asleep, Bellamy paced up and down the sidewalk in front of Clarke’s house as he dialled her number. It was dark outside, and even with the streetlights on, it was so cloudy there was no point looking for stars. Instead, his eyes wandered over to the house, where he could see Clarke’s shadow on the curtains as she walked through the living room. 

Finally, Clarke answered his call. 

“Hey, can we talk?” he asked, hoping the impatience he felt wasn’t evident in his voice. This was the longest they had gone without talking or texting since he had come home, and truthfully, he missed her. 

She exhaled, “Yeah, we should talk. But maybe this would be better in person, not over the phone.”

His lips curled up in a smirk. “You’re right. Good thing I’m already here. Can we sit on the porch?”

“Wait, you’re here?” she sounded confused, and two seconds later the curtains in her living room moved as she peeked out. 

Bellamy waved where he stood at the end of the driveway. “I hope that’s okay?”

“Of course, I’ll be right out,” she replied, and ended the call. 

Pocketing his phone, he slowly walked up the driveway and sat down on the front step. A moment later the front door opened, and Clarke stepped outside with Arlo trotting ahead to greet Bellamy. 

Clarke sat down next to him, with a knitted blanket wrapped around her shoulders to fight the evening chill. She was already playing with the frayed edge with her fingers, meaning she was anxious and on edge. 

“I want to apologize again, for yesterday,” Bellamy started, speaking softly. “It was irresponsible of me to leave my phone and lose track of time. I’m sorry I let you and Julia down.”

“Thank you,” she whispered, keeping her eyes focused on the driveway in front of her instead of looking up to meet his gaze. “I know you didn’t do it on purpose. Where did you go anyway?”

Scratching the stubble along his jaw, he admitted, “I was having a rough day, there’s no excuse. After meeting with Diyoza, I wasn’t in the right headspace and knew I needed to calm down before I came to see Julia. I went up to Mount Weather and took a walk to clear my head, and-”

“What’s this?” Clarke interrupted, pulling his right hand away from his face and cradling it in her own hands. Her finger delicately traced over his bruised knuckles and the scraped skin there. 

“Like I said, rough day. I was mad and took it out on a tree,” Bellamy explained. Clarke was still tracing the swollen skin with her soft finger, and her touch felt heavenly. 

“You punched a tree?” she asked in disbelief, finally looking up to meet his eyes. 

He winced, “Not my finest moment.”

“No shit,” she smirked, finally releasing his hand. 

A moment of silence passed, but it wasn’t tense. It was actually rather peaceful, as they both mindlessly watched Arlo sniff and explore the front yard. 

“I get that you’re going to have some days that are harder than others, and that’s completely fine,” Clarke said carefully, playing with the edge of the blanket again. “I’m really sorry I yelled at you yesterday. You scared me though, and I was worried about Julia, and I probably could have handled that better.”

“I forgive you, Clarke. And I feel terrible for letting Julia down.”

“She really missed you, I don’t know if you could tell,” Clarke said, to lighten the mood as she referred to the facetime call he had with Julia earlier that night. 

He chuckled remembering the way Julia had run all through the house with the phone, telling him every single detail of her day at daycare, complete with singing all the songs from circle time at the top of her lungs. 

“You know, we’re all here to help. But you do need to let us know, we’re not mind readers. You should have called yesterday, and we could’ve figured something out.”

“I should’ve, you’re right. And I will next time, I promise,” he replied. “It’s all still so overwhelming at times, being back at home. And the whole, having a daughter thing really threw me for a loop. I really wasn’t expecting that,” he teased, knocking his shoulder against hers, before continuing. “I know I’ll probably mess up again, but I hope you can still trust me.”

“Of course I trust you, Bell. This is all new to you, and being a parent hard. I mean, you should have seen me when Julia was a newborn. I honestly don’t know how we survived that first year.” 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there to help,” he admitted, acknowledging the guilt that sat deep within him. 

“Don’t apologize,” Clarke pleaded. “I know you would have been here if you could. I don’t hold that against you.”

Bellamy nodded, unable to say anything else while he processed her words. He wanted to commit what she said to memory, to remind himself of it every time his guilt threatened to overwhelm him. 

Arlo walked back up the driveway and flopped down at their feet. Bellamy scratched the dog’s ear, happy for the distraction. 

“I know Julia’s supposed to go to daycare tomorrow, but if you wanted to come over and spend the day with her, I think she’d really like that,” Clarke offered. “It’s a long day though, I’m working a twelve-hour shift, so I would understand if that’s too long for you-”

“No, not at all, I’d love too. I’ll be here first thing tomorrow.” His smile stretched wide as he was genuinely excited to spend the day with Julia, and relieved that Clarke had forgiven him. 

“Actually, there was something else I wanted to talk to you about,” he began, and she looked over at him curiously, waiting for him to explain. 

“I need a project, something to do with my hands and fill my days. I can’t look into finding a job until Diyoza and Dr. Santiago clear me anyway, but I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I started the renovations on your basement.”

“What?” Clarke was clearly surprised by his unexpected offer. 

It was all a part of his plan though. If Bellamy offered to renovate her basement as a way to do something for her, to start paying her back for his absence these last four years, she never would accept. But if he framed it in a way that she was doing him the favour, and that this project would help him, Bellamy knew Clarke would say yes in a heartbeat. 

“It’s a simple job, really,” he explained, pulling a piece of paper from his back pocket. It was the sketch he had done earlier that day to show her his plans. “I can get it done while you’re at work, and then I’ll be around to walk Arlo or watch Julia if you need me to.”

“Bell, I mean, this sounds great, but you really don’t have to do this for me. Isn’t there anything else you’d rather do?” 

Bellamy shook his head. “No, I want to do this. Besides, I figure we can set up a spare bedroom down there, so I don’t have to sleep on your couch if O and Lincoln sexile me again.”

Clarke’s head fell back as she laughed. “You’ve thought of everything, haven’t you?”

He bit his lip, contemplating his reply. “Well, you did strongly encourage me to think things through yesterday, so I did,” he teased. 

“Well, then. You have a deal. The house is all yours for this extreme makeover, basement edition.”

And just like that, the balance between them was restored. Bellamy had spent the last day in a terrible mood with a guilty conscience eating away at him. But after one conversation with Clarke, everything seemed back to normal and he felt a hundred pounds lighter with the burden relieved from his shoulders.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoyed the chapter! comments and kudos are much appreciated! 💜or come say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


	11. Taking The Long Way Round

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again! another Friday, another new chapter ! :)
> 
> chapter title & lyrics below from "Whiskey to My Soul" by Roan Ash  
> (and lol, my brain immediately goes "ooh a t100 reference" every time I see the singer's name 🙈)

And oh, you're like whiskey to my soul  
You're home when I got no place to go, oh  
-  
I got a feeling we've been taking the long way round  
Is it just fantasy, honey is it just make believe?  
You're awakening the monsters deep inside of me  
**“Whiskey To My Soul” - Roan Ash**

The next two weeks sped by in a flurry of days that left Bellamy exhausted, but incredibly content with his life. After their conversation on the front step, Bellamy felt that things with Clarke had gone back to normal - or whatever their new normal was. It was an odd mixture of co-parents and friends that seemed slightly dysfunctional on the outside, but it worked for them. At the end of the day, all that mattered was that Clarke trusted him enough to be in her life, and in Julia’s too, and he was grateful for that. 

Most days, Bellamy showed up at Clarke’s house bright and early. Either to babysit Julia for the day, or to see her quickly before she left for daycare. And on the days that Clarke took Julia to work, Bellamy worked hard on the basement renovations. It was satisfying, therapeutic even, to see the fruit of his labour as the project made visible progress. All the framing was complete, and he had finished routing the electrical wiring. Next on the list was setting up the plumbing for the bathroom he was installing, and then he would be able to put up the drywall. It was hard work, and it left his muscles sore and tired at the end of the day, but Bellamy was proud of his accomplishments for the first time in a really long time. 

Bellamy was also delighted with how effortless it was to spend time with Julia. Truthfully, he had been terrified to spend so much time with her one on one while Clarke was at work. Sure, babysitting was nothing new to him after helping raise Octavia, but he felt pressure to not let Clarke down again. 

And despite his fears and insecurities, Bellamy and Julia had grown close. While he once envied Clarke’s close relationship with Julia, he now knew there was nothing to be jealous of. He and Julia had their own special traditions now, like how they always made something in the kitchen together, whether it be muffins or cookies or homemade pizza; or going for drives in the truck where he could watch her laugh in the rearview mirror, and sometimes even taking Arlo for a walk on the trail at Mount Weather where she would run along the path, collecting leaves and sticks for him to carry. 

Every day Bellamy tucked a new special memory of Julia away in his mind. Like the time he ran into one of his old high school teachers at the grocery store and he tried to introduce his daughter, but she shyly clung to his leg, hiding her face away. Or how her little fingers always reached for his when they walked down the street. And that he could always make her giggle by stealing something off of her plate, whether it be a french fry or a carrot stick. 

Plus, things were better with Octavia now too. He and his sister had brunch together, just the two of them each weekend, giving them time to talk. Slowly, they worked on healing their relationship and becoming friends with each other again. When Bellamy was younger, he had once felt like his life had ended when Octavia was born, that the chance to live his own life was stolen in order to continually make sacrifices for his sister. But that was years ago, and they had both loved and lost, lived and learned since then. And Bellamy was growing to appreciate his friendship with his sister more and more. 

All in all, Bellamy had zero complaints about his life. In fact, if someone had told him six weeks ago that his life would look like this, he would have laughed in their face. Six weeks ago, the thought of being rescued and finding freedom again was nothing more than a fanciful wish he made upon the stars each night. 

When Clarke texted him earlier this week, wondering if he might be free to babysit Julia on Saturday night, he easily agreed. It was the night of the big hospital fundraising gala. Since her mom was one of the founders of this event and Clarke worked at the hospital, there was no way she could avoid attending. Apparently she had been counting on Madi to babysit, but the teen’s volleyball team made it to the semi-finals and now had an away game scheduled for that night. 

Which was how Bellamy found himself at Clarke’s house on a Saturday night, watching Moana for the twelfth time with Julia. But he would never complain about that, as he was perfectly content to sit there, with Julia cuddled under his arm as she did her best to sing along with the Disney princess. 

Bellamy looked up from the screen, his attention pulled away by the sound of heels walking along the hardwood floors in the hallway. 

Clarke appeared, looking beautiful, stunning, radiant. There weren’t enough words to describe her. She was absolutely enchanting, dressed in an elegant navy blue dress, with her golden hair shining in the light from the kitchen. 

Bellamy stared at her, at a complete loss for words as he marvelled at the gorgeous woman a few feet away. He had always thought that Clarke was cute and pretty, from the first moment Octavia had brought her new friend home. And Bellamy had once been the one to call her beautiful as his lips tasted her skin. But tonight, she was completely breathtaking. 

She shuffled, fidgeting awkwardly with the silver bracelet on her wrist. “Do I look okay?” Clarke asked, suddenly shy in her own home. 

His head bobbed up and down, stalling for a moment as he tried to find the right words to say. He finally answered, “You- you look beautiful, Clarke.” 

“Mommy, you look like a princess,” Julia said sweetly, climbing up the back of the couch to get a closer look. Bellamy moved to stand next to Julia, one hand protectively on her leg so she wouldn’t fall. 

“Thanks, baby girl,” Clarke smiled at Julia and kissed her daughter’s cheek, leaving a soft lipstick print, which she quickly wiped off with her thumb. 

Clarke looked back up at him, as he leaned against the back of the couch. “Really? It’s not too much?”

“For a fancy hospital gala? No, you look perfect,” he answered honestly, desperately hoping the heat he felt in his cheeks wasn’t visible. Somehow, Clarke still looked nervous, even after his words of reassurance. 

“I mean, you still have time to ditch the event, and hang out with us. But you might be a bit overdressed for movie night,” Bellamy teased, hoping to see her smile. And he was quickly rewarded as a grin flashed across Clarke’s face. 

And then she rolled her eyes at him. “Don’t even joke about that. You know I would much rather stay here with you, but my mom…” she trailed off as her cell phone buzzed, and she looked down to check the text. 

She sighed, “And that’s my date, he’s here.” 

Bellamy’s brow wrinkled. Clarke hadn’t mentioned a date before. He had assumed she would be spending the night with Harper and Monty, who would be there along with her other friends from work. “Wait, who are you going with, again?”

“His name’s Cillian. He’s a doctor from L.A. that my mom knows, somehow.” Clarke answered, as she packed up her phone in her small clutch and looped a shawl over her shoulders. “Mom insisted he couldn’t attend alone, since he’s visiting Arkadia and all, so she set this up. It was easier to agree than to fight her on it.”

That feeling was back, in the pit of his stomach. It made him anxious and gnawed at his insides. He’d felt it before, when Clarke was out for girls’ night, and when Octavia teased her about dates, but never this strongly. Now it was coursing through his veins, and he wanted to reach out to Clarke, to hold her in his arms, and  _ not _ let her out the front door to spend the night with another man. 

Instead, his throat bobbed as he swallowed his feelings, and tried to look happy for her. “Well, I hope you have a great night then.” 

Clarke kissed Julia goodbye again, and surprised him with a quick kiss on the cheek as well, before she exited the front door. 

His hand floated up to his cheek, feeling flushed as he touched the spot where her lips had been seconds ago. The memory of her touch lingered on his skin. 

Jealousy. That’s what it was. Rolling around in the pit of his stomach, and making his chest feel all tight and constricted. 

“Daddy, start the movie again!” Julia ordered, bringing him back to the moment. He settled back into his spot on the couch, with Julia tucked under his arm as she leaned against him, and hit play. 

The characters began to move and sing on the screen once again, but Bellamy wrestled with his own thoughts instead. How could he be this jealous of Clarke going on a blind date with another man? Sure, there had been a connection between them years ago, and Julia’s existence was the proof of that. But it had only been for two months, and that was a lifetime in the past. 

Logically, Bellamy attempted to reason. It made sense for him to be jealous at the thought of Clarke being in a serious relationship, because that would mean an additional adult to co-parent with. And that could mean less time for Bellamy to see Julia. Or even, if Clarke got married, Bellamy would have to compete with another father figure to be in Julia’s life. 

Bellamy tried to convince himself that this was the reason he was feeling jealous tonight, that he wanted to be Julia’s only dad, and Clarke’s date could potentially threaten that status. 

Because the alternative, well, the alternative wasn’t an option. He couldn’t have feelings -  _ romantic feelings _ for Clarke. That was no longer an option for him, a decision he had made years earlier when he rejected Clarke after their summer together. It had been a selfish move on his part, not wanting to be bothered with the hassle of a long distance relationship when he would be thousands of miles away with limited communication for months at a time. 

But that was before he had known Clarke was pregnant with Julia. And it was before he had been captured, and held in a prison labour camp, forced to spend years away from his friends and family. 

He was older now, and wiser thanks to the years that had been stolen and ripped away from him. As awful as his experience was, it had given Bellamy a new perspective on life, one that had him continually grateful for the little things each day. And it was also why he knew without a doubt that Clarke Griffin deserved far better than his sorry ass. 

She deserved the world, the moon, the stars and more. Far more than being tied down to her best friend’s older brother who had led her on, knocked her up, broken her heart, and left her to be a single mom raising their daughter for years while they thought he was dead. It was a cruel and unusual punishment she had endured, that’s for sure. Which was why she wanted to forget him, the hidden truth evident in her drunken confession.

Bellamy sighed, running his fingers through the ends of Julia’s soft curls. He didn’t deserve Clarke’s forgiveness, let alone her willingness to let him be a part of Julia’s life. And the thought that he could ever be worthy of Clarke’s love, well, that was just plain unthinkable. It was impossible, and implausible. 

He spent the rest of the night trying to distract himself from his thoughts. Julia was on her best behaviour, aside from asking for more snacks after dinner. Bellamy obliged and popped a bag of popcorn for them to share, not able to say no to those eyes. He snuggled her close as she grew sleepy near the end of the movie. And once the credits rolled, he tucked her into bed, where she fell asleep halfway through the story he was reading aloud. 

Bellamy kissed his daughter’s forehead goodnight, and ventured back to the living room, where Arlo and his book were waiting. 

He tried to read, but his eyes were merely seeing the words, instead of comprehending them, as he tried to focus. Granted, it was quite difficult trying to turn off his thoughts of Clarke when there were framed photographs of her and Julia scattered throughout the house. Bellamy would read through a sentence, and his eyes would wander around the room until his gaze settled on his beautiful blonde friend, with the breathtaking smile, and the ocean eyes he could drown in. Then he would imagine himself in that picture, attempting to wonder what his life would have been like if he had been around when Julia was younger, and if he hadn’t broken Clarke’s heart. But it was too painful to think about the life he could have known, so Bellamy would tear his gaze away from the picture and try to focus on his book again. Only to repeat the same exhausting pattern with every page. 

He was two chapters in when he heard a strange noise coming from Julia’s room. 

It sounded like whimpering, a subdued, yet painful cry. The noise cracked his heart wide open.

Bellamy threw his book down and raced down the hall to his daughter, to find her crying and shaking while still asleep. 

A nightmare. 

Crouching down beside her bed, Bellamy cradled Julia’s face in his hand, softly stroking her cheek with his thumb. Gently, he urged her to wake up, all while his own heart was shattering, splintering into pieces as he watched his precious daughter in so much pain and fear. 

Her dark eyes were flooded with tears as they finally opened. Julia started to sob and reached out her hands toward him. 

“It’s okay, Jules, I’m here. You’re okay, you’re safe,” he whispered, picking her up in his arms. 

She wound her thin arms tightly around his neck, and pushed her face into his shoulder, as she tried to get as close to him as possible. Her little body was still shaking from the night terror, and he could feel her warm, wet tears on his shoulder. 

Bellamy held her snug as he knelt beside the bed, one hand cradling her head, while the other stroked her back softly, hoping to calm her down. 

He kept whispering to her, reassuring her that she was safe and he would protect her from anything. And that was true - he may have only known his daughter for a few weeks now, but he would do anything in his power to keep her safe and happy. Which was exactly why he felt so damn powerless right now, in this moment where he couldn’t chase away the fear that haunted her dreams. 

Finally, after what seemed like hours had passed, Julia’s breathing began to calm down, and he felt her muscles start to relax and lose their fearful tension. 

“That’s good, Jules. Take nice deep breaths. You’re safe, I promise,” he murmured. 

“Daddy,” she said in a soft whisper, her voice breaking on the word. “I don’t want him to take me.”

Bellamy’s heart leapt in fright. He leaned back, looking into Julia’s eyes. “What happened? Nobody’s going to take you.” 

A fresh tear streamed down her face, as she shakily answered, “The bad man. He took you away, and I don’t want him to take me next.”

_ Oh.  _

Bellamy kissed her forehead softly, wiping Julia’s tears away with his hands. “Julia, look at me. I promise, nobody is going to take you away. Ever. I promise.”

She nodded feebly, not fully understanding his words. He didn’t know how she had formed that idea, that terrifying notion in her head, but he would do everything in his power to let her know that she was safe. 

He pulled her close to his chest, and Julia immediately nuzzled into his neck, burrowing deeper into his grasp. 

“Oh, honey. It’s all a bad dream. There’s no bad man, and I’m here now, and I won’t let anything happen to you. I’m your dad, I’ll keep you safe.” Bellamy stroked Julia’s hair and held her tightly, safely. His words were as much of a comfort for himself as they were for her. 

“What about Mommy?” she asked quietly, her voice muffled by his shirt.

“Your mom? I’ll keep her safe too, I promise.” And that was the truth too. 

He sat there in silence for a few moments, slowly rocking side to side and rubbing Julia’s back. Her breathing began to slow, and he knew she must be almost asleep again. 

“Ready to go back to bed, Jules?” Bellamy asked. 

“No!” she cried, fisting her hands in his shirt to keep him close. 

“No? Why not, sweetheart? You’re safe.”

“I don’t want another scary dream,” she admitted. 

Well that made sense. Instead of pushing her to try falling back to sleep in her room, he offered a different idea. “How about we go sit on the couch for a little bit? We can sit with Arlo, and maybe you can fall asleep there?”

Julia’s head nodded yes against his chest, so Bellamy stood up, still holding her carefully in his arms, and carried her to the living room. 

He turned off most of the lights, so the room was only dimly lit, and settled on the couch. Leaning back against the arm rest, he pulled a throw blanket over Julia, who was snuggled against his chest. Arlo jumped up onto the couch and settled between Bellamy’s legs, his snout resting beside Julia’s leg.

Bellamy continued rubbing her back, and whispering softly to her. He watched her eyelids flutter with exhaustion as her breathing slowed calm and steady with sleep. 

With each rise and fall of her breath, Bellamy wondered how it was fair that his three year old daughter was plagued with nightmares because he had been captured and held prisoner for years. How could the universe be so twisted and terrible, to put an innocent little girl through so much pain?

More than ever, Bellamy was determined to do anything he could to keep Julia safe and happy. And that included keeping Clarke safe as well. He had promised, after all. 

He was only lost in his thoughts for so long, before his own eyelids grew heavy, and he soon drifted off to sleep, joining the toddler and dog in dreamland. 

* * *

* * *

Clarke sighed as the heavy rain continued to fall as the taxi pulled into her driveway. She darted up to the house, trying to dodge the raindrops, but still ending up dripping wet by the time she made it onto the covered porch. 

It was just as well, a fitting ending to a not so great evening out. 

She unlocked the door, and let herself inside, only to freeze at the adorable sight in front of her. Bellamy and Julia were both asleep on the couch, snuggled under her favourite blanket, while Arlo lounged at the foot of the couch. Her great big guard dog barely moved. He only lifted his head to acknowledge Clarke’s arrival, before laying his head back down on Bellamy’s leg, as if to say all was right in his world. 

Trying to be quiet, Clarke hung up her wet shawl, and slipped off her shoes. She should really get Julia back to bed so that Bellamy could go home, and she was more than ready to change out of her dress into comfortable pyjamas. 

Biting her lip, Clarke took a step toward the hall, but cringed as the floorboard creaked. Grimacing, she peered over to the couch, to see if anyone had heard. 

Bellamy’s eyes were fluttering open, and he turned his head to see her. Careful to not jostle Julia, he lifted a hand to rub the sleep out of his eyes. 

“Hey,” Clarke whispered, lifting her hand in a small wave. “Everything okay?”

Bellamy hesitated, and released a deep sigh before speaking softly. “Uh, let me carry Julia back to her bed. You can get changed and then we can talk.”

Raising an eyebrow, Clarke hoped for more of an explanation. But Bellamy was focused on getting up off the couch, moving slowly and carefully so Julia wouldn’t wake up. Their daughter stayed asleep, her head resting on Bellamy’s shoulder as he carried her down the hall. 

Clarke trailed behind them, darting into her room quickly and zipping off the dress and leaving it in a heap on the floor. Hastily, she threw on the first shirt and leggings she could find. Ducking into the bathroom, she pulled her damp hair into a messy bun and wiped the heavy makeup off of her face. 

Julia must have stayed asleep and gone down without a fuss, because Bellamy was already back in the living room, sitting on the couch. His elbows were resting on his knees, and he ran his fingers through his hair. 

He looked stressed and worried. 

Clarke began to fret, and walked a bit faster to join him. What had happened while she was gone? 

Sitting down on the couch beside him, Clarke rested her palm on his back, ignoring how he jumped at her touch, and began tracing soft soothing circles instead. 

“What happened?” she prompted, concern lining her features. 

Bellamy glanced up at her, and she realized his face was pinched with pain. He ducked his head down again, staring at his hands, and then softly answered. “She had a nightmare.”

“A nightmare? Is she okay?” Clarke asked. 

He sighed, and then continued to explain. “She was crying and shaking, and it took a while to calm her down. And then- and then she told me she was scared of the bad man who was going to steal her away.”

In shock, Clarke froze, her hand pausing its motion on his back. 

He looked up at her, meeting her eyes. “She’s scared that the bad man who kept me away is going to come take her next.” 

Gasping, Clarke’s hands flew to her mouth. “Where did she come up with that?”

Bellamy let out a shaky breath. “I have no idea. Maybe she overheard us talking?”

Nodding, Clarke conceded that it might be a possibility. “What did you tell her?”

“That I would never let that happen. I promised I would keep her safe.” He sat up and rubbed his chin, sparing a quick glance toward Clarke. “She made me promise to keep you safe, too.”

A shaky laugh escaped her, and Clarke leaned her head against Bellamy’s shoulder. “I appreciate that.” She took a deep breath to calm herself. “Thank you for being there for her, and for saying all the right things. She’s lucky to have you for a dad.” 

Bellamy stiffened at her words. “Really?” he asked, the confusion on his face evidence that he doubted himself as a father. 

“Of course,” Clarke affirmed, meeting his eyes. “I mean it, Bell. You’re a great father. I know you would give anything to have been able to be here for Julia these past few years. But you’re here  _ now _ , and I’m so happy that she gets to know you and be loved by you.”

For a moment, Clarke wondered if she had said too much, or overstepped some invisible boundary in their tentative co-parenting rulebook. 

But then Bellamy reached for her, pulling her into a tight hug, and held her close. 

Wrapping her own arms around him, Clarke breathed in deeply. There was something about Bellamy that made her feel safe and protected. It was more than the promise he had made earlier to Julia, and it was the same feeling she had felt all those years ago, and again when they reunited at the hospital. There was something about being held in Bellamy’s arms that made her feel at home, as if his embrace was designed specifically to hold her. 

“Thank you,” he whispered, and this time it was his hand rubbing her back. 

Clarke melted into his touch, letting the warmth and comfort linger and leach out all the dampness from the rain and her memories of the gala. Before she could school her thoughts into order, she couldn’t help but wonder once more what life could be like if she and Bellamy were more than just platonic co-parents. If she could know that his embrace was waiting for her at the end of the day, would it make every bad day worth the stress and worry? And would the good days be even sweeter, full of more love and laughter? Bellamy had haunted all of her what-ifs for years, but back then she was certain there could never be a life with him. But now there was a possibility - though it was also a possibility of enormous risk and the potential to rip apart the small happiness they had now. 

“How was the gala?” he asked, releasing Clarke from the hug and sitting back against the couch. Sometime during their hug Arlo had curled up on the empty cushion beside Bellamy, and he moved his hand to softly stroking the dog’s head and ears. 

Clarke sighed, hugging her knees to her chest, and resting her chin on them. “Honestly? I wish I had stayed here with you and Julia.”

“That bad?” he asked, a slight smirk gracing his face. 

She grimaced, and began to tell him about her night. Her blind date, Cillian, had been polite and nice enough to talk to for a little while. It had felt like she was stuck in a vortex, where time was slowed down and the minutes dragged by like pulling teeth. Every time she checked the time on her phone, only a minute or two had passed when she had been convinced it was twenty or thirty. Not to mention, every time she unlocked her phone, she saw no new messages or updates from Bellamy, and couldn’t help but wonder what he and Julia were up to at home. After dancing with a few colleagues at her mother’s insistence, Clarke had faked a headache. She apologized to Cillian and waved goodbye to Monty and Harper. After ignoring the subtle comments from her mother that she could have cancelled the date with Cillian and invited someone else, Clarke had called a cab and headed home. 

Home, she had realized on the drive, was where she wanted to be. Not because the gala was boring or her heels were uncomfortable, but because that’s where Bellamy and Julia were, where her family was. If the situation was flipped, and Bellamy had attended the gala with her as her date, she probably would have had a wonderful time. But Clarke kept this thought to herself, not yet willing to be quite so vulnerable with Bellamy.

“So I take it you won’t be seeing the doctor again?” Bellamy teased, bringing her back to the present moment. 

Clarke rolled her eyes at him. “Uh, no. I don’t know why my mom feels compelled to keep setting me up on these ridiculous blind dates.”

He glanced up, curious, almost silently asking her to explain. 

So she did, playing with the fraying blanket edge as she spoke. “Every few months my mom tries to set me up with someone. Normally I can get out of it by playing the single mom card, and that I can’t find childcare. Though my mom might die if she knew that I just stay at home and have movie nights with Madi after Julia’s asleep.” 

Bellamy laughed, his fingers threading through Arlo’s golden fur as the dog snored softly. 

“She’s worried that I’m going to end up alone, I think. But she doesn’t get that I don’t want to date right now. I’m happy with my life the way it is.”

There was a slight pause, before Bellamy asked in a quiet voice, “I don’t want to pry, but why don’t you want to date?”

“Well, we made it almost two months of you being home before bringing up my dating history, so I guess it’s about time.” She tried to build her confidence by making a joke, and it only helped a little bit. Clarke took a deep breath and explained, “Being a mom is my number one priority. It has to be, and I’m happy with that. I tried dating when she was younger, but it was too hard. Lexa and I were together for almost a year before it became clear that she didn’t like kids. Only I realized that way too late, when she kept wanting me to choose between her and Julia.” 

Clarke chanced a look up at him, and saw he was listening intently. “Obviously I chose our daughter,” she deadpanned.

Bellamy smiled at that, and Clarke felt her heart flutter. How was it that simply seeing him smile, or being able to use the phrase ‘ _ our _ daughter’ elevated her mood in an instant? 

“I learned my lesson, and haven’t dated anyone since. Well, no, if I’m being honest, there’s one nurse from the hospital. We hooked up a few times, but it was nothing serious. And that was months ago,” she rambled. “So yeah, I’d rather be single than introduce someone to Julia and risk things falling apart.”

Arlo’s head was resting in Bellamy’s lap now, and the dog was content with the attention from his owner. It seemed almost therapeutic, the way Bellamy was keeping his hands busy by stroking the dog’s silky fur. 

“You’re a great mom to Julia. Our daughter’s lucky to have you, too,” he said earnestly, after a pause, returning the compliment she had given him earlier. 

Leaning her head against his shoulder again, she whispered, “Thank you.” Clarke tucked the memory of his words into her heart, knowing she would need to remember them to help with the tantrums and sleepless nights, and every time Julia tested her patience. 

Somehow in the next few moments, Clarke must have dozed off and fallen asleep. One minute she remembered sitting next to Bellamy, tucked beside his warm presence, and the next minute she was greeted by morning sunlight streaming through the windows. She was still on the couch, but there was a pillow under her head, and a blanket tucked around her, keeping her warm in the morning chill. 

She must have fallen asleep on his shoulder, and he must have gone home then. But not before making sure she was warm and safe, though she was sore and stiff from sleeping on the couch all night. 

Clarke closed her eyes again, hoping to sneak a few more minutes of sleep before Julia woke up. But as she tugged the blanket closer around herself, she couldn’t help but wish that Bellamy hadn’t left in the night, and wonder what it would be like to wake up next to him again. The memories she had from years before were fleeting and worn out from being constantly replayed in her mind. But was it worth the risk to make new memories with him? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But was it worth the risk to make new memories with him?"
> 
> me @ Clarke: I don't know, Clarke. Is it? IS IT?! Hell yes.


	12. I Need You Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you guys! this fic is officially over 50k words posted and has over 10k hits!! these are two huge milestones for me, and I'm incredibly grateful! 
> 
> hope you enjoy the new chapter! 💜
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "Come Home" by OneRepublic

Everything I can't be   
Is everything you should be   
And that's why I need you here   
**“** **Come Home” - OneRepublic**

“Daddy, can we get these?” Julia asked, holding up a box of cookies, bouncing on her toes in the middle of the aisle. 

Bellamy was grocery shopping with Julia, trying to fill the cart with items actually on Clarke’s list. But every four feet, Julia found something else she wanted to have. And he had to say no over and over again, a feat growing more difficult by the minute. Between his headache and exhaustion, he was already in a terrible mood, and Julia’s relentless begging wasn’t helping at all. 

He sighed, dragging a hand through his hair. “No Jules, not today. Can you put those back on the shelf please?” 

“Daddy, pleeeeeease?” she tried one more time, using her patented puppy dog eyes. She might only be three, but she already knew to use that look to get her way. 

Somehow, Bellamy resisted. “I said no, Julia. You need to listen. We have plenty of snacks at home already.”

He saw Julia’s bottom lip quiver slightly, before forming a full pout. Julia threw the box of cookies on the floor, and balled up her little hands into fists. 

“I hate you, Daddy! You’re the worst dad ever!” she screamed at him. 

His heart imploded at those words. It felt like a knife in the back, or a gunshot to the chest. 

“Jules, I’m sorry. But those are Mom’s rules, okay?” he crouched down in front of his daughter and tried to reason with her. It took every ounce of patience he had left to keep his voice level. 

Julia shook her head, tossing her curls side to side angrily. Her cheeks bloomed red and she yelled, “No! I hate you. I hate you. I wish you never came home.”

Stunned, Bellamy, rocked back on his heels and sat still. He didn’t trust himself to say anything. All of the anger and resentment he had been working through with Diyoza in the last few weeks was quickly steamrolling to the surface, and he felt ready to explode. 

He could feel the heavy gaze of onlookers, other shoppers who had stopped to watch his daughter’s tantrum, and knew he had to do something. It was too crowded. Too loud. Too much pressure. His fingers shook at his sides.

“Okay. Julia. Let’s go home.” 

Abandoning the half full cart in the aisle, Bellamy picked Julia up in his arms. And for the first time since he’d met his daughter, Julia fought against him. 

“No, Daddy! Put me down!” she screamed in his face. Tears began to trickle down her cheeks as she kicked and pounded her fists against his chest. “Daddy, stop!”

Ignoring her, Bellamy marched through the crowded grocery story to the exit, muttering “Sorry” and “Excuse us” to anyone who dared catch his eye. 

Julia was still kicking and crying as he unlocked the truck, and fastened her into the car seat. “Jules, c’mon. We have snacks at home. Please stop kicking, stop screaming.”

“I want Mommy,” she finally said, her voice firm and unforgiving. 

Bellamy exhaled sharply, “She’s at work, Julia.”

“I want Mommy! I don’t want you,” Julia cried out. 

His hands formed into fists at his sides. Carefully, he shut the truck door, ending any semblance of conversation with his daughter. He popped into the driver’s seat for ten seconds, just long enough to crack the windows open in the cab, before exiting the truck again. Leaning against the front bumper, Bellamy pulled out his phone, and scrolled through the contacts. 

Running his hands through his hair, Bellamy tried to even his breathing as the phone began to ring. 

“Hey, it’s me. I, uh, I need help,” he said, his voice ragged and worn. 

It was a short conversation, and then Bellamy began to wait. He lowered the back tailgate and sat on the edge, cradling his head in his hands as defeat crept into his bones. He tried to take a few deep breaths. But Julia’s cries from inside the truck simultaneously tore his heart and grated his nerves. 

He loved his daughter, and he didn’t want to let Clarke down, but being a parent was so  _ fucking _ hard sometimes. 

Ten minutes later, Bellamy saw Miller’s jeep pull into the parking lot and park next to the truck. 

“Hey, man. You okay?” his friend asked. 

Bellamy uncrossed his arms, and admitted, “No.” He sighed, “But that’s why I called you.”

Miller nodded, and didn’t ask any more questions. Which was exactly why Bellamy had called Miller out of all of his friends. Miller only held out his hand for Bellamy’s keys. 

When Bellamy climbed into the passenger seat of his own truck, it was as if he no longer existed. He buckled his seat belt, leaned his head against the cool glass window, and closed his eyes. Bellamy trusted Miller fully, and let himself check out of the present moment as they drove. 

Thankfully, Julia had calmed down and wasn't crying or screaming anymore, now excited to see her Uncle Nay-Nay, as she called Miller. Miller happily obliged his honorary niece, and began the short drive back to Octavia’s house. 

When the truck came to a stop, and the engine shut off, Bellamy didn’t move. His eyes stayed closed, his head plastered against the cool window. 

He heard Miller get out of the truck and help Julia out of her car seat. He heard his daughter ask what was wrong with her daddy. And he heard Miller explain to Julia that Uncle Nay-Nay was going to take care of her that afternoon. 

When he heard the truck doors close, and their voices fade away as they entered the house, Bellamy finally stopped trying to hold himself together. His cheeks felt hot and sticky with tears, and his muscles were itching to explode. 

Julia’s words from the store echoed in his mind, on an endless loop.

_I hate you. You’re the worst. I wish you never came home. I hate you._ _I hate you. I hate you._

Each repetition cut deeper at his heart. 

Somehow he had managed to fuck up the one good thing he had going in his life. Being a dad was supposed to be his second chance at his own life, and now his own daughter hated him. A failure, that’s what he was. 

It was only a few days ago that Bellamy had held Julia in his arms after her nightmare, and promised to keep her safe. It was only a few days ago that his little girl trusted him completely, and turned to him for comfort and shelter from her fears. Clearly that was no longer true. 

_ She’s lucky to have you for a dad. You’re a great father _ . 

The memory of Clarke’s voice echoed through his thoughts. Her words had been the greatest compliment days ago, but now they just served a constant reminder of how much he’d let them both down. 

Curling one hand into a fist, he slammed against the truck door. The physical pain released a small amount of tension. So he hit the door again, and again, and again. 

When his hands finally began to sting and the pain radiated up through his bones, Bellamy wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Taking a deep breath, he left the truck and snuck into his own house. 

Sparring a glance at the living room, he could see Julia on the couch, curled up beside Miller, watching a movie. Miller looked up with concern lining his face, but Bellamy only shook his head and stepped up the stairs. Exhausted, Bellamy shut his bedroom door, and sank into bed. He pulled the blanket over his head, blocking out the daylight, and hoped sleep would wipe away the memories of today. 

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day. 

* * *

* * *

When Clarke checked her phone at the end of her shift, she expected a text from Bellamy. Usually there were more than one, full of pictures of his adventures with Julia and Arlo, or even as simple as asking what she wanted to eat for dinner.

But today, there were only texts from Miller and Octavia.

Instead of coming home to meet Julia and Bellamy at her own house, Clarke went straight to Octavia’s place to find her daughter there. 

Julia was asleep on the couch, snug in between her Auntie O and Uncle Nay-Nay. There was a box of pepperoni pizza with two slices left on the coffee table. Octavia and Miller wore matching expressions of worry under their faint smiles. 

“How is he?” Clarke asked quietly, shrugging off her coat in the entrance way. 

Miller shrugged. “I really don’t know. He didn’t say much when he called, and then when we got to the house, he sat in the truck for a while before coming inside. But he’s been up in his room ever since.”

“And he’s been asleep every time I’ve gone up to check on him,” Octavia added, picking at her fingernail. 

Clarke bit her lip, nodding as she took a seat in a chair next to her friends. “Any idea what happened? To set this off?”

Shaking his head, Miller fidgeted with his hands. “Bellamy didn’t say. But Julia was upset. She thinks she made him sad because she said some mean things to him.”

Intrigued, Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Like what?” It wasn’t like her daughter to be outright mean, but her tempers were often uncontrollable. And Griffins were prone to saying things they didn’t mean in the heat of the moment.

Octavia grimaced, sharing a quick look with Miller. “I think she had a tantrum at the grocery store, and well, Julia said that she told Bell that he was the worst dad ever, and she wished he never came home at all.”

“Fuck.” The swear slipped through her lips before she could stop it, and Clarke retroactively slapped a palm over her mouth, grateful that her daughter was asleep at this moment. Julia’s words were the absolute last thing Bellamy needed to hear. And to be told that, by his own daughter? 

Running a hand through her hair, Clarke sighed, looking to Miller. “Thanks for helping him, and watching Julia all day. I owe you.”

Miller shook his head. “No, you don’t owe me anything. I’m just glad I could help.”

“I offered to drive him home, but he wanted to stay,” Octavia explained. And Clarke was once again reminded how much they all cared about Bellamy. 

Checking the time on his phone, Miller added, “Jacks will be here in a few minutes anyway. We have to pick up my Jeep.”

Clarke nodded and exhaled again. “Can I go up and check on him?” 

Octavia agreed, her soft smile morphing into something more knowing and mischievous, which Clarke quickly ignored. She didn’t have time to worry about what Octavia was thinking when her priorities were to be focused on Bellamy and Julia’s wellbeing. 

As she stood, Clarke squeezed Miller’s shoulder, whispering “Thank you,” once more before stepping up the stairs. 

Clarke took a deep breath, as she climbed. She had no idea what state Bellamy would be in. 

* * *

* * *

Bellamy woke to the soft creak of his bedroom door opening. Still half asleep, he cracked his eyes open, and saw Clarke. The hall light illuminated her golden hair and cast an angelic glow over her. That’s who she was, his angel. 

“Hey,” she whispered softly, closing the door behind her. His room grew dark again, dimly lit with a nearby streetlight. She took two steps to the bed, and sat down on the edge, only inches away from him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up.”

Bellamy yawned. “It’s okay.” His eyes fell shut again, but he murmured, “I’m sorry about today.”

He felt Clarke’s hand brush over his own. Her skin was cool against his, but the spark of her touch sent fire through him. “Oh, Bell. No. You did the right thing, calling Miller. I’m proud of you for asking for help.”

Bellamy hummed in acknowledgement of her words. Though half asleep, simply knowing that Clarke wasn’t mad at him elevated his mood tenfold. 

“I’m sorry Julia said those things to you. Octavia says she feels terrible, and wants to apologize once you’re both awake,” she added, softly stroking his knuckles. Her touch felt heavenly on the bruised and swollen flesh left from his fight with the car door. 

“S’okay,” he managed to whisper, his words half muffled by the pillow. 

“I should go, and let you sleep,” Clarke said, and the mattress shifted as she stood up. 

Reaching an arm out, he caught her hand in his. “Stay? For a few more minutes?”

Tucking her blonde hair behind her ear, she smiled softly. “Okay, yeah, I’ll stay.”

She sat back down on the bed, even closer to him this time. Her hand fell to his head, and her fingers gently played with his hair. When her nails tenderly scratched his scalp, Bellamy sighed peacefully. 

Clarke was here, and he knew everything would be okay. She wasn’t mad at him, and crazier still, she was proud of him. 

Clarke would help him fix things with Julia, and everything would be okay again. 

Lost in the calming lull of her touch, Bellamy slowly fell back into a deep, restful sleep. 

**...**

When Bellamy woke the next morning, Clarke was gone. But his bed wasn’t empty. 

He had no idea when Clarke had made this happen, but somehow Arlo was sprawled out on the bed next to Bellamy. 

He didn’t want to get out of bed, and he didn’t want to face the world, his sister or his daughter. But Bellamy reached out to pet Arlo’s head, and took solace in the fact that he wasn’t alone. 

Burying his face in the dog’s soft fur, Bellamy thanked his lucky stars once again for the wonder that was Clarke Griffin. 

He only left his room later that afternoon when Arlo finally whined to be let outside. Bellamy sat on the back deck, on the steps where he had sat with Clarke only two months ago, and tried to let the fresh air heal his weary soul. 

Arlo zigzagged back and forth throughout the backyard, over the grass that was beginning to regrow and turn green again. There was a small hope in that sight, that things once dead could come back to life. Like the grass, he had survived the worst of the winter, and maybe, eventually, he could learn to thrive once more. 

Inside, Bellamy finally picked up his phone. Ignoring the rest of the messages from his friends and Octavia, he opened the conversation thread from Clarke. There was one new message:

_ Hey, Bell, hope you liked your four-legged surprise! Feel better soon, and Julia and I will be here when you’re ready to see us. She’s very sorry she upset you - she drew this for you, and wanted me to send it, so I hope it makes you smile.  _

Attached was an image of a picture Julia had drawn. Three crayon stick figures stood in the middle of the page, labelled ‘MOMMY’, ‘DADDY’, and ‘ME’ in blocky letters with a backwards ‘E’. By their feet sat a dog that Clarke had clearly helped Julia draw. Over their heads, Julia had written  _ “I LOVE YOU DADDY!” _ with another backwards ‘E’, and surrounded the message with misshapen hearts and smiley faces. 

Bellamy stared at the image on his phone, and slowly a small smile began to cross his face. He couldn’t let one bad day ruin the rest. After texting Diyoza to schedule an extra session, he gave himself permission to take the rest of the day off, resolving to get out of bed the next day. He had a dog to return and a daughter to hug. 

**…**

The following day, Bellamy heard his girls before he saw them, their giggles echoing down the street with the morning breeze. 

Julia and Madi were drawing hopscotch squares on the driveway with colourful chalk, while Clarke sat on the front steps with a mug of steaming coffee in her hands, laughing along with them.

Arlo ran ahead of him, eager to greet the girls. Madi spotted him first, and gently nudged Julia. “Look who’s here!”

“Daddy!” Julia squealed, dropping her chalk, running as fast as her little legs could carry her toward him. 

Bellamy leaned down to catch her, gathering Julia up in a tight hug. Her arms wrapped firmly around his neck, squeezing him so tight he had difficulty breathing. 

“Hi, sweet girl,” he whispered in her ear, kissing the side of her head. 

Julia loosened her grip, leaning back to see his face. “Daddy, I’m sorry I was mean. I’m so sorry I made you feel sad.” 

His hand dwarfed her face as he cupped Julia’s cheek. “Thank you for apologizing, and for your picture.”

Bellamy kissed Julia’s hair one more time before the young girl wiggled to be put down on the driveway again. Hand in hand, she led him closer to their masterpiece. 

“Daddy, look what we’re drawing!” Julia cheered, dropping his hand in exchange for a piece of green chalk. 

“It looks great,” he answered, taking a better look. “Hey Mads, how are you?”

Madi sprang to her feet, wild with excitement. “Great! Guess what, Bellamy?!”

He stayed quiet to let her answer. 

“I got an A+ on my history test!” Madi exclaimed.

Bellamy had spent a few hours helping Madi study for that test last week. She had thought she was going to fail, after not understanding her teacher’s lessons in class. But the two of them had combed through her history textbook for hours at Clarke’s kitchen counter, until Madi knew the material by heart. 

“Really? That’s awesome, Mads!” he cheered for her. “You worked so hard for that, I’m so proud of you.”

Quick as lightning, Madi flung her arms around Bellamy, hugging him tightly. It surprised him at first, but if Madi felt even a fraction of how he had felt when Clarke said she was proud of him, her gesture made sense. And then he wondered if anyone, besides Clarke, had ever told Madi they were proud of her. Bellamy hugged Madi back, and over the teen’s shoulder, he saw Clarke’s wide smile from the porch steps. 

“Daddy, can you play with us?” Julia asked, kneeling on the driveway, staining her jeans with blue and pink chalk. 

Bellamy smiled softly. “In a little bit, okay? I have to talk to your mom first.”

He squeezed Madi’s shoulder once more, and ruffled Julia’s ponytail before closing the distance between him and Clarke. 

“Hey stranger,” she said affectionately, as he sat next to her on the front steps. “Want some coffee?”

There was no doubt that she had a mostly full pot of coffee waiting inside, but he didn’t need more caffeine. 

“Nah, I’m fine. I wanted to apologize again, for everything. And say thank you, for Arlo, and well, everything.” Bellamy ducked his head down, hating how vulnerable he felt in the moment. 

A soft touch to his elbow caught his attention. It was Clarke’s hand, reaching out to him. 

“Hey, you’re welcome. I’m glad having the dog around helped.”

“It was more than just Arlo, Clarke,” he admitted. “It was you, checking in on me, sending me that picture from Jules, and not being mad about what happened.”

“Why did you think I’d be mad?”

“Because I let you down. Again,” he said, giving voice to his insecurities.

“That’s not true,” she retorted firmly. “I meant it when I said I was proud of you, for asking for help. That can’t have been easy for you.”

Bellamy sat in silence for a moment, processing Clarke’s words. He watched Julia and Madi trace out more lines on the driveway. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Clarke began, her words delicate as she treaded carefully. “But if you want to talk about what happened, I’m here for you.” 

He sighed. He really didn’t want to revisit those thoughts and memories. But the fear of being thrust back into those moments in his nightmares overshadowed his fears of talking to Clarke. The memories didn’t hurt as much when he shared them with other people, he was finding. 

“I wasn’t in the greatest place to begin with, that morning at the grocery store,” he began, speaking softly as he kept his eyes focused on the girls giggling. Clarke stayed silent beside him, encouraging him to speak as she sipped her coffee.

“I barely slept the night before, and after hours of staring at the ceiling, I decided to go for a drive, because it was too early to take Arlo for a walk. So I drove all through Arkadia, up by Mount Weather and past the Green’s farm, and even down along the river.”

That caught Clarke’s attention, and she watched him carefully. 

“I hadn’t driven past it yet, the cemetery. And I was curious,” he admitted. 

“Oh, Bell,” Clarke murmured, gently leaning her shoulder against his.

“And before I knew it, I was standing in front of a gravestone with my name on it.” Bellamy sighed. “It was stupid, I know. Masochistic, even. But it made everything feel real, weirdly. That for years, everyone I love thought I was d-,” he swallowed, “Gone.”

Silence lingered between them for a moment, until Clarke slowly exhaled. 

“I can’t blame you for being curious. But I can be mad at you for doing something so stupid all alone.” She punched his knee lightly - it didn’t hurt, but it got her frustration across. 

“I know, I-” he began, but she quickly cut him off.

“You don’t have to apologize. But next time you do something stupid like that, you call me first, and we’ll go together, okay?”

Bellamy swallowed. “Okay,” he agreed, unable to say no to her. And because he remembered that he hadn’t wanted to be alone then, when he had been standing in the quiet cemetery, seeing his name etched in stone in the misty early morning. He had wanted Clarke beside him. 

“Great, what do you want to do today?” Clarke asked, moving past the heaviness. “Julia and I are meeting my mom for lunch later. Want to come along?” 

He thought for a moment. His appointment with Diyoza wasn’t until later that afternoon, and after missing out on two days with Julia, he wanted to spend more time with his daughter. Plus, he’d never say no to spending time with Clarke. “I’d love to, I mean, if it’s okay with your mom.”

Grinning, Clarke smoothed her hair behind her ear. “Excellent! My mom’ll love to see you, and Julia will be thrilled too.”

“Just Julia,” he teased, surprising himself with the confidence in his voice. 

Rolling her eyes at him, Clarke admitted, “Okay, fine. I missed you too.” 

Bellamy smiled widely at her response. He had missed her too. A lot. More than he should. 

Clarke knocked her shoulder against his again, “Now go play hopscotch with the girls before they ask me to come play with them and I fall on my face. I haven’t had enough coffee to be that coordinated yet.”

Shaking his head at her, Bellamy stood up anyway. But after a few steps, he called over his shoulder, teasing once more, “How did you even become a doctor, with your lack of coordination.”

Her reply was a quiet giggle and a pinecone thrown at his back. 

Bellamy couldn’t help but laugh as he joined Julia and Madi on the driveway. 

**...**

“Mommy, I have to pee,” Julia said quietly, pulling on Clarke’s sleeve. 

“Okay, baby, let’s go,” Clarke answered, getting up out of her chair to walk hand in hand with Julia to the back of the restaurant. 

And Bellamy found himself sitting alone at the table with Abby. So far, lunch had been more fun than Bellamy was expecting, especially with Julia being the centre of attention and keeping the table lively. He’d been content to simply sit back and observe, watching his family laugh and share stories. 

But now, as Abby turned her maternal gaze on him, he was unsure what to say. 

“Enjoying your meal?” Abby asked, breaking the silence for him. 

“Yeah, it’s great,” Bellamy answered, and wished he was a better conversationalist. 

“I’m glad you came along today, with Clarke and Julia. I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to see you and Julia together.” 

Ducking his head to hide his blush, Bellamy couldn’t contain the smile on his face at Abby’s kind words. 

“I’m serious,” Abby reassured. “Believe me, I love my granddaughter, but she has never been as happy as she has been these last two months, having you in her life. Every time I see her, all she can talk about is her dad, and what you two did together that day.” 

“We have a lot of fun together,” Bellamy agreed, smiling fondly at the wonderful memories he held with Julia. 

“Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen Clarke this light in a long time as well. She’s happy.” Abby added with a curious twinkle in her eye. 

“Yeah? I’ve been helping her out with Julia and Arlo, and the house as much as I can.” He exhaled, and continued, “I feel like she had to do so much for Julia these past few years, and I want to help with that burden and give her back some time.”

Abby smiled kindly at him. “I know she appreciates everything you do. I do too. I worry about her a lot. But I worry less now that you’re there with them. As her mother, it means the world to me to know that Clarke has someone as devoted to Julia as she is there for her.”

Laying a hand on his forearm, Abby squeezed gently, motherly. 

“And, I want you to know that I think you’re doing a great job. I know it’s still new, but you’re an amazing father, and I know it won’t always be easy, and there may be some days that will be harder than others, but that’s all part of being a parent. I’m proud of you, for all you’re overcoming.”

Bellamy’s heart threatened to burst at the compliment. He’d heard those words before - from his sister, from Diyoza, and even from Clarke herself. But hearing these words from Abby Griffin, the woman who disliked Clarke’s friendship with the Blake’s years ago, and now the grandmother of his child - these words held weight. Enough weight that he might start to believe that it was true. 

“Thank you,” Bellamy managed to say, his eyes growing watery with tears that threatened to spill down his cheeks when Abby squeezed his arm once more. 

Luckily, the sound of footsteps approaching announced the return of Clarke and Julia. 

“Daddy, up,” Julia whined, tired after her meal. She lifted her arms up to Bellamy, and he effortlessly lifted her onto his lap. She settled comfortably against his chest, his arm wrapping around her waist to hold her steady. 

“Everything okay, here?” Clarke asked, sitting down, and glancing between her mother and Bellamy. 

Bellamy answered with a smile, “Yeah, everything’s great.”

And it was the truth, everything really was great. 

He wasn’t kidding himself - Bellamy knew there would still be plenty of difficult days ahead, but today proved that he could survive the bad days. If even the once-stoic Abby Griffin could be proud of him, and Clarke and Julia could forgive him, there was nothing that could hold him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes, I know it seems like it's always two steps forward and one step back with these two - but, I promise things start to pick up in the next few chapters. They are some of my favourite chapters, and I can't wait to share them!


	13. What Would I Do Without You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, hey, surprise! here's a new chapter a few days early!!
> 
> the last chapter was a little bit of downer, so hopefully the extra chapter cheers you up! 💜
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "What Would I Do Without You" by Drew Holcomb & the Neighbours - and I dare you to listen to it (after reading this chapter) without crying or feeling the feels, I dare you

Sometimes I wake up with the sadness  
Other days it feels like madness  
Oh, what would I do without you?  
When colours turn to shades of grey  
With the weight of the world at the end of the day  
Oh, what would I do without you?

A decade goes by without a warning  
And there’s still a kindness in your eyes  
Amidst the questions and the worries  
A peace of mind, always takes me by surprise

**“What Would I Do Without You” - Drew Holcomb & the Neighbours**

They had fallen into an easy rhythm, working together as a peaceful yet dysfunctional family unit. Clarke’s days off work used to be full of endless to-do lists and wishing there were more hours in a day to get everything done. Working full time and being a single mom to a toddler had meant she had all of five minutes to herself each week, and that was usually because she was avoiding folding the laundry. 

But everything seemed to become so much easier since Bellamy returned. He had ingrained himself in her and Julia’s lives seamlessly, and well, now Clarke was quite used to having him around. 

Today was Clarke’s day off work, and Bellamy had run off to the hardware store for extra supplies for his basement renovation project, and he had taken Julia along for the ride. Which meant that Clarke now had a free morning, a miraculous twist of fate that left her alone at home on her day off, with no long list of chores to complete. For the first time in forever, she had the chance to simply sit and drink her coffee. 

Sighing peacefully, Clarke held the warm mug in her palms while Arlo snoozed by her feet. A moment of reflection reminded her that she hadn’t felt this peaceful in a long, long time. Definitely not since that moment years ago, when Octavia got the devastating call that changed their lives forever. 

Looking out the front window she could see tiny buds beginning to form on the maple tree in the yard, a telltale sign that the worst of the winter had passed and spring was here to stay. The season of fresh starts and new growth wasn’t only blooming outside, but within her little family as well.

The days were getting warmer and longer, and she was looking forward to another summer with her daughter. Only this time, it would include Bellamy. He was already making plans with Julia, to camp in a tent in the backyard, to roast marshmallows over the fire, to set up a sprinkler in the yard, and maybe even go fishing at the lake. 

Not for the first time that morning, or even in the last five minutes, Clarke was overwhelmed with how grateful and astonished she was that Bellamy was home and a part of their family. Julia had never been happier, and even Madi looked up to him more and more, especially when he helped with her homework.

It was a pseudo-family unit Clarke had never seen before. She certainly hadn’t experienced this when she was growing up, with her workaholic parents. And she knew for a fact that neither had Bellamy, as he’d been forced to take responsibility for his sister at such a young age. If anyone were to watch them now, from the outside looking in, they would assume that Clarke and Bellamy were a happily married couple, with two daughters, Julia and Madi, living in a suburban bungalow with a dog. No white picket fences, but close enough, right? 

Only, the glaringly obvious truth was, she and Bellamy were _not_ a happily married couple. Instead, they were best friends raising their child together. Or, _platonic co-parents_ , a phrase that Clarke began to hate and loathe the more she said it in conversation to Octavia, to her mother, to her coworkers. But lately, it was getting easier to pretend that things were less platonic between them. As the days went by, it sometimes felt like less of a charade playing house, and more like this could be real life for them both. 

It was the little things, like when Bellamy was cooking dinner in the kitchen, he would quickly touch her lower back as he walked past her to get something out of the refrigerator. Or she would come home from work to find all of the laundry she had been avoiding washed, dried, and neatly folded in a basket on her bed. Sometimes he would kiss Clarke’s forehead or cheek as he said goodbye and left for the night. They would laugh with and tease each other, just like old times, and sometimes it felt far too much like flirting, but she truly didn’t mind. 

And when Bellamy would cuddle with Julia, holding her close on the couch while watching movies or on the toddler’s bed while reading bedtime stories, he would always pat the space beside him, an open invitation for Clarke to join. And when she did, Bellamy’s arm would easily wrap around her shoulders and pull her close, as if she belonged right there. She would lean her head on his chest, close her eyes and take a deep breath, enjoying the teeny tiny moments of domestic bliss that were offered. 

And later, at the end of the day, when she laid alone in her bed, she would wonder what it would be like if they weren’t pretending at all. What would it be like if they were a family for real and Bellamy lived with them all the time, and fell asleep next to her, and kissed her-

 _Stop it_ , Clarke told herself, ruling her thoughts into line as Bellamy’s truck pulled back into the driveway. She watched him help Julia out of the truck, and throw his head back in laughter at something their daughter said. He was beautiful like this, when he was carefree and full of joy. It was her favourite Bellamy and she counted herself lucky to witness his smile on a daily basis-

 _For real, stop it!_ Clarke warned herself once more. Shaking her head, she willed all of her thoughts back into obedience, as if she could shake her thoughts and feelings for Bellamy right out of her brain. She brought her empty coffee mug over to the dishwasher, and was mulling her to-do list over - albeit it was quite short thanks to Bellamy’s help around the house - when he and Julia came back inside. 

“Guess what, Mommy?” Julia squealed, dancing out of her shoes and coat, leaving them for Bellamy to put away, which he did without complaint. 

“What’s up, hon?” Clarke answered, lifting Julia up into her arms for a hug. Her little girl was growing up so fast, she wouldn’t be able to pick her up like this for much longer. 

But Julia squirmed to be put down, and hopped back over to Bellamy, who was holding a few plastic bags in his hand. 

“Look what we got for Arlo!” she said gleefully, as Bellamy helped her pull a toy out of one of the bags. It was some sort of catapult apparatus for flinging tennis balls. 

“Daddy says it’ll make the balls go really really far and Arlo can chase them!” She was bouncing up and down, and running circles around her parents in excitement. “And Daddy said we can go to the park. Can we go? Please, Mommy? Please?!” 

Shaking her head with laughter, Clarke couldn’t help but sneak a smile at Bellamy who had a matching grin on his face. “Sure, Jules. Let’s have some lunch first, and then we can go, okay?”

Julia danced around the kitchen in excitement, with Arlo following closely as he caught up with the excitement in the room. 

“You know we don’t need more toys in this house, right?” Clarke teased Bellamy, elbowing him as he stepped closer. 

“I know, but I couldn’t resist.” He smirked, and folded his arms across his chest. “You know it’s impossible to say no to those puppy dog eyes.”

It took all of Clarke’s willpower to not stare at his impressive biceps. All of his hard work on the renovations had quickly brought him back in shape - not that she was paying attention that closely, but she really couldn’t help but notice. 

Instead she rolled her eyes. “She’s got you wrapped around her finger. I called it, remember, from the first day?” Clarke watched for his reaction over her shoulder as she began to walk to the kitchen to prepare lunch. 

“You sure did. You Griffin girls are a force to be reckoned with,” he agreed, stepping beside her at the counter where she had lined up the ingredients to make grilled cheese sandwiches. He stood close enough that his elbow knocked hers as he reached for the cheese. 

Clarke bumped her hip against his, and countered, “I’m pretty sure Julia’s a Blake, at least that’s what I put on her birth certificate. But hey, I’ll take the compliment.” 

Bellamy didn’t reply. As she spread butter on the bread, Clarke looked up at him, accidentally knocking his elbow once again. But she was relieved to find him smiling proudly, a fond expression on his face as he glanced down at her. Electricity sparked through her veins as their eyes connected, and she realized how close together they were standing. She jumped and dropped the knife, and it clattered on the counter. 

“Umm, can you get started on these?” she asked, suddenly shy as she gestured to the sandwiches. “I forgot I need to- to find a shirt I borrowed from O, she asked for it back. I should go find it now.” 

Clarke excused herself from the kitchen and stepped quickly down the hall into her room. Shutting her bedroom door, she leaned back against it, letting it support her weight as she tangled her fingers in her hair. Her pulse was racing and she felt heated - she felt like she was sixteen again, crushing on Bellamy when she was at the Blake’s house with Octavia. She felt like she was back in the Blake’s kitchen, at the start of that summer years ago, when he’d touched her waist, igniting the flame that burned all summer long. 

All of this because Bellamy had teased her, touched her elbow, and looked at her with those dark eyes. 

Fanning her face with her hands, Clarke tried to cool herself down and get rid of the rising flush on her face. But it was no use. This was so much more than a stupid high school crush. So much more than a summer fling. She couldn’t deny it or push the feelings away any longer. 

She was in love with Bellamy Blake. 

In fact, she probably had never stopped loving him, even though he had broken her heart. Despite believing he was dead and gone for years, she still loved him. 

And now? Now Bellamy was standing in Clarke’s kitchen, making her lunch, and planning to spend the rest of the day with her and their daughter. 

How on earth was she supposed to act normal around him now? A groan escaped her lips, and Clarke flopped down on her bed, burying her face into the soft duvet cover. 

She was one hundred percent in love with her platonic best friend slash father of her daughter who had already broken her heart once, and he was certainly going to be in her life every single day for the foreseeable future. 

In other words, she was screwed. 

**…**

She must be a better actress than she thought. Clarke smiled to herself, tucking her hands in her coat pockets as they walked through the grassy fields of the park. Somehow she had made it through lunch without accidentally revealing to Bellamy that she was head over heels in love with him. It certainly helped having Julia in the room when Clarke could focus all of her thoughts and energy on her daughter, instead of the other feelings that threatened to bubble up and overwhelm her. 

Chewing on the inside of her lip, she tried not to stare at the sight in front of her, but it was a useless fight. Clarke already knew she would commit this moment to memory to play in the highlight reel she visited each night as she tried to fall asleep. In the field ahead of her, Bellamy was crouched down beside Julia, showing her how to use the tennis ball flinging contraption they had bought. Bellamy and Julia both wore happy smiles, and the slight breeze rustled their matching dark curls. 

Julia squealed in delight as Bellamy sent the first ball flying across the empty grass and Arlo took off in a golden blur to chase down and retrieve the ball. 

“Again! Again!” Julia cheered, and Bellamy showed her how to throw the ball for Arlo. And to her delight, Arlo was just as eager to chase the tennis ball across the field again and again and again. 

Once Arlo and Julia had tired out, they all piled back into Bellamy’s truck and he drove them home. 

While Clarke prided herself on surviving this much time with Bellamy after her big realization that day, she was eager to have a quiet evening alone with her thoughts. And wine, she mentally added. Wine and a hot bubble bath would definitely help. 

Except, it seemed like Bellamy wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye for the day, as he helped Julia out of her car seat. He brought up the idea of having a movie night and ordering pizza for dinner, and once the words were out of his mouth, Julia was captivated. There was no way Clarke could say no to that little face, or to Bellamy’s face for that matter. 

So an hour later Clarke found herself squished on the couch with Bellamy and Julia, watching Bellamy sneak pieces of pepperoni off of Julia’s pizza while she was too busy watching Toy Story. 

Clarke laughed at him, but his eyes were twinkling with the tv reflection as he shushed her and quietly stole another piece of pepperoni, popping it into his mouth with a smirk. 

She bit her lip to contain her giggles, and shook her head at him. He was ridiculous, and it brought back memories of him doing the exact same thing to Octavia years ago when they were still in high school. 

Bellamy caught her watching him, and he winked. He leaned back against the couch and lifted his arm to rest along the back of the cushions, brushing the back of her neck as he did so. 

It was only natural for Clarke to lean closer to him, as if there were a magnetic pull. Julia was sprawled across both of their laps and Clarke rested her head against Bellamy’s shoulder. 

And this quickly became another one of those moments, where Clarke could pretend they were a real family and not just playing house. She could pretend that she wasn’t the only one feeling sparks every time Bellamy’s fingers brushed her shoulder as he played with the ends of her hair. She could pretend that Bellamy wouldn’t have to leave her at the end of the night with a goodbye kiss on the forehead, but that he would kiss her for real and they would fall asleep next to each other. 

She lived in her beautiful daydream for the next thirty minutes, until the credits rolled on the screen, and Clarke was brought back to reality. 

* * *

* * *

Bellamy was well aware of what he was doing, only he didn’t care enough to make himself stop. He knew he was overstepping boundaries, buying extra toys for Julia and Arlo, inviting himself over for dinner, and not being able to keep his hands to himself during the movie. Clarke hadn’t asked him to stop or to go home, so he had stayed to watch the movie. And still hadn’t left now, completely overstaying his welcome, but he really didn’t care. 

Instead, Bellamy was tidying up Clarke’s kitchen while she put Julia to bed. He had read stories with Julia, but had crept out of the room after wishing Julia goodnight to let Clarke have a few minutes alone with their daughter. 

He heard Arlo bark at the kitchen door, and let the dog inside before loading the last few plates into the dishwasher. 

“You don’t have to do that, you know? I’m pretty sure I managed to keep things mostly clean before you came home,” Clarke said, appearing in view. 

She was leaning against the kitchen entryway, with her arms tucked around herself and a gentle smile on her face. Dressed in leggings and an oversized hoodie that used to be his, with her hair falling out it’s braid, he couldn’t help but notice that Clarke was just as beautiful - if not more - than when she had been all dressed up for the fancy gala last week. 

Bellamy ducked his head, “I know, you’re more than capable. But I like to help.” He flicked the button on the dishwasher and the machine purred to life. “And besides, half of this mess is mine.” 

He realized after he spoke that his words covered more than the dirty dishes and renovations downstairs, but also Clarke’s broken heart, Julia’s nightmares, and his four year absence. After such an incredible day with Julia, his guilty conscience began to build back up, his anxiety growing as he remembered he would never be able to atone for his mistakes. 

“Julia and I, we’re not your mess. We’re your family, Bell.” Clarke padded over to the counter and took a seat on the stool, resting her chin in her hands. “You have to stop blaming yourself for things that happened in the past that were out of your control. If you don’t, you’ll never enjoy the present.”

 _Shit_. Of course she was right. 

“How do you take thirty seconds to say why Diyoza’s been trying to tell me for weeks?” Bellamy tried to make a joke, hoping it would keep the conversation lighter, easier to handle. 

But that wasn’t Clarke. She raised her eyebrow at him, as if to say she knew he was hiding something and chickening out. Of course she knew him that well. 

He sighed and took a step backwards to lean on the counter behind him. “I’m trying, Clarke. I am. I guess that’s why I end up spending so much time here with Julia. And you.” 

“That’s great, Bell. We love having you here.” 

He crossed his arms, as if the motion could protect and shield him from the vulnerability. “I just- I guess sometimes I worry that I’m here too much, that I’m overstepping. You’d tell me if I was, right?”

Clarke frowned. “You’re not-”, she began and then sighed, trying to wrangle her words. “There’s never a ‘too much’, okay? You’re my best friend and Julia’s dad, you’re _always_ welcome here.”

“Really?” he asked, looking up to her. He believed her, but wanted reassurance anyway. 

“Of course,” she confirmed, as if it were the easiest decision in the world. 

Bellamy felt instantly relieved at that. 

“Want to make some hot chocolate and sit outside for a bit?” she offered. 

“Definitely,” he agreed, and turned on the kettle as Clarke pulled two mugs out of the cupboard. 

Even though Bellamy had spent the entire day with Julia and Clarke, he still wasn’t ready to leave. If he was truly being honest, his room at Octavia’s house no longer felt like home, despite being the very house he grew up in. Most times Bellamy felt like he was intruding on Octavia and Lincoln’s lives, even though he knew he was welcome to be there. 

Instead, Clarke’s house was beginning to feel more and more like home to him. It was where his favourite people lived, and he wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. He knew it might be tempting fate, but he was beginning to wonder if he could ask to move into the spare room in the basement once it was completed. It would mean he could be around even more, to help with Julia and Arlo, as well as more things around the house. But it would also mean he would be around Clarke more, which was wonderful when they were best friends, but felt like a punch in the gut every time he remembered he longed to be something more. 

“Here we go,” he said, offering one of the hot mugs to Clarke before he joined her on the front porch steps. It was chilly outside in the evening air, and Clarke had her favourite blanket wrapped around her shoulders and Arlo lying beside her to keep her warm. 

“I hope you don’t mind, but I snuck a little something extra in there,” he teased softly, bumping his shoulder against hers. Bellamy took a quick sip of the hot drink and felt the warmth of the alcohol at the back of his throat, savouring the sensation. 

“It’s perfect,” she agreed after taking a sip herself. 

“Do you ever think about how crazy it is, that we ended up like this?” Clarke asked, bumping her shoulder against his. “Like when we first met, what ten years ago now? We fought all the time, and Octavia used to get so upset that we hated each other. And now we’re sitting here, best friends and raising a daughter together?”

Of all the things Clarke could have brought up, he hadn’t expected her to say that. “Crazy doesn’t even begin to describe half of the things in my life,” he mused, earning a soft chuckle from her. 

“So I wouldn’t say crazy,” he added, “But I understand what you’re saying. Back then I thought you were a spoiled rich princess, and hoped Octavia would stop inviting you over. I never would have thought you’d become one of the most important people in my life. Or that we’d have a kid together.”

“That one surprised me too,” she admitted with a small laugh, as she cradled the mug in her hands. 

Bellamy took another sip of his warm drink and looked up at the sky. He could see the stars again, and that sight alone instantly calmed him and brought him peace. 

Peaceful, that’s what he felt, being outside with Clarke. Even in the quiet when they weren’t talking, it wasn’t uncomfortable, it was an easy, natural stillness. 

The moments passed by as they finished their drinks staring up at the wide night sky in the quiet. 

Finally Clarke broke that silence. “Hey, Bell?” Having finished her drink, she had put the mug down on the porch. But her fingers were fiddling with the blanket fringe again, a sure sign that she was nervous about something. 

“Yeah,” he answered, his voice gravelly in his throat after a long day. 

“I know we can’t change the past, but I’m curious to know. If your mission hadn’t been compromised, and if you weren’t captured… How would you have responded when you found out I was pregnant? Would we have gotten back together?”

Bellamy mulled over the question in his mind, wondering how he was supposed to answer this question. To be fair, it wasn’t the first time he had thought about this. It was one of the many what-ifs that ran through his mind when he couldn’t sleep.

“Honestly, I have no idea,” Bellamy finally said. “I’m not the same person I was back then. That version of myself doesn’t exist anymore after everything I’ve been through. I’d like to think I’d have done things right, and been there for you if I came home. But I also know I did stupid and careless things back then, like how I hurt you right before I left.”

She didn’t answer right away as she processed his words, but she was still playing with the fringe of the blanket. 

“I’m sorry I was a dick back then, for how I ended things,” he admitted, filling the silence. “I hated knowing that was your last memory of me when you thought I was, well, you know.” _Dead_ , he didn’t say, still trying to avoid that word as much as possible. 

“I’m sorry too,” Clarke replied. “I knew what I was getting into with you that summer, that it was just hooking up, just sex. It wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, you made me promise. I shouldn’t have asked for it to be more.”

“Maybe, but I didn’t have to be a dick about it. So, I’m sorry,” he apologized. 

Clarke looked up at him through her lashes, and that sight alone had his heart skipping a beat. “Fine, apology accepted. Either way, I’m happy you’re here now, so it’s water under the bridge.” 

“Me too,” Bellamy agreed. Clarke leaned her head against his shoulder, and he instinctively moved his arm around her waist, resting his hand lightly on her hip. To his surprise, she snuggled closer to him. She must be getting cold, he thought, so he pulled the blanket back across her lap where it had fallen off. 

The comfortable silence returned once again as they both stared up at the stars. Had things always been so easy between him and Clarke, he wondered. 

“Oh, look!” she called, pointing up to the left, “A shooting star! Did you see it?” 

He nodded, “Yeah,” and watched as Clarke squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, before looking back up at him. 

She poked him in the ribs with a finger, and teased, “You’ve got to make a wish, silly.”

Bellamy scratched his jaw, “I wouldn’t know what to wish for…” 

Clarke gave him a pointed look. “Oh, come on, there’s got to be _something_ you’d wish for.”

He bit his lip, to force himself to not speak out loud. To hold back and not say the one word that was ready to tumble from his mouth. 

_You_ , he was about to say, the word on the edge of his lips, ready to fall off of the precipice and into the unknown. 

So instead, he had lied to her. 

Bellamy knew exactly what he wished for. He wished for Clarke. For Julia, and for Arlo. For the chance to make their family a real family. To make her house their home together. He wished to have and build a life with her. 

And the stupid thing was, it was all right here in front of him. He had Clarke in his life. He had a wonderful relationship with his daughter, and was even reunited with the dog he thought he would never see again. Clarke was willing and eager to let him spend time with the two of them, allowing them to experience time together as a family. Technically, _technically_ , he had everything he wished for in his grasp. 

But it wasn’t the same. It was so close to what he wanted, but yet it wasn’t what he truly longed for. 

And it was all his fault for ending things with Clarke before his last tour. Bellamy knew he had broken her heart then, and he hated himself for making that choice. It was a simple decision, one he had made up in his mind before their summer fling had even started and had never reconsidered. 

Look at what that one mistake had cost him, a mistake made out of fear of the unknown and honestly not much thought. 

It had cost him _everything_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as always, feel free to say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


	14. Lost In The Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally here, the chapter you've all been waiting for. yes, the *flashback* chapter! yaaaaah!
> 
> 🙈 also, peep that chapter count climbing - because this was supposed to be a 1k word flashback to fit in with the next chapter - and then it grew into a 5k angsty beast, which required its very own chapter. but I have zero regrets. 
> 
> hope you all enjoy!

But I can see us lost in the memory  
August slipped away into a moment in time  
'Cause it was never mine

  
And I can see us twisted in bedsheets  
August sipped away like a bottle of wine  
'Cause you were never mine

**“August” - Taylor Swift**

**Four summers ago...**

“I can’t believe Bellamy’s going to be home for the entire summer. That hasn’t happened in years,” Clarke said, flicking through the dress rack. She and Octavia were at their favourite thrift store, killing time in the air conditioned store. 

From the next row over, Octavia grinned back. “I know, I’m so excited, only,” she paused her browsing to catch Clarke’s eye. “Please promise me that you’ll be nice to him. You and Bell are my favourite people and I don’t want you to ruin my summer by fighting the whole time.”

Ever since Clarke and Octavia had become friends, she and Octavia’s older brother had never really seen eye to eye. They traded glaring stares, loaded taunts, and brutal comments whenever they were in the same room, much to Octavia’s annoyance. But it had been almost three years since she and Bellamy had really spent any real time together, aside from a few weekend visits here and there. Maybe there was a chance he had matured. She might just be willing to give it a chance if he was. 

“Yeah, O. I get that. I’ll be nice if he is.” Clarke answered, as she found a red strappy dress that looked her size. 

Octavia raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, fine. I’ll be nice to Bellamy, no matter how annoying he is to me, okay?” Clarke added in a huff. She had matured too, and besides, she was in med school now. Dealing with Octavia’s ornery older brother would be excellent practice for dealing with irate and annoying patients. 

Her answer must have satisfied Octavia, because her friend quickly changed the subject to the red dress in Clarke’s hands. “Oh, you should totally try that on. It’s stunning! I bet it will make your boobs look amazing!”

* * *

Bellamy was thrilled to be back in Arkadia, happy to have traded the dust and sand for a clean shower and a cold beer in his hand. All of their friends were gathered in the Blake’s backyard, to celebrate his homecoming. And much to his chagrin, he hated to admit that Octavia’s friends had actually become his own friends, and that he was excited to see Jasper and Monty, and hell, even Clarke too. 

After being away from home so often over the last few years, there was a comfort in returning to familiar people and places. 

When Clarke had hugged him earlier, Bellamy had been surprised by her pleasant greeting. After years of constant bickering and teasing, Clarke’s sudden civility was confusing and caught him off guard. 

Even though Jasper was talking, Bellamy wasn’t listening. His eyes kept wandering across the yard, toward Clarke. She was laughing with Harper, and wearing a sinfully low cut shirt that left almost nothing to the imagination. 

When the hell did Clarke Griffin get so hot, he wondered, and why couldn’t he take his eyes off of her. It was rude to stare, but Bellamy’s eyes kept drifting toward Clarke’s direction. 

A few hours later, when he was definitely not sober anymore, Bellamy went inside to grab a cold glass of water. Only the kitchen wasn’t empty, and he wasn’t alone. 

“Hey, you really don’t have to do that,” he said to Clarke, who was washing dishes in the sink, up to her elbows in white, fluffy soap suds. 

She shrugged, “I don’t mind. Besides, it’s a good excuse to hide from Finn. He gets too flirty when he’s drunk.”

Bellamy nodded at her explanation, trying to ignore the strange feeling in his stomach. He didn’t like Clarke, but for some reason he couldn’t explain, he didn’t want anyone else to like her either. 

“Glad to be home?” she asked quietly, making conversation as she rinsed the soapy suds off a dish. 

He swallowed a cold gulp of water, hoping it would wake him up and clear his brain from these unusual thoughts. “Yeah, I definitely missed the air conditioning here, and the plumbing, and the food.”

She giggled, “Of course. Octavia’s so excited to have you home for the summer that she made me promise to be nice to you.”

Bellamy raised his eyebrows in surprise, leaning against the kitchen counter next to her. “Ah, that makes sense then, why the princess hasn’t yelled at me yet.”

Clarke rolled her eyes at him, “Hey, well, maybe we’ve changed too. I mean, you haven’t done anything to make me want to yell at you yet, so...”

Biting his lip to keep from laughing at her, Bellamy couldn’t help but shake his head. Maybe she was right, and maybe they had changed. Maybe they could even be friends. 

Tipping back the last of his water, Bellamy reached across Clarke to place his glass in the pile of dirty dishes yet to be washed. As he did so, his free hand landed on her waist, to anchor himself in place. 

Clarke didn’t flinch at his touch, not even when his thumb brushed the soft warm skin revealed between her shirt and her shorts. 

She only tilted her head to look up at him, her brilliant blue eyes meeting his. In the kitchen lighting, her cheeks were flushed pink. 

Bellamy was frozen in place, even though he was crowded into Clarke’s personal space. Her gaze held him hostage, sparks shooting through his hand where it touched her skin. 

Caught up in the moment, Bellamy leaned closer, his eyes dropping to her rosy lips for a brief second before darting back up to meet her eyes once more. She inhaled sharply in surprise, but didn’t shy away. No, she leaned closer too. 

But at the sound of loud footsteps on the back deck, and noisy laughter from their friends, they both jumped apart. 

Running his hands through his hair, Bellamy sighed. “I, uh. Sorry. Uh, I’ll go.” Pushing off of the counter, he left the kitchen, quickly stepping up the stairs to his room. 

Flopping backwards on his bed, he scrubbed his hands over his face and groaned. What the hell had happened? Somehow Clarke Griffin had gotten under his skin, and now he wanted to kiss her. Oh god, he almost kissed her. 

* * *

“See you later, don’t wait up for me,” Octavia called over her shoulder the next evening, as she left the house to meet her date. 

Clarke was camped out on the Blake’s couch, combing through flashcards. It never hurt to squeeze in an extra study session. 

“Know anything about this guy she’s seeing?” Bellamy asked from the other side of the living room, where he was sprawled out on the reclining chair. He was watching some documentary on the history channel, but with the volume low and subtitles on so he wouldn’t interrupt Clarke’s studying. 

Keeping her eyes on the flashcards, Clarke shrugged, “His name’s Lincoln, they met at the gym. He’s really nice, lots of tattoos, and has big hands.” 

“Why do I care if he has big hands?” Bellamy asked, turning to her with eyebrows raised. 

Clarke grinned wickedly, “Oh, you have to know what they say about the correlation between the size of a guys’ hands and his-”

“Ugh, gross. I don’t need to know that,” Bellamy moaned, rubbing his eyes. 

Clarke shifted on the couch, trying to get comfortable. Somehow that ended with her knees up over the back of the couch, and her head hanging upside down toward the floor as she held her flashcards in the air above her. 

But over the edge of her flashcards, she had the perfect view of Bellamy. There was something about his tan skin and freckles that made her knees go weak, and all she wanted to do was run her hands through his hair and muss up his curls. Sure, she’d had a crush on her best friend’s older brother in the past when she was in high school, but that was just a silly crush. But after they had almost kissed in the kitchen last night, Clarke couldn’t stop thinking about Bellamy and how much she wanted that kiss. 

An hour later, Clarke had given up on her studying, and Bellamy had joined her on the couch to share the pizza they had ordered. 

There was an old episode of Friends on, but Clarke wasn’t paying attention. Instead, she was very much aware of Bellamy’s hand on the couch, only inches from her knee. 

Sighing in frustration, Clarke stood, gathering their plates and the empty box to bring to the kitchen. 

After she put the plates in the sink, she turned around, surprised to find Bellamy right in front of her. Leaning her hip against the counter, her eyes darted up to meet his, curious as to why he’d followed her, and why he stood so close to her. 

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice low and husky, and she hated how much the sound turned her on. 

Trying to play it cool, she nodded, tucking her hair behind her ear. “Yeah, I’m fine, I’m-”

But she lost her words, when Bellamy planted his hands on the counter behind her, caging her in his arms. 

He watched her carefully as he crowded her space, as if he were silently asking her a question. Only, Clarke didn’t know what he was trying to say. But every fibre of her being longed for him to kiss her. 

Without thinking, she gave into her instincts and desire, tilting her head up to kiss him. 

To her surprise and utter delight, Bellamy kissed her back immediately. 

Her hands slid up his chest, and she hooked her arms around his neck, tucking herself even closer to him.

Bellamy deepened the kiss, his tongue darting out to trace the seam of lips. At the same time, his hands found purchase on her waist, sliding up under her t-shirt to rest his palms against her bare skin. 

Kissing him back greedily, Clarke wound her fingers through the tangled curls at the back of his neck, eliciting a throaty moan from Bellamy. The sound made her proud, and her stomach twisted in excitement of where this would inevitably lead to. 

...

Some time later, Clarke sighed happily, resting her cheek against Bellamy’s muscled chest. She had never expected that he’d like to cuddle after sex, but was delighted with her discovery as he ran his fingertips lightly over her arm. 

“Octavia can never know about this,” Clarke said, in a gentle whisper. 

“Can we please not talk about my sister right now,” Bellamy answered with a groan, draping a muscular arm across his face. 

Rolling off of his chest, Clarke propped her head on her elbow. “I’m serious Bell, she’d kill me. She wanted us to play nice, not hook up.”

Pinching her hipbone playfully, Bellamy smirked, “But this is so much more fun.” 

“Bell,” Clarke warned. 

“Fine, you’re right. But as long as we’re keeping secrets from O, does that mean this,” he pointed between the two of them, “can keep happening? Or…”

Clarke dropped her head down to his shoulder, hiding her face against his skin. “I mean, I guess it could,” she admitted. 

“Because if we do, it can’t get serious. I’m leaving again in two months. It has to be just sex, no feelings.”

Leaning back up on her elbow, Clarke offered him her right hand to shake. “You’ve got yourself a deal, Blake. A good old fashioned summer fling. Just sex, and it all stays a secret from Octavia.”

Bellamy accepted her handshake, and then whispered wickedly, “I was thinking we could seal the deal a different way.”

He rolled them over until he hovered above her, silencing her surprised squeal with a kiss. 

* * *

Her skin felt as if it were on fire in the front seat of Bellamy’s truck. Clarke sighed with pleasure as Bellamy placed sloppy open-mouthed kisses under her jaw, while his movements under her sent jolts of bliss through her entire body.

After they both found their release, Clarke leaned her forehead against Bellamy’s. His hairline was sweaty, but she didn’t care. 

Stealing a quick kiss from her lips, Bellamy teased, “Who knew the princess could let loose and have fun?”

“Hey, I was always fun. You were the one who was always a cranky asshole,” she retorted with a wry grin, stealing a kiss of her own. 

“You’re trouble,” he muttered, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand. 

Shaking her head side to side, Clarke couldn’t help but smile as she pulled herself off of his lap. The cool evening breeze through the open windows was a welcome relief from the heat. They were parked out in the countryside, beside the river, where they knew they could be alone and undiscovered. She quickly cleaned herself up and slid her shorts back on. 

It was silent, but peaceful, no sounds except for their breathing and the rustling of trees outside. 

And then Clarke laughed, “I am never going to be able to look at your truck the same way again.”

Bellamy tipped his head back against the headrest, grinning. “Me neither.”

“Remind me to sit in the backseat next time you drive me and O somewhere. I can’t be thinking of this when she’s around.”

Sliding his hand up her thigh, he smirked dangerously. “Well, fuck. I guess that ruins my plans of round two in the backseat.”

* * *

Bellamy’s summer at home was halfway over, and it was already nothing like what he had expected. He had never thought he would spend most of his time hooking up with Clarke Griffin, but he had no complaints. The sex was amazing, but the more they talked, the more he realized she wasn’t the annoying little princess who used to follow his sister around everywhere. Of course he knew she had grown up, and she was intelligent - she was in medical school for goodness sake - but for the first time, Bellamy was seeing Clarke as an equal, as a friend. 

They were parked down by the river again, the cloudless night was perfect for stargazing from the back of his truck. So that’s where they sat, shoulder to shoulder passing a bottle of Monty’s moonshine back and forth. 

Trading secrets and stories instead of kisses, Bellamy was struck that this conversation felt more intimate than any other relationship he’d experienced in the past. It was different than the physical intimacy they were used to by now, adding a deeper layer of trust to their new friendship. 

“So, yesterday something weird happened,” Clarke began, taking a small sip of liquor before continuing. “This doctor in my program asked me out.”

“Oh,” Bellamy commented, taking the bottle from her hands. He might need to be a little bit more drunk to survive this conversation. “And what did you say?”

She dropped her head against this shoulder, looking up at the sky. “Yeah. I said no, told him I was kind of already seeing someone.”

Bellamy glanced down at her, with a small smile daring to cross his face. He nudged her knee. “You are?”

Clarke hid her face in his shoulder, “Don’t make a big deal out of it okay. I’d just rather spend the next four weeks doing what we’re doing, and enjoy the time we have left before you leave.” 

She nudged her knee against his. “And besides, that doctor will still be around in September, so I can date him then, when you’re gone.”

He exhaled, feeling the quick release of tension he didn’t know he was holding. Of course Clarke still remembered they had an expiration date, and that she wasn’t trying to pressure him into anything more. 

That was most important. Getting to know Clarke this summer was special - so special that he’d hate himself if he hurt her. Which is why he had to keep making it clear that their fling was only physical, no romantic feelings allowed. None at all. 

It was the only way he’d survive going back on tour, if he had no strings attached to anyone at home. Especially someone like Clarke. 

* * *

While the girls were meeting up at the new club for their monthly girls night out, Bellamy was supposed to be on his way out the door for poker night at Murphy’s. One last night with the guys before he had to leave in a week. The countdown to his departure weighed heavily in the back of his mind, and he was determined to make the most of the time he had left with his sister and their friends - and Clarke too. 

He was looking for a clean t-shirt after his shower when he heard the front door open and close downstairs, which was concerning because he was supposed to be home alone. 

Silently creeping down the stairs, Bellamy was on high-alert, prepared to take on the intruder. But a pair of high heels in the front hall caught his view, and he froze halfway down the steps. 

Clarke was standing there in a strappy red dress that clung tightly to her frame. The fabric hugged her curves, and revealed a delightful amount of cleavage. 

“Hey,” she said, her voice low and husky, lifting her hand in a small wave. 

“Wow,” he gulped, taking in her appearance, his hand tightly gripping the banister. “You look, you clean up nice, princess.”

She glanced down shyly. “Thanks. Umm, I bailed on girls night. And thought maybe we could hang out?”

He stepped down the last four steps, to join her in the front hall. Bellamy ran a hand through his hair, still slightly damp from his shower. “Well, I’m supposed to meet the guys for poker, but your offer is tempting,” he teased, slipping a finger under the thin shoulder strap of her dress. 

“And here I was thinking it’d be an easy choice for you, between poker with drunk Murphy, or sex with me while nobody’s home,” Clarke murmured, looping her fingers through the belt loops on his jeans. 

“You make an excellent point,” he acknowledged, his lips just barely grazing hers. But he pulled away before she could kiss him, grabbing his phone from his pocket. “We’ll let Murphy think I have a migraine and have to sleep it off.” 

Clarke grinned at him, and threaded her fingers through his as he led her up the stairs to his room. 

The next morning, Bellamy woke up with Clarke in his arms. She had never stayed over like this before, always slipping out of his bed before Octavia caught them - and he was surprised his sister hadn’t suspected anything since Clarke always left wearing one of his t-shirts instead of her own.

His nose brushed the back of her neck, and when she shivered at his touch, he knew she was awake. Kissing the back of her neck, Bellamy tightened his arms around Clarke, holding her close. 

He knew he shouldn’t be doing this, it was crossing the line from friends with benefits to something more serious. But she fit so perfectly in his arms, and he was still half-asleep, and against his better judgement, his hands began to roam, exploring her body. 

The countdown was on anyway, and Bellamy would have to leave in six days. Plus, Clarke knew what they had agreed to, that this would never be anything more than a fling, so he knew she wouldn’t ask anything more of him. She had promised him, after all. 

Somehow, he could tell that Clarke was overthinking something - she was awake, but distracted and not responding to his touch as quickly as normal. She spun around in his arms, and he was determined to not let this morning alone go to waste. Kissing her, Bellamy let himself enjoy her touch, his body reacting to hers. Rolling his body over hers, he kissed her neck, losing himself in the moment shared between them. 

* * *

Clarke had asked Bellamy to park the truck near the river again, wanting to spend one more night with him in the truck bed under the stars. He would be getting on a plane in three days, and would be leaving her for months. 

She had to tell him how she felt, it was now or never. And she was terrified, because she had promised him at the start of the summer, that this would be a simple fling. But she had fucked up, and gone ahead and fallen in love with him. 

“Hey, you okay? You’ve been acting weird all day,” Bellamy said, climbing up into the truck bed beside her. 

Wringing her hands in her lap, Clarke sat cross-legged next to him. “I need to talk to you,” she said, spitting the words out quickly in her nervous rush. 

“Okay,” he said slowly. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s _wrong_ , at least, I don’t think so,” she began, knowing she was stalling. 

“Clarke, just talk to me.” Bellamy put a hand on her calf, though his intention was probably to reassure her, not make her even more nervous at his touch. 

Taking a deep breath, Clarke finally spoke out loud everything she had been holding inside for weeks. 

“Bell, I- I know I promised that I was okay with things between us just being a summer fling, and that I’d be fine to end things when you left. But this summer with you, it’s been amazing, and I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want us to be over. I know you said nothing serious, and no feelings, but I…” She took another deep breath, and continued, looking him in the eye. “I’m in love with you Bellamy, and I know you’re about to leave, but I think we can make it work. We can face-time and write letters, and I’ll be busy with med school for the next year anyway, so the time will fly by. And well, I- I want us to try.”

Bellamy sat in front of her, unmoving. Almost like he was in shock. 

She gulped, and placed a hand over his, still resting on her leg. “Say something, Bell. Please.”

He leaned back against the side of the truck. “Fuck,” he exhaled, pulling his hand away from her and covered his face with his palms. 

Tears lined her eyes at his reaction. In her head, when Clarke had imagined saying this, Bellamy had been overjoyed, and confessed his feelings back to her. But in real life, Bellamy looked as if he’d just been punched in the stomach. 

“Clarke,” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “This is why I said nothing serious. I- ugh!” he groaned, “I know what you want me to say, but I can’t. And you knew that. _Fuck!_ Why did you have to go and ruin everything we had?”

“I- What? Ruin everything?” she stammered, sitting up on her knees. Tears began to spill down her cheeks. “No, you don’t get to say that. So what, you just fucked me all summer, and thought we could leave it, no strings attached?”

His voice rose to match hers. “Yeah, Clarke. I did. Because that was the plan. You agreed to it. You promised me. Remember?”

Clarke jumped down from the truck bed, and crossed her arms as she paced a small circle. “Okay, sure. I promised you that _months_ ago, when it was supposed to be just sex. I thought things had changed since then, after we’d spent all that time together. It might have been _just sex_ in the beginning, but what about everything else? The cuddling, talking until three am, the way you looked at me. _You_ should be sorry for leading _me_ on, then!”

He pulled at his hair in frustration, and then stood, climbing down from the truck. Standing in front of her, he yelled, “Leading _you_ on?! Fuck, Clarke, I- I thought you were okay with that because we had our plan.”

Bellamy sighed, and lowered his voice, his tone biting, “If anything, I’m sorry you’re delusional enough to think that any of this was real.”

Stunned by his words, Clarke pushed Bellamy, her palms flat against his chest. She seethed, “ _You fucking snake_. All of this, just to, just to..” An angry laugh escaped her lips, as she pushed her hands to her temple, her fingers threading through her blonde hair. 

“You know what,” she said, her voice steady once more after finding a small moment of composure. “I think you’re scared. You’re scared that this could be real, and you’re just too scared and lazy to put in the effort to make things work.”

“What? No-” he tried to interject. 

Pointing a finger at him, Clarke cut him off. “No, you listen to me. Fine, I’ll take the blame for not following your rules. I’m sorry that my feelings messed up your friends with benefits scheme. But you’ll regret this, you know. One day, you’ll be all alone and miserable, and you’ll miss everything we could have been. So fuck you, Bellamy, and fuck your lies.” 

His mouth opened, ready to speak, but she held her hand up to him. 

“I don’t want you to say anything else. Just drive me home, please, and leave me the hell alone.” She dropped her hands to her sides.

Bellamy nodded, holding out his hands palms up to show that he accepted her demands. Jerking his head toward the truck doors, he silently walked his path to the door, and she walked her separate way. 

And just as quickly as their summer fling had begun, it was over, with Clarke’s broken heart as the only casualty. 

* * *

Bellamy hugged his sister close, his eyes scanning the crowds of people in the airport. He knew it was idiotic to think she would come, but he still looked for her familiar blonde hair anyway. 

Even after their fight, he had held a small hope that his _friend_ Clarke would come say goodbye. Even after the other part of their relationship had come to an end, Bellamy still wanted to be friends with Clarke. She was the only one who could challenge him at Scrabble, or attempt to out-drink him around the campfire. She had defended him against some of Octavia’s worst taunts, and kept him in line when he got a little too overprotective of his sister when he met Lincoln for the first time. 

“She’s not coming,” Octavia said, with a knowing look. “Clarke. I don’t know what you did to piss her off, even though I finally thought you two were friends after this summer.”

Bellamy shook his head, “We are. Or, we were. I don’t know. Just tell her I’m sorry, okay?”

Octavia nodded. “I’ll miss you, big brother.”

Bellamy hugged his sister again, “I’ll miss you too, O. Stay in touch.”

With one last look across the departures terminal, Bellamy willed himself to not feel disappointed that Clarke didn’t turn up to say goodbye. 

* * *

Clarke was sitting at her kitchen table, watching the clock on the wall. As the time ticked away, the staccato beats echoed through the quiet apartment, a continual reminder of how alone she was. 

As tears lined her eyes, she counted down the minutes until Bellamy’s plane took off. Once he was up in the air moving away from her, she knew she had to start trying to move on from him. But for the next three minutes, she would continue to let herself wallow, remembering all the moments they shared and all her hopes for what could have been. 

Clarke’s mistake wasn’t falling in love with Bellamy in the first place. No, her mistake was thinking and believing he could ever feel the same way about her. 

She knew she was smart, with her perfect GPA and holding the top spot in her med program. But Clarke was absolutely stupid and totally idiotic when it came to Bellamy Blake. 

It pained her to admit that Bellamy was right, she had been delusional, and misread every sign.

And as the time ticked by, tears streamed down her cheeks. Bellamy Blake had broken her heart, and she had seen it coming, inviting him to do so with open arms. 

* * *

Two weeks later, Clarke found herself in the bathroom, staring in disbelief at the tiny pink plus sign on the pregnancy test. 

Well, then. That would explain her hormones and morning sickness. 

But how could she ever explain this to Bellamy?

* * *

“Hey, Blake. Message for you,” Miller said, passing a note to Bellamy. He had just walked back into his dorm, his hair still damp from his shower. 

Bellamy said a quick thanks to his friend, wondering who it was from. Octavia wasn’t scheduled to call until tomorrow. Unfolding the note, he read the words: _Someone named Clarke called for you. Said it was important. Call back ASAP._

After weeks of radio silence from Clarke, _now_ she was finally reaching out to him. 

He groaned, flopping onto his bed, and running his hands through his hair. Bellamy was still frustrated with her for what she’d said that night by the river, and pissed that she didn’t even show up to say goodbye to him at the airport. 

He wondered if it would be incredibly petty to ignore her message for a few hours. A few days even. Besides, he had a job to do, and a scouting mission to prepare for. 

Crumpling up the paper note, Bellamy tossed it in a nearby trash can. He’d call Clarke back tomorrow, after the mission was complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading! I love reading every single one of your comments, so keep yelling to me about all the things 💜


	15. Still In Love With You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love and sweet comments on the last chapter! I'm so glad you enjoyed the flashbacks and the little taste of what happened between Clarke and Bellamy years ago. 
> 
> Now, back to our regularly scheduled angst and mutual pining!   
> happy reading, friends! 💜
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "Still" by Niall Horan

And I just don't know why  
The stars won't shine at night  
Tell me you want it  
A thousand miles away from the day that we started  
But I'm standing here with you just tryna be honest  
If honesty means telling you the truth  
Well, I'm still in love with you  
**“Still” - Niall Horan**

“Are you seriously telling me that you still haven’t made a move on Bellamy?” Madi looked shocked where she sat perched on a stool at the kitchen counter. She had come over after school to babysit Julia, so Clarke and Bellamy could meet up with Octavia and Lincoln for dinner. 

Clarke shushed the teen, glancing over her shoulder at the back door, to double check that no one had overheard. Through the window she could see Bellamy and Julia playing tug of war with Arlo outside, so her secret was safe. For now.

“It’s not like that, Madi. We’re friends,” Clarke reasoned. But it was only half true, because she certainly wanted to be more than just friends. And no matter how many times she tried to tell herself otherwise, she couldn’t ignore that fact any more. 

Because it terrified her. The last time she had tried to be vulnerable with Bellamy by telling him how she felt, he had shattered her heart. The cold look in his eyes from that last night down by the river had haunted her for the last four and half years. She never wanted to see that look on his face again - the pity, the rejection, the embarrassment. 

Madi rolled her eyes and jutted her chin to the side. “Sure, you keep telling yourself that, but it’s written all over your face.”

Clarke hoped she wasn’t blushing, and kept her head down, focusing on the carrots and cucumber she was slicing for the girls’ dinner. 

“You’re in  _ love _ with him,” Madi teased in a singsong voice, sneaking a carrot stick from the cutting board. “You want to  _ marry _ him!” 

And then they heard footsteps on the back deck. 

Throwing a carrot at Madi, Clarke shushed her again, just before Bellamy came back inside the house with the toddler and dog following right behind him. 

“Hey, Bellamy, guess what?” Madi called, wagging her eyebrows suggestively in Clarke’s direction. 

“What’s up?” he asked, joining them at the counter, his curiosity piqued. 

“Clarke was just telling me,” the teen shot a glance back over to Clarke, who gave a pointed glare back. “She was saying I could pick the paint colours for the spare room you’re building downstairs. I can’t wait to be able to sleep over here, and not have Mrs. Thompson’s stupid parakeet wake me up at the crack of dawn every morning.”

Bellamy drummed his fingers on the counter for a moment, and nodded. “Yeah, for sure, if it’s okay with Clarke. We can go to the hardware store tomorrow.”

“Awesome,” Madi grinned facetiously at Clarke, jumping down from the stool. “I’m thinking some neon green, or maybe banana yellow? What do you think, Jules? Maybe bubblegum pink?”

“Neutral colours!” Clarke yelled after Madi, who had scooped up Julia on her hip and laughed as she wandered into the living room to turn on a movie. 

“No neon colours, please,” Clarke pleaded, looking back up at Bellamy, who suddenly looked as if he were far away lost in thought. 

“Hmm? Oh, no, we’ll pick out something less fluorescent,” he agreed. “So Madi’s going to be staying over here more?”

Clarke put the cut veggies on a plate for the girl to eat later with their pizza. “Yeah. It makes the most sense, especially if she’s watching Julia at night. Then she doesn’t have to stay up late just to walk home. And I want her to know she’s always welcome here.”

Bellamy hummed in agreement, but didn’t say anything else. Something was off with him. Clarke couldn’t figure it out, he’d been fine earlier that afternoon but she had no idea what soured his mood so suddenly. 

“Are you ready to go?” she asked, slipping on her leather jacket and grabbing her purse from the counter. 

Again, he didn’t say anything, only nodding his agreement. Weird.

They quickly said goodbye to the girls, who had pizza on the way and a Frozen marathon queued for the night. 

Clarke spent the whole drive subtly watching Bellamy from where she sat in the passenger seat. He was quiet for the drive, answering her questions with simple one word answers, rather than engaging in conversation. Whatever he was thinking about was consuming him. 

And sure enough, they had beat Octavia and Lincoln to the restaurant. 

“Hey, Bellamy! You’re back!” A pretty waitress with long blonde hair waved, as they walked inside. 

Clarke watched Bellamy smile at the waitress, and wondered how she knew his name.

“Hey Bree, how’s it going?” Bellamy greeted her by name, even though Clarke noticed that the server’s name tag was hidden behind the menus she was holding to her chest.

“Oh, and this is Clarke,” he introduced, almost as an afterthought. 

Bree flashed a courtesy smile over at Clarke, before looking back up to Bellamy with sparkling eyes and a cunning smile. 

As they walked to their table, Clarke followed a step behind Bellamy, as he chatted with Bree. Clearly they had talked before, but Clarke had no idea when. She had assumed that when Bellamy wasn’t at her house with Julia, he was at Octavia’s. But clearly she was wrong and naive. She hadn’t even thought that he might be going out with other friends, or dates. Clarke swallowed as her throat suddenly became tight at that thought. 

It wasn’t as if she had some sort of claim on Bellamy, because they had a child together or because she was secretly head over heels in love with him. That was obviously an unreasonable expectation. But she couldn’t deny that it hurt her heart to see him smile at Bree like that. 

Luckily, Octavia and Lincoln arrived moments later, which saved Clarke from spiralling into a total jealous wreck. And it seemed that Bellamy had forgotten whatever had been bothering him earlier. As soon as he saw his sister and brother-in-law, he seemed to transform back into the Bellamy they all knew and loved. 

Which apparently also included Bree, from the way she flirted with Bellamy as she took the table’s drink orders. 

“Bell, how is it that we live in the same house, but it feels like I haven’t seen you all week?” Octavia asked, lightly punching him in the shoulder. 

“Julia’s got him wrapped around her finger, that’s why,” Lincoln replied. “I won that bet, by the way, you still owe me.”

“Hey, no, you didn’t win,” Octavia retorted, poking her husband in the ribs where he was most ticklish. “I never agreed to it, because I knew he’d be a lost cause for Jules.”

Clarke and Bellamy shared a look, grinning at the couple’s antics. 

“Okay, fine,” Bellamy conceded, laying his hands flat on the table. “You both won, I love my daughter. Can we order dinner, now?”

They all laughed and opened their menus. 

When Bree brought the drinks to their table, it caught Clarke’s eye that they had only ordered iced tea and soft drinks. She knew Bellamy wasn’t drinking because of the anxiety medication he was on, and she wanted to stay sober with him, just in case Madi called. But it was unusual for Octavia and Lincoln to pass on a drink, especially on a night out. And now that she thought about it, Octavia hadn’t been drinking the last time they were out together for girls night either, having volunteered to be their designated driver. 

Catching her friend’s eye, Clarke pointed to the glass of iced tea and raised a questioning eyebrow. 

And watched Octavia’s own features align to surprise and then an attempt at neutrality before a smile cracked through. Though no words were spoken, Octavia's message was clear. 

“Really?” Clarke mouthed, staying silent, as she bounced in her seat in excitement. 

Octavia nodded once, smiling. Then mimed zipping her lips, as she glanced across the table to Bellamy. 

It was still a secret. Somehow she and Octavia had silently communicated everything without drawing the attention of the guys, who were commenting on the hockey game playing on tv. Hoping they would stay distracted, Clarke reached across the table to squeeze Octavia’s hand. 

“I’m so happy for you!” she whispered, sharing another wide smile with her friend as her heart leapt with joy. Julia was going to have a cousin!

“Wait, what’s going on here?” Lincoln asked, having turned his attention back to the table and spying Clarke and Octavia clasping hands and grinning like idiots. Then he gasped, “You told her!”

“Told her what?” Bellamy asked, a curious look on his face. 

“You told her, so that means I win this bet,” Lincoln announced, radiating with excitement as he rubbed his palms together. 

“What bet?” Bellamy asked again, eyebrows furrowed. 

Clarke bit her lip as she glanced around at her friends. Octavia and Lincoln were beaming, but Bellamy looked confused. 

“No, you didn’t win this one either, babe,” Octavia countered. “I didn’t tell Clarke. She guessed.” 

“What did Clarke guess?” Bellamy asked, once more wanting to be let in on the conversation happening all around him. 

“O, let Bell out of his misery, just tell him already,” Clarke reasoned, knocking her shoulder against Bellamy’s. The poor guy was clueless. 

Octavia looked over to Lincoln, who nodded, before turning her attention back to Bellamy. “Guess what, big brother? I’m pregnant, you’re going to be an uncle!” 

Bellamy sat in shock for a moment, processing his sister’s words, before an equally big beaming smile graced his face. He shot up out of his seat and wrapped Octavia in a big bear hug, holding her close as they laughed. Over Octavia’s shoulder, Bellamy caught Clarke’s eye. 

If she wasn’t already one thousand percent in love with him, this sight would do her in - Bellamy with excited tears in his eyes as he hugged Octavia. 

“You knew?” he mouthed at her. 

Clarke shrugged, “I guessed,” answering back. 

When Bellamy was back in his seat, after giving Lincoln a congratulatory hug as well, he looked over at his sister again. “Congrats, O. You’re gonna be a great mom.”

“Thanks,” she whispered back, tears in her eyes at her brother’s sincerity. “I’m scared as hell, but I’m so glad we have you and Clarke to help us with everything.”

Clarke squeezed Octavia’s hand across the table once again. “Anything you need, I’m going to be the best aunt ever. Julia’s going to be thrilled to have a cousin, and maybe she’ll stop asking me for a baby brother or sister now.” 

Octavia snorted, “She asked me the other day if you and Bellamy were going to get married. When I asked why, Julia said she wants a baby brother, and is planning to ask Santa for one for Christmas, so I don’t think you’re off the hook quite yet, Clarke.”

Clarke feigned an exaggerated groan, dropping her forehead to rest on her folded arms. Really, she just wanted to hide her flushed cheeks from Bellamy. Turns out Julia wanted her parents to get married almost as much as Clarke did - though she would never admit that out loud. At least, not yet. 

Instead, everyone laughed, though Bellamy sobered quickly, changing the subject back to his sister. “I’m glad I’m here for this, O. I hate that I missed so much these last few years,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion. 

Clarke realized the news must be triggering Bellamy’s guilt, and quickly laid a comforting hand on his arm. A silent gesture, but one full of the forgiveness she had already given him. 

Even Octavia and Lincoln had quieted at his words. 

“Although,” Bellamy said, breaking the awkward silence with a smirk on his face. “Count me out for diaper duty. I changed enough of your diapers, O, when you were a baby, so I’m tapping out.”

Clarke laughed along with her friends, and was relieved to see a smile back on Bellamy’s face. He had only been back home with them for a little over two months now, and while things had begun to feel normal for her, she knew that it would take much longer for Bellamy to fully adjust to life back in Arkadia. Which was one of the reasons why she couldn’t tell Bellamy how she felt about him, because he didn’t need anything else to worry about right now. 

But she could be happy that he was laughing and joking with them about everything he had experienced. It reminded her of something he had mentioned after one of his therapy sessions with Diyoza. Apparently the woman had a dark sense of humour that Bellamy appreciated, and she encouraged him to laugh about his situation, even to make jokes about how stupidly unfair everything had been. Because if he could laugh about it, it might be another step toward healing and helping him live with his past trauma.

And apparently Bellamy was ready to move past everything and get on living his life. Because when he left the table to go to the washroom, he ran into Bree on his way back, and stopped to talk to her near the bar, which just so happened to be in Clarke’s eyeline. 

Clarke watched as Bellamy laughed at something funny the waitress said, and saw her favourite smirk of his being shared with another woman. And a moment later, Bree scribbled something on her notepad, and ripped off the paper. She folded it in half and pressed it into Bellamy’s palm, as she leaned closer to him. Clarke saw him put the paper, which presumably had Bree’s number written on it, in his back pocket, before she tore her eyes away. 

Clarke stared at her drink, swirling the ice cubes around with her straw, as she felt an aching hollowness in her stomach. She hated feeling like this. Why did it hurt so much to watch him be happy with someone else? All she wanted to do was march over there, and yell ‘ _ He’s mine’ _ to Bree, but that would be crossing far too many lines. 

When Bellamy finally returned to his seat, Clarke sat quiet as her friends kept up their lively discussion. She needed a minute away, a minute to compose herself, so she excused herself to use the washroom. 

Once the bathroom door closed behind her, strangely quiet as the restaurant chatter was muted through the thick doors, Clarke leaned her palms against the counter, letting her head fall forward toward her chest in exhaustion. 

She tried to take a deep breath, to fill her lungs and steady herself, but the sound of the bathroom door swishing open startled her. Clarke looked up and saw Octavia enter, and she leaned her hip against the counter. 

“Hey…” Clarke began to say, but trailed off when she saw her friend’s face. 

“You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” Octavia asked softly, her voice full of compassion.

Clarke inhaled sharply, the weight of her emotions suffocating her. Under her friend’s watchful gaze, tears began to pool in her eyes and her fingers began to tingle with nerves. 

Unable to keep the secret in any longer, Clarke gave up the fight to hide, and simply nodded. “Yeah, I am,” she admitted. 

She let Octavia pull her into a quick, comforting hug. 

“I figured, you look like you’re in pain every time Bree comes by the table and practically falls all over him,” Octavia answered, squeezing her arms before stepping back from the hug. She handed Clarke a tissue from the bathroom counter. 

Wiping her eyes, Clarke grimaced, “Was it that obvious?”

“Mhmm. Does he know?” 

Clarke tucked her hair back behind her ear. “No. I can’t tell him. He’s got so much going on right now, getting used to being back in Arkadia with all of us, building his relationship with Julia, his therapy. He doesn’t need to worry about me on top of all of that.”

Octavia cocked an eyebrow up, her green eyes full of concern. “Clarke-”

She shook her head and cut Octavia off, “No, I just can’t put that on him right now. Besides, I can’t risk Julia’s relationship with her father for a stupid crush.”

“It’s not a stupid crush, and we both know it. You’ve loved him for five years now, maybe even longer. He deserves to know.”

“He deserves to be happy. And if that waitress makes him happy, then I’m going to keep my mouth shut.”

Octavia frowned, “I get that, I do. But I still think it’s worth you talking to him. Clearly you two had something years ago. And,” she paused to collect her thoughts. “And if you want my honest opinion, I think you make him happier than Bree ever could. Promise me you’ll think about talking to him, at least?”

Biting her lip, Clarke weighed her options, and decided it was best to nod, agreeing to think about talking to Bellamy. If she didn’t agree, Octavia wouldn’t let it go. And frankly, she just wanted to stop talking about all of this. She just wanted to go home and hide under her duvet. 

“I’m sorry I made this all about me,” Clarke apologized, and hoped to change the subject. “It’s supposed to be your night, with your exciting news. I’m so happy for you, you know.” 

Octavia smiled, and then said with a laugh, “I figured. I’m so glad you guys know now, I’ve been dying to tell you for weeks!”

Clarke steered the conversation toward Octavia’s pregnancy as she wiped the last of her tears from her eyes. And by the time they headed back to the table again, Clarke felt back to normal and ready to face the rest of the evening. 

“Everything okay?” Bellamy asked, his dark eyes looking up at Clarke as she sat back down. 

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Just celebrating my new aunt status,” she said easily, keeping the conversation on a topic she knew she could handle. 

Surprisingly, Clarke found that she did enjoy the rest of the night when the four of them were talking and planning for the new baby about to join their lives. 

But then Bree returned to the table with their receipt, and had the audacity to rest her hand on Bellamy’s shoulder while she found one more moment to flirt with him. 

Clarke fought to keep a scowl off her face and the realization dawned that if she and Bellamy were to date each other, there would be no change to their friend group, because she already considered his family her own. But if Bellamy were to date Bree, and bring her into their group dynamic, everything would change, and Clarke would become the fifth wheel. 

It felt like everything had returned to their version of normal with Bellamy back home safe in Arkadia, and Clarke wasn’t ready for anything to jeopardize that right now. 

Not Bree, not a confession of her own feelings, not anything. 

* * *

Bellamy woke up early the next morning, unable to fall back asleep. His thoughts had tossed and turned all night, preventing him from falling into a deep sleep. All he could think about was that everything was about to change. Again. 

Octavia and Lincoln were having a baby, and he was absolutely thrilled for them. But the nagging thought trailing behind the excitement was that he would have to move out. In a few months, they would need his room for their nursery. And that wouldn’t have been a problem if he had stopped chickening out and asked Clarke about the spare room at her house. But that plan had to be scrapped because Clarke had already offered the room for Madi to use on weekends. And who was he to take a safe space away from a child in the foster care system? 

And just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, Clarke had started acting weird around him, especially last night at dinner. He couldn’t figure out what was bothering her. He had even tried asking Octavia about it last night when he got back after dropping Clarke off at home, but his sister had brushed off his concern, saying he’d have to ask Clarke about it himself. 

Bellamy wondered if maybe Clarke had begun to notice how he felt about her, and if that made her uncomfortable. How he lingered giving her hugs, spent far too much time at her house, and stared at her for too long when he thought she wasn’t looking. 

Running his hands through his hair, he sighed in frustration. What was he going to do? The last thing he wanted to do was ask to crash on Miller’s couch until he could find a new place, so he knew he had to start putting together a plan. But taking steps toward that would be taking steps to slowly step away from being a daily part of Clarke and Julia’s lives, and he wasn’t quite ready to do that yet. 

Grabbing his glasses from the night table, he checked the time - 6:24 in the morning. If he got up now, and went over to Clarke’s, he could take Arlo out for a long walk up on Mount Weather. Hopefully, the fresh air and solitude could clear his mind and help him think. 

**...**

“Wow, Blake, you look like shit. What happened?” Diyoza said with a snort as Bellamy walked in her office. 

Tempted to give her the finger, Bellamy withheld and simply shot her a glare instead. 

When Diyoza didn’t say anything else, Bellamy finally filled the awkward silence by admitting, “I haven’t been sleeping well, alright.”

“And why’s that?”

He played with his keys, his fingers twisting and twirling the metal pieces, needing to tangibly release his nervous energy somehow. “I just can’t turn my brain off at night. I guess things were finally starting to feel okay, but now it feels like everything’s changing again.”

“And these changes are a bad thing?” Diyoza asked patiently. 

“Not bad. Just big. Really big.” He traced the edge of Clarke’s house key between his thumb and forefinger. “Octavia’s pregnant.”

“Well congratulations, Uncle Bellamy. That’s great news!”

“Yeah, but,” he winced slightly, scratching the back of his head. “O hasn’t said anything yet, but I know I’ll have to move out. They’ll need my room for the baby.”

Diyoza hummed in acknowledgement, and motioned for him to continue. Somehow between his exhaustion and his desperation for answers, Bellamy spilled all of his wandering thoughts out loud to his therapist. He told her about every worry and concern that kept him awake at night, figuring that if anyone was going to help him with any of this, it would be a paid professional. 

When he finished speaking, Diyoza whistled low under her breath. “No wonder you’re not sleeping, with all of that going on.”

Bellamy nodded slowly. “Yeah. So what should I do?”

Pressing her fingertips together, Diyoza thought for a moment. “Correct me if I’m wrong, Blake, but we both know I’m always right-”

Bellamy snorted out a laugh, but kept listening anyway. He needed all the help he could get.

“It seems to me, everything is revolving around two key factors,” his therapist continued. “First, obviously is the housing issue. I’ve never met your sister, but she doesn’t seem like the kind of person to kick her brother out of the house just because she’s having a baby - especially with the history you two have. And if the best thing is for you to find your own place to live, that’s not really a bad thing. It’s been wonderful for you to have the support of your sister and her husband these last few months, but a new place could offer more independence and freedom, which isn’t a bad thing. Plus, this isn’t the sort of thing that needs to be dealt with immediately. We’ve got some time to make a plan, to talk to Octavia, and figure out what’s best for you. Sound okay?”

Bellamy nodded again, a small wave of relief washing over him at Diyoza’s words. In theory, he already knew these things to be true, but it was reassuring all the same to hear her say it out loud. 

“And the second factor?” he asked. 

Diyoza flashed a wicked smile. “Don’t hate me for saying this one, but you’ve got to figure out your shit with Clarke, okay?”

His stomach flipped, and he was suddenly nervous to hear what she had to say. So he sent her a warning glance. 

She held up her hands innocently. “Just hear me out okay? Clearly you two have a history, and you’re still very much in each other’s lives with this whole ‘ _ platonic co-parenting’ _ you keep mentioning. But from my point of view, it might be more than that, and there might be very real feelings between you both. Especially what you feel for her, even if you won’t say it out loud.”

Bellamy began to play with the keys again, unable to meet Diyoza’s eyes. 

“I’m not saying it will be easy, but it’s a conversation you two need to have, to figure out what’s going on between you two. I understand that there’s added fear because you don’t want to risk your friendship or your relationship with your daughter. But it seems to me that you’re holding yourself back - that you’re stuck at a standstill until you figure out if you’re moving forward with Clarke as ‘platonic co-parents’ or as romantic partners.”

He bit his cheek, taking a moment to pause and think. “So what if I do talk to Clarke, and things end up terribly, and I lose her and Julia?”

“I honestly don’t think that would ever happen. But if this is something you want, you do need to talk to her. She can’t read your mind, and you can’t read hers. If you don’t try, you’ll never know.” 

Bellamy clasped his hands around his key chain, holding tight the keys that unlocked the doors and welcomed him inside his favourite places - Octavia’s house, the escape of his truck, and Clarke’s home. They were a physical reminder of everyone he held dear, and a stark reminder of everything he had to lose. 

“So was I right, or was I right?” Diyoza teased.

Bellamy shot her a withering stare, but was forced to admit that she was correct. He said goodbye, and promised to think about what she’d said. 

Climbing into his truck, Bellamy sighed deeply. He needed to go for a drive to clear his mind - to think, or rather not think at all. Either way, he knew he needed some time alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!! I'm so excited to share the last few chapters with you all! 💜


	16. Stay The Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the next chapter is here! hope you all enjoy! let me know what you think! 💜
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "We Might Fall" by Ryan Star

We should go to sleep now, you should stay the night  
I'll be up to watch the world around us live and die  
Lying on the grass now, dancing for the stars  
Maybe one will look on down and tell us who we are

**“We Might Fall” - Ryan Star**

Another week passed by, and Bellamy spent all of his time and energy playing with Julia and finishing up the basement renovations. He and Madi had picked out the paint colours - a Clarke approved soft shade of blue - and the job was almost done. Almost ready for Madi to use when she slept over once or twice a week after babysitting Julia. 

Somehow Bellamy managed to avoid all the other thoughts swirling through his head. Every time he was reminded of all the big changes to come, he distracted himself by diving into playing house at Clarke’s place. He told himself not to worry about moving out when he could take Julia to the park instead. And there was no point wasting time looking for apartment rentals when his time was better spent helping Madi with her English homework or cooking dinner for Clarke after she’d had a long shift at the hospital. 

Despite Diyoza’s guidance, he wasn’t any closer to making any decisions. Or having any life-altering conversations. The fear of the unknown kept holding him back, leaving him to constantly wrestle with the what-ifs. 

Bellamy thought he had been managing well, saving all his worries for when he was alone at night and couldn’t sleep, until Octavia called him out. 

“Bell, what’s up with you? You’ve been acting weird all week,” she said, stabbing a piece of cantaloupe on her plate. 

They were out for their weekly sibling bonding brunch, only Bellamy hadn’t realized Octavia planned to interrogate him as well. But then again, that shouldn’t surprise him as she always had a way of weaselling information out of him. 

“I’m fine, O. Really,” Bellamy said, and hoped it was convincing as he bit into a piece of crispy bacon. 

But his sister’s eyes flickered with mischief. “I call bullshit.” She skewered a strawberry onto her fork. “Is something wrong between you and Clarke?” 

“No, we’re fine,” He answered quickly, sipping on his coffee as he mulled over his thoughts. “Actually, remember how I asked why Clarke was acting weird last weekend?”

When Octavia nodded in recognition, he continued. “Well, it’s happened a few more times this week. Everything will be fine, and then out of the blue, she’ll distance herself. Has she said anything to you?”

“No,” Octavia shook her head. “Have you asked her about it?”

“Yeah, but she brushes it off, saying she’s tired from work. But I think it might be something else.”

“Hmm, that is weird,” Octavia replied. 

She took a sip of her tea. After a small pause, she looked up, catching his eye. “Actually, I was wondering about something else. I know you two had a thing years ago, because, well, I have a niece. Was that something that’s over for good, or..?” She trailed off her question, but the unspoken words laden with possibility carried a heavy weight. 

Bellamy shrugged, uncomfortable in his chair. It was suddenly too warm and stuffy in the diner. Suffocating. “I don’t know, O. Things, uh- they ended really badly last time, and I know I hurt her. We talked about it a few weeks ago, and she says she forgives me. But I could never expect Clarke to take another chance on me, even if I wanted to.”

Octavia sat quiet for a moment, pondering her next words. “Do  _ you _ want to? If she was open to giving you a chance?”

He shrugged, not wanting to admit anything out loud. It was easier to ignore those feelings, if he didn’t give them a voice. 

“Bell, do you still have feelings for Clarke?” Octavia asked bluntly, not satisfied with his half-hearted answer. 

Bellamy’s eyes stayed focused on his plate. He couldn’t look up without revealing the truth, because his sister could read him like an open book. 

Finally he sighed, and looked up. “Yeah. I do.”

“I thought so,” Octavia smiled kindly, softly tapping her fingers against the porcelain mug of tea. “I mean, you spend all your time at her place, and I know it’s not just to see Julia all the time.”

“You’re too smart for your own good, has anyone ever told you that?” he murmured, using his fork to push around the scrambled eggs on his plate. His appetite was suddenly gone now as his stomach was full of nervous butterflies at having admitted his feelings out loud. 

“Which is why you should listen to me when I say you should talk to Clarke. Tell her how you feel and just be honest. I think that would be good for you both.”

Bellamy scratched his jaw. “You think? O, we’re friends, and we have Julia to think about. How am I supposed to be around Julia if I tell Clarke that I’m in love with her and she turns me down? Will she want me to spend less time with Julia? Or look into sharing custody? I mean-”

“Whoa, slow down, Bell,” Octavia interrupted him. “The only person who can answer any of those questions is Clarke. Which means you have to talk to her.” 

He sighed, slouching back in his seat. “I hate that you’re right.”

She smirked, “What else are little sister’s for?”

“You can pay for breakfast,” he challenged, sliding the bill over to her side of the table. 

Octavia rolled her eyes. “Fine, but you have to promise to talk to Clarke. Okay? I can’t take any more mopey Bellamy around the house.”

“Fine,” he agreed, exhaling sharply and wondering why it felt like he was agreeing to an execution. Maybe because the conversation he’d promised to have with Clarke was doomed and likely to bring about the death of their friendship. 

**…**

Later that night, after reading Julia a few extra bedtime stories, Bellamy kissed his daughter’s forehead and wished her sweet dreams. 

As he stepped into the hall, his footsteps faltered, unsure of where he was headed. 

Normally, he would have no problem flopping down on the couch beside Clarke after Julia went to bed. Over the last few weeks he and Clarke had been slowly making their way through The Good Place on Netflix, one of Octavia’s highly rated suggestions, whenever Clarke wasn’t working. Those evenings were peaceful and relaxing in each other’s company, as they laughed together. 

But now, Bellamy hesitated. 

Stalling, he ducked into the washroom to give himself a few extra minutes to form a plan. Things had been off between him and Clarke all week, and he didn’t know how to get everything back to normal without asking Clarke about it again. And she would likely shrug it off, and say she must be tired from work, like she always did. 

He sighed, and ran a hand through his hair, making a mess of the already unruly curls. All of this would have been so much easier if Octavia hadn’t made him admit out loud that he was in love with Clarke. 

And as much as he hated to admit that Octavia was right, he really did have to talk to Clarke. 

Bellamy’s pulse quickened with nerves as he walked to the living room. 

Clarke was already curled up on her side of the couch, with a blanket over her knees, and Arlo asleep by her feet. “Hey, Julia’s asleep?”

Bellamy nodded, and sat down on his side of the couch, stretching out his legs to rest on the coffee table. 

“Want to watch the next episode?” she asked, remote already in her hand and navigating the buttons. 

“Actually, can we talk for a minute?” he paused, and bit his lip, watching for her reaction. 

“Oh, okay,” she agreed, sounding slightly surprised, but was quick to turn off the tv anyway. She swivelled on the couch so she was sitting facing him with full attention. “What’s up?”

Bellamy scratched his jaw, unsure of how to begin. It was a great plan in theory, but now he felt lost again. “You’d tell me if I did something wrong, or anything that made you uncomfortable, right?”

Clarke’s brow furrowed, “Of course. But you haven’t done anything wrong…”

“Okay then, maybe it’s just me, but it feels like something’s changed. It’s like you’re avoiding me at times, and then it’ll flip and we’ll be friends again. Like when we went out with O and Lincoln last weekend, everything seemed fine, but then you just withdrew and stopped talking to me.” He tried to explain, but it was hard to put his thoughts into concise words when he’d spent more effort working up the nerve to have this conversation in the first place. “And, we have Julia to think about, so I need to make sure that we’re good, that we’re still friends.” 

Clarke’s eyes dropped down to where her fingers had tangled in the blanket. “I guess you won’t buy it if I tell you I’m just tired from work again, right?”

Bellamy chewed on his lip, and turned his head to the side. “Not really, no. Just tell me what’s really going on. You can talk to me.”

Clarke exhaled loudly, and glanced up at him. Her blue eyes peeked out beneath her lashes for a single moment and suddenly he couldn’t breathe, caught in her stare. And when her gaze finally fell back to her hands, his lungs began to function again. 

“You’re right, it started at the restaurant. It’s just,” she paused, entangling her fingers in the fringe of the blanket once again, and sighing. “It was really weird for me to see you flirt with the waitress. And I know we’re not together, we never were, but you’re still Julia’s dad and my best friend, and you’re always going to be in my life. I guess, it just hit me then that there’s going to be a day when I might have to share Julia with you and your new girlfriend, and I’ve never had to worry about that before.” 

“Oh,” he mumbled. As he processed her words, Bellamy realized he had never come to the conclusion that she might be  _ jealous _ . 

Sure, the waitress was a flirt and kept giving him her number, but he never had any intention of ever calling Bree. But Clarke didn’t know that. And she made a good point, that for Julia’s entire life, Clarke had been the sole parent and never had to worry about sharing custody - but now that Bellamy was alive to be Julia’s father, there was a possibility of sharing Julia with a step-parent. He was reminded of how he felt when Clarke went out with the LA doctor to the gala, and knew he had to reassure her. 

“Clarke, you don’t have to worry about any of that, trust me.”

Her eyes flicked back up to meet his, her fingers pausing their movements, tangled in the blanket. “Really? But didn’t that waitress give you her number?”

Bellamy exhaled sharply, “Yeah, but I already threw it out. I was never going to text her.”

“But you could, you know, if you wanted to. If you want to start dating again, I’m not going to stop you. We’d just have to come up with a plan for Julia, one that we both agree on.”

“I’m not going to,” he reaffirmed, shaking his head to echo his words. “Honestly, being Julia’s dad is my number one priority. And besides, I’ve lost too many years with my friends and family, and I’d rather spend my time with people I actually care about - like you and O, Miller, and even Jasper and our other friends, before I worry about making new friends or going on dates.”

Clarke looked visibly relieved. “I’m so sorry, I can’t believe I was actually all weird and jealous. Julia and I are so lucky to have you around, and I just don’t want to have to share you with anyone else yet, if that makes sense.”

He swallowed the lump in his throat that formed at her words, as they echoed through his mind.  _ I just don’t want to have to share you... _ she had said.

“I get that,” Bellamy said finally, “But I’m the lucky one here, to have you both. After everything that happened these last few years, coming back home and having Julia around is a miracle I never expected.”

She looked up at him and smiled shyly, and the sight threatened to steal his breath away once more. “I know I’ve told you this before, but I’m so happy Julia gets to know you and have you in her life.”

Growing shy with the compliment, Bellamy picked at a loose thread on the cuff of his long sleeve shirt. “So, we’re good? You won’t avoid me anymore?”

“Nope, we’re good,” she affirmed, grinning up at him again. “So can we watch the next episode now? I’m dying to know what happens next?”

Bellamy chuckled at her excitement, “Let’s do it.” 

As the episode began, Clarke stretched out her legs on the couch, nudging her toes along his thigh. It was the most natural reaction in the world for Bellamy to lift her feet up so they could rest in his lap. His palm rested on her ankle, on the warm patch of her skin that was visible between her leggings and socks. 

While Bellamy didn’t exactly have the conversation he had promised Octavia he would have, he was thrilled that the tension and awkwardness between him and Clarke was gone. One day, he would have to work up the courage to tell her the whole truth of his feelings, but for now, in this moment he could find contentment in spending the evening by her side, laughing and sharing jokes with her. For now he would keep his secret to himself. 

He tried to concentrate on the show, but as his thumb slowly brushed against her ankle, back and forth over her soft skin, all he could think was  _ ‘I love you, I love you, I love you’. _

**…**

A few episodes later, Bellamy strained to keep his eyes open, his eyelids heavy with exhaustion. He had barely slept all week, kept awake by his constant worry about everything. Yet he didn’t want to leave, and had agreed to watch one more episode. Soon, a yawn escaped him, betraying his exhaustion to Clarke. 

Clarke’s feet, still tucked onto his lap, moved slightly and nudged him in the stomach. 

“Hey, sleepyhead,” she whispered, “You need to go to bed.” 

Bellamy nodded in agreement, and slouched further on the couch. With his eyes closed, he tilted his head against the back of the couch. 

He was vaguely aware of Clarke sitting up and scooting closer to him, but didn’t open his eyes until he felt her hand rest on his arm. 

“You’re too tired to drive or walk, so you should just stay here tonight, okay?” Clarke squeezed his arm, as she gently commanded, “Go take my bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch.” 

Bellamy opened his weary eyes, and frowned at her suggestion. “No, Clarke, I’m fine out here. I’m not taking your bed from you.”

She huffed, “Please, Bell, just take it. I insist.”

“Really, I’m fine out here,” he argued, shrugging his shoulders. “Besides, it’s a million times better than what I had for a bed in Azgeda.”

Clarke gasped. He watched her face crumple as his joke fell flat. “Bellamy,” she whispered his name, leaning her forehead against his shoulder as her arms hugged his bicep, holding him close. “You can’t say things like that.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, using his free hand to rub her arm, trying to comfort her from the pain he had caused with a few simple words. 

Taking a deep breath, Clarke sat back up. “There’s no way I’m letting you take the couch now.” She stood up and took his hand in hers, tangling their fingers together effortlessly. “C’mon, if you’re going to be a stubborn ass, we’ll just share the bed, okay?”

At the warmth of her hand in his, Bellamy lost all of his words. He simply lifted himself from the couch, and followed her as she led him down the hall and into her bedroom. 

Clarke finally dropped his hand when she had to rummage in her closet. After a moment, she pulled out an old worn pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that he recognized as his own, from another lifetime ago. 

“You clearly kept more of my clothes than you gave back,” he teased, accepting the clothing from her. 

She stuck her tongue out at him, “What? They’re so comfy, I wanted to keep them.” 

Bellamy laughed softly, making sure to keep his voice low so Julia wouldn’t wake up. 

Clarke shushed him, and shooed him off to the bathroom to go get changed, reminding him that there were extra toothbrushes in the mirror cabinet that he could use. 

By the time he came back to her room, Clarke had changed into her pyjamas, and slipped past him to go brush her teeth. Bellamy crossed the room to the far side of her bed, carefully lifting the duvet to sit on the soft sheets. 

He was well and truly fucked. 

How on earth was he supposed to fall asleep next to Clarke when she was wearing the tiniest shorts he had ever seen and yet another one of his old t-shirts. It looked ten times better on her than it ever did on him, especially because he could tell she wasn’t wearing a bra. There was no way Bellamy would be able to share a bed with Clarke, without part of him revealing that he was hopelessly in love with her. 

Sighing deeply, Bellamy laid back against the pillows and dropped his arm over his face, covering his tired eyes. Somewhere, out in the universe, the gods were laughing at him. He had spent every night during his captivity looking up to the stars, and wishing for just one more night with Clarke. Clearly the stars had heard his wish, but it wasn’t the way he wanted to have his wish granted. Once again, everything he wanted was so close, and yet so far away and out of his reach. 

His arm was still blocking his eyes, but he heard Clarke come back into the room, turn off the light, and settle into her side of the bed. 

“Goodnight, Bell. Sweet dreams,” she whispered, her head resting on a pillow just inches away from his own. 

He pulled the blankets up to his chest, “‘Night Clarke. You too.”

Bellamy took every effort possible to stay on his side of the bed, to keep a respectful distance between himself and Clarke. He thought he would lie awake for hours, his mind used to a constant parade of worries, which would likely be doubled with Clarke lying next to him. But by some miracle, he drifted off to sleep in a matter of minutes. 

**…**

Bellamy woke up feeling warm, comfortable, and well-rested - which immediately told him something was wrong.

Wait, not  _ wrong _ , just different. 

Blinking his eyes open, all he could see was a halo of blonde hair in the dim light of early morning. 

Clarke. 

Just like that, all the pieces fell into place as he remembered last night and how he had found himself agreeing to stay the night in Clarke’s bed. 

The warmth was Clarke. She was cuddled up right next to him, one arm thrown across his waist and her head resting on his chest. Bellamy’s own arm was wrapped around her back, holding her close to him. Though he distinctly remembered falling asleep with a wide distance between them and not touching in the slightest, they must have shifted in the night. 

And, fuck - he might not be ready to tell Clarke that he was in love with her, but his body had no problem giving away that secret, broadcasting his attraction for her with his tented boxers. 

_ Shit. _

Bellamy was tempted to just close his eyes and fall back asleep, to allow himself this one guilty moment of enjoying Clarke’s embrace - something he had craved for years. But he remembered that Julia would soon be on her way to crawl into bed with Clarke for a morning cuddle, like she did most mornings. And that could happen any moment now that the morning sunshine was beginning to peek through the blinds. 

Sighing, Bellamy carefully untangled himself from Clarke’s embrace, and slipped out of the bed to go use the washroom and take care of his problem. This certainly wasn’t the first time he’d woken up like this thinking of Clarke, but it was the first time it happened as he woke up next to her, holding her in her arms. 

He sat on the cold tiled floor in the bathroom for what felt like hours, letting himself wake up, and other parts of his body calm down. Clarke wasn’t his to think about like that, and the guilt sat heavy in his chest. 

There was no way he could go back to Clarke’s room after that, it felt wrong on many levels. He could take Arlo for a morning walk, or start breakfast - anything but returning to bed with Clarke and her impossibly tiny shorts and her warm embrace holding him close. 

Bellamy stepped back into the hall, ready to go make a pot of coffee in the kitchen. But he paused when he heard little footsteps, and the creak of Julia’s door swinging open. 

“Daddy?” Julia asked, rubbing her eyes as she stepped into the hallway, still half asleep. 

“Hey, Jules,” he waved, walking toward his daughter, and taking careful attention to avoid the squeaky floorboards. 

Julia lifted her arms up to him, and immediately snuggled into his neck once he picked her up. Deciding to let Clarke sleep in, Bellamy carried Julia over to the couch, where he sat down and cradled his daughter close to his chest. He kissed her hair, and pulled a blanket off the back of the couch to wrap around her back. 

Arlo got up from his dog bed, stretched, and hopped up on the cushion beside Bellamy. He reached out to scratch Arlo’s head, and the dog sighed peacefully.

Bellamy echoed a sigh of contentment, as Julia’s tiny fingers fisted around the collar of his shirt, anchoring herself closer to him. 

Last night had been a huge mistake. A mistake he couldn’t let himself make again. Bellamy had no right to be here, with Clarke and Julia, playing house. After everything he had done to Clarke, he didn’t deserve this, to be a family with them. He couldn’t keep playing pretend with them like this, not when he would never be able to earn this happiness after everything he had done. Clarke may have forgiven him out of the goodness of her heart, but he could never take back the words he’d said, the way he hurt her and abandoned her. Clarke and Julia deserved so much more than him - he was too messed up to be any good for them. 

* * *

* * *

When Clarke woke up, she instantly realized she was alone in her bed, which was strange for two reasons. First, her daughter normally came into her room for a morning snuggle before they got up for the day. Second, last night she had fallen asleep with Bellamy in bed beside her, and he had already disappeared. 

Lifting her arms in a big stretch, Clarke sighed happily, despite waking up alone. That was one of the best nights of sleep she’d had in a long time, and likely because Bellamy was lying next to her. She had woken up at one point in the middle of the night, and the space that had been between them at first had disappeared as they had both moved in their sleep. She had been wrapped comfortably in Bellamy’s arms, as he held her back to his chest. Feeling the gentle rhythm of his heartbeat and his chest moving as he breathed, Clarke had been lulled back to sleep, content to be held. His arms had been real for once, not made out of dreams or half-asleep fantasies. 

But now she was disappointed to find the bed empty, and wondered where Bellamy had disappeared to. 

Slipping an old hoodie over her pyjamas, Clarke meandered down the hall. The sight of Julia and Bellamy curled up on the couch together, watching cartoons in their pyjamas warmed her heart. 

In that moment, something funny must have happened in the cartoon, because Julia lit up with giggles, instantly turning to Bellamy to make sure he was laughing too. 

Smiling at the precious sound of their laughter, Clarke filled a mug with coffee, still warm in the pot waiting for her. Because of course Bellamy would have coffee ready for her. 

There was a knock on the front door, but before Clarke or Bellamy could move to open the door, it flung wide open. Madi strolled inside, waving hello as she kicked off her shoes. And then promptly flopped on the living room floor beside Arlo, resting her head on the sleeping dog’s middle, using him as a pillow. 

“Ah, morning Mads. You okay?” Bellamy asked, curiosity on his face. 

Clarke was used to Madi showing up like this, especially on the weekends when she needed a break from her foster home. But Bellamy wasn’t usually here in the mornings to sit and watch cartoons with Julia, so Madi’s sudden appearance was new for him. 

“Ugh,” the teen groaned, flopping an arm over her eyes. “Mrs. T. and her sister are watching  _ The Price is Right _ again. And her sister is the worst.”

“What did she say this time?” Clarke asked, before taking another sip of her hot coffee. 

“Nothing bad, Mrs. T. just told me to find somewhere else to be, and to stop antagonizing her sister.” Madi answered. 

Clarke raised an eyebrow and shared a look with Bellamy from where she stood, still leaning against the kitchen island. 

Madi sat up, and filled them in. “Well, they always watch reruns of the show. So I looked up the episode online, and found all the answers. So when they started making their guesses, I pretended to guess too, only I was saying the right answer. Long story short, her sister called me a witch, and Mrs. T. told me to get lost.” 

Biting her lip to contain her laughter, Clarke saw Bellamy hiding his own smirk in Julia’s hair. 

“Clever,” Clarke finally said, shaking her head. “You’re always welcome here, so make yourself at home.” 

“I’m good right here,” Madi replied, turning her head slightly so she could watch the cartoons on the tv while continuing to use Arlo as a pillow. 

Clarke finally crossed the room to join Bellamy and Julia on the couch, and tucked the corner of their blanket over her bare legs. 

It was heartbreakingly domestic. This was something she wanted for the rest of their lives, to wake up and have lazy Sunday mornings together, as a family. But it was heartbreaking to know it was all pretend, and they were just playing house to take care of Julia. 

She studied Bellamy for a moment, as he was fully attentive to their daughter. He made it seem as if watching nonsensical cartoons at nine o’clock on a Sunday morning with Julia was the highlight of his life. It was the little things like that, and that he had made her favourite coffee, and that he had let her sleep in, that made Clarke fall more and more in love with him. If it was even possible to be more in love with him than she already was. 

Sneaking another glance at Bellamy, Clarke wondered how she could get Bellamy to sleep over again. Only this time she would try to find a way for him to stay in bed until morning, so she could wake up in his arms. And if Julia woke up, she could come for a morning cuddle with both of her parents - a concept that was impossible to imagine only a few months ago.

Clarke sighed and mentally chided herself for those thoughts, kicking herself because it wasn’t _ real _ . Exhaling, she forcefully reminded herself that she and Bellamy weren’t dating or married - so that shouldn’t be something she even wants. 

Having Bellamy sleep over in her bed, and waking up in his arms wasn’t something she should want, because they weren’t together like that. But Clarke bit the inside of her cheek, realizing it was something she desperately longed for. Because she was hopelessly in love with Bellamy Blake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: *checks of 'sharing a bed' from my list of favourite fic tropes*
> 
> also me: okay, what's next?


	17. The Cause of Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love on the last chapter (and everyone screaming about how *slow* this slow burn is!)  
> here's the next chapter! let me know what you think! 💜
> 
> ** Heads Up: I've listed a few content warnings for this chapter in the end notes. Beware, spoilers! **
> 
> chapter title & lyrics below from "Satellite Call" by Sara Bareilles

This was written for the one to blame  
For the one who believes they are the cause of chaos in everything  
You may find yourself in the dead of night  
Lost somewhere out there in the great big beautiful sky  
We're all just perfect little satellites  
Spinning round and round this broken earthly life

**“Satellite Call” - Sara Bareilles**

“Ready or not, here I come,” Bellamy called to Julia as he opened his eyes and got up from the couch. His eyes scanned the living room and kitchen quickly, looking for any sign of movement. 

A soft rustling noise came from the kitchen, leading his light-footed steps in that direction. 

“Hmm, I wonder where Julia is? Arlo, have you seen her?” he mused to the dog sprawled out on the cool kitchen tiles, as he projected his voice so Julia could hear him. 

A teeny giggle echoed from the pantry cupboard. Bellamy loved his daughter, truly, but the three year old was not that great at the hiding part of hide and go seek.

Bellamy opened another cupboard, and sighed dramatically. “Oh, she’s not in here.” And then a different cupboard. “Not in this one, either! Where is she, Arlo?” 

Her giggles grew louder, and Bellamy couldn’t help but smile at how much fun he was having being Julia’s dad. He would never get tired of playing with Julia, or reading books with her, or snuggling on the couch watching a movie. 

And to think, only three months ago, he hadn’t even known Julia existed. 

Tiptoeing to the tall pantry cupboard, he carefully clasped the door knob, and quickly swung it open. “Aha!” he called, seeing Julia. 

Julia shrieked with excitement, “You found me, Daddy!” She held her hands up to him, and Bellamy easily scooped her up in his arms, peppering noisy kisses on her head which made her laugh. 

“You go hide, Daddy. It’s my turn to find you,” Julia commanded, wiggling to be put down and eager to continue their game. 

Bellamy agreed, and reminded her to close her eyes and count to twenty. 

As Julia’s little voice counted higher, Bellamy quietly walked to the bathroom, and slipped into the bathtub, so he was hiding behind the shower curtain. He had to bite his lip to keep from laughing when Julia forgot her numbers and went straight from twelve to eighteen to twenty. He made a mental note to keep practicing numbers with her later. 

There were no windows in the dark bathroom, and the little light coming in from the hallway was muted by the shower curtain. Taking a deep breath, Bellamy tried to keep his focus. He squeezed his hands into fists, reminding himself that it was the middle of the day, and he was safe at Clarke’s house - not trapped anywhere against his will. It was only a plastic shower curtain, not bars of steel or walls of stone. 

But the reminder didn’t help. 

Not this time. 

Bellamy’s pulse began to race, and the space where he stood seemed to grow smaller and smaller, as the walls pressed in against him. His lungs felt tight, and he gulped in air, hoping for a full breath of relief. But that didn’t help. 

Sinking down to the porcelain tub, he sat and rested his head on his knees, trying to control his breathing. Breathing in for five counts, and exhaling for eight counts. He couldn’t remember if those were the right numbers Diyoza had instructed, but it was better than nothing. It added up to thirteen, which was a lucky number, so that couldn’t hurt, right?

No, thirteen was bad luck.  _ Fuck _ . 

Everything echoed in the tiny space, and the sounds of his own shaky breathing overwhelmed his ears. 

Bellamy tried to refocus. Breathing in, and breathing out, as he chanted reminders to himself -  _ you’re safe, you’re free, you’re okay. You’re at Clarke’s, you’re playing with Julia, you’re okay.  _

He was so focused on his breathing and trying to calm himself down, that he didn’t hear Julia’s footsteps running throughout the house, or her little voice calling for him either. 

Breathe in, breathe out -  _ you’re okay, you’re safe, you’re okay.  _

He didn’t realize how much time had passed, or that Julia should have found him by now. After all, this wasn’t the first time they had played hide and seek, and this wasn’t the first time Bellamy had hidden here in the bathroom. Even though Julia wasn’t so great at the hiding part of the game, she was usually really good at finding him, especially with Arlo’s help. 

But Bellamy wasn’t worrying about that right now, as he focused on his breathing. Between the breathing and the mantras, something was working, and Bellamy began to calm down, relaxing ever so slightly as his muscles released their tension minute by minute. 

Breathe in, breathe out-  _ you’re okay, you’re--- _

He froze as a scream - Julia’s scream - echoed through the house. 

The sound pierced his soul. 

Flinging the shower curtain aside, Bellamy leapt out of his hiding spot, racing down the hall toward his daughter’s cries. 

Each shrill scream clawed at Bellamy, shredding his heart into pieces, as Julia cried out to him for help. “Daddy! Daddy!!”

He found Julia in the living room, crumpled on the floor behind the couch and holding her arm against her body. Tears streamed down her face as she sobbed, crying out for him. 

“It’s okay, Jules. I’m here. You’re going to be okay,” Bellamy said, eyes scanning her for injuries. Julia’s wrist was bent at the wrong angle, and his stomach churned at the sight. 

“It’s okay, baby. I know it hurts, but we’re going to fix it,” he whispered. He picked Julia up carefully, and carried her to the kitchen counter. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his long lost first aid training was speaking instructions, guiding him as he used a dish towel to wrap her arm in a makeshift sling. “Okay, Jules, let’s go to the hospital, and go find your Mom. She’s going to make it all better, I promise.”

The next moments blurred together, as Bellamy carefully strapped Julia into her carseat, and backed out of the driveway onto the road. She was still crying, and still in pain, and Bellamy wished more than anything that he could endure the pain for his daughter, to save her from suffering. He tried to call Clarke, but the call went straight to voicemail. Hoping Clarke would hear his frantic message in time to meet them there, Bellamy merged onto the highway. 

He focused on driving and getting to the hospital as fast as he could. The hospital was the answer. It was where the doctors would help his daughter, and where Clarke could be the parent Julia needed. A parent who helped fix her, and put together the broken pieces that had shattered on Bellamy’s watch. His carelessness had hurt Julia and the guilt flooded his heart. 

Thankfully it was a short drive there, but the minutes dragged on as Julia continued to cry in pain, despite his attempts at reassurance. His heart broke watching Julia’s tears stream down her face through the rearview mirror. 

Driving up to the Emergency Room, Bellamy pulled his truck into a free spot near the doors. It was only fifteen minute parking, but he couldn’t care less about getting a ticket or having his truck towed right now. Carefully unbuckling Julia, he gathered her precious tiny body in his arms. Her uninjured arm wrapped tightly around his neck, her little fingers latching onto his shirt while burying her face in his shoulder, her tears soaking through his shirt. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Jules. Let’s go find your mom, she’ll make everything better,” Bellamy whispered, kissing her temple as he took quick strides to the front door. 

Inside the doors, a nurse with a calm expression on her face gently asked what was the matter, and quickly directed Bellamy to take a seat in the waiting area. Bringing over a clipboard of paperwork for him to fill out, she let him know that someone was on their way over. 

Checking his phone, Bellamy saw nothing from Clarke, so he tried texting her. He should probably have her paged if he didn’t hear anything from her soon. 

Moments later, another nurse came over and directed Bellamy and Julia to an examination bed, with curtained walls for privacy.

“Good work on the sling, dad,” the nurse complimented as she crouched down in front of Julia and began to untie the towel. “My name’s Niylah. Can you tell me what happened here?” 

“She fell off the couch, landed on her wrist,” Bellamy answered, having pieced together what had happened between Julia’s sobs on the drive over. Gently, he brushed her dark curls away from her eyes, and carefully swept the hot tears from her cheeks. 

“Ouch!” the nurse said, delicately holding Julia’s swollen wrist, as she examined it. “You’re such a brave little girl! But don’t worry, we’re going to make it all better, okay?” 

Julia nodded, and another tear slipped down her cheek. She looked up at Bellamy, and teared up again. “I want Mommy.”

“I know, sweetheart. She’ll be here soon,” he answered, kissing her cheek softly. He checked his phone once again, but there was still nothing from Clarke. 

“Actually, could you do us a favour?” Bellamy asked the nurse. 

Niylah, who was tapping a few notes in the file on her tablet, looked up and nodded, “What can I help with?”

“Julia’s mom works here, but hasn’t answered my calls. Could you page her for us? Doctor Clarke Griffin.”

Niylah’s eyes grew wide with recognition as she looked over to Julia, and then back down at the information on the tablet, where Julia’s last name was listed as Blake in capital letters. “Oh my gosh, of course. I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was Clarke’s little girl right away.”

And to Julia, she added, “You have your mother’s eyes.” 

Niylah left the curtained area to make the call, and Bellamy couldn’t help but wonder why this nurse was so familiarly acquainted with Clarke’s eyes. 

“Daddy, I’m scared,” Julia whispered, looking up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Is Mommy going to be mad that I jumped on the couch and got hurt?”

“Oh, Jules, no,” Bellamy quickly reassured her. “Your mom is going to be happy you’re okay. She won’t be mad, I promise.”

Though it was very likely that Clarke would be angry, but not at Julia. She would be mad at Bellamy, for not watching Julia close enough and letting her get hurt. It was all his fault that their little girl was broken and crying. 

Niylah swished open the curtain again, “Okay, Clarke’s on her way down now. We’ll wait for her, but we’re going to need to do an x-ray to see the extent of the break. It’s likely a simple fracture, but we need to be sure.”

Exhaling sharply, Bellamy nodded at her words. “Will she need surgery, or a cast?”

The nurse smiled gently, “We’ll need the x-ray to be sure, but she will likely have a cast on for a few weeks.” 

Swallowing, Bellamy felt a miniscule amount of relief that Julia really would be okay. The nurses and doctors were here, and they would fix Julia from the mistake he made. 

Beyond the curtains, Bellamy heard the elevator doors ping. Over Niylah’s shoulder, he spied Clarke’s blonde head jogging through the ER towards them. 

Bellamy surprised himself at his audible sigh of relief. Clarke was here now, and everything would be okay. She would make everything better - for Julia, and for him. 

* * *

* * *

Clarke tapped her foot impatiently as she watched the neon red numbers in the elevator slowly climb down. How could she not have seen Bellamy’s calls or texts earlier? And could this elevator move any slower? Running a hand over her head in a futile attempt to smooth her hair back in it’s ponytail, she tried to calm down. But her little girl was in the hospital, so this was as calm as she could be. 

The elevator doors pinged open, and Clarke dashed out onto the ER floor, jogging across the waiting room to the examination beds, sectioned off by curtains. There was a gap in the curtains by one bed, and through the space she recognized a mop of dark brown curls and caught Bellamy’s eye. He looked as exhausted and haunted as he did when she first saw him in the hospital months ago, after she found out he was still alive. 

“Julia!” Clarke cried, seeing her daughter’s tear-streaked face. Julia was sitting in her dad’s lap, his arms around her, protective and holding her close. 

Clarke cupped Julia’s face in her hands, kissing her daughter’s forehead gently before pulling back and searching Julia’s eyes. “Oh, baby girl, what happened?”

Another tear passed down Julia’s cheeks, and Clarke swiftly wiped it away. 

“Daddy, you promised! You said Mommy won’t get mad,” Julia softly said, squirming around to look up at her dad. 

Clarke curiously watched the two of them interact, and then raised her eyes to meet Bellamy’s. 

“I promised Julia you wouldn’t get mad,” Bellamy began, and once Clarke nodded, he continued. “She was jumping on the couch, and fell off. Landed on her wrist.”

Her stomach flipped and grew nauseous at the thought of Julia getting hurt, and of the pain she must be in. And it killed her to know that on top of everything that happened, Julia was worried about getting in trouble because jumping on the couch was against the rules. 

“Oh, Jules,” Clarke sighed, leaning forward to kiss her daughter’s forehead again. “Mommy’s not mad at you, not at all, okay? You’re such a brave and strong girl, and we’re going to fix your wrist. We’re going to make it all better.”

Julia nodded. Clarke perched on the side of the bed beside Bellamy, reaching out to smooth Julia’s hair. She needed to touch her daughter, to have a physical and tangible reminder that Julia was still whole and alive. With the way that Bellamy was holding Julia close on his lap, she figured he was feeling the same way too. The last thing any parent wanted was to see their child in pain. 

“Who’s ready for an x-ray?” Niylah cheered, re-entering the curtained room. “Julia, would you like to sit in a wheelchair, or have your daddy carry you?”

Clarke walked beside Niylah down the hall to the x-ray machine, with Bellamy carrying Julia right behind them. 

“How are you holding up?” Niylah asked, placing a gentle hand on her arm. The nurse’s touch was warm and comforting, reminding Clarke of all the times she had sought comfort and escape in Niylah’s bed. But it wasn’t Niylah’s touch that Clarke craved for comfort right now. No, the arms Clarke wanted to be held by were currently holding Julia close and safe. Clarke couldn’t argue with that. 

“I’m fine, or I will be. Once Julia’s home and safe,” Clarke answered finally. 

Niylah nodded in understanding, moving her hand to rub Clarke’s back in reassurance as they arrived at the x-ray room. “Alright, Julia, who do you want to come with you? Mom or dad?”

Before Julia could answer herself, Bellamy whispered, “Go with your mom. She’s a doctor, so she knows what to do, right?”

Their little girl nodded, and Bellamy kissed her forehead once more before passing Julia into Clarke’s waiting arms. 

It was a fair point he’d made, that Clarke would know what to do because of her medical training. Without instruction from Niylah or the x-ray tech, she knew to put on the lead apron and where to have Julia sit. But Bellamy’s weary eyes told Clarke that something else was bothering him. Knowing Bellamy, he probably thought that Julia’s injury was entirely his fault, and his guilty conscience was eating at him. 

The x-ray revealed a fracture in Julia’s right wrist. However, the bones hadn’t lined up properly. This meant Julia would need a small procedure to reposition the bones, before having a cast put on. 

Clarke saw the look on Bellamy’s face and was quick to reassure him that this was a normal procedure, and Julia would be okay. At Clarke’s words, and only Clarke’s words - he had ignored Niylah’s explanation - did the worried creases on his forehead begin to disappear. 

Luckily, Clarke had a few strings she could pull, between her knowledge of the hospital and her last name. She sent a quick page to her friend, Dr. Nyko Woods, the best orthopedic doctor in the hospital, and he was able to squeeze Julia into his schedule. 

Forty minutes later, Clarke and Bellamy found themselves in the waiting room, watching the door for any sign of Julia, Dr. Nyko, or a nurse with news. Bellamy was slumped in his chair, likely exhausted and full of ill-placed guilt. Clarke paced the room, taking a few strides forward before spinning around and doubling back. 

It was a simple medical procedure, and Clarke trusted Nyko wholeheartedly, but it was crushing her to not be there beside her baby girl. Julia was only three, and already needed to be put back together. How could a tiny human be so perfect, and yet already broken? It wasn’t fair.

The emotion and the exhaustion caught up to her, and Clarke wiped away the tears brimming in her eyes, blurring her vision. Taking a shaky breath, she tried to calm herself down. A stray tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away with shaky hands. 

“Clarke, hey, it’s okay,” Bellamy said, his voice cracking with emotion. “Come here.” He stood up and opened his arms wide in invitation. 

Without a moment of hesitation, Clarke stepped into his embrace, letting his strong arms hold her close. Bellamy’s hands were warm on her back, and were the cure for the comfort she craved. At his touch, she knew everything would be okay, and began to let her guard down. Her tears fell onto the soft flannel shirt he wore, as she buried her face in the crook of his neck. 

“She’s going to be okay, Clarke,” he whispered, his voice barely audible yet entirely reassuring at the same time. 

Her arms were wrapped around his waist, but at his words, she tightened her grip because she didn’t want to let go anytime soon. Bellamy was here. He was here and everything would be okay.

“Thank God she’ll be okay. I was so afraid,” he admitted in a hushed whisper by her ear. His breath sent chills tingling down her spine and goosebumps along her arms. 

Without loosening her grip on him, Clarke lifted her head to see Bellamy, to meet his eyes. “Thank you for taking care of her, for bringing her here.”

His eyes searched her own for a moment, and then his throat bobbed as he swallowed. Silently, Bellamy freed one hand and tenderly cupped her face in his palm. His calloused hand was rough, but warm, on her skin. His thumb swiped across her cheek, collecting the tears that had escaped. 

Squeezing her eyes shut, Clarke leaned into his touch. Standing here with him, it felt right - it was wholly comforting and exhilarating at the same time. There could be no more denying that she was fully and completely in love with him. And for the slightest moment, she could pretend that he felt the same about her. 

With her eyes still closed, she felt his lips press against her forehead, a reassuring kiss. It took everything within her to not move her head, to not tilt her face up to his and kiss him back. 

Unaware of her intentions, Bellamy’s hand slid from her cheek to cup the back of her head, and he pulled her back into a tight hug. 

Exhaling a sigh of relief and comfort and contentment, Clarke nuzzled her nose into the soft flannel at his shoulder. Breathing in, she filled her lungs with his familiar woodsy scent, and it grounded her in the moment. It might not be a real kiss or a revelation of love, but being held in Bellamy’s arms was a treasure in its own right.

**…**

A few hours later, they were finally home. Julia was tucked into bed, already asleep thanks to some children’s tylenol, with her bright purple cast resting carefully on a pillow. It was already signed by her mom, her dad, Dr. Nyko, Niylah, and even Madi, who had been at the house to walk Arlo when Julia came home. 

What had been one of the scariest parenting days for Clarke, had surprisingly turned out to be an exciting day for Julia, who was being spoiled even more than normal. Niylah had brought Julia extra jello at the hospital, and Clarke had caved and bought McDonalds for dinner. And Julia was already excited to have all of her aunts and uncles sign her cast tomorrow. 

After taking a quick shower and changing out of her dirty scrubs into an old t-shirt and sweatpants, Clarke found Bellamy waiting for her in the kitchen. He was sipping on a glass of water and staring aimlessly out the kitchen window, even though it was dark outside. His reflection was a ghostly expression in the black window.

“Hey, you doing okay?” she asked, taking a seat on the stool beside him, and leaning her elbows on the cool countertop. 

Bellamy shrugged his shoulders. “Julia’s home and safe, and she’ll be okay now. That’s all that matters.”

Tilting her head to look up at him, Clarke murmured, “You matter too. You said you were afraid, when it happened?”

He held the glass tightly and exhaled, keeping his focus on hands as he spoke. “It was terrifying, Clarke. To hear her scream like that? It’s going to haunt me. I can still hear her when I close my eyes.”

She couldn’t even imagine what that must have been like. If she had been home when Julia fell, she would be haunted too. 

Leaning her head against his shoulder, Clarke softly reassured, “I’m not upset with you, you know that right? It’s not your fault at all. Accidents happen, and I’m just glad you were here to take care of her.”

Bellamy tensed up beside her, his forearms straining as his hands clenched tightly. “But that’s just it, Clarke. It shouldn’t have happened, accident or not. I mean,  _ shit _ , you don’t even know what really happened, and I- I can’t be a good father to Julia. Not like this, I’m too messed up.”

Swivelling in her seat to face him, Clarke placed one hand tenderly on his forearm. “Okay, then tell me what happened. I promise I still won’t blame you.” 

But Bellamy pulled his arm away from her touch. 

Scrubbing his hands over his face, he stood up and began pacing back and forth in the kitchen. “We were playing hide and seek, and it was my turn to hide. So I hid in the bathroom, like I’ve done many times before, only this time I had a  _ fuckin’ _ panic attack. And while I was trying to, you know, survive that and calm down, Julia was all alone in the house. Next thing I know, I’m hearing her scream.”

“Oh,” Clarke watched him, her eyes tracking his movement back and forth across the kitchen. Bellamy was growing more and more agitated by the second. “Do you have these panic attacks often? I know it’s none of my business, but I want to help, if you’ll let me.”

Throwing his hands up to his head in frustration, it seemed as if he were trying to rip out his hair. “What do you think, Clarke? Of course I have panic attacks, all the  _ fucking _ time. Nightmares too. But that’s exactly it. That’s the point - I’m too messed up to be around you and Julia.” 

Bellamy paused, shaking his head as he stopped mid-step to reach out for his glass of water for a drink. He held it halfway to his lips, before lowering it again, continuing to speak. “I’m no good for her, or for you. How can I ever be a good father to Julia if I can’t keep her safe in her own damn house?!”

To accentuate his point, Bellamy brought the glass back to the countertop - only he didn’t realize the strength behind his movement. In an instant, the glass shattered, exploding across the countertop. A large piece of glass sliced across his palm. Dark red blood burst across his skin, dripping onto the counter and glass shards. 

Clarke froze in shock, as an eerie silence echoed through the house. 

Bellamy’s face was lined with horror and pain at what had happened. 

Her own stomach flipped at the sight of blood on the counter. Normally she was okay with blood, in fact, she saw it every day at work. But this was different, this was Bellamy’s blood. The man she loved was broken and bleeding right in front of her, but Clarke could only sit there, frozen and helpless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: details of panic attacks, broken bones, blood 
> 
> thank you for reading! keep an eye out for the last two chapters - I'll be posting them sooner so that this fic is complete before the year ends! 💜


	18. This Love Is Pain; Let's Love Tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and next update, here we go! this chapter picks up right where the last one left off. hope you all enjoy! 😉
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "Let's Hurt Tonight" by OneRepublic

So you hit the lights and I’ll lock the doors  
Let’s say all of the things that we couldn’t before  
Won't walk away, won't roll my eyes  
They say love is pain, well darling, let's hurt tonight  
If this love is pain, then honey, let’s love tonight  
 **“Let’s Hurt Tonight” - OneRepublic**

“Shit,” Bellamy muttered, staring helplessly at his bleeding hand. Dark red droplets fell onto the countertop. 

Inhaling a sharp breath, Clarke jumped into action. “Here, wrap this around your hand gently,” she said, tossing him an old, but clean, tea towel. “Don’t move, I don’t want you to step on any pieces of glass.”

Taking a careful step off of her stool, Clarke jogged to the front door and slipped on a pair of shoes. Grabbing the broom and dustpan, she quickly swept up the glass shards from the floor. She’d have to vacuum the kitchen floor to be sure she’d cleaned up every tiny piece, but she could do that after she fixed Bellamy’s hand. 

While Bellamy found his seat at the counter again, perching on a stool and taking care to not drip blood everywhere, Clarke went grab her first aid kit from under the bathroom sink. 

Kit in hand, she quickly peeked inside Julia’s room, relieved to find their daughter still fast asleep despite the noise and commotion. 

“Okay, let’s see how deep that cut is,” Clarke said softly, as she returned to the kitchen with the first aid kit. She peeled back the tea towel, swallowing down the nausea that rose seeing the dark red stain from Bellamy’s blood. It was just blood from a small cut, and she was a doctor, she should be able to handle this.

But it was Bellamy. She just got him back in her life, and he wasn’t supposed to get hurt. He’d already experienced more than enough pain for one lifetime. 

Peering closely at the cut, she grimaced. “Yikes, that’s pretty bad, Bell. It’s gonna need stitches.”

Bellamy didn’t say anything, only nodding slightly at her words. He bounced his legs in a fast, steady rhythm, releasing his anxious energy. Clarke half expected him to bolt out of the kitchen, he was so antsy. 

“Do you want me to take you to the hospital? Or I can stitch you up here?” She tried to make eye contact, but he stared resolutely at the counter, not looking up. 

“Just do it here,” he grunted, running his uninjured hand over his face. 

Clarke set to work, gathering everything she would need to clean his cut, stitch it up, and bandage it. “You’re sure?” she asked, checking once more before she started, as she held the needle poised above the open slice on his palm. 

Bellamy’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. His voice was rough, yet determined. “Just get it over with. Please, Clarke.” 

He grimaced as she set the first stitch, the only sign of weakness in his brave demeanour. 

“You can’t hurt yourself like this, Bell,” Clarke whispered as she worked, “You can’t scare me like this. I just got you back - you have to take care of yourself.”

She didn’t look away, completely focused on sewing even stitches with steady hands, but she heard him exhale slowly. 

“Sorry.” 

Silence covered the kitchen as Clarke pierced the needle through for another stitch. 

“I’m trying,” Bellamy said, finally. “For you, for Julia. And O, and the baby. It’s just too much sometimes, and I can’t- I can’t…”

He hissed in pain at the next stitch and Clarke quickly apologized but continued working. 

“I wished for so long to be able to come home again, I just never imagined I’d be this messed up if I did,” Bellamy admitted. “It’s like I’m ruining everything, and- and sometimes I wonder if you’d all be better off if I didn’t come back.”

Clarke paused, the needle hovering above his hand, as she lifted her gaze to his. “Don’t you dare say that, Bell. Yeah, there’s a lot of shit to work through, because you went through hell to get back to us. But don’t you dare, for one second, think any of us are better off without you. Not Octavia. Not Julia. And definitely not me. Trust me, you’re not ruining anything.” 

Clarke held his gaze, daring him to agree. Finally, Bellamy whispered, “Okay,” and his shoulders dropped, as he released the anxious tension. 

“I’m serious,” Clarke continued, “You’re a great father, and Julia is the luckiest girl in the world to have you looking out for her. You’re _alive_ \- you’re here and you love her, that’s all Julia needs from you. And we’ll deal with everything else together, okay? You’re already working through a lot of this in therapy, and that’s going to pay off, I promise. And I can help with the panic attacks if you’ll let me. None of this makes you any less of a great father or a great friend. Okay?”

Bellamy blinked, processing her words. Clarke hoped he understood how much she cared, how much she wanted to help and be by his side through all of this. 

“Okay. Together,” he agreed, tilting his head to the side as he looked back down to the cut on his hand.

Turning her attention back to Bellamy’s injury, Clarke pulled the final stitch through his skin, and bandaged up the wound. 

“Thanks, uh, for this,” he said, waving his bandaged hand, “For everything.” He stood and reached for the soiled towel. 

But Clarke shooed him away, “No, I’ve got it.” 

Bellamy opened his mouth, likely to insist on helping, but his phone buzzed loudly on the counter, grabbing both of their attention. 

The phone was next to Clarke, and it was impossible to not see the lit up notification. And of course, Bellamy had never turned off the text message preview. So she could plainly read the text from Bree, inviting Bellamy out for a drink. 

“Bree? That’s the waitress, right? You should go,” Clarke said, a little too quickly and a little too upbeat. She hoped her voice wouldn’t betray the disappointment she felt - because Bellamy had promised her that there was nothing to worry about with Bree, that he’d thrown out her number. But here it was, showing up as a saved contact on his phone. 

Bellamy raised his eyebrows in surprise. “What? Oh, no. I can ignore that.” 

Clarke turned away from him, hiding her face as she threw out the bloody towel and gauze. “It’s fine, Bell. If you want to, you should go.”

“I don’t want to go,” he answered, his voice was steady. Rather than saying anything else, he grabbed a disinfectant spray from under the sink and roll of paper towel, and began to clean up the bloody countertop. 

They worked in silence for a moment, cleaning up the mess, before Clarke spoke up again. “Actually, um, that reminds me that we should probably figure out a custody plan for Julia. You know, for when you start dating someone.”

“Clarke, that’s literally the last thing we should be worrying about right now,” Bellamy said, but Clarke quickly cut him off as she rambled. 

“I know, I know. But it’s been on my mind. It would be weird for you to have to bring a girlfriend here to see Julia all the time,” she reasoned. 

Bellamy started to argue, but his phone buzzed loudly again, catching their attention. Another text from Bree. 

Clarke’s chest constricted, jealousy rising within her. Her memory flickered back to the hospital waiting room earlier that afternoon. She’d thought she and Bellamy had a moment then, a moment of possibility, teasing her with hope of a future. But if Bellamy had given his number to Bree, then he had lied to her. And who knew what else he was lying about. 

“You should answer that. You don’t want Bree to think you’re ignoring her,” Clarke said, a sharp edge in her voice escaping as she cocked her eyes at him. It was a silent challenge, daring him to pick up his phone and make plans with another girl. 

Placing both palms on the freshly cleaned counter, Bellamy held her stare. “Why? You want me to start dating her, so you don’t have to feel bad for me while you jump into that nurse’s bed?”

Clarke gasped, taken aback at his words, and the anger hidden in each syllable. “Wait, what the hell are you talking about?” 

Bellamy bit his lip, and tapped his thumb impatiently on the counter. His eyes were dark and brooding, and Clarke had no idea what was running through his mind. “I saw you at the hospital with her, with that nurse, Niylah. If you want to date her, just go for it. You don’t have to pretend like you’re worried about me.” 

“What? No. There’s nothing between me and Niylah. Not anymore. Sure, we used to hook up, but that was months ago. It was before- It’s over now.” Clarke ran her hands through her damp hair in frustration as she tried to explain. Why was Bellamy bringing this up, when he was supposed to be agreeing to dating Bree, and finally ending whatever weird tension was between them. Finally ending all the unspoken what-ifs, fleeting hopes, and moments of pretend. 

“If you say so,” he acquiesced, his shoulders drooping as the fight let him. “Look, you can date if you want to, but I told you I’m not ready for that yet. I don’t even know how Bree got my number, Murphy probably put it in my phone as a joke the other night.” Bellamy picked up his phone, and deleted the texts without replying, before shoving it in his back pocket. “If you want to look at custody arrangements, then sure, we can do that. But please know that I’m good with the way things are right now.”

Before she could reply, Bellamy left the kitchen toward the front door. Grasping the doorknob, he called over his shoulder, “Just tell me what you want, Clarke. Whatever you decide, I’ll respect that.”

Bellamy left the house, and the door clicked shut behind him. It was a sign of finality, an ending. But it wasn’t the answer Clarke had been expecting. She had been waiting for him to break her heart again, by choosing another woman. But instead, Bellamy had seemed more hurt by her words. Hurt that she was pushing him away, again. She couldn’t let him leave like this. 

Moving quickly, before she could talk herself out of it or change her mind, Clarke followed him out the front door. Scanning her eyes down the driveway, and along the sidewalk, she couldn’t find his silhouette in the soft glow from the streetlights. He must have been in a hurry to leave, and she couldn’t even chase after him, not with Julia asleep in the house. 

“Bellamy,” she whispered, her voice cracking as she covered her face with her hands. How had she let Bellamy get away? This was all so stupid. Why couldn’t she just work up the courage to tell him how she really felt? At least all her cards would be out on the table then. If only she hadn’t pushed him away. 

Behind her, the porch swing creaked in the wind. 

“Clarke?” 

* * *

* * *

Bellamy watched as Clarke jumped, startled at the sound of his voice. Her hands flew to her chest, landing over her heart. She stared at him, where he sat on the porch swing. 

“I thought- I thought you left?” Clarke asked, confusion lining her face, quickly glancing back to the sidewalk where she thought he’d disappeared to. She crossed her arms and shivered slightly in the cool night air. 

Bellamy shook his head, and explained. “No, I needed some fresh air. Being outside helps me think.” The fresh air, the darkness, and the stars in the sky all helped calm him down. The last few minutes in the kitchen had been overwhelming, and he needed time to collect himself, to make sure he didn’t say anything else that he’d regret. 

“Oh,” Clarke took a few steps toward him and sat down next to him on the swing. 

Bellamy’s skin was instantly abuzz at her closeness, the smell of her shampoo filling his nose. All he wanted to do was close the distance between them and hold her in his arms again, like he had that afternoon. To bury his face in her hair and inhale her scent.

“And what were you thinking about?” Clarke asked timidly, picking at her nails while she snuck a quick glance up at him. 

Bellamy began to rock the swing gently back and forth. He was always in a constant state of motion when he was nervous or anxious, either bouncing his knee, tapping his fingers, or rocking the swing like this. 

And he was truly nervous, because he couldn’t put this off any longer. It was what he realized in the kitchen earlier, when Clarke was staring him down. She was still jealous of Bree, even though he had told her there was nothing to worry about. And now that Bellamy knew there was nothing going on with Niylah, he felt compelled to tell her how he really felt. Even though it fucking terrified him. 

“Bell, please,” Clarke added, placing a hand on his forearm. “I’m sorry for what I said inside. You can talk to me.”

Taking a deep breath, Bellamy looked up at the night sky, and found the stars shining there. Somehow, the tiny pinpricks of light reminded him of where he had been only a few months ago - trapped and helpless - and of how far he had come since then. Back then, Bellamy would have given anything for the opportunity to fix things with Clarke. And with that reminder, somehow, Bellamy found the courage he needed to continue. 

“Clarke,” Bellamy turned his head to look at her, as he whispered her name, reverent like a prayer. For a miniscule second, his breath caught in his throat at the sight of her. He could get lost in her ocean eyes. “If I’ve learned anything in the past few years, it’s that life is far too short and far too unpredictable to leave things unsaid. So I need you to hear this, okay? This whole thing about figuring out a custody plan for Julia, well, I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to have to share Julia with anyone else but you.”

“Okay, we can-” Clarke began to say. 

“No, let me finish. Please,” Bellamy cut her off, turning more fully in his seat and resting his arm along the back of the swing. Clarke stayed quiet, so he took another calming breath, and began to speak, hoping his voice would stay steady. 

“Being here, and spending time with Julia, and you, it’s- well, I love it. This life, it’s better than anything I could have imagined. And, I’m sick of us playing house and pretending that we’re a family during the day, and then not once Julia’s asleep. Clarke, I want this for real. I want this life, all of it - to be Julia’s dad, and to live here so I can see you and hold you both every day. I want to fall asleep next to you, and wake up with you in my arms.” 

His voice cracked with emotion, but he persisted, as his words flowed faster than he could comprehend. “I want a future with you, Clarke. To raise Julia with you and grow old with you. I- I want you. I love you.” 

His heart was pounding, as he watched Clarke closely for a reaction. She was unmoving, as if paralyzed in shock at his words, as if it were the very last thing she expected to hear. All of Bellamy’s doubts and fear began to run wild in his mind, crushing any hope he still held. 

_Fuck_. This must be how Clarke felt all those years ago, down by the river that summer, when their roles were reversed, before he rejected her. 

_Shit!_ He had clearly made a mistake, he shouldn’t have said anything. 

Suddenly Clarke moved toward him, her hands coming up to rest on his shoulders, pulling him closer as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. 

It was a single, tentative kiss, yet one full of promise and possibility. Clarke pulled back slightly and met his gaze, and her smile was uncontainable. 

“I love you too, Bell,” Clarke whispered back, her voice delicate. 

Bellamy was in awe of her, of the love he could now clearly see in her eyes. 

He surged forward to kiss her again. Now that he had tasted her lips again, there was no stopping him. He was powerless to resist her. 

He was kissing Clarke, and she eagerly kissed him back. He reached for her, gripping her waist, and sliding her closer to him along the seat of the porch swing until she was practically in his lap.

It was a battle of lips and tongues. Full of passion and desire. A kiss over four years in the making. 

Her kiss felt like coming home. And this was where Bellamy belonged. 

Bellamy tangled his bandaged hand in her hair, not wanting to let her go anytime soon. If he could have his way, he’d never let Clarke go again. 

Eventually, Clarke pulled back again, resting her forehead against his as she inhaled, catching her breath. Bellamy pressed one more kiss to her cheek, before leaning back himself, so he could see her face. Clarke’s lips were flushed and swollen, and curled into a wide smile. 

“I love you, Bell. I never stopped loving you,” Clarke confessed, tangling her fingers with his own, and squeezing gently. Then she laughed, her hair swaying side to side as she shook her head. “Why didn’t you say anything sooner?” 

A laugh escaped him before he could stop it. “I might’ve, if I knew you’d react like that.” That made her giggle.

Bellamy ran a hand through his hair, still in disbelief that he had finally told Clarke how he felt, and miraculously she felt the same way. “I was scared, there was too much on the line. I couldn’t risk losing my best friend, or our daughter if this went south. I’d rather settle for being your friend than not having you in my life at all.”

Clarke looked up at him through her eyelashes. The vulnerability and intimacy in her stare had him wanting to kiss her again. So he did, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. 

“I was scared too,” she whispered, her breath warm against his mouth. “I just got you back, and you were getting to know Julia. You had so much going on, and I didn’t want to overwhelm you or scare you away.” 

“I’m not going anywhere,” Bellamy answered, brushing his lips against hers. “I’m so in love with you,” he said, just because he could, and because it was true. 

Clarke wound her arms around his neck, meeting his lips with hers. With his hands at her waist, Bellamy pulled her fully onto his lap, so she was straddling him. Angled above him, Clarke deepened the kiss, her tongue teasing his again. When her fingers carded through his curls, he couldn’t help but moan at her touch. This was home and heaven all at once. 

Bellamy moved to kiss her neck and the hollow under her ear, remembering how Clarke had enjoyed that years ago, and was rewarded with her soft moan of contentment. His hands slipped under her shirt and Bellamy traced the warm skin along her spine, as her own hands moved across his back. 

Moving one hand to her head, he ran his fingers through her blonde hair, still the teeniest bit damp from her shower, reminding Bellamy of how much had happened in the last thirty minutes. And he wouldn’t change it for the world, because it had led them here. 

Using her hands to pull his mouth back to hers, Clarke kissed him soundly. 

“Stay,” she whispered against his lips, “Stay with me tonight.” 

Letting his kiss serve as his answer, a wholehearted yes, Bellamy held her steady, gripping her waist under her shirt. Or rather, his old shirt. Running his thumb along the soft skin of her belly, she shivered at his touch. Or maybe she was cold in the cool night air. Maybe they should go back inside the house where it was warmer. 

“Let’s go inside,” Bellamy murmured softly, lifting his hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. The bright white of the bandage seemed to glow in the moonlight, as he gently caressed her cheek. 

Clarke bit her lip, swollen from his kisses, and nodded. Her eyes sparkled with a hint of mischief, a look all too familiar from their summer together. She climbed off his lap, and reached for his hands. 

Entwining their fingers, Bellamy stood up, and followed the woman of his dreams inside. 

Once they stepped into Clarke’s room, Bellamy nudged the door shut at the same time as he gathered Clarke into his arms, searing another kiss on her lips. Pinning her against the closed door, he laid a trail of kisses down her neck and along her collarbone. 

The sound of faint clink grabbed his attention, and he looked up. 

Clarke’s mischievous grin threatened to undo him right then and there. “I’ve never had to use the lock on my door before,” she whispered slyly, her cheeks flushed and half out of breath from his kisses. 

“I feel like we’ll need to use it all the time now,” Clarke teased, chewing on her lip as she looked up at him through her eyelashes. 

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” he growled, surging forward to kiss the grin off of her face. He locked their lips together, and he pulled her into his tight embrace. 

As he slipped her shirt up and over her head, he was thrown by a strange sort of deja vu. They had done this before - many times - tearing off each other's clothes, stealing kisses in dark shadows, and chasing pleasure over and over. Only, this time wasn’t like the other times they’d hooked up. Four years had passed, and this moment seemed bigger, and far more real and permanent than a wild summer fling. Somehow, despite the crazy and chaos they had endured, he and Clarke had found their way back to one another. But this time he wouldn’t let her go. Never. And this time, he would tell her he loves her, in the forever sort of way. 

Seeing her, standing in his arms, wearing only a navy bra, Bellamy lost all rational thought. It had been a _long_ four years, and he was certainly eager. He moved forward on instinct, kissing her shoulder as his fingers teased the waistband of her sweatpants down. No longer thinking, he gave himself over to his needs, following his desires. 

Clarke met him kiss for kiss, touch for touch. Her hands skillfully pulled his shirt up and over his head. She took the time to smooth her palms along his chest, caressing his skin and tracing new scars, before deftly moving her hands down to his belt, unhooking it easily. He chose that moment to snap open the clasp of her bra, which she happily pulled off of her shoulders, letting her bra fall to the floor. 

Not to be outdone, he pushed his jeans over his hips, and kicked them off his feet. They were standing in front of each other, naked save for her underwear and his boxers. 

“You’re beautiful,” Bellamy whispered, gently breaking the silence between them, as he cupped her face in his hands. 

Clarke didn’t answer. Instead, she blinked her bright blue eyes at him once, then leaned forward with a kiss, crowding close to him. With her palms flat on his chest, she pushed against him. Bellamy took two steps backward at her guidance, until he felt the bed against the back of his knees. 

With his hands firmly at Clarke’s waist, he spun them around, moving her down to the bed while he followed, chasing her kiss. Discarding their final bits of clothing, they held each other close, skin on skin, and kiss after kiss. Their hands were constantly moving, touching, and exploring. It had been over four years since Bellamy had held Clarke like this, and he was eager to relearn her, mapping her curves with his hands and his mouth. 

Kissing her deeply, their bodies collided with fiery touch, and Bellamy lost himself in the pleasure. 

**…**

Blissed out and spent, Bellamy pulled Clarke into his arms, burying his nose in her hair. 

Now that he had found his way back to Clarke, he was never letting go. He had a feeling she felt the same, from the way her own arms wrapped around his waist, holding him as tightly as he held her. 

“I can’t believe this is real,” Bellamy admitted, his words muffled by her silky hair.

“Me neither,” Clarke agreed, her breath tickling his skin. “But it’s about damn time, though.” 

His shoulders shook as he laughed lightly, both at her words and the ridiculousness of their situation. Who could blame them, though, wanting to give the other space for happiness, yet failing to realize that being together was exactly what they both craved. _Idiots_ , as his sister would say, idiots in love. 

Steadily, his fingers trailed a path up her arm, across her back and shoulders, and through the ends of her hair. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner, I just-” he paused to gather his words. “I just never thought you would want this again, want _me_. Especially after the way I left-”

“Bell,” Clarke said softly, trying to cut him off. 

But he shook his head, and propped himself up on his elbow, “No, let me say this. I felt like I couldn’t say anything about how I felt about you because you deserved so much more than me. After breaking your heart and leaving the way I did, and then abandoning you to be a single mom for years-”

“You didn’t _abandon_ me!” Clarke huffed, interrupting him again with a scowl on her face, a scowl that was far more cute than intimidating. “You had no choice-”

Bellamy cut her off with a swift kiss, because he could do that now. “I know that now. That’s what I’ve been working on in therapy, learning that I can’t decide what you deserve. You deserve the truth, that’s all. And then you get to decide what you do with it.”

Clarke hummed, her nose brushing his jaw. “And that truth is… you love me?” Her voice was teasing in tone, yet his heart still skipped a beat at the weight of her words.

“One thousand percent,” Bellamy replied confidently, tickling her side. “I love you. To be honest, I think I’ve been in love with you since the beginning of that summer, I was just too scared to admit it then. And- and then it was too late.”

“But you’re here now,” Clarke said firmly, placing her palm over his heart. “And you love me. Which is perfect, because I love you. So you’re never getting me rid of me now.” 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Bellamy whispered, his lips ghosting across her temple as he dropped back down to the bed and pulled her closer, if that was even possible. 

After a quiet moment, Clarke spoke up again. “You’re a good man, Bell, the best man I know. You are worthy, and you deserve this love.”

Closing his eyes, Bellamy tried to comprehend her words, but they seemed far too generous. Instead, he ducked his face into the small hollow of neck, as if he could hide away there. 

“I’m serious. You have to believe me,” she insisted, her fingertips trailing along his arm raising goosebumps on his skin.

Bellamy exhaled, turning his head slightly away from his neck to speak. “I’m trying to. But some days it’s hard to believe it.”

Clarke pressed a gentle kiss to his hairline, but he could hear her brain spinning as she mulled over her thoughts. “What if we work on this together. Do you think you can try to tell me when you’re feeling low, and having a bad day? And then I’ll know to do two things.”

He raised an eyebrow, curious at her plan. “That sounds manageable. What did you have in mind?”

“First, I’m going to keep telling you how much I love you, and how much you deserve to be loved,” she replied, her fingertips raising more goosebumps as she traced designs on his shoulder. 

“And the second?” Bellamy asked, his voice ragged enthralled by Clarke’s touch and captivated by her presence. 

The mischievous glint returned to Clarke’s eyes as she answered, “Well, if you won’t believe my words, then I’ll just have to show you how much I love you, prove it to you that way.”

Before Bellamy could process her words, she trapped him in a kiss, securing her hands to his shoulders, anchoring him close. 

Bellamy kissed Clarke back until he couldn’t breathe, and when he finally pulled away, a breathy laugh escaped her swollen lips. 

“I think I can get behind that plan,” Bellamy whispered back, keeping her close as she sighed happily resting against his chest. 

It had been a long and exhausting day for them both, from the scariest moments to the exciting highs. And now they were both far too tired to do anything other than enjoy each other’s quiet company, which was exactly what they had both craved for years. 

Together, they whispered for a while longer, sharing more secrets and kisses. Bellamy’s fingers began to trail over her body, rediscovering his favourite curves, and exploring new marks and scars. He was so incredibly happy, here in love and in bed with Clarke. It was a dream come true. By her side, Bellamy felt wholly at peace, and eventually followed Clarke into a deep, restful sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah, so? are you happy now? let me know what ya think! 💜


	19. The Only One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhh, THANK YOU for all the love on the last chapter. I appreciate each and every one of you so much! So this final chapter is for you, my lovely readers. 💜
> 
> chapter title and lyrics below from "Honeybee" by The Head and The Heart

Look around  
We made a garden of the love we found  
So many reasons I would fight to stay  
You’re the courage when I fade  
Take a look at what we’ve made

But here we are, after all the messes and confessions  
To the scars that we never really owned as ours  
And if our world comes tumbling down  
I never could forgive myself for leaving out  
You’re the one  
You are the only one

**“Honeybee” - the Head & the Heart**

Feeling the soft press of a kiss on her forehead, Clarke blinked her eyes open. Instantly, she was full of joy that Bellamy’s warm brown eyes were the first thing she saw. He held her close against his chest, with one hand slipped under her pyjama shirt, palm spread against her back. She was warm and happy, perfectly tucked into Bellamy’s embrace. 

“Hey,” Clarke whispered, nudging her nose against his. Feeling his skin against her own, she was reminded that this was  _ real _ . This wasn’t a dream, where she would wake up and have the weight of reality crush her to pieces. No, this was real. Bellamy loved her, and wanted to build a future and a family with her and Julia. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at how truly happy she was. 

She heard Bellamy mumble, his lips vibrating against her neck, but she couldn’t make out the words. 

“What was that?” She slid her hand along his bare chest, her fingertips tracing circles on his soft skin. 

Bellamy hummed happily, “I love you, so much.” His hand found hers, easily interlocking their fingers so their clasped hands rested on his stomach. “I woke up and thought I was dreaming. I had to make sure this was real.”

Clarke let her head rest against his shoulder, seeking his warmth. “I used to dream about this too, about waking up to find you were still alive and here with me. But back then, it was a hopeless dream, and I’d wake up to an empty bed and remember that you were really gone...” 

“Hey, none of that, I’m here now,” he whispered with a kiss to her forehead. “And I’m here to stay.” 

“Good, because now that I have you back, I’m never letting you go.” Clarke echoed the words they had shared the night before and tightened her grip on his hand, nuzzling further into his shoulder. 

“Sounds like a perfect plan,” Bellamy agreed. He rolled over to face her, unlinking their hands so he could hold her closer, leaving no space between them. 

This moment was surreal, better than all of the dreams that had teased Clarke over the years. In those fantasies, she never truly felt held like she did now, she couldn’t feel the warmth exuding from Bellamy. Now, she felt the soft puff of his breath against her hair, and the shiver down her spine as his hand slipped under her shirt and his fingers traced the length of her spine. She felt his chest move as he breathed, in and out, the rhythm slowing slightly as he drifted off back to sleep. 

Before, Clarke’s dreams of waking up to Bellamy had been a lifeline, a moment of relief from his overwhelming absence. But this moment of reality exceeded every dream a million times over. 

The creak of her bedroom door opening brought Clarke out of her morning thoughts. Lazily she opened her eyes and turned her head to see Julia creep into her room. She was holding her stuffed giraffe in her free hand, the other wrapped in the dark purple cast, a stark reminder of yesterday’s frightening events. Julia’s dark curls were adorably mussed with bedhead, her eyelids fluttering, still half asleep.

“Hi baby girl, come here. How are you feeling?” Clarke asked. She spun around in Bellamy’s embrace, so her back was pressed against his bare chest. His arms never left her waist, and he immediately nuzzled the back of her neck, still asleep. 

Like every other morning, Julia climbed up into her mom’s bed, tucking herself into Clarke’s arms. Only this time, they had to navigate around the clunky cast and Bellamy. 

“Mommy, why is Daddy here?” 

Smiling, Clarke answered simply, “Daddy had a sleepover with me. Is that okay?”

Julia looked up, and Clarke was struck once again by how much their little girl was a perfect combination of them, with Bellamy’s dark hair and freckles, and her own blue eyes and stubborn pout. “Yeah. But Mommy? Can Daddy sleep over in my room tonight?”

Clarke couldn’t help but giggle, “We’ll see, Jules.” Kissing their precious daughter on the cheek, Clarke snuggled closer to her family. She held Julia close while Bellamy’s arms enveloped them both. 

This moment was absolutely perfect. Now that they were finally together, finally a forever family, Clarke’s wildest dreams had miraculously come true.

**…**

Later that afternoon, Clarke, Bellamy and Julia arrived at Octavia and Lincoln’s house. Their friends had planned a barbecue, now that the spring weather was beginning to warm up. Julia raced ahead of her parents, sharpies in hard, eager to have every single one of her aunts and uncles sign her new cast. 

As everyone gathered outside on the back deck in the spring sunshine, Clarke found herself squished on the bench seat beside Bellamy. Not that she was complaining one bit, especially when his arm lifted up along the back of the seat and she tucked herself closer to his side. But it quickly struck Clarke that in their newfound happiness, she and Bellamy hadn’t decided how they were going to tell their friends, or even talked about it at all. 

Glancing around the circle, Clarke saw the cheerful expressions on her friends’ faces, as they chatted, laughed, and catered to Julia’s signature demands. No one seemed to notice that she was pressed closer to Bellamy’s side than she should be if they were only friends. 

“Mommy! Daddy! Guess what?” Julia called running over to them. She wedged herself in between Bellamy’s knees and held her cast up for them to see. 

“Uncle Linc drew Moana!” she exclaimed, pointing out where Lincoln had skillfully drawn the cartoon character with a speech bubble that said “Get better soon!”

“Wow, Jules, that’s so cool,” Clarke said enthusiastically, leaning down to kiss her daughter’s hair. “Did you say thank you to Uncle Linc?”

Julia’s eyes grew wide with realization at her mistake. “Uh-oh!” Quickly she spun out of Bellamy’s reach and raced back to her uncle, eager to say thank you. 

Laughing at their daughter’s antics, Clarke leaned against Bellamy’s side, naturally resting her cheek against his shoulder. 

Bellamy’s arm dropped from the back of the bench and wrapped around her shoulders, cuddling her close as they watched Julia. And then Bellamy leaned down and kissed Clarke’s forehead. 

“Hold up!” Jasper shouted, jumping to his feet and commanding the centre of attention. He looked wildly around the group of friends and held an accusatory finger in Clarke and Bellamy’s direction. “Did anyone else just see that? Am I going crazy, or are Mom and Dad finally together?!”

Scattered laughter rose up as everyone took in Jasper’s comment and turned to stare at Clarke and Bellamy. 

“Seriously! Bellamy just kissed Clarke!” Jasper shouted, his hands flying wildly in exasperation. 

“What? No way!” Raven called, jaw dropped in disbelief. 

Clarke glanced up at Bellamy and saw his giddy smile. Instantly she knew Bellamy wasn’t worried about their friends knowing, or wanting to keep this secret special between the two of them for a little while. No, Bellamy was ready to share the good news, and frankly so was Clarke. 

Easily, Clarke laced her fingers together with Bellamy’s, and shrugged. “What? Of course my boyfriend’s allowed to kiss me.” 

At her confirmation, her friends cheered wildly. Someone said “Finally!” and someone else said “About damn time.”

But Clarke’s focus was entirely upon Bellamy. His grin was uncontainable. Together they laughed at their rowdy friends. Bellamy pulled his hand away from hers to cup her face delicately, and lean in for a real kiss. And together, they ignored the invigorated whoops and laughter from their friends. 

An hour later, Lincoln and Murphy were flipping burgers on the grill, and Bellamy was tossing a football with Jasper and Shaw. Octavia pulled Clarke aside, and they sat next to each other on the deck steps watching the guys pass the ball back and forth. 

“So you and my brother, hey?” Octavia asked, raising her eyebrows. 

Feeling her face flush, Clarke nodded, leaning her head against her friend’s shoulder. 

“I don’t want to say ‘I told you so’ or ‘about time’, so I won’t,” Octavia teased, and Clarke raised an eyebrow in her friend’s direction. 

Grinning, Octavia continued as she reached out to hold Clarke’s hand. “I’m happy for you two. You’re good together, and you both deserve to be happy. So I’m glad you finally figured things out.”

“Thanks O,” Clarke replied, squeezing her friend’s hand back. 

“Let’s be real though, a sister’s intuition - I knew you two had worked things out, or at least I’d hoped, when Bell didn’t come home last night. Especially when he showed up here with the biggest smile I’ve seen in a long time, probably the happiest he’s been in the last three months.” 

Clarke grinned, “Yeah, he makes me happy too.” And with a smirk, added, “And I think I’m going to need him to stay over every night now…”

“Ew! That’s my brother,” Octavia nudged her shoulder against Clarke’s. “I do not need to know about his sex life.”

Clarke raised her eyebrow, “Well consider it payback for all the times you and Lincoln sexiled him from the house.”

Octavia rolled her eyes, unashamed at the accusation, and Clarke threw her head back in laughter. She felt free and unburdened, and for the first time in a very long time, no worries weighing down her heart. Smiling, Clarke realized, this is what happiness must feel like. 

**...**

On Clarke’s next day off work, she and Bellamy loaded Julia and Arlo into the truck, and drove up to Mount Weather for a walk. Spring had settled in for good, as the days grew warmer, and bright green leaves and colourful flowers bloomed everywhere. 

The gravel crunched under foot as they walked along the trail, shaded from the sun by the canopy of trees. Julia ran a few steps ahead of them, collecting a pile of leaves and sticks, completely unhindered by her cast. Arlo trailed at Julia’s heels, off his leash as the well-trained dog would respond to Bellamy’s verbal commands. 

Clarke and Bellamy walked along, hand in hand, happily watching Julia explore the familiar trail.

After she and Bellamy finally admitted their feelings to one another, it seemed as if everything was falling into place between them. Bellamy had spent so much time at her house already, it barely felt like things had changed at all, aside from the obvious changes in their physical relationship. Now, he would squeeze her hip and kiss her cheek as he passed her in the kitchen, welcome her home with a hug and a kiss, and hold her hand whenever they walked Arlo or drove in the car. 

And Bellamy continued to support Clarke, doing the smallest little things that felt monumental to her. He was always willing to watch Julia while Clarke was at work, but sometimes she still brought Julia into daycare, to see her friends. On those days, Clarke would come home to find that Bellamy had undertaken another house project, finding the garage door repainted, the broken dining room chair fixed, and the squeaky floorboards quiet. He happily prepared dinner, washed and folded laundry, and went grocery shopping. 

Bellamy’s constant help around the house, which he insisted he didn’t mind one bit, meant that Clarke had more free time than ever before. Which was free time that she happily spent with Bellamy, cuddled on the couch watching tv, enjoying morning coffee on the front porch, or time alone together with her bedroom door locked shut. 

Ever since that first night together, Bellamy had slept over with Clarke each night, and had practically moved into her house. He only returned to Octavia’s to grab clean clothes and check in with his sister. It would probably make sense for him to just move in for good. 

Bellamy’s palm squeezed hers, and Clarke looked up to find him already staring at her, a relaxed smile on his face. 

“What are you thinking about?” he asked. 

“Just how happy I am, and how much I love you,” she answered back, a teasing lilt in her voice as she swung their joined hands between them. 

“Oh, really?” he teased back, as they rounded a corner on the path. 

“Mhmm, and I was thinking, if you’re up for it, maybe you’d want to officially move in with us?” Clarke asked, glancing up at him through her lashes. Despite being confident that he would agree, nerves appeared as she asked. “I mean, you already spend all of your time there with us anyway, and half of your clothes are already there. And I know Octavia was hoping to use your room for the nursery, and-”

Bellamy cut her off with a kiss, a new habit of his that Clarke didn’t mind one bit, and used his free hand to cup her cheek. “Yes.” There was a gentle smile on his face, a sign of genuine happiness. It was a smile he deserved to wear for the rest of his life. 

Her lips curled up in a smile, “Really?”

“Of course, Clarke. Moving in with the love of my life, and our beautiful daughter is a no-brainer.” He brushed his nose against hers, and quickly stole another chaste kiss before stepping back. “Besides, like you said, I pretty much live there anyway.”

Keeping their hands interlocked, Clarke took a step toward him and bumped her hip against his as they walked ahead a few more steps to keep an eye on Julia and Arlo. “Good. ‘Cause I like having you around all the time. Plus you’ve already fixed up half the house, so it feels like it’s already partly yours. I want it to be our home, together.”

Bellamy paused, pulling her toward him with their linked hands so she was standing right in front of him. “It can be our house, but you’re my home,” he declared, his voice soft, yet insistent. 

Clarke pressed a kiss to his lips, before wrapping her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. His words rang true, only the opposite for her. Bellamy was her home. It didn’t matter where they were, as long as they were together, Clarke knew she would be safe and loved. 

**...**

Later that night, behind their locked bedroom door, Clarke sighed happily. With one arm propped behind her head, her other hand carded her fingers through Bellamy’s soft hair. 

His head rested against her chest, but at her touch, he nuzzled his head against her side, instinctively leaning closer to her. 

She shivered slightly as his index finger reached out, and traced over the soft skin of her abdomen, where faint white stretch marks lingered. For years Clarke had wished those marks would disappear, but as Bellamy traced the lines, she began to see them through his eyes - his appreciation and awe, marvelling at the wonder and sacrifice her body had made to carry their daughter. 

But then his smile disappeared. With a sigh Bellamy closed his eyes. She couldn’t read his mind, but Clarke was certain she knew where his thoughts had led him. 

Quickly, she clasped her hand around his, freezing his movements. “Don’t,” she whispered, as her other hand gently brushed his cheek. “Don’t feel guilty that you weren’t here when I was pregnant.”

He swallowed visibly, and Clarke hoped he could see the forgiveness in her eyes. 

“How did you know?” he admitted, his voice barely audible. 

She smiled softly, returning her hand to card through his hair. “I like to think I know you pretty well, Bell. So don’t feel guilty, please. For me.”

Bellamy turned his head and kissed the inside of her wrist, but she could still see the sadness in his eyes. It wouldn’t go away today, the guilt would linger, but maybe one day he would finally be free from the pain he continued to endure.

Instead, Clarke smiled, hoping to cheer him up with her next words. She twined her fingers with his, and squeezed his hand, “You’re here now, that’s what matters. And, I know you’ll be around for our next baby.”

Bellamy’s eyes widened in surprise, peering at her. “Our  _ next _ baby?”

Leaning her head against her pillow, Clarke nodded, biting her lip. “Yeah. I mean, we can talk about it later, and it doesn’t have to be anytime soon, but...”

A contagious grin spilled across his face, overtaking the sadness from seconds before. “You want to have another baby. With me?” he asked, once again in awe of her. 

Clarke shook her head back and forth, filled with joy at the sight of his radiant smile. “No. I want to have your  _ babies _ ,” she corrected, stressing the plural. “Multiple. Enough to fill a minivan, or start our own soccer team.” 

Bellamy ducked his head down against her stomach, and laughed. The vibrations carried through her own body and she couldn’t help but giggle along. But her giggles soon faded into softer hums of pleasure as Bellamy began to kiss her stomach, worshipping each sacred stretch mark, and continued to press kisses lower and lower. 

“Bell,” Clarke whined, shifting her hips under him. She was enamoured by his touch, yet needed more of him. 

“You want to have my babies,” Bellamy whispered reverently, as if reaffirming this truth for himself. His lips ghosted across the delicate skin of her thighs, and sent a shiver up her spine, sparking through her veins. 

“We’re not going to make a baby like this,” she answered, half frustrated yet completely eager for his touch.

She could feel his smile against her skin. “No, you would know, you’re the doctor after all. But we’ll sure have fun trying,” he whispered, a devilish smirk flashing across his face before he ducked his head and resumed his kisses. 

Clarke managed to laugh at his words briefly before losing herself to the moment, to the pure joy of his touch. Losing herself to the fact that Bellamy was hers - hers to love and to dream up a future with. 

* * *

* * *

“Are you sure that’s everything,” Octavia asked, flopping on the end of Bellamy’s bed. The bed which was neatly made because he hadn’t used it in over two weeks, choosing to sleep next Clarke instead of sleeping alone. 

Bellamy rolled his eyes at his sister from where he stood in front of the dresser, collecting the framed pictures on top - the one Clarke had given him at the hospital, one from when he’d first met Julia, and the picture Julia had drawn for him on his bad day. 

“Well, I might have more things to pack if someone hadn’t given them all away years ago,” he teased. 

In response, Octavia threw a pillow at him, which he caught easily. “Hey, I thought you’d forgiven me for that already.”

He tossed the pillow back at her. “Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I can’t tease you. Besides, you should be happy you only have to carry a few boxes down the stairs.”

“Is it too soon to play the pregnant card, and use that as an excuse to get out of the hard labour?”

Bellamy snorted as he tucked the framed photographs of his favourite memories into the suitcase at his feet. “If you think moving boxes is hard labour, well, O, actually having the baby is going to be rough.” 

“Smart-ass,” she jeered, but sat back up anyway to stack a few more books into a cardboard box. 

“I’m really happy for you, though. You deserve this, Bell,” she said. Bellamy looked over and caught the genuine look in her eyes. 

“Thanks,” he murmured. Raking a hand through his hair, Bellamy abandoned his packing for a moment to sit down next to Octavia on the bed. “It’s good you think so. I’m still working on believing it, but it’s getting easier every day now.” 

His sister appraised him for a moment, her stare intense. “You’re doubting something, aren’t you. What’s wrong?”

Bellamy sighed, and picked up a book from the pile, thumbing through the pages to keep his hands busy. It was an older copy of The Odyssey he had found at a thrift store a few weeks ago. It wasn’t the exact same copy he used to own, but it was the same print edition, with a recognizable cover, and he’d already read through the familiar words twice. 

“I guess, it all just seems too good to be true. I finally work up the courage to tell Clarke that I love her, and surprise, she loves me too, and wants me to move in, and instantly we’re one happy family. It shouldn’t be that easy.”

“But it wasn’t easy for you guys,” Octavia reasoned. “You literally lived through hell to get back to us, and Clarke had a rough few years too, losing her dad and then losing you, dealing with my breakdown, and having Julia on her own. It seems too good to be true now because you’re not used to having this happiness. This is your new normal. You’re allowed to enjoy it.” 

“Okay, but what if- what if one day Clarke changes her mind, and realizes she doesn’t want me around anymore?”

Octavia bumped her shoulder against his. “Bell, that’s ridiculous. You’re stuck in your head, you’re overthinking. What does your heart say?”

He shrugged, his fingers fiddling with the book pages. 

“Bell, it’s normal to be scared, it’s human. But remember what mom used to tell us? That fear was a demon, and we should slay our demons?”

Bellamy nodded, recalling the familiar turn of phrase, one that had been repeated in their household throughout his younger years. It was a philosophy that had led to many fistfights behind the school. 

“I know we used to take it literally, to actually fight what was worrying us. But your demon is fear of the unknown. That’s what’s worrying you. And you can slay it without throwing a single punch. All you have to do is talk to Clarke and let her in. Tell her what’s going on in your pea-sized brain and you won’t have to worry about what she’ll say, because she’ll give you a real answer.” 

Glancing up, Bellamy raised an eyebrow at Octavia. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with my sister?” he asked incredulously. 

Octavia grinned up at him, “You’re not the only Blake who’s spent time in therapy.” She stood up, and wiped her hands on her jeans as she looked around the room. Almost everything was packed. 

“Come on, we’re almost done here. Let’s finish up, and get you moved in with that family of yours. I hear Julia is making you a welcome sign.”

Bellamy laughed, as the memory of Julia pulling out all of her art supplies on the kitchen table this morning jogged in his mind. Instead of returning to the dresser to pack up the last of his clothes, Bellamy stepped closer to his sister, wrapping her in a hug. 

“Thanks, O,” he said softly. “I love you.”

“I love you too, big brother,” she replied, squeezing him so tight he could barely breathe. 

* * *

* * *

“Guess what Uncle Linc?!” Julia shouted, running over to her uncle as he let himself in the backyard. 

Lincoln picked his niece up effortlessly, despite the two folding chairs he had slung over his shoulder. “What’s up, buttercup?”

Julia clapped her hands together in excitement, “Daddy’s moving into our house! And he’s going to live with us  _ forever _ !”

Clarke covered her mouth to stifle her laugh from where she sat in the backyard. Bellamy was crouched on the ground in front of her, setting up the kindling to start the small fire, but he looked up over his shoulder with his trademark smirk shining at their daughter’s antics. 

Octavia walked through the gate behind Lincoln, and Julia wiggled out of Lincoln’s grip to tell her aunt the exciting news as well. 

Now that Bellamy was officially moved in and unpacked, they were celebrating with the first backyard fire of the season. And Julia was even more excited about trying her first s’more than she was about Bellamy moving in, so the little girl was a complete ball of energy. 

Once the fire started crackling away, Bellamy sat down in the lawn chair next to Clarke. Lincoln had put down the chairs he had been carrying and was now chasing Julia in circles around the backyard, in full tickle monster mode. Julia’s high pitched giggling carried through the breeze, and Clarke knew her daughter would be fast asleep tonight. 

Seeing Octavia smile as she watched Lincoln and Julia play, Clarke reached over to clasp her friend’s hand. “Imagine when Julia’s cousin will be around to play with her, won’t that be fun to watch?”

Octavia rested her palm against her stomach, even though her baby bump wasn’t quite noticeable yet, before raising her eyebrow. “For sure. But you’d know what would be even more fun? If Julia had a little brother or sister to play with.”

“Oh, shush,” Clarke laughed, swatting Octavia’s arm gently, purposefully not looking over at Bellamy, who was adding more wood to the fire. 

Clarke smiled as she thought of the conversations she’d already had with Bellamy, about the future children they wanted to add to their family. It really wasn’t a matter of if, as Octavia assumed, but when. Though, Octavia didn’t need to know that quite yet. 

“Did somebody say s’mores?” a shout came from the gate, as Madi appeared in the backyard. Clarke had texted her earlier, inviting Madi to join the family fun. 

“Hey Mads,” Clarke called, waving the teen over. 

Julia quickly abandoned her game of tickle monster chase to run full speed toward her favourite babysitter. Luckily, Madi saw the toddler running, and easily intercepted Julia in a hug, carefully avoiding getting smacked across the face with the hard purple cast. 

Carrying Julia on her hip, Madi joined everyone around the campfire, taking a seat next to Lincoln. 

There was a chorus of hello’s, and Octavia asked Madi about her latest volleyball game. Bellamy checked in with her about her latest essay that he had helped edit, and about what Madi wanted for her special birthday dinner next week. And Julia made sure Madi knew that Bellamy was going to live with them forever, which had everyone laughing again. 

Looking around the circle at her family, Clarke was bursting with happiness. She honestly couldn’t believe how much everything had changed for the better in the last few months. 

Bellamy leaned over to kiss her cheek. He seemed in his natural element, surrounded by family as he carefully taught Julia how to skewer a marshmallow on a roasting stick and hold it steady above the hot coals from a safe distance. 

As the sun set and the sky turned orange, they shared stories and laughed until they cried. And they licked sticky s’mores off of their fingers. 

At one point Lincoln pulled out his camera and snapped a few pictures. He took one of Clarke, Bellamy, and Julia posed with their s’mores - and Clarke knew she would have that picture printed and framed. It was the first official picture of the three of them as a forever family, and it was a memory she would cherish. 

When the sunset had fully disappeared, and the stars appeared in the sky, Julia climbed onto Bellamy’s lap. He cuddled her close in his arms, and wiped a sticky smear of chocolate off of her cheek. 

It was effortless, the way Bellamy leaned back and pointed out the brightest star in the sky to Julia, telling her about the star and the constellation it belonged to. His voice was melodic as he spoke, enamouring them all in a trance as they listened. 

Bellamy had once told Clarke that he had looked up to the stars in the night sky in those years he was missing, that he had found solace and courage in the tiny pinpricks of light. And he had wished upon those stars each and every night. Now, those very same stars shone down on him and his entire family, having answered his greatest wishes - for freedom, for family, for love. 

Squeezing his hand in her own, Clarke smiled over at Bellamy, as he spoke words of love and bravery over their daughter. Through the chaos and the pain, the heartbreak and miscommunication, Clarke and Bellamy had the courage to find their way back to one another. Now they could finally be a real family, forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HOLY CRAP, this fic is complete!! 🤩To those of you who have been reading chapter by chapter, THANK YOU so much for tagging along on this crazy ride. Your kudos and comments mean the world to me. I love you all! 💜
> 
> And to everyone who has fallen in love with this little family, have no fear - I am excited to announce that *yes*, there is officially a sequel in the works!! No promises on when it'll be posted though 🙈
> 
> As always, come say hi on [tumblr!](https://bookwormforalways.tumblr.com/post/629639748583112704/the-courage-of-the-stars-modern-au-slow-burn)


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